OH ridicules my severe allergies and breathing issues

[AntoniaX]

Hi all. I’ve always suffered from severe reactions to harsh chemical smells, dust, and animal dander - to the point where I've spent countless nights wheezing instead of sleeping (and it isn't always much better during daytime when around such triggers).

Recently, I invested my own money into three air purifiers to place around the house to reduce my allergic reaction to our dogs and dust in general, and thankfully, my dust allergies and wheezing have almost completely subsided.

However, a major issue remains: My OH.

He loves heavily scented products, whereas they completely trigger my respiratory issues. Despite me constantly asking him not to, he still uses fabric conditioner on our sheets and towels (2 - 3 x the recommended amount as well). On top of that, his heavy use of hairspray and cologne literally stops me from breathing, forcing me to leave the room until the air clears.

We have frequent arguments about this because I feel like my health just isn't being taken seriously. He doesn't mind all the chemicals and scents, or believe that our pets could cause any issues for my breathing. What he does mind is my reaction to them, and he frequently ridicules me for it as he claims I am always overreacting, or just being dramatic for the sake of it. (I'd like to be able to breathe - just for the record.)

My prompt for posting this, happened this morning.

After I was forced to change rooms yet again just to breathe, he mocked me in a condescending baby-like voice before leaving for work: "Boohoo, I can't breathe, the perfumes are too strong, I can't use fabric conditioner because it smells too much, there is too much dust, I need an air purifier in every room, waaa."

All I could say was "Wow." and walked away as I always do. He just left for work as if nothing happened. I’m incredibly hurt by how rude he was, and of course, there's been no apology - and I'm 100% confident that there will not be one as I haven't had one in over a decade.

WWYD?

The idea that he is quantifiably bad just 30 percent of the time seems to be doing a lot of heavy lifting for OP. Like that is a feature of the relationship that should be counted in his favour. But should it? Adding sewage to a glass of clean water, even if it’s technically just 1/3 sewage to two thirds clean water, doesn’t make it drinkable 2/3 of the time. The whole glass is poisoned.

“Compromising” in a relationship means taking turns to choose a takeaway or like not using fabric conditioner on your bedding because your DP is allergic…
Compromise does not mean one partner putting their health in danger because they literally can’t breathe!
You don’t have to put up with this at all.

Is it enough to call it quits for having someone who you care about be that despiteful and nasty about 20-30% of the time?

Imagine a delicious sandwich made exactly how you like it, with all of your favourite ingredients, condiments, and bread. Then someone slathers shite all over the outside. It's only 20-30% of the sandwich that's actually saturated with shite - would you still try to eat it and enjoy it?

Or, is that just a thing we need to put up with as a part of 'compromising' in relationships?

A compromise might make sense on the laundry products. You could split up the laundry as much as possible so you each do your own with the products you like, but if you can't reach a compromise on things like bed linens the only option may be separate beds/rooms. That way he could also burn his candles and such only in his room. Compromise would also be his accommodating your needs when he doesn't fully understand them in the expectation that you would do the same for him when he's strongly impacted by something that might not bother you.

But what could a compromise be on his insisting that he knows better than you what it is like to be in your body? Would you start spending equal time nastily pontificating that he's wrong if he says he's sick or tired or hungry or angry or unhappy? What about his making fun of you in a belittling way? Would you figure out his weaknesses and vulnerabilities and do the same thing to him? When he told you about something he wanted or needed - either for his health or safety or comfort or for the good of the relationship - would you laugh and say no way, it's stupid for him to want that? Would doing these things make you feel happier, and like a good partner?

If not, ask yourself WHY it is so important for him to treat you poorly and make you unhappy, and why he never seems to care that the person who he's supposed to love and care about is so frequently made miserable by his actions.

I would be taking the stance if my husband behaved like this, that he was deliberately trying to make me unwell. Any decent person wouldn't be using heavily scented perfumes around you. The fact he is, suggests not only does he not give a shit, but he's getting a kick out of hurting you.

Once again, I'd like to say thank you for what I realistically expected to be the sane response.

However, here's the slight twist. And, I do have to come clean on something: Everything I said was 100% true - par the gender roles. Apologies for that.

I am not Antonia - nay - I am actually Tony. And am actually the male partner in this relationship who was seeking understanding from someone who scrolls mumsnet on days on end - and as we've not been able to have a single discussion or 'argument', or me being able to point out anything without it turning into "he said she said"... I thought it'd be a good place to get her attention as surely she'd be sure to stumble on this thread (but this never got brought up so I'm assuming she didn't or she doesn't care)

Now here's my question for you who have commented on this: Does it make a difference that it's a different gender in this position? Or would you still have the same exact opinion?

