Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

There will be a fair few people there, plus it is a weekend night in a pub (I've not hired the pub out!) so there will be other people there for the event who I don't know, and just anyone who normally goes in on a night anyway. It isn't as if I've booked something for just us four, an intimate meal together etc, it will be a busy evening.

I am definitely not setting up tests, I'd never even know how to go about that. I am just carrying on with life as was normal before, although I did speak to DP as I knew her feelings about ex, and nothing was seemingly wrong at the time. DP was aware ex was still in my life and that she rented from me and that we saw one another occasionally for events etc. It's only as the time has got closer, and DP has had issues with other things too, that I decided to start a thread on here. I've got so far bogged down with this birthday thing that I couldn't really understand where I was with it at all.

Is 'bonce shared' a typing error or something I am unfamiliar with?

I am not sure what this means?

Thank you, I do agree about being able to calmly talk things through.

Key-neither, I left it hidden under something in the garden! It'd be pointless her having a key, she lives too far away so if she's over for dog purposes I just leave her a key somewhere.

Co-owner has no money unfortunately. I would like to do that but it isn't feasible. I could afford to buy him out at a push, but he doesn't want that.

Thank you for the sarcasm, hilarious.

I was just in a rush and didn't want to break off from the thread, my phone isn't the fastest at swapping apps.

Strangely enough I did search the term later (not google) and I got 'Processing Data Quickly' which does not make sense given the context. I have worked it out now. And yes she's free to do so if our relationship makes her unhappy of course. The last week or so, the volatility in particular hasn't done me much good either.

The OP had sorted this party and invited the ex before getting together with DP. So DP is aware OP is friendly with his ex, and has been from the start of their relationship; at that point she could’ve thought no, I don’t want a person who’s still got an ex in their life, I’ll move on; but she didn’t, she knew these facts.

OP your new partner comes across very domineering, as it’s her way or no way, pls don’t move in with her until you know her more, you’ve not been together that long, I’m getting bad vibes there.

In fairness I wasn't specific as I assumed most people using this site are women, and I didn't think it necessarily would matter, but I accept I could be wrong!
Yes, I'd never just randomly invite ex for a sleepover. I haven't ever used that term unless I was referring to children doing it! But I have invited friends to come and stay over previously but never with ex, we get on but we aren't 'friends', I'd never decide to spend one on one time with her like that.

want everyone to be happy with no drama, unfortunately this usually attracts dramatic people --Is this true? I have never considered that! Why would it? I have sometimes felt DP was trying to get a reaction out of me and I am just not like that .

I think, yes, if I was so unhappy with someone's relationships with other people. ex partners or whatever I would just leave the relationship, I don't make people do things that they don't want to do (or not do things they want to do). It's been such a long time and nothing has ever been a problem. But I do see her point of view, I just wish it hadn't have been so soon before the event, that things have escalated, that has made things difficult. And I wish DP could do what I would do, if I was in the presence of someone I didn't like at someone else's event, I would just ignore them, smile and nod, talk to others etc. Or not go if I felt I was incapable of that. But that's not the case for DP.

Where have I split hairs? I have just explained what is happening. When ex last stayed at my house it was to be there for the dog, I wasn't there. That to me does not equate to' inviting someone for a sleepover'.

I do not work as a therapist. I did find it hard to understand, I accept that my previous DP may have been especially calm about it, but I also didn't expect current DP to have an issue as there seemingly hadn't been one until recently.

I tried my best to communicate. I do care about her a lot.

Ex doesn't know how DP feels, so from her perspective there's nothing to 'love' about it. I do think however that if I told her, she would just stay away, I doubt she would want to cause any issues for me now.

If anything I would say I hold the 'power'. I could withdraw her from seeing the dog ever again if I wanted to. I could also make her homeless.

She has said things about other people in my life, but not to the extent with these two people in particular.

once shared - yes a typo, stray letter

In my opinion you need to keep it separate stop sleeping at each others houses and stop inviting her to birthday events she is your past you don’t need her to celebrate or stay in your home

I have invited nowhere near 100 people!
I am not sure where you got that from.

Ex has stayed once this year (to enable me to visit my DP) and I didn't see her at all, our paths did not cross. I am now trying to think of the last time she stayed, it was long before I got with DP however. She's also had the dog at her house once so that I could take DP away for her birthday.

