OH ridicules my severe allergies and breathing issues

[AntoniaX]

Hi all. I’ve always suffered from severe reactions to harsh chemical smells, dust, and animal dander - to the point where I've spent countless nights wheezing instead of sleeping (and it isn't always much better during daytime when around such triggers).

Recently, I invested my own money into three air purifiers to place around the house to reduce my allergic reaction to our dogs and dust in general, and thankfully, my dust allergies and wheezing have almost completely subsided.

However, a major issue remains: My OH.

He loves heavily scented products, whereas they completely trigger my respiratory issues. Despite me constantly asking him not to, he still uses fabric conditioner on our sheets and towels (2 - 3 x the recommended amount as well). On top of that, his heavy use of hairspray and cologne literally stops me from breathing, forcing me to leave the room until the air clears.

We have frequent arguments about this because I feel like my health just isn't being taken seriously. He doesn't mind all the chemicals and scents, or believe that our pets could cause any issues for my breathing. What he does mind is my reaction to them, and he frequently ridicules me for it as he claims I am always overreacting, or just being dramatic for the sake of it. (I'd like to be able to breathe - just for the record.)

My prompt for posting this, happened this morning.

After I was forced to change rooms yet again just to breathe, he mocked me in a condescending baby-like voice before leaving for work: "Boohoo, I can't breathe, the perfumes are too strong, I can't use fabric conditioner because it smells too much, there is too much dust, I need an air purifier in every room, waaa."

All I could say was "Wow." and walked away as I always do. He just left for work as if nothing happened. I’m incredibly hurt by how rude he was, and of course, there's been no apology - and I'm 100% confident that there will not be one as I haven't had one in over a decade.

WWYD?

I have severe food allergies. If my husband wasn't serious about this he would be an ex husband in no time.

You write this about him:

"On top of that, his heavy use of hairspray and cologne literally stops me from breathing, forcing me to leave the room until the air clears."

"he frequently ridicules me"

"he mocked me in a condescending baby-like voice before leaving for work: "Boohoo, I can't breathe, the perfumes are too strong, I can't use fabric conditioner because it smells too much, there is too much dust, I need an air purifier in every room, waaa." "

"He just left for work as if nothing happened. I’m incredibly hurt by how rude he was, and of course, there's been no apology - and I'm 100% confident that there will not be one as I haven't had one in over a decade."

This is a person you call your OH.
OH means your "Other Half" (I think). The person that makes you whole. Your life partner.

Is a person who talks to you like that your "Other Half"? Does he make you whole?
Do you love him?
Do you like him?
Does he love you?
Does he like you?

LTB and get rid of the dogs too. You are allergic to them. You need to be able to breathe.

Is he trying to kill you? Think about it.

What????? Are you serious? He’s really got into your head hasn’t? If it was your friend, your mother, your child asking this question what would your answer be? Would you really say “ yes , not being able to breathe for a third of your life is a reasonable compromise in marriage, stay with this man”. And “yes, not being able to trust your partner to avoid things that make you ill and unable to breathe is fine, stay because in marriage that is what everyone puts up with and everyone thinks it’s quite reasonable “. Well, would you???

Not caring if you can breathe? Kind of a dealbreaker.

No, a partner ignoring your health issues and carrying on doing things that he knows triggers them and belittling you for it is not a comprise or normal part of a relationship. If someone doesn’t care if you can breathe then they are showing very little concern for your life.

Is it enough to call it quits for having someone who you care about be that despiteful and nasty about 20-30% of the time? Or, is that just a thing we need to put up with as a part of 'compromising' in relationships? I don't know.
@AntoniaX

Absolutely yes it's enough for a number of reasons.

First, your actual health and safety. It's not just being nasty, is it? He's DANGEROUS, putting your health at risk.
And like pp have said, can you trust him if you needed an ambulance?

Second, if you had a bespoke dinner cooked perfectly to your request at a Michelin star restaurant, and just before you went to eat your first mouthful you were told it contained 20-30% dog poo, would you still eat it?

Then obviously that 20-30% of the time being nasty is an indicator of how he actually feels.
It's not the actions of someone who loves you.
I'm sorry, it sounds brutal. You're probably wondering about the rest of the time when he's not like this, but think about what he gets out of the relationship.
Cooking, shopping, cleaning, child/pet care etc
What do you get out of the relationship?