It makes no difference at all @AntoniaX

Noone should be ridiculed, dismissed and made to feel uncared for by their partner. Regardless of the sexes of each party.

No difference, I did think it was odd that a supppsed male partner did all the laundry with a bucket of fabric conditioner. FIL does love those ridiculous scented room atomisers that make me wheeze and sneeze though!

No difference. I think it’s really selfish of her. I would be rethinking the relationship.

You’ve with this twat because……..
Move on already, the non twat version of him is not waiting around the corner.

Penis or vagina....makes zero difference.

Break up with this awful woman

Your genders make no difference. You deserve to lead a healthy life free of this kind of needless stress

Makes no difference. This is not love, op. Breathe well.

Makes no odds to me.

Still want to know why you have a dog when you're allergic though.

I guess the only difference is, if you had posted it the “right” way round is that you would have gotten a lot of people saying “if your DH doesn’t like the way you wash the sheets, why doesn’t he buy the laundry products and wash all the sheets and towels etc himself?” When you present it as the man doing the laundry, that’s so unusual that that point gets missed. And I do now ask you that question - if you don’t like the way your DW does those chores, why don’t you do them the way you’d like them done and she can take on something else? Is she possibly doing on purpose to make a point that she is stuck with all the laundry, changing beds, etc?

Tony,
You two are incompatible. You deserve to live in a nontoxic to you environment. If that means no pets, no dust and no perfumed products, then any future partner should respect it and help you. I would have left them ages ago.

Seeing a GP might be helpful too though, as you could try a prescription steroid spray to help with the nasal side of it.

You might also have polyps if you have been living with these allergies for some time - I am allergic to all that stuff and wish I’d got an ENT referral earlier in life, as I ended up with sinus surgery due to all the inflammation, whereas if I’d started earlier on four anti-histamines a day (as now recommended by ENT) and courses of steroids every few months, then it might never have got as bad as it did.

Makes no difference. Asthma and allergies are often dismissed as trivial but the truth is they are not. You need to protect your airways and if your partner doesn’t understand that then they need educating.

It absolutely makes no difference. Your home needs to be allergen safe. If your supposed life partner won’t participate, that person should be a part of the household.

Whether you are the male or female partner it would make no difference at all. This person has absolutely no concern for your health whatsoever, and is going out of their way to induce your symptoms by deliberately using products that set off your symptoms. Those are not the actions of a loving, caring partner, are they?

There's an old saying here on MN: 'The only acceptable level of abuse is none'.

I have the same allergies although thankfully mine don’t sound quite as severe, I used all natural laundry products (they don’t smell as strong but they do clean as effectively), no aerosols and no air fresheners, these are all pollutants anyway. If your OH won’t even consider switching up products to help with your allergies then unfortunately I’d be leaving, they have no respect for your health (or the environment which would also put me off). On another note, using the brown inhaler every morning, nasal rinses (I do my own saline solution) and regular antihistamines have helped my allergies somewhat, I have allergic asthma.

My DH has the same allergies as you. If I treated him in the same way as your DP I would expect him to leave (he’d need to if he wanted to live as his allergic reach to these chemicals is so severe!). However I don’t hate him and do everything I can to ensure none of these substances ever get into our home.

You need to leave!

On a separate note I’ve now read quite a lot about chemical scent allergies and it’s now thought between 25 - 35% of the population are affected to some degree by them (plus all of the environment!) so why is there no apparent general awareness?

Leave.
Someone who mocks you doesnt love you.

She doesnt care that you can't breathe! How fucked up is that?

My mum has the same extreme sensitivity to chemicals that you do. She doesnt even live with me and I've made changes so she can visit without feeling like she's going to collapse. It's called tilt and its because she was a hospital cleaner and because she cleaned our house every day with a bleach solution! She lost the ability to tolerate chemicals and now even a whiff of perfume has her on her knees.

Theres also a version that isnt caused by years of low level chemical exposure, its mcs I think. Multiple chemical sensitivity or something.

He doesn't like you.

It's clear as day.

No, she’s still trying to kill you.

Instead of doing a passive aggressive game of chance and leaving it on Mumsnet in the hope she finds it, you could try taking her to your GP or allergy specialist and getting them to spell out the situation, though I still reckon you need to leave for your own safety. She doesn’t like you.