Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

Yes I have asked him but he’s not keen.
he says he thinks the therapist and I will take sides against him
so that’s Parked for now
I do still feel im getting a lot out of therapy though , speaking to someone openly is very hard but I feel it is helpful

The thing is it’s not only two rapes really. The majority of their sexual interactions are non-consensual. If you know that if you say no enough times, you’ll be raped anyway, then none of those sexual experiences are really consensual because consent can’t be freely and enthusiastically given within that dynamic. Those are the incidents that stand out to Poet I think because it must be so devastating to not be able to pass things off as him having misunderstood or it being an accident or any other of the myriad of excuses she’s made for his behaviour to try to reconcile the man she thinks loves her with the way her abusive husband actually behaves and who he really is.

I think having a safe space is really important. I also think that not challenging the narrative is problematic because it’s become a way, in the past, of almost co-signing that this is all acceptable. Therapy is her safe space as I think her therapist is trying to work with her but is trapped really by the fact that she doesn’t want to leave.

In terms of what the right thing to do is, once again I don’t think OP has any intention of leaving. She has said multiple times she doesn’t want to. When she returned to him this time (having not told anyone anything!), she said she’d done so because she ‘needed’ him. She hasn’t said once throughout all of the threads that she wants to leave. What she wants is to make him change but that will never happen. And so change or progress is not possible.

Unfortunately, nobody knows about this and so nobody can safeguard her children from the emotional and psychological effects of witnessing the coercive control and the sexual dynamic.

Many women return to their abusers but if they’ve had contact with services, they will be referred on and so at least the relevant authorities are aware. It’s seen as the women’s choice to return, as adults we have autonomy and obviously you can never stop someone from returning no matter how painful it is to watch it happen. However the children don’t. They don’t have a voice and they don’t have a choice and that’s why referrals are put in place.

I can understand that speaking to someone 'out loud' can be helpful for venting emotions that are building up inside us, or for validating our feelings that something is really, really wrong.

But part of therapy is also about taking control of our lives and making changes. Real changes. I'm not talking about saying "Don't do that" (which is a good thing) but about putting yourself in a place where you don't have to say "Don't do that" because you are where they can't harm you. Do you feel you're actually working towards that?

By taking sides he means ‘two women will tell me it’s wrong to rape women but I don’t want to stop raping the woman I live with (having recently admitted out loud that I know I’ve raped her before, shortly before raping her again) so I’m not going to go’.

It’s for the best he doesn’t, of course, as counselling with an abuser is not recommended or safe, but don’t forget Poet, he knows he is a rapist. He told you he raped you before and was trying to avoid doing it again.

Then he raped you (the next day I think) in your friends home, just like he did in your parents home. At your friends with your children in a room nearby and at your parents with your beautiful baby in your stomach, heavily pregnant.

I can only keep hoping that you can find a way to get out of this terribly abusive, damaging and devastating existence soon for your children’s sake as much as yours x

It's really good you're still making notes, just make sure to keep them well hidden.

Did you ask him why he thinks you and the counsellor will gang up on him, and more importantly, for what? His answer will be very telling. Does he even get uncomfortable when the rapes come up in conversation?

Good, because you shouldn't go to couples' therapy with your rapist. It can only be harmful, not helpful. I still can't believe your therapist suggested that! I'm happy you feel good about therapy, but given what your therapist suggested, I do wonder whether it's helping you or just enabling your abusive relationship. What goals are you working towards in therapy?

I'm glad that things are quieter too, but I imagine that just means you're placating him with sex whenever he wants, in order to avoid him openly forcing it on you. It makes me very sad for you that you feel as though you're making happy memories with a man that you know enjoys raping you. You deserve better.

How is his own therapy going OP? The one that was part of his promises to “start over” and enable him to become a better man for you?

He won't want documented evidence that he is a rapist.

It's all OK at the moment? Have you asked the children about their emotional regulation? Terror mixed with relief mixed with anxiety mixed with scared anticipation as mummy's ok right now but it will change.
I can't pussyfoot anymore. You're minimising and being ridiculous. You are the adult who can save them and you're not.
Good luck

@PinkPoetAgain1

' some happy memories being made which probably Seems a bit silly but it means a lot to me '

Are you hoping / praying / desperately thinking that making some happy memories will block out your knowledge / memories of all the rapes and all the constant sexual abusing.