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Original poster

Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

380 replies

paltandsepper · 03/07/2026 19:46

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 09:34

Dandelionsandseapinks · 05/07/2026 16:39

Too close with your ex imo. I wouldnt be happy either. You do you but i do wonder if maybe your not over your ex

I am most definitely 'over' my ex, I was over her before we even split up. It was over a decade ago and toward the end (perhaps even the last year or more) I stuck with her due to the children (one in particular who was a troubled teen, it would have broken him me leaving) and the practical difficulties of moving out. I would not get back with her if she was the last person on earth.

OP posts:
Original poster
paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 09:36

whittingtonmum · 05/07/2026 16:47

I don't understand why you're inviting ex to your birthday. Sure you're her landlord and she's your dog sitter but why does she get invited to your birthday party? Time to set up boundaries: landlord, dog-sitter and being civil when you meet her at other people's social events. The end.

I would not miss funerals because of ex and DP though. I think there's also a DP problem because it's unreasonable to object to someone attending a funeral in my view.

I just didn't see an issue with it. It wasn't a big thing for me at all. If any acquaintance had asked if they could come I'd have said yes. I have no strong feelings about her either way, at the time there was no great reason (in my eyes at least!) why she couldn't come to it. I realise others disagree. Bear in mind I was also single at the time, but I just don't harbour any ill toward her.

OP posts:
orangegato · 06/07/2026 09:37

Team DP, I’m imagining my own partners reaction if I let my abusive ex come to my birthday and stay at my house.

What are you smoking?!

orangegato · 06/07/2026 09:38

Also your jumping straight to ‘cancel’ before ‘uninvite ex’ shows that you’d rather no one get to enjoy it if precious ex can’t come.

Do you think your partner is thick?

Original poster
paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 09:40

GreyCarpet · 05/07/2026 18:17

Tbh, I suspected you were a woman (I missed it on the thread) and my comments still stand.

I'm also aware it's far more common in lesbian circles for exes to remain friends and to work better as friends and I've seen the becoming like a distant family dynamic in my friend's situations.

I think part of the issue is that you repeatedly say you're not close to your ex, she isn't a friend, you're not even particularly bothered about seeing her.

So this still isn't a standard friends with an ex situation.

But, even though you don't see your ex as a friend, wouldn't confide in her, would never meet up with her for a coffee, don't call her for a chat, didn't invite her to your birthday (she allegedly just announced that she'd be coming), she's still staying over in your house and she's still coming.

I'd also find that hard to understand if I were your partner.

As I saod before, I find passivity and people pleasing such undesirable qualities, I couldn't tolerate this. And I disagree that people pleasers attract dramatic people. IME, people pleasers cause the drama by their lack of backbone and non existent boundaries. People pelasers also seem to have no problem upsetting the people they are closest to.

You've alluded to your partner also being abusive because she doesn't like other people in your life. If this is the case, then you need to end it. But I wonder how much of it is down to a sense of a lack of emotional safety and feeling that she isn't worth enough to you for you to even say no to your ex you don't even particularly seem to like very much and are allegedlly not at all close to who invited herself to your birthday.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, I understand this. Thank you.

I am thinking of how to manage things going forward. Ex lives in a town over an hour away so it isn't as if I'd go somewhere and she'd randomly turn up, but for things I organise I would invite people from that town and she'd sometimes come. I don't ever mind if she does or doesn't. It's been the case for so long, and it seems that for anything in the future, if I want to stay with DP that will have to change. I think ex would be understanding about it, but she'd also worry about me. One part of her recognising her abuse toward me was her telling me to be careful in future relationships, as I am prone to putting up with too much.

I usually have a summer garden gathering, local band or singer, few drinks and some food. I am likely to have messages from ex and business partner and others in that friend group asking about it soon. Being me, I am more likely to just not have one than I am to 'uninvite' people. It feels more fair, rightly or wrongly.

