OH ridicules my severe allergies and breathing issues

[AntoniaX]

Hi all. I’ve always suffered from severe reactions to harsh chemical smells, dust, and animal dander - to the point where I've spent countless nights wheezing instead of sleeping (and it isn't always much better during daytime when around such triggers).

Recently, I invested my own money into three air purifiers to place around the house to reduce my allergic reaction to our dogs and dust in general, and thankfully, my dust allergies and wheezing have almost completely subsided.

However, a major issue remains: My OH.

He loves heavily scented products, whereas they completely trigger my respiratory issues. Despite me constantly asking him not to, he still uses fabric conditioner on our sheets and towels (2 - 3 x the recommended amount as well). On top of that, his heavy use of hairspray and cologne literally stops me from breathing, forcing me to leave the room until the air clears.

We have frequent arguments about this because I feel like my health just isn't being taken seriously. He doesn't mind all the chemicals and scents, or believe that our pets could cause any issues for my breathing. What he does mind is my reaction to them, and he frequently ridicules me for it as he claims I am always overreacting, or just being dramatic for the sake of it. (I'd like to be able to breathe - just for the record.)

My prompt for posting this, happened this morning.

After I was forced to change rooms yet again just to breathe, he mocked me in a condescending baby-like voice before leaving for work: "Boohoo, I can't breathe, the perfumes are too strong, I can't use fabric conditioner because it smells too much, there is too much dust, I need an air purifier in every room, waaa."

All I could say was "Wow." and walked away as I always do. He just left for work as if nothing happened. I’m incredibly hurt by how rude he was, and of course, there's been no apology - and I'm 100% confident that there will not be one as I haven't had one in over a decade.

WWYD?

Spiteful and nasty 30% of the time?? My DH is spiteful and nasty 0% of the time, which is the right amount. You absolutely should not be staying with this man.

Yes it’s absolutely ok to leave over someone who is supposed to live and care for you deliberately endangering your health and being mean to you.

It sounds as though we may have some similar allergies. Recently I’ve Bern suffering and my DH has seen me suffering recently and bought me a
N95 face mask and done all of the shopping, cooking and housework plus making sure I’ve got enough snacks and drinks and medication.

If he behaved like your H he would very much be an ExH.

I’m quite sensitive to smells and hate people spraying stuff near me and I will cough if it’s a lot but I don’t struggle to breathe. You do, and your OH either doesn’t believe you/ thinks you are exaggerating/ doesn’t care / wants to harm you. None of those are ok. Do you actually need to be hospitalised / die for him to care? Would he even care then? Its certainly enough to leave.

Even physically abusive partners aren’t usually nasty 100% of the time.

No relationship is perfect but I’m struggling to understand how anyone can do this to their partner.

I’m also struggling to accept that this is his only flaw. Are you saying he’s loving and caring in all other ways? He just doesn’t care about your breathing when it comes to perfumes etc.

Or is he actually just a selfish prick who regularly puts his own desires first?

Youre probably not ready to admit it to yourself, but you’re in a toxic relationship with someone who is unkind to you. He doesn’t respect or show care to you. It’s very sad and I hope one day you can see it for what it is and choose to leave him. You deserve to live with fresh air - none of that stuff is needed, I think he’s doing it purposely to hurt you.

I think you do know.

It is 1000% enough to call it quits.

Why in earth have you got dogs if you suffer so much? I can see why he's thinking you are putting it on.

Deal breaker OP.
You do not mention children. They could inherit your allergies and he will not take it seriously.
At a minimum, you need separate rooms, separate laundry and separate bathrooms.
But that will not sort his attitude. You need to leave him.

Is it enough to call it quits for having someone who you care about be that despiteful and nasty about 20-30% of the time?

Considering he could kill you by his deliberate choices in that 20-30% of the time then hell yes. This man doesn't just not like you, he actually hates you. Hates you enough to deliberately be cruel to you. One day you will wake up to a bedroom full of those candles/air freshners gasping for your life while he smirks.

If you don't value your own life @AntoniaX why should anyone else? Get out and get some self worth.

This. I have an anaphylactic response to quinoa but stupidly havent got around to arranging formal diagnosis and getting an epipen. My DH is obsessed. Currently in Sicily where quinoa is a major crop and is in everything. He is monitoring the salad buffet and learned how to ask in shite italian whether there is anything in what he is choosing as he is terrified of cross contamination. He’s like an old mother hen - but it is what I would expect of any loving partner or parent? I am going to sort iout that epipen when I get home…

What OPs partner is doing is the equivalent of adding quinoa (or peanuts or whatever allergen) to everything. It’s foul.

