Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

Why does your friend have any say in whether you sell your house or not?

eta: ah ok, I see you bought with your friend. But they can't force you into continuing to own it. Why is what they want more important than what you want?

I have felt like I don't want to organise anything again for the foreseeable but I have had a word with myself about that, It's something I love to do, to facilitate getting people together.

I have said this upthread I thikn but yes, DP has had issues with others in my life too. People who in my eyes had not/have not done anything wrong.

We did have an arrangement that worked fine, so I thought. I didn't expect this but I appreciate that me and DP are just very different people.

As I've said earlier I just skirted around the issue/made excuses. It was hard and I am still a little upset that I had to do that, not just because I didn't like lying but because (as another poster has said) I don't think anyone should be disallowed from a funeral--even prisoners can attend loved one's funerals. I didnt see why DP thought her needs trumped what would be the wishes of my sadly deceased friend nor the fact my ex wanted to be there, regardless of what kind of person she might be.

I don't stay over to dog-sit, the dog lives with me always has. I stay over there when needs arise such as my visiting someone in that town. It hasn't happened for a long time now. She dog-sits for me once or twice a year.

The woman I was seeing before DP had no issue whatsoever with my ex. I guess that's been another factor in my not knowing how to navigate this. I don't see us as close-knit, but it seems a lot of others do.

As I've said earlier I just skirted around the issue/made excuses

I think probably underpins everything.

You have no boundaries. You don't feel like you are creating drama because you're not actively doing anything. But you're passively causing all sorts of issues by not actually doing anything.

Just out of interest, if you weren't appeasing the ex, appeasing your business partner and actually expressing what you wanted, would she be as involved in your life as she is? Would she be living in your house, staying over in your home? Coming top your birthday party at all?

Forget about the anything for a quiet life approach, what do you actually want?

Because if you actively want her in your life, then crack on. But if not, why are you allowing so much of it to he dictated by what is preferable/convenient to others?

Dump the girlfriend. She sounds bordering on abusive herself, you know she's spoiling for a fight and is trying to control who you are firneds with less than a year into a relationship. SHE is who I'd uninvited. Then you need to be single and really look at who you date and red flags.

I hadn't thought of that (the trending/AIBU thing).

Thank you, I have felt like this at times over the last few days about how peaceful things were before.

I am slightly bemused, in a sense that a lot of people think I see a lot of my ex, I absolutely do not. I know this can have ambiguity to it but she barely crosses my mind but for practical reasons, I just don't mind if she comes to a social event I've planned, she's someone I moved on from any deep feelings for a long time ago but we get along fine.

Some people have hinted that DP would prefer me to not have others in my life and it just to be 'us' and I hope that's not true. Of course I love our one on one time but I have other people I care for and like to be around too.

I didn't expect things to go this way at all.

I did begin to think this, on the back of the conflict that this event has caused. She is opinionated regarding my family, but nothing huge going on there yet.

The major element here is that the Ex was abusive. It's great that you co-parent your dog but it is odd that you'd still want her in your life socially if she was abusive.

The current DP doesn't sound a dream. Is she coming from a place of jealousy or protection? I saw in your second post that she's been with you for less than a year and you don't live together, which does rather change things.

It's your birthday party and you can invite whoever you like.

Not unreasonable at all for your ex to care for your dog when you're away, in your home if that works for both of you.

Not unreasonable at all for her to come to your birthday party, or for you to be friends on any level, and have any amount of contact you like as long as it's platonic, and it is. Being friends with exes is healthy imo.

I have some sympathy with your partner not wanting her to stay in your house while you are in it - entirely irrational, but I don't think I'd like that either.

Your partner is acting in a controlling way. She's the problem, not you or your ex. I'd be reconsidering the relationship, myself. It's only been 10 months and your posts suggest many red flags to me. You say you like a quiet life - you won't get one with her. Throw her back.

It's just an easy option? I am going to that town, I have somewhere to stay. She doesn't mind nor do I.

I didn't want to sour any relations with either of them. I didn't know what to say. I was just confused and upset.
As for why she wants to come, I guess she likes the singer and it will be a fun night so why not. Same as anyone would want to be anywhere. I did tell her her girlfriend was welcome to come too, if that's of any significance.

That was a particularly distressing situation for me, I had no idea what to say at all. It was the middle of the night. It felt like she was trying to achieve something but I don't know what. I did talk her out of it but not before I was a bit 'off' with her, I said she wasn't a child and I am happy to talk through things but there was no need to storm off or to leave my house at all.

This is a point isn't it

Oh dear OP. Your first sentence in this post tells us everything.

