Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

Given the circumstances, I think that's fair enough, tbh.

I went back and reread all your posts. I think you would have gotten different responses if you'd made the timeline and the fact that this is a lesbian relationship clear from the beginning.* You've very patiently answered a lot of questions since your OP but reading everything bit by bit sounded like we were being drip-fed. So this raised suspicions that you've just come here for validation when actually you are a big part of the problem.

Which I no longer think is the case.

The relevant timeline is that you've known DP for less than a year and previously-abusive ex and annoying business partner invited themselves to your next birthday bash BEFORE you met DP. Also relevant is that DP is yelling at you, picking fights, and giving you the silent treatment, which is abusive.

I know you called her DP to distinguish between general and romantic girlfriends but she isn't a partner yet, she is someone you're getting to know. You've known her 10 months? She's dropped her mask and who you see now is who she is. Relationships should NOT be this hard. If I were you, I'd let her go and have your party.

*For all those bores whining on and on that MN is misandrist (not just this post but others too), women live VERY different lives from men. First, men are a serious and ubiquitous danger to women's lives. Men don't walk around being preyed on and raped and/or killed, women do, and that terrifying shit starts in prepubescence. Second, we live in patriarchy, which prioritises men's wants and feelings over the security and dignity of women and children. Men don't face systematic biases that disenfranchise and disempower them at every single level of life, women do. So our advice to women IS going to be different to the advice we give to men. If you don't understand that, go and join the manosphere under its shitty dark rock, you'll find plenty of like-minded people to commiserate with you. We don't need you here.

I find it interesting that you have an ex who you've remained friends with but was abusive, and a new partner who is clearly quite volatile and is now controlling your party guests despite knowing you've always had this relationship with your ex.
Obviously, it doesn't help right now, but have you had any therapy to get over the abuse and also to ensure your self confidence and opinion or your own worth, is in a place where you don't allow this type of behaviour around you. I personally don't thing you should maintain a friendship with someone who treated you that way, and I wonder how you are comfortable effectively buying her food and putting her up for the night after that experience. I think you should investigate this a little bit more.

Your current partner can't tell you what to do. She is entitled to her feelings, you can respect them or not. However, she cannot control what you do by throwing her toys out the pram and shouting at you until you feel so bad you do what she wants. If you genuinely believe inviting your ex and having her at your house is absolutely fine, then that's your decision. Your current partner is welcome to her feelings. Whatever decision you make, make it for yourself, not for either of these toxic people.

Pretty sure OP has known her new DP for a long time, but has only relatively recently started a relationship with her. So I don’t think new DP is off-the-scale out of order, but is still behaving in a weird controlling way that OP could well do without.

Ditch the dp

DP needs to walk away. It really isn’t the relationship for her if the ex, whom she doesn’t like, is going to be around in such significant ways indefinitely. Too much drama, no end in sight with the dog/house connection. If something bugs you so much, then walk away. And OP, why you are still enmeshed with your abuser makes no sense, other than you are still under her control.
I’ve seen this nonsense play out (also in lesbian circles) and it always adds needless drama. And your faux confusion is really annoying.

"Pretty sure OP has known her new DP for a long time, but has only relatively recently started a relationship with her."

A truism in dating circles is that just because you have known someone for a long time as a friend (or colleague, or acquaintance) does not mean that you know how that person is going to behave while in a romantic relationship with you.

Your relationship often starts from ground zero even if you've been friends for a long time, because of sex and all the feelings and socialised expectations and habits around sex.

Witness the many women who started romantic relationships with male friends who then discover that the pleasant kind persona he presented as friend is NOTHING like the real him, the jealous controlling violent him, that turns up in a sexual relationship.

I had a very abusive ex. That ex is not allowed to come near me ever again. That’s how abusive exs are normally treated.

but you can be friends with whomever you please and I do understand about the dog. If my current DP and I split up we would do the same with our pets.

So live your life how you want to live it.

BUT your current DP is controlling you. So you are in an abusive relationship again I am afraid. I would finished with your latest DP and see your friends in your home as you want to.

Bloody hell you have some weirdos commenting here. Your probably attract aggressive types because you sound quite laid back (passive?).
You've been with DP less than a year so why are you letting her decide who you can be friends with.
You and ex are clearly fine and have both moved on. I don't understand why people think this is strange or enmeshed. It just indicates you're both grown up?
Dump current woman and start seeing a therapist about your need to be bossed around

Well yes, but it’s still not accurate to say OP has known her DP less than a year, and crucially the new DP also knows the ex-DP and the business partner. So the new DP has opinions - correct or not - that are based on something more than hearsay from the past few months.

Of course that doesn’t mean her behaviour is OK, and I didn’t say it was.

I’m not sure we are getting the full story here OP.

ex was ‘abusive’ yet you happily let them dog sit and
stay in your house? I don’t buy it. I have an abusive ex and would never speak to them again if it wasn’t for the fact we share care of children.

do you mean she got angry at you for pulling similar stunts to this one?

two angry women here. One common denominator.

you also admit you knew this was a problem as it has happened before? You knew this would cause friction. Why invite someone you aren’t close to when your partner doesn’t like them?

You love your partner. You don’t love your ex. Why are you risking your current relationship for an ex?? Because you need a dog sitter???? That’s an even more bizarre reason to risk losing the person you love.