Yes OP it is enough to leave him. You can’t live with someone who does things deliberately or carelessly that will harm your health. I don’t know many men who are fussed about fabric conditioner, candles and spray, I feel he is doing it on purpose to upset you.
leave him and enjoy peace and safety in your own home.

He's actively trying to harm you. Exposing people to their allergens is an insidious form of physical abuse.

Abusers aren't abusive 100% of the time.

You do know that repeated exposure can make your allergies worse. Your immune system can become even more reactive and your symptoms worse. Tell your doctor what's going on and get an epi pen and keep it accessible to you. Your partner might try to hide it or get rid of it.

Yes, you need to split up. You want to die from anaphylaxis?

My husband had a mild allergy to a certain food. I stopped eating it unless he was away. That's what a considerate partner does.

Op
This is more than enough to leave him.
It is not ‘compromise’ to put up with him endangering your health.
He is actively trying to make you uncomfortable. That is not loving or respectful behaviour.
💐

Why in heavens name are you talking about apologies and understanding? You need to buy hypo allergenic washing powder (ecover zero is the only one really) and throw away absolutely everything else including all fabric softeners and anything else scented. If your dh insists on buying it you do all your washing separately and you ensure that you wash the bed sheets every single time. You need to get rid of the dog. These are non negotiable and fuck knows why you are allowing them to be negotiable. Ffs get a grip. Once you have made those changes you can decide whether to get rid of your idiotic cretinous husband. You both sound as if you about 4 years old.

He is horrible OP. Honestly the more he f threads like these I read on Mumsnet I am convinced men are just plain evil

I’m very sorry you are having health problems, as it is a health problem. My mother was severely asthmatic and suffered terribly.
can you imagine what would happen if you were allergic to nuts? Would he be throwing them around ? Still be cooking with them? Tough shit poor you? Putting your life in danger?

He’s a twat. And a bully.
If you have children and they are allergic too, what would he do ? Boo hoo poor kiddo?
A caring partner would be just that. Caring.
I remember my mother gasping for breath. It’s a terrible thing to witness. Nothing funny at all.
I would consider LTB.
Take care.

I do agree with binning all of their scented stuff and washing the sheets yourself. An even better solution would be to split up.

OP, the air purifiers were a really good start. Now you need a new house to put them in, minus him.

OP, this man is abusive and hates you.

The condescending mocking baby voice? That's contempt. I know, because an abusive ex-boyfriend used to do it to me when I voiced any need or boundary.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. As soon as I developed an allergy to a household product my husband used, he got rid, no questions asked.

If it helps at all, my EX failed to call an ambulance when I had a bad asthma attack out walking my dog (greyhound, very little dander). My inhaler was not making any noticeable improvement in the situation. He was too embarrassed to call 999. Said I was ‘making a fuss’, you know, trying to breathe and all that jazz.
I finished with him, by text, without a second’s thought.
If someone cannot get around the fact that certain things limit your ability to breathe, they are not a good person to have in your life. I was lucky, I was near an open shop/chemist. They called 999.

OP, I have never ever been in any relationship including in my teens where my partner would make fun of me for any health issue or actually any other issue.

If we were in this situation my DH would be continuously researching air purifiers/washing liquids that might help. He has asthma and hayfever. When someone buys me flowers my first thought is to check which they are and regift them discretely. He'd never suggest this but a bunch of lilies in our house would have him sneezing constantly so I wouldn't want them in the house either. It's just basic consideration, isn't it?

I think you are worth more than this and the fact that you are considering whether this is okay does make me wonder what else you accept that I would consider unreasonable.

This, OP, is what you deserve. No less. Good work AnonyMumAuDHD. He's a keeper.

And he's still breathing...why, exactly?

Is it worth dying for? What if your breathing suddenly gets worse? Would he even call an ambulance?

He won't die if he can't continue to use his preferred method of spray hair products or deodorants but you might.

@AntoniaX "Is it enough to call it quits for having someone who you care about be that despiteful and nasty about 20-30% of the time? Or, is that just a thing we need to put up with as a part of 'compromising' in relationships? I don't know."

Nobody should have to live with someone who is spiteful 30% of the time. Would you like your child or another loved one to be friends with someone who was spiteful, ridiculed them and put their health at risk 30% of the time? What would you say to that? And have you also considered how your relationship will look as you get older. Do you think he's going to change, stay the same or get worse? I can tell you for a fact that he'll only get worse. This isn't a compromise, this is you constantly submitting to this man's nastiness and being his emotional punch bag. Does he treat his mother, mates or work colleagues like it?