OP posts:
callmeLoretta1 · 06/07/2026 09:41

orangegato · 06/07/2026 09:37

Team DP, I’m imagining my own partners reaction if I let my abusive ex come to my birthday and stay at my house.

What are you smoking?!

OP has said ex had substance issues, has apologised and has changed a lot. Lesbians often keep in contact with exes more than hetero couples do.

And her current partner is quite abusive, controlling and isolating. Hence many of us telling her to ditch her current 'D'P.

Original poster
paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 09:43

WallaceinAnderland · 05/07/2026 18:18

Wait, you planned your birthday party before you got together with your current partner?

Show quote history

Yes, long before.

OP posts:
Original poster
paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 09:46

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 05/07/2026 18:25

I went back and reread all your posts. I think you would have gotten different responses if you'd made the timeline and the fact that this is a lesbian relationship clear from the beginning.* You've very patiently answered a lot of questions since your OP but reading everything bit by bit sounded like we were being drip-fed. So this raised suspicions that you've just come here for validation when actually you are a big part of the problem.

Which I no longer think is the case.

The relevant timeline is that you've known DP for less than a year and previously-abusive ex and annoying business partner invited themselves to your next birthday bash BEFORE you met DP. Also relevant is that DP is yelling at you, picking fights, and giving you the silent treatment, which is abusive.

I know you called her DP to distinguish between general and romantic girlfriends but she isn't a partner yet, she is someone you're getting to know. You've known her 10 months? She's dropped her mask and who you see now is who she is. Relationships should NOT be this hard. If I were you, I'd let her go and have your party.

*For all those bores whining on and on that MN is misandrist (not just this post but others too), women live VERY different lives from men. First, men are a serious and ubiquitous danger to women's lives. Men don't walk around being preyed on and raped and/or killed, women do, and that terrifying shit starts in prepubescence. Second, we live in patriarchy, which prioritises men's wants and feelings over the security and dignity of women and children. Men don't face systematic biases that disenfranchise and disempower them at every single level of life, women do. So our advice to women IS going to be different to the advice we give to men. If you don't understand that, go and join the manosphere under its shitty dark rock, you'll find plenty of like-minded people to commiserate with you. We don't need you here.

Edited

I do agree about the male socialisation, I should have specified. I just didn't realise when I posted. I have known DP longer, but we lost touch for a long time before getting together.

OP posts:
orangegato · 06/07/2026 09:48

callmeLoretta1 · 06/07/2026 09:41

OP has said ex had substance issues, has apologised and has changed a lot. Lesbians often keep in contact with exes more than hetero couples do.

And her current partner is quite abusive, controlling and isolating. Hence many of us telling her to ditch her current 'D'P.

Edited
Show quote history

I don’t think it’s controlling to not want an ex staying at your current partners house, unless there are other ways DP is controlling?

And substance abuse isn’t really an excuse. I made your life hell and battered you but it’s okay I’d had a joint or a line beforehand? Same as an alcoholic bloke abusing a woman. It’s fine if they’ve had a few pints?

I do think the relationship is stone dead though as the ties to ex, sharing house and a dog, I don’t think DP will cope well going forward with all the ongoing contact this will lead to. DP needs someone without baggage.

snowmichael · 06/07/2026 09:53

paltandsepper · 03/07/2026 19:46

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

> Ex was abusive
Policing who you can and can't see, talk to, be friends with is also abusive

callmeLoretta1 · 06/07/2026 09:53

orangegato · 06/07/2026 09:48

I don’t think it’s controlling to not want an ex staying at your current partners house, unless there are other ways DP is controlling?

And substance abuse isn’t really an excuse. I made your life hell and battered you but it’s okay I’d had a joint or a line beforehand? Same as an alcoholic bloke abusing a woman. It’s fine if they’ve had a few pints?

I do think the relationship is stone dead though as the ties to ex, sharing house and a dog, I don’t think DP will cope well going forward with all the ongoing contact this will lead to. DP needs someone without baggage.

