Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

Everyone has a past your current partner needs to accept that but he does sounds jealous and very controlling . It's your birthday your decide who is invited and who isn't nobody else

Sorry I have just noted other replies. DP has been here this weekend until lunchtime today and I have a lot of work to catch up on, I will read through others now.

I think DP sounds controlling and abusive as well!

It was seeing the volatility that upset me mostly, yes. I don't know what could happen, if ex does anything to slightly annoy DP she could storm off or argue with me or worse.

It is definitely common on lesbian circles IME. I am not sure why,perhaps just a gay women sticking together thing, unless there's a reason we absolutely have to not talk to other gay females again, we will do.
It wouldn't have been very often. DP hasn't ever seen ex while we've been together, she'd see her at this event, and I obviously couldnt' have predicted the funeral but there would have been no other reason for her to see her in the forseeable. I definitely will make sure I don't organise anything where their paths could cross again now I know what sort of reaction it might get. Some of my friends have already commented on DP being controlling .

Ex wants to stay in the house long-term. Obviously the rental market is a nightmare currently anyway, and ex would struggle to find somewhere else for other personal reasons. And she's happy there. I am hoping that eventually the friend I own it with will buy me out.

You know that your partner does not want anything to do with your ex and yet you still went ahead and made this arrangement. It would have been better to just not invite your ex.

DP isn't jealous far from it

You paint a very different picture OP.

I haven't.

I would guess it is because there wasn't any abuse in that relationship, as far as I know they just grew apart/ended up more like friends, but I haven't asked.

It doesn't concern me at all. I don't want to do the 'tit for tat' thing of 'You are friends with your ex so I can have mine in my life too'. I think that would sound very petty, her ex doesn't bother me at all, I won't lie and pretend she does. I don't know her, but I've met her a few times and she seems pleasant enough. They are real, close friends too, not like me and my ex that I have mentioned. They go out together a lot, her ex stays at her house all weekend sometimes, they share a lot of things. But I've always known that, I can't pretend I haven't or develop an issue with it, there just isn't one.

I understand some people wouldn't be happy with it, but I don't understand why anyone would enter into the relationship if there was something they were so unhappy about. I also don't understand how any 'drama' could possibly happen with my ex, while she's dog-sitting at my house, while I am not there?

I apologise, I just wanted opinions but I had an unexpectedly busy evening, and I didn't realise people would expect me to respond to every post. I don't think that is the same 'skillset'? As being openly communicative in my relationship.

Would you rather go ahead and celebrate your birthday without your ex there or would you rather cancel the whole thing?

If you cancel because of your ex then I think you are placing a much higher value on her than is normal for an ex partner. She should not have such influence over your decisions.

If people are thinking I am a man, that sort of explains some of the replies I didn't respond to (the one about male ego for example, I thought was a kind of 'side plot' people wanted to discuss. But yes, I am a woman, thank you.

She doesn't seem to care how upset I have been, or that it isn't right to shout and ball at me over it, that's true and something I have noticed. She actually packed her bags and threatened to leave once, over this, it was the middle of the night, no trains or any means of her getting home. I don't understand it.

A few different things. The night after our first argument about this, when I said I was thinking of cancelling the whole thing as it is just not 'fun' any more, it has become a real bone of contention and I have come to dread it, we went out for a meal and had a glass of wine in the bar afterwards. She commented that I hadn't been as affectionate with her, hadn't put my arm on hers to walk out etc. I said I was sorry, I had a lot on my mind (what to say to people, how I am going to pay, if the pub will still put singer on etc and what reasons to give) and she became very annoyed and said I shouldn't bring it up again.

We went out for a day at the beach and I kept trying to make conversation but she was very quiet, one word answers etc. Eventually I picked up my phone and showed her some photos, then talked about them, then a friend had messaged me inviting us somewhere, so I talked about that, I wasn't ignoring her to be on my phone, I just looked at it as she seemed disinterested in anything else I was saying and talked about things I had looked at on it, and later when we got back she said she was annoyed with me for being on my phone. I said she hadn't appeared to want to talk to me which is why I did it but that wasn't good enough either.

You’re getting mauled here because people have assumed you’re a man and are projecting their feelings onto you. It was pretty clear even before you mentioned lesbian circles that you were a woman, but hey ho.

FWIW your DP sounds unpleasant and not worth your time.

However, I may be projecting too, because you remind me of my very dear friend (who is still friends with almost all of her exes) and your DP reminds me of her ex-wife who turned out to be quite bonkers.

It is your ex home not your house, you want it to be yours to live in and use stop renting.

Sorry, I don't understand this sentence?

