OH ridicules my severe allergies and breathing issues

[AntoniaX]

Hi all. I’ve always suffered from severe reactions to harsh chemical smells, dust, and animal dander - to the point where I've spent countless nights wheezing instead of sleeping (and it isn't always much better during daytime when around such triggers).

Recently, I invested my own money into three air purifiers to place around the house to reduce my allergic reaction to our dogs and dust in general, and thankfully, my dust allergies and wheezing have almost completely subsided.

However, a major issue remains: My OH.

He loves heavily scented products, whereas they completely trigger my respiratory issues. Despite me constantly asking him not to, he still uses fabric conditioner on our sheets and towels (2 - 3 x the recommended amount as well). On top of that, his heavy use of hairspray and cologne literally stops me from breathing, forcing me to leave the room until the air clears.

We have frequent arguments about this because I feel like my health just isn't being taken seriously. He doesn't mind all the chemicals and scents, or believe that our pets could cause any issues for my breathing. What he does mind is my reaction to them, and he frequently ridicules me for it as he claims I am always overreacting, or just being dramatic for the sake of it. (I'd like to be able to breathe - just for the record.)

My prompt for posting this, happened this morning.

After I was forced to change rooms yet again just to breathe, he mocked me in a condescending baby-like voice before leaving for work: "Boohoo, I can't breathe, the perfumes are too strong, I can't use fabric conditioner because it smells too much, there is too much dust, I need an air purifier in every room, waaa."

All I could say was "Wow." and walked away as I always do. He just left for work as if nothing happened. I’m incredibly hurt by how rude he was, and of course, there's been no apology - and I'm 100% confident that there will not be one as I haven't had one in over a decade.

WWYD?

He is an absolute twat OP.

Why are you with him OP?

What the actual fuck. He’s basically poisoning you and mocking you for being poisoned. You can’t dump him soon enough, and have a home you can be safe in.

I have the same allergies and sensitivities as you, OP, and it's miserable to live like that when you're unable to escape your allergy triggers.

Your OH has zero empathy, doesn't care if he triggers your asthma, actively does unnecessary things knowing it wrecks your health and quality of life, and from his reactions to your health issues, he clearly holds you in contempt. Time to leave him.

The day I came home from the doctor with a long list of my allergens, my husband helped me purge our home of offending products. This included his own.

you need to leave. Given your asthma and triggers, what he is doing is abuse. A bad asthma attack could kill you.

You deserve to be safe in your own home.

Does he have a life insurance policy on you? (Or have I been watching too much That Chapter on YouTube?)

Seriously though, this man doesn’t care about you.

This. Also hes an abuser and he is also thick as pigshit. Please dont waste another day. I'll be honest - an asthma attack could kill you and he is actively inviting them. This is actually a chilling post.

Oh OP, you can’t live like that. Soul destroying and potentially dangerous.

Id love a cat. We can’t get a cat because DH is allergic. I love DH and I want his home, our home, to be as much his sanctuary as mine. So we don’t have a cat. I am making an active choice to put DH first.

Your partner is not behaving like this. Where is your safe sanctuary? Because of him it is not your home.

You need to change this for your physical and mental wellbeing long term.

This.

Break up.
it's insane to live like this

You are talking about your ex , right ?

End it. That’s what I would do. There is no way I would live with an abusive bastard.

If you don’t want to, or feel you can’t, take some protective measures. Get rid of the fabric conditioner and room scents. Each time he buys the stuff, give it away or bin it.

If my DH brought drugs or vapes into the house I would get rid of them. I fk t see how this is any different.

He sounds awful and very smelly stuff is horrible. However, if you are allergic to dogs but still have one then I can see why he might not think he needs to take the allergies that seriously. It is a bit like people with food allergies who still eat foods containing the allergens, no one really believes they have the allergies.

WWYD?

change the locks or get the hell out - depending on ownership of your property. How have you put up with this for 10 years?? Reclaim your life.

My ex would do stuff like this. Utterly obnoxious. Please start proceedings to get away from this horrible man.
He wont change, people like this never do Im afraid

Do you have particularly valuable life insurance that he's after?

My DP has similar allergies. Fabric softener doesn’t bother him, but candles/diffusers, perfumes, deodorant sprays - anything that kind of hangs in the air - are a problem. Also animals, but we don’t have any. I have to admit that, as someone who loves certain smells and who associates them strongly with moods and memories, I find it annoying that I can’t have some scent or other wafting around the place. BUT this is his health, so I suck it up. Your partner sounds as though he lacks empathy, doesn’t like you very much, or has a cruel streak. Possibly all three.

This man despises you.

LTB

Not to put too fine a point on this but your DH is trying to kill you. Sit down and absorb that information. He is actively using products which cause you severe breathing problems.

Why would you stay with someone who hates you so much they are trying to harm you as much as possible?

Your husband doesn't like you and finds hurting you funny (as a minimum)

if be making divorce plans and I don't say that lightly at all. I just don't see how you can stay with him.

He has absolute contempt for you and this is how he expresses it OP. The overuse of conditioner sounds batshit, and why is he using hairspray??? Your house sounds full of chemicals in the air.

@AnotherVice You're trying to play Devil's advocate, but you're coming across as either uneducated or doing unkind trolling.

If the cause can be avoided, then people shouldn't be on unnecessary medications for long periods of time especially. Inhalers aren't just 'inhalers'. They're steroids. Same for nasal sprays.

There also seems to be an increasing link between anticholinergic medicines such as some anti histamines and Dementia. The correlation vs causation isn't clear, and the newer antihistamines aren't as anticholinergic, but I think they were still on the NHS list of anticholinergic medicines last time I checked.

Also, one shouldn't need to have an EPI pen to have a condition that seriously affects quality of life. I have mild - moderate asthma than can stop me from sleeping when it flares, even if it's mild as my body is on high alert and I'm having to breathe with more effort that what is natural. I was not given an EPI pen for this.

I ask because obviously allergies can be serious and deadly but when you say you can’t breathe, you obviously can or you wouldn’t be able to talk

It's possible to have enough breath for talking but not have enough to do normal functions. Just ask post-Covid patients about that. No point though as I think you've come here to bully or dismiss the OP, thinking you are actually somehow more educated than her .

Yes I and I can see why. Essential oils like bergamot or orange can irritate the lungs too but less so. Those candles and diffusers are usually full of nasty chemicals. Even good quality perfumes are much better than those.

He won’t be content until you have a serious incident…which will be all your fault.

The question isn’t WWYD, because the answer to that is very obvious. Rather, the important question is why are you still with him?