I definitely wouldn't class her as a friend. I know friend can be an ambiguous term but friend to me is someone one would actively arrange to meet up with/stay with/go out for drinks/dinner/socialisation with, someone you talk to about problems and acheivements. Ex is not one of thjose for me, just someone whose path I cross who crosses mine, who I have a lot of mutual friends with so inevitably we are at the same events sometimes.

Regarding liking attention, If it helps, I actually made the singer change his flyer for the event, as the original had the fact it was my birthday on it, to something that was just a general event. Other than very old friends who know my birthday, those I have invited have just been told I have hired the singer, I have not told anyone newer to me that it is my birthday at all. I don't like people feeling under pressure to attend, nor pressure to turn up with cards/presents or buy me drinks etc. I don't want folk in the pub singing happy birthday. I do not want the evening to be about me at all, I just like get-togethers and an excuse for people to have a good time. I have never been married or had a 'big' birthday celebration or any event about me at all, so I guess this is just my way of going about it.

DP has always said it isn't a jealousy thing, just a 'not liking' thing.
My ex before DP never had an issue, as I have said I wouldn't go so far as to say she liked my ex, but they muddled along okay while at the same things, we didn't hardly converse about it. She knew of the situation when we got together and understood. She was a step-parent and still saw her ex's children, I even gave them all a lift to places once or twice.

As for enjoying it, I have not much to say to that. I have lost sleep, cried, begged DP to stop raising her voice at me over this. It has been quite awful and I have no idea why anyone would think I liked any part of it.

Why? Why does every person have to treat exes this way?

It’s a relatively new relationship. Your DP knew the set up with your ex when you got together. Your ex often stays to dog-sit.
this party was booked before you met your DP. You must go ahead with your birthday and ignore your DP’s tantrum.

the obvious answer is to respect the new partner and put her first. Not the ex. She’s also an ex for a reason. I’m in a man - woman situation and there’s no way I’d still be friendly with an ex and having him sleepover in my house or allow my partner to do the same with his ex it’s disrespectful and just because it’s women doesn’t make it okay to do

What is disrespectful about it? I'd definitely feel disrespected if my partner was cheating on me or trying to. I wouldn't feel disrespected if he had a platonic relationship/friendship with an ex because it wouldn't violate the exclusivity we have. We are allowed friends and acquaintances.

I don't think not speaking to exes is a universal way to express respect to a new partner. If I asked a partner the ways in which they respect me, especially if I questioned if they do respect me, I'd be worried if one of the things they listed was their refusal to interact with exes in my honour.

Have you asked your partner why it’s ok for her to spend lots of time with her ex and yet your ex is not allowed to be in the same room as you both? She really needs to explain why it’s ok for her to spend time alone with her ex and yet you’re not allowed to just be in a social, large gathering together. If she can’t give a reasonable response or see the hypocrisy. You told her a long time ago this was going to happen and she didn’t cause a fuss then so why now? I’d be tempted to tell her you’re not happy with the double standards and if she doesn’t accept it she can bog off! I feel she’s just saying it’s her way or no way.

But to be SO close that you invite her to your birthday party? I'd find that a bit odd if I were your new partner, but I'd probably just have ended things when I realised she comes and stays at your house when you're away 😂 That just sounds like drama waiting to happen, and I cba with that in a relationship.

Your communication skills seem pretty poor (just from this thread), so I'm assuming that's not helping the situation.

Couple of things

Can people please actually read the thread, the OP has stated numerous times that she's a woman in a lesbian relationship and it's pretty offensive to see people still refering to her as a man and making bonkers accusations as a result.

I don't think that your relationship with your ex is anything approaching being "enmeshed", and the hysterics about it here are unwarranted. You're not having sleepovers and if you forgive her for her last transgressions against you, that's up to you. If your current partner cannot accept this, that is also up to them. It doesn't sound like your current partner hates the ex because of this.

I think your partner is being unpleasant and doesn't seem to give a shit that they're ruining your birthday because of their own petty dislikes. I would honestly not want to be with a person who would do that. I think that I am like you in that I am a pretty chill live and let live kind of person and I wouldn't want this energy in my life tbh. You don't deserve to be screamed at for any of the things you have shared here and I don't think you need therapy as people here have suggested.

I would put your foot down with your current partner and try and resolve her issues with your ex and business partner now. This won't go away and it sounds quite controling tbh. If you were to cut the ex off, this is probably just going to be transferred to the business partner anyways, I think she needs to accept that this is your life or leave.