You sound like a sociable person who cares for people to the extent of organising gatherings etc. I've come to the conclusion you are slowly but surely going to lose this aspect of your nature & become so emeshed with your recent partner you won't know what's hit you until you suddenly realise you are an outcast withing your own social circle. It feels like you can't see the wood for the trees. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I'm now thinking the fish you have caught recently is causing you far too much upset. The opinions from posters are obviously going to be formed by interpreting your posts & this sadly is mine.

I would un- invite your ex. That just feels obvious. You can say DP is uncomfortable with it. Deal with it.

It all sounds weird anyway.

Yes, I realise that now! I should have specified. I didn't even pick up on the 'guy' bit, I suppose because sentences like 'making me out to be the bad guy' or 'Hi guys!' seem quite gender-neutral nowadays.

We will definitely be less in one another's lives once I no longer have the dog.
The house hasn't ever been an issue for me so I haven't thought about pushing it. Our current arrangement works fine. I would love to get in there and do it up and make it nicer, regardless of who might live there, but ex is happy there, it has earned me equity, nothing is bothering anyone so it hasn't been a priority for me to do anything different.

Thank you

Just the fact she objected so strongly to your ex attending A FUNERAL makes me think your girlfriend is not going to impove your life OP.

Less than a year in and she's stressing you out, disrupting your relationships, you're losing sleep, crying, begging her to stop shouting, she's making you want to cancel things you enjoy and have done fine for years. Packing bags, shouting, silent treatment, finding fault with how affectionate you were when out for a meal, being remote on a trip out then complaining when you reply to a message on your phone - honestly that is no way to live. Surely you don't look forward to eeeing her? Aren't you on eggshells? Cut her loose before she stifles you further.

They have just always stayed if they've been here for any reason. I didn't realise this time would have to be any different, and have only recently learned that DP had an issue with it.

To be honest OP this is complete nonsense, you knew DP had a problem with her staying over for the funeral when you were there, so ex didn't end up staying at all that time, so how on earth can you say you thought she would be okay with it??

The only times ex has stayed at your house since being with your partner is when you aren't there. I think you've fucked up by inviting your ex to stay at your house with you, knowing your DP would not like it, and now they don't like it, shock horror.

In theory it may be controlling of your DP, and that could be a problem in itself, but I'm not sure of many people that would be happy for their partners ex to come and celebrate with them before, during, and stay the night in your house afterwards like close mates, the precedent of your relationship up to now is that you see your ex briefly and for purely practical reasons, and you've not slept in the same house at the same time since you've been together.

The whole thing is fucking weird, most people would invite their ex to the pub part and that would be it.. I think you need to reflect on that.

I think its quite telling that instead of doing the obvious thing- uninviting your ex- you're thinking of just cancelling the entire night.

First post nailed it.

Uninvite “D” P

I dont feel that I can tell people the truth (including in this case about my birthday) as they will believe I am being controlled. I dont want DP to be looked upon negatively.
Read some articles about controlling relationships. What you have said here is exactly the kind of thing people say when their partner is becoming controlling. Controlling partners also try to alienate their partner from friends and family.

Also, I think posters are missing the point that this party and guest list, including overnight guests were all arranged before your DP was your DP.

OP I'm sorry your DP is being so uncompromising about the way you run your life, which sounds perfectly reasonable. You say you'll do anything to avoid drama and conflict; I'm the same. This leaves us very vulnerable to manipulation by people who want to control us by flying off the rails about the slightest thing. This sounds like one more power play that she expects to win. Please don't let her, and consider the comments PPs have made about coercive control.

Also, I think posters are missing the point that this party and guest list, including overnight guests were all arranged before your DP was your DP.

I agree with this comment but the OP refers to her as both being invited and also saying she just asked what she was doing to celebrate this year and then said she'd come without actually being invited. She hasn't actually said at any point that she actually wants the ex to be there just that her business partner does and she doesn't mind.

I think even if she ends the relationship with her current partner, any future partners will find the high degree of passivity and just going along with what others want to be frustrating. And, whilst I have no problem with partners being friend swith exes, this isn't a standard friends with an ex situation given the degree of abuse (being picked up and thrown is something I'd never be able to see past and I suspect most people wouldn't.)

At some point, some of those wants and needs will clash. She needs to he certain of what she actually wants so that she doesn't find herself in situations where she's being pulled in all directions because she's just looking for an easy life. Sometimes, making the hard decisions is what creates the easy life.

Tbh, I think there's fault on everyone's part in this situation.

This will be something I will look at. Seems I would have to change my whole personality to avoid this type of thing if true.

People do seem to think I will forever be in contact with ex due to dog, whom of course unfortunately will not last forever.

I am lucky to have a good group of friends and since breaking off with ex (if her abuse counts as 'drama'?) up until what this conflict has caused. I am always open to working on myself, I am not a stranger to that unfortunately, but I do not feel that I have had any friends back away from me or any other 'drama' people in my life.