Show quote history

If you read all of OP's posts, her P has a problem with her business partner, and seems to have problems with a lot of people she associates with. Her partner seems to want to isolate her and control who she sees.

And since they are both women, in a same sex lesbian relationship, I doubt 'battering' was part of the abuse.

indigox · 06/07/2026 09:54

If you were dating a man everyone would be telling you to leave him, because it's a woman its been twisted so that you're the problem? MN is bizarre at times.

Original poster
paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 09:55

Doone22 · 05/07/2026 20:13

Bloody hell you have some weirdos commenting here. Your probably attract aggressive types because you sound quite laid back (passive?).
You've been with DP less than a year so why are you letting her decide who you can be friends with.
You and ex are clearly fine and have both moved on. I don't understand why people think this is strange or enmeshed. It just indicates you're both grown up?
Dump current woman and start seeing a therapist about your need to be bossed around

Well, that's how I saw it (about the 'grown up' thing). Of course there are soem doubts now. It hasn't ever posed an issue for anybody before.

OP posts:
Original poster
paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 09:59

Nogreenskittles · 05/07/2026 21:30

I’m not sure we are getting the full story here OP.

ex was ‘abusive’ yet you happily let them dog sit and
stay in your house? I don’t buy it. I have an abusive ex and would never speak to them again if it wasn’t for the fact we share care of children.

do you mean she got angry at you for pulling similar stunts to this one?

two angry women here. One common denominator.

you also admit you knew this was a problem as it has happened before? You knew this would cause friction. Why invite someone you aren’t close to when your partner doesn’t like them?

It was just such a long time ago. I see her as a different person now, I am also a different person to the one I was over a decade ago.I'd not live with her, go on holiday with her or invite her out for dinner with me, but we're okay at the same events together, the dog lives with me but is a dog we got when we were together, so it just made sense to me. Dog is also reactive to other dogs and would definitely not cope in kennels so is not the easiest to find alternative arrangements for.

It happened before when DP was incensed that ex wanted to come to a funeral. That was my first experience of the situation of her being totally against my ex being anywhere I was. I didn't know about it before then and the singer had long since been booked when me and DP got together.

OP posts:
Original poster
paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 10:01

MyMiniMetro · 06/07/2026 00:49

You love your partner. You don’t love your ex. Why are you risking your current relationship for an ex?? Because you need a dog sitter???? That’s an even more bizarre reason to risk losing the person you love.

It sounds like you are trying to make your partner sound like the bad guy to anyone who defends their position, why? They are not the bad guy. Everyone is allowed to be insecure about something (just not everything) and if you love someone THAT is the thing you have to compromise on. Not inviting your ex to routine celebrations, is a perfectly reasonable thing for your partner to request. My partner is friendly with their exs when we bump into them, but I’d be seriously confused if any of them were invited to our celebrations. You know your ex’s presence annoys your current partner, so why oh why do you invite them? Especially as you are simply friendly not friends.

Do you even love your partner? At this point just tell your ex they they are not welcome because you’ve been pretty bad at ‘reading the room’ and their presence is going to upset your partner. Also tell them that you will be making alternative dog sitting arrangements for the same reason.

It is something I am thinking about. Unfortunately I know my ex will see it as DP being controlling. I didn't want anybody thinking that but it may have to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 10:04

Nogreenskittles · 05/07/2026 21:30

I’m not sure we are getting the full story here OP.

ex was ‘abusive’ yet you happily let them dog sit and
stay in your house? I don’t buy it. I have an abusive ex and would never speak to them again if it wasn’t for the fact we share care of children.

do you mean she got angry at you for pulling similar stunts to this one?

two angry women here. One common denominator.

you also admit you knew this was a problem as it has happened before? You knew this would cause friction. Why invite someone you aren’t close to when your partner doesn’t like them?

Sorry, just re-read. Abuse was mainly emotional but did turn physical. Ex is a lot larger than me and was able to pick me up and throw me. I am not sure what you meant with 'similar stunts to this one', but if I interpret it correctly ex hadn't ever become angry at me for anything to do with people invited to social events (not that I remember anyway).

