OH ridicules my severe allergies and breathing issues

[AntoniaX]

Hi all. I’ve always suffered from severe reactions to harsh chemical smells, dust, and animal dander - to the point where I've spent countless nights wheezing instead of sleeping (and it isn't always much better during daytime when around such triggers).

Recently, I invested my own money into three air purifiers to place around the house to reduce my allergic reaction to our dogs and dust in general, and thankfully, my dust allergies and wheezing have almost completely subsided.

However, a major issue remains: My OH.

He loves heavily scented products, whereas they completely trigger my respiratory issues. Despite me constantly asking him not to, he still uses fabric conditioner on our sheets and towels (2 - 3 x the recommended amount as well). On top of that, his heavy use of hairspray and cologne literally stops me from breathing, forcing me to leave the room until the air clears.

We have frequent arguments about this because I feel like my health just isn't being taken seriously. He doesn't mind all the chemicals and scents, or believe that our pets could cause any issues for my breathing. What he does mind is my reaction to them, and he frequently ridicules me for it as he claims I am always overreacting, or just being dramatic for the sake of it. (I'd like to be able to breathe - just for the record.)

My prompt for posting this, happened this morning.

After I was forced to change rooms yet again just to breathe, he mocked me in a condescending baby-like voice before leaving for work: "Boohoo, I can't breathe, the perfumes are too strong, I can't use fabric conditioner because it smells too much, there is too much dust, I need an air purifier in every room, waaa."

All I could say was "Wow." and walked away as I always do. He just left for work as if nothing happened. I’m incredibly hurt by how rude he was, and of course, there's been no apology - and I'm 100% confident that there will not be one as I haven't had one in over a decade.

WWYD?

course leave them. They have no respect or love for you

regardless of gender

she sounds a bitch and better off without her

Male or female, does it matter? Bully remains a bully. Uncaring twat remains uncaring twat. Where is the care? The love? Still consider LTB (B now for bitch).
Any children involved? How are they cared for? Nobody deserves suffering from health issues especially as they can be avoided, with a little bit of care and understanding.

Can I clarify - do you have medical acknowledgment of these problems ? Do you have asthma inhalers for example?

because they will make your life safer and women on average prefer a doctors diagnosis to a self diagnosis

If a cup of tea was 20-30% poison, would you still drink it?

She doesn't care enough about you to prioritise your health. And YOU don't care enough about you to prioritise it either, because otherwise you'd have left already.

You're the poster who owns a dog that triggers your allergies. Hope you and the dog are enjoying your summer.

Years ago, I had a housemate who could not stand the smell of boiled eggs; not an affectation, it would set off gagging and retching. So......boiled eggs got taken off the menu. ( I confess at least one egg sandwich binge when I had the house to myself for a few days!) A simple adjustment for a friend, not even a life partner.
If your OH values these fragrances more than your happiness and well-being, I would say that you are basically incompatible. Your symptoms should be evincing sympathy, possibly consideration of practical solutions, not mockery.
I would suggest consulting an allergy expert, as other PP's have suggested; even if she does not wish to take this seriously when it is all spelled out, she cannot claim she has not been told.

Years ago, I had a housemate who could not stand the smell of boiled eggs; not an affectation, it would set off gagging and retching. So......boiled eggs got taken off the menu. ( I confess at least one egg sandwich binge when I had the house to myself for a few days!) A simple adjustment for a friend, not even a life partner.
If your OH values these fragrances more than your happiness and well-being, I would say that you are basically incompatible. Your symptoms should be evincing sympathy, possibly consideration of practical solutions, not mockery.
I would suggest consulting an allergy expert, as other PP's have suggested; even if she does not wish to take this seriously when it is all spelled out, she cannot claim she has not been told.

Our marriage is by no means perfect. We argue, we’re get frustrated with each other, we compromise in decorating decisions, or what to have for lunch etc, but we don’t call each other names and we aren’t nasty to each other. Not even for 1% of the time.
Whatever sex you are, you shouldn’t be disrespectful to each other, even if you don’t always agree. Without respect and trust, there is no meaningful relationship.

Where do you go from here op?

Leave this woman. You deserve better..She is mean and heartless and you deserve a woman who cares for you. Best wishes.

Also do you think she saw this ?.

I'm assuming she has not read this, as I'm here once again just burning and itching away on sheets that have loads of nasty fabric conditioner in the middle of the night.

I pointed it out again as we were making the bed, to only get a "I didn't put that much in!". And 'not that much' means that after handling the sheets I needed to wash my hands as there was a film of the stuff on from just touching it. I suspect the overfilling of the washing machine just also means that nothing get rinsed off properly. Anyway...

And just to address someone's comment: I do washing as well thank you very much, and all of my own washing. The 'shared bits' i.e. sheets and towels typically just get done by those who do them first - and I don't always get the chance to do non-fabric conditioned washes if she beats me up to it. And when I do, I get moaned at for the sheets or towels not smelling nice enough.

But yeah... I think I'll start with sending her the thread and using that as a conversation starter of sorts and go from there.

Thanks again.

Of breathing issues, yes I do. And I also do have an inhaler and a spacer for whenever needed. Also, when I got COVID when it started going around - it was quite literally a bit touch and go whether I'd make it or not as I got hit very bad with it.

And as for the skin sensitivity - not really. I just know certain things itch and burn.

EDIT: Not sure what happened to the quotation... But was responding to the comment about if there is professional medical acknowledgement of the issues.

Any time you get to do the washing, throw 1/2 cup of bicarb of soda into the drum to help remove anything she may have added previously.

Quite honestly I'd dump him. He is literally putting your life on danger. If you wheez go to see GP for asthma check. You might get an inhaler.

Just realised it's a her. The advise is the same though.

Good . Yes , send a link to this thread. You are not being unreasonable. Your other half is totally out of order. I can't see any excuse for her actions. You deserve better.
Take care.

Doesn’t change anything that you are a man. It’s really gross how she is treating you. It goes without saying its not a big ask what you need to support your health. She sounds quite nasty.

Thanks that was me - have a few strange relatives who self diagnose and it’s beyond irritating as the diagnosis change over the years and they are all male and they never go to the doctors

good grief - that’s absolutely dreadful - your home should be a safe clean air place and your partner should look out for your health

But yeah... I think I'll start with sending her the thread and using that as a conversation starter of sorts and go from there.

Why do you think she'll listen to random Internet people when she won't listen to someone she supposedly loves and adores @AntoniaX ? She won't, as she doesn't actually respect you, she doesn't love you, and is belittling you regarding a medical situation.

Nobody decent would bring something into the house that causes another to have breathing difficulties . So why do you want to stay with someone who is actively harming you, belittling you, disrespecting you, dismisses you? Do YOU hate yourself that much?