I don't think ex is doing that, as I've said our lives are separate from the most part, she lives a fair way from me. As it stands I haven't seen her since April and that was for 2 mins to drop off the dog and pick dog back up. She didn't 'force closer contact' she just didn't come over and her and another mutual friend just had their own little 'thing' for the friend who had died, as far as I know.

I don't really know where we will go from here. Yes my previous relationship was fine with it. It's just so seldom that ex is around me and my partner anyway that I didn't see it as a big issue at all. It was such a long time ago we were together, and as I've said I know a lot of gay women who are still on good terms with ex partners. I am thinking now and the only one I know who isn't friendly with any of her exes, is someone who is always in an out of relationships and by all accounts is a bit of a train-wreck. Everyone has cut her off. Other than her I don't believe I know of any at all.

Of course this person shouldn't be staying at your house. I also don't understand why you are talking about cancelling the whole evening over this rather than just uninviting the person.

Is it that I have to cut off other people in my life or I am prioritising them over her?

She just doesn't like his personality I think. In fairness he can be someone to take in small doses. He's autistic and comes across as quite rude/abrupt as a result sometimes (he would tell anyone this himself, he is aware!) and can also find it hard to consider other people if there's a group activity, can be quite bewildered if everyone wants to do something that he doesn't, but won't listen to reasons for it. I am very used to him now but I know others might find it tiresome.

We weren't even together when the arrangement was made.

Do I? It's always been said that it is that she doesn't like her as a person, period. She doesn't distrust me or think anything else is going on or think there's any feelings between us. With the event(s) it is just that she doesn't like her so doesn't want to be around her.

This.

You deserve a party. You've paid for the party. You have invited friends and relatives and they are looking forward to it.
Your partner sounds like a bully, pulling long faces, sulking and arguing and having a "face like thunder." That sounds abusive.

Tell ex and Biz partner to book accomodation elsewhere.
Tell your partner if they can't be pleasant and wish you well on your birthday and want to ruin it with sulks and arguments that they don't need to come.

Enjoy your birthday.

You've added a ton of further information now OP. I do think the parameters are slightly different with your ex because you are both women. I do still wonder why you would stay in each others lives when she was/is abusive. I know, the dog, but still.

The information you've added about your current partner really changes the picture. She does sound very jealous and controlling. Do you think she's emotionally abusive? She's also a massive hypocrit for kicking off about people in your life when she's very close to her own ex and indeed, spends weekends with her. I'm guessing you're simply not a jealous person in general.

Do you have a trusted person to talk to? Have you had any therapy? There's a lot to unpick here and I think you could benefit from having a safe place to work through things.

I’m not saying you have to cut people out your life but equally if your DP isn’t comfortable with the relationship (and tbf there are things that cross over many people’s boundaries eg sleepovers) then maybe you should end it with your DP, why make her miserable when you’ve no plans to change the dynamics.
As for the business partner yeh she can dislike his personality but that’s business, she doesn’t need to like him but she needs to understand he isn’t going anywhere

Too close with your ex imo. I wouldnt be happy either. You do you but i do wonder if maybe your not over your ex

I don't understand why you're inviting ex to your birthday. Sure you're her landlord and she's your dog sitter but why does she get invited to your birthday party? Time to set up boundaries: landlord, dog-sitter and being civil when you meet her at other people's social events. The end.

I would not miss funerals because of ex and DP though. I think there's also a DP problem because it's unreasonable to object to someone attending a funeral in my view.

Tbh, I suspected you were a woman (I missed it on the thread) and my comments still stand.

I'm also aware it's far more common in lesbian circles for exes to remain friends and to work better as friends and I've seen the becoming like a distant family dynamic in my friend's situations.

I think part of the issue is that you repeatedly say you're not close to your ex, she isn't a friend, you're not even particularly bothered about seeing her.

So this still isn't a standard friends with an ex situation.

But, even though you don't see your ex as a friend, wouldn't confide in her, would never meet up with her for a coffee, don't call her for a chat, didn't invite her to your birthday (she allegedly just announced that she'd be coming), she's still staying over in your house and she's still coming.

I'd also find that hard to understand if I were your partner.

As I saod before, I find passivity and people pleasing such undesirable qualities, I couldn't tolerate this. And I disagree that people pleasers attract dramatic people. IME, people pleasers cause the drama by their lack of backbone and non existent boundaries. People pelasers also seem to have no problem upsetting the people they are closest to.

You've alluded to your partner also being abusive because she doesn't like other people in your life. If this is the case, then you need to end it. But I wonder how much of it is down to a sense of a lack of emotional safety and feeling that she isn't worth enough to you for you to even say no to your ex you don't even particularly seem to like very much and are allegedlly not at all close to who invited herself to your birthday.

Wait, you planned your birthday party before you got together with your current partner?