It sounds like you are trying to make your partner sound like the bad guy to anyone who defends their position, why? They are not the bad guy. Everyone is allowed to be insecure about something (just not everything) and if you love someone THAT is the thing you have to compromise on. Not inviting your ex to routine celebrations, is a perfectly reasonable thing for your partner to request. My partner is friendly with their exs when we bump into them, but I’d be seriously confused if any of them were invited to our celebrations. You know your ex’s presence annoys your current partner, so why oh why do you invite them? Especially as you are simply friendly not friends.

Do you even love your partner? At this point just tell your ex they they are not welcome because you’ve been pretty bad at ‘reading the room’ and their presence is going to upset your partner. Also tell them that you will be making alternative dog sitting arrangements for the same reason.

I'm late to the party but I can see why everyone is arguing about whether YABU or your partner is - it's because you both are!

You've put your partner in a really difficult situation being so overly familiar with your ex.

She has been unreasonably vicious and controlling about it, instead of just withdrawing herself from the drama and either missing the party or breaking up with you altogether.

On a far less important note - wouldn't the two of you spend your birthday night together? Was that meant to happen at yours, with your ex also under the same roof?

Why doesn't your DP like your business partner?

Does any of your friends know your abusive ex and/or has commented on your staying enmeshed with them? Do they share your view that ex has changed?

Kindly, I share @MyMiniMetro 's impression that you're painting your DP as the bad guy while trying very hard not to make it too obvious, and that's probably where some of the harsher feedback is coming from. That doesn't make your DP less unreasonable of course, I too think you had best separate because you're simply not compatible.

I’m not sure what i think of your dps behaviour, but I’d run a mile from a partner that had an abusive ex to stay at their house. That level of poor boundaries and associated issues is not for me.

And if she won’t come if she can’t stay at yours? Tough shit. Poor diddums doesn’t like hotels. You say she recognises she behaved really badly. She doesn’t if she won’t recognise that her past behaviours mean you can’t have a new relationship without banning her from staying at your house. Dog sharing doesn’t make any difference; this would be a concrete unbreakable rule for you to be able to have a healthy new relationship. Make your birthday the start of the new healthy you and tell her she can’t stay at yours. If your business partner is pissed off, you need to think about your business if it’s all bound up with the old you who doesn’t have any boundaries. Cut out all the ‘me, I’m just so easy going and relaxed’ and get some boundaries, if you want to be easy going relaxed and in a healthy relationship.

Do you always create so much drama Op?

Your current DP sounds like the abusive one to me, unless you have given her reason to be particularly insecure in your relationship. She is being controlling and manipulative, and clearly doesn’t value your happiness. If she allowed you to cancel your birthday, she sounds like a selfish bitch tbh

Still up with DH watching the football & had a quick read of your posts OP.

I can tell you are feeling this whole situation deeply & you are understandably upset.
My question is are you sure you are happy in this relationship? You mention your DP often has her ex staying with her for the weekend & you have no issue with it. This is very unusual regarding boundaries within a relationship even when trust is involved. I feel it's disrespectful & lacking in consideration to be so emotionally involved with an ex. My next question is are you happy with jeopardising your relationship with the friends you have invited to your party? They may have cancelled other social events amongst other reasons in order to attend.

I don't have answers other than to say if I was in your position I would consider what makes me happy in my relationship & what aspects make me anxious & unhappy. I would then decide whether it is working or whether it would be better to call it a day & move on. Whatever you decide I feel you will continue to be upset for quite a while & I wish you all the best.

Sounds like you and your ex are a bit to enmeshed. You have a past, but they were abusive and you split up ten years ago. I don't understand why you can't both make alternative arrangments instead of staying in each others houses (book hotel, BB as most people would), or why your ex is invited to your party. If my partner insisted on doing the same with his ex, I would be pissed off. Live and let live is one thing, but you also need boundaries and I'm not seeing any here.

This post nails it.

You seem to be conflict adverse, avoidant, lacking clear boundaries and a people pleaser that hasn’t yet realised you’re pleasing nobody.

There is no reason for why you own the house and have your ex living there other than that is what you chose. If you wanted to sell it then there are ways to make that happen - but you avoided the conflict and have inadvertently created a tie with an abusive ex that keeps them in your life.

You keep saying your ex is not a friend and not a big part of your life, but your actions show that this isn’t the case. You’ve housed them for years, you stay with them, you accommodate them when they come to your town, you have them dog sit, you invite them to your party.

Its quite possible you and your DP are not compatible (if I was DPs friend I’d be telling her to move on from you) but I think it’s your contrived cluelessness about why DP is upset that paints the picture of someone who buries their head in the sand or someone who secretly enjoys the drama they create around them.

OP I don't think it's about jealousy etc on the part of your DP it does sound controlling. Like you have said you have got to a place with your ex regarding the house and dog that is mutually convenient, and seems like you have put the past behind you, which is your choice, and was in place before you met DP. My concern is your DP who doesn't like your ex (not uncommon) but also doesn't like your business partner. Is there anyone else in your life they don't like or approve of? They do seem to want to control things, does this happen in other areas of your life together? I would have your party, and why shouldn't you. It's your birthday and your friends. What next would you be made to feel you had to cancel it change

Current gf is controlling and sulky. Get rid.

I thought ex didn’t attend a funeral because your DP kicked off? So how could she not have any idea that DP doesn’t like her?
This whole thread is so unconvincingly wide-eyed.

I’ve got an ex (not abusive though/no out of the ordinary history) I’m friendly with. Nice guy lots of mutual friends. But I think inviting an ex to stay at your house feels too far