OP posts:
callmeLoretta1 · 06/07/2026 10:06

indigox · 06/07/2026 09:54

If you were dating a man everyone would be telling you to leave him, because it's a woman its been twisted so that you're the problem? MN is bizarre at times.

Yep, exactly. The ex might not be great, but the current partner has red flags too.

Original poster
paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 10:09

fuchsteufelswild · 06/07/2026 01:34

Why doesn't your DP like your business partner?

Does any of your friends know your abusive ex and/or has commented on your staying enmeshed with them? Do they share your view that ex has changed?

Kindly, I share @MyMiniMetro 's impression that you're painting your DP as the bad guy while trying very hard not to make it too obvious, and that's probably where some of the harsher feedback is coming from. That doesn't make your DP less unreasonable of course, I too think you had best separate because you're simply not compatible.

I don't feel 'enmeshed' at all.
She just doesn't like his personality, as I explained before, he is autistic and can come across as selfish and abrupt. I am used to him after being in one another's lives for many years but I do understand (as does he!) why he isn't everyone's cup of tea.

Not everyone knows my ex, I have friends near where I live now who wouldn't haev ever met her and who weren't around when I was with her. Of the mutual ones many of whom knew us both when we were together, yes they do share my view, none of them have ever had an issue.
I had no particular desired agenda while starting the thread.

OP posts:
callmeLoretta1 · 06/07/2026 10:11

paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 10:04

Sorry, just re-read. Abuse was mainly emotional but did turn physical. Ex is a lot larger than me and was able to pick me up and throw me. I am not sure what you meant with 'similar stunts to this one', but if I interpret it correctly ex hadn't ever become angry at me for anything to do with people invited to social events (not that I remember anyway).

Show quote history

Ah, ok, that changes things. It doesn't excuse your current partner's control of you though.

Original poster
paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 10:12

StarCourt · 06/07/2026 02:49

Do you always create so much drama Op?

I am not sure I understand this question either. My life is usually quiet and uneventful, if that answers it? It was turbulent for a time when I was with my ex but as I've said, that feels like such a long time ago and it certainly wasn't purposeful. I was unaware of her issues at the time of us getting/being together until later on in the relationship.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 06/07/2026 10:14

You mentioned that friends are concerned that DP is controlling, without this current situation being included? I wonder what they have seen?

DP sounds very controlling. Even if you gave her some leniency for being protective due to ex’s abuse, her also extending this to your business partner suggests she will pick off your friends one by one until there are none left.

She doesn’t live with you, so she doesn’t get to control who stays at your house. She has also being abusive to you. I think ditching her and returning to your calm, happy life would be best.

nooneliterallyspatouttheirtea · 06/07/2026 10:15

paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 09:32

One reason I posted here is I don't really feel I can talk to anybody in life. I have some great friends, good connections, I am very lucky but of course they will be likely to take my side to an extent, subconsciously even. They'll want to protect me and they do not know DP well yet. And I don't want to talk to someone who is likely to then meet DP (perhaps even for the first time!) and have an already formed opinion of her. I did not intend to withhold any information, I have seen this happen on threads before, you can't predict what people think of as important every time, what questions they will ask. And I was rushing, and in a fog of being upset and confused about this situation of course.

You are right in that I have never been a jealous person, I feel very lucky to be who and where I am, I am not hugely rich or anything else supposedly desirable but I am happy and in good health and have a lot of good people around me, I have no reason to be jealous of anybody.

Show quote history

I understand. I wasn't accusing you of anything and what you've said makes absolute sense. It's simply that the comments will be much different when the further information is taken into account. It's hard to judge what others will see as significant. I think you're trying to protect your current partner and in doing so, you're probably doing yourself a disservice.

Original poster
paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 10:25

Luvnhugs · 06/07/2026 03:53

Still up with DH watching the football & had a quick read of your posts OP.