Stop putting your life force into this man.

Omg OP, YES, it is more than enough to call it quits!!
He sounds like an absolute prick. No way in hell I'd be with someone like that.

did you ever see that old simpsons episode where Bart and principal skinner are tormenting one another with their allergens. One has a peanut on a stick and the other a shrimp and they are terrorizing each other.

this is the image that came into my head when you described what this man is doing to you.

My DH has bunged up nose issues and never once have I felt the need to question the legitimacy of his claim, it must be awful, like having a permanent cold, so I really empathise with him. What your OH is doing is really disrespectful and horrible. I wud not want to be with a person like him.

I have the same problem as you, and have occasionally screamed at DH for spraying things in the house which mean I have to run outside wheezing and choking. He understands now and is careful. I would dump your idiotic, self-centred partner immediately for carrying on in this cruel, insulting way.

Would you eat a box of chocolates if you knew that 20 - 30% of them contained shit? Do you think you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect?

You can end a marriage at any time for any reason. You may decide certain compromises are worthwhile but it's hard to believe this man is a great guy the rest of the time when he is regularly so nasty to you.

He's a nasty fucking bully playing Russian roulette with your health. You're relationship is literally making you ill.

Who's name is the house in? If it's yours then kick him out.

He doesn't seem to like you let alone love you.

You can call it quits for any reason. Any reason. Even something small or seemingly stupid. You don't have to have some grand betrayal to happen in order to break up with someone.

However, he is awful to you and he actively does unnecessary things to make your health worse. He doesn't care about you. If anything he holds you in contempt. Those are also betrayals. You need to leave him before he damages your health further.

This.

Leave. He is abusive.

No. You do not have to accept even 5 percent nastiness. Married 31 years together 36. He’s fetching me dessert right now. Never an unkind word or a selfish thought in 36 years.

Your dh is a childish playground bully. You deserve better. No point in hanging on. He is not going to change .

I think the 'wow' in our OP was quite understated. I think 'bye' would be more appropriate. If a partner was not supportive of my breathing the first and only time they deliberately used something they knew affected my breathing and did not care would be the last time they did it. I have no idea why you put up with this so long you are not compatable. You seem nice he seems a twat.

Yes it absolutely enough to end it. Abusive people are not abusive most of the time. It makes you question yourself, as you are doing.

My skin became very sensitive when I got pregnant and smells made me sneeze so much. My husband didn’t use as much fabric conditioner and was happy to change to a really low scent one. He also put deodorant and aftershave on outside! That’s what a loving partner does. Not ignore your actual allergies and then mock you for them.

This is awful OP 😢 What really stood out for me is how he spoke to you & mocked you. Please don’t stay with someone who treats you so appallingly.

I have a respiratory condition and this can cause a lot of anxiety (not to mention actual respiratory distress which can in fact be cumulative over time and lead to respiratory damage).

Regarding fabric conditioner, I use liquid detergent which seems to be more conditioning than powder, and I then put an extra rinse at the end, seems to work. Can he not apply his hairspray or colognes with a window open?

In regards to his last comment he is an epic cunt.

I've woken up in the middle of the night from being deep asleep to literally being gasping for air from having a reed diffuser in my flat. It's very, very real and frightening. Tonnes of information on Asthma and Lung UK about it.

I think you need to be 1000% proactive about managing your allergies and if he doesn't like it and isn't compatible with that then ditch him. I mean this kindly, but don't wait for his permission to put your needs or yourself first. You don't need someone's agreement that your health is important. Don't wait for someone to become who you want or need them to be, it won't happen like that - go and do what you need to do anyway.

Let him de-select himself as your partner...men are great at doing that when women put their boundaries in place!

Since he insists on dousing your bed linens with chemicals why are you sleeping with him? I would have a safe room.

Compromise in a relationship is figuring out where you want to eat out on a Friday night, it’s choosing what colour cushions to buy and the car that has extra boot space over one that goes vroom vroom at a ridiculous speed.

Compromise is not accepting a spiteful git with no compassion.

Personally, I would leave him. I get migraines from artificial fragrance and nobody is allowed to use fragrance of any kind in my home. If my partner didn't care about me, and continued to use chemical fragrance around me and then MOCKED me!??!?!?!?! I would not permit him in my home ever again.