I can tell you are feeling this whole situation deeply & you are understandably upset.
My question is are you sure you are happy in this relationship? You mention your DP often has her ex staying with her for the weekend & you have no issue with it. This is very unusual regarding boundaries within a relationship even when trust is involved. I feel it's disrespectful & lacking in consideration to be so emotionally involved with an ex. My next question is are you happy with jeopardising your relationship with the friends you have invited to your party? They may have cancelled other social events amongst other reasons in order to attend.

I don't have answers other than to say if I was in your position I would consider what makes me happy in my relationship & what aspects make me anxious & unhappy. I would then decide whether it is working or whether it would be better to call it a day & move on. Whatever you decide I feel you will continue to be upset for quite a while & I wish you all the best.

I was happy before all of the shouting and conflict began to occur.

I really, genuinely do not have an issue with her ex. She's a nice woman and they obviously have a good working relationship with one another. I'd not want to jeapordise that in any way regardless, and especially as I have no problem with it. I know they're just friends.

No, I wouldn't be happy to cause upset for anyone else I have invited. This is why I was probably a bit quieter/not as attentive toward DP the evening when we went out for dinner/drinks. I just had a lot on my mind, mulling over scenarios and what to say to people.

Thank you for your understanding. I am feeling slightly calmer today albeit very tired and still upset that things aren't simple. I realise that having been single for a time, life has ran smoothly (including the small part of it that is my relationship with my ex) and now things seem to be in a kerfuffle that I didn't expect.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 06/07/2026 10:28

I don't know, OP. I'm beginning to think there are two very separate issues here.

I don't know your DP or your ex anymore than anyone else here does sleep we can only go off what you say but this comment

But this comment

Abuse was mainly emotional but did turn physical. Ex is a lot larger than me and was able to pick me up and throw me

And this one

It was just such a long time ago. I see her as a different person now, I am also a different person to the one I was over a decade ago.I'd not live with her, go on holiday with her or invite her out for dinner with me, but we're okay at the same events together

Why on earth haven't you put some distance between yourself and this person?
I understand she is friends with your business partner but have you invited all of your business partners friends? Of course not because they're not your friends.

You wouldn't meet her for dinner, you don't describe her a friend just someone you're 'okay' to be a the same event with, she picked you up and threw you??. And, yet, you're having her at your birthday party and letting her stay in your house!

Whatever the rights and wrongs and realities of your current partner, this is just ridiculous.

Original poster
paltandsepper · 06/07/2026 10:28

Havenhelpus · 06/07/2026 05:11

This post nails it.

You seem to be conflict adverse, avoidant, lacking clear boundaries and a people pleaser that hasn’t yet realised you’re pleasing nobody.

There is no reason for why you own the house and have your ex living there other than that is what you chose. If you wanted to sell it then there are ways to make that happen - but you avoided the conflict and have inadvertently created a tie with an abusive ex that keeps them in your life.

You keep saying your ex is not a friend and not a big part of your life, but your actions show that this isn’t the case. You’ve housed them for years, you stay with them, you accommodate them when they come to your town, you have them dog sit, you invite them to your party.

Its quite possible you and your DP are not compatible (if I was DPs friend I’d be telling her to move on from you) but I think it’s your contrived cluelessness about why DP is upset that paints the picture of someone who buries their head in the sand or someone who secretly enjoys the drama they create around them.

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Show quote history

I can't sell the house unfortunately, my friend is adamant about that. I also have never fully seen the need to.

I house ex yes but I also house numerous other people, I do not see them as friends.

I haven't stayed at ex's place for a long time, well over a year. I went to a mutual friend's 'do' once and stayed there. There are not many other places to stay in that town that aren't grotty/have no parking/are stupidly expensive and it was just for one night. Neither of us had an issue with it nor did anyone else.

I don't know how I could possibly prove that the whole 'drama' of this was unexpected and very upsetting, I am not used to conflict or shouting or stormings off etc. It has been anything but enjoyable.

OP posts: