Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

For anyone who has been following this thread and is interested, I have been watching Red Flag on iplayer. The experts make it very clear what is abuse and what warning signs to look out for.

Just letting you know many of us are still thinking of you port and hope you are safe x

This is very true. I was thinking of you yesterday:

And me as well, Poet. I hope you're alright.

Ditto..

I'm also thinking of you too, dear Poet 😘

Hope you're as okay as you can be PP x

I wonder if @PinkPoetAgain1will ever come back.

I don't think it likely, unless something really terrible happens, and/or she leaves.

But I do hope that she's as alright as can be, still going to a therapist, and keeping in touch with Women's Aid. She deserves real happiness and safety, and so do the children.

I doubt it, but maybe when he does something else horrendous and she needs to tell someone else about it or in 10 years time when she realises that it’s too late and the kids are indeed suffering because of him.

I hope she is ok and staying as safe as she can be. It’s a shame that she cannot see that strangers hoping that you are ok and safe with your own husband is not indicative of a happy life.

We know that men like her husband don’t change, so I fear that poet not coming back almost certainly means he is continuing these behaviours and she is embarrassed to come back as she would have to either lie and say it’s improved, or admit that she is staying in the environment and therefore so are her children.

It’s all so sad and such a waste of the life of someone who is clearly an intelligent and kind woman x

I've actually just made the decision to unwatch this thread.

There is nothing to be done and the roller coaster of Poet building herself up to leave & then.....nothing - is heart breaking and I can't watch anymore.
Poet is so deeply entrenched in this situation that the sunken costs fallacy of the relationship vs investment mean that it will never matter what he does because in Poet's mind it's not bad all the time and the happiness in between is the pay off to stay. Until he uses his fists on her or the children then Poet will stay and to be honest I don't think even that would make her leave. Her husband has done such a complete number on her that she's stuck in an delusion of faith and love and immoveable in thought or deed.
Eventually Poet will likely have a complete mental breakdown and at that point, hopefully, she'll get the intensive psychiatric help that she obviously needs. This is beyond the scope or range of your normal psychotherapy or private therapist I believe. I sense that Poet probably has a darker, deeper trauma at play here which is making her so intractable to changing anything that would make her safer and her DC's lives better with true happiness. Something feels 'off' here and I can not even hazard a guess as to what it is.

We need to stop commenting or certainly you should all stop asking for updates. Poet knows what's going on and she knows where the help is. She can re-read at anytime to remember advice or give herself courage but the up's & down's are not helping Poet because it's damaging her MH because she feels that she's failed people on here, people in her life and herself. This prodding isn't helping and if anything could be doing more damage. So, let's just leave this alone now and although some will not agree, we need to stop these desires for updates even if some think that it's just posting support - it's not as all it's doing is reinforcing Poet's sense of failure and that's harmful.

I hope he burns in hell. You are Mr Poet utterly evil if you have actually found these threads (I believe he has) and you still, having read it all, continue to perpetrate your vile crimes.

It's also school holidays and Poet rarely posts during them as he's around far more. If she comes back, it'll be in September or if something even more awful happens.

dear pink poet, echoing what @throwawayimplantchat is saying. We do think much of you and don’t hold you ok little regard. You come across as being lovely but sad trapped. This is why so many still post and think of you x

Hi @PinkPoetAgain1. I hope you're okay. I am thinking of you and would just like to let you know that I am still here 🥰

I guess it's still the school holidays and PP is playing happy families.

I thought of Poet today as down my way the schools are back tomorrow. I don't think she'll be back either though. I hope the kids are happier in school and maybe they will speak to someone or something will be picked up. It's a layer of potential protection at least.

It's fine for people to choose to step away from the thread. I don't think anyone else needs advice to also do that. It's kind of up to each individual to do what's right for them. PP knows the thread is here. She'll be back, either openly or covertly and either is fine.

I have been thinking of Poet after reading quite a few articles recently about the increase in the number of women being raped whilst asleep/drugged by their partners.
So many bright, wonderful women who looked like they had perfect lives to outsiders. Husbands others admired.
Luckily in the cases I read about it was treated seriously, police involvement, prison.
But I think that is the only way to stop it and I doubt PP will get there.
I hope she is okay.

Hi everyone, thank you for all your messages of support. I still read them 💗
I took some time away as I have been having a bit of a mental health breakdown the last month or so. I started to feel panicky and anxious all the time, not sleeping and having intrusive thoughts, as well as compulsive patterns and not eating/over exercising. everything felt like an emergency is the only way I can describe it.

it took a few weeks but I am now medicated and still having weekly therapy to process the trauma and am starting to feel a difference and feeling hopeful and slightly less anxious again. I’m also journalling my thoughts /feelings every night good and bad and this has been hugely helpful for me.

In terms of H’s behaviour, he has improved a lot and is also going to therapy. He’s been more open with our money and taking things off my plate. He’s also getting good at helping me with grounding techniques when I’m in a panic attack. There have been no more instances of SA and although he’ll always probably have a high drive and try it on he is listening when I say no and working on not taking this as a rejection. He’s working on his anger with his therapist.

I appreciate that a lot of people will still think I should have left, but at the moment I am working on trying to get myself better to give my kids the mum they deserve. 💗

I’m sorry you’ve been unwell Poet, I’m sure you know on some level that this is all due to him. I think you are underestimating how many think you should leave. I’d say on this thread it’s pretty unanimous.

You need to chose yourself, it’s not a “high drive” he’s a rapist. Your own body is scared of him and that is coming out in your health.
Did you tell your GP/Therapist the truth?
Im just so sorry for you x

Hi Poet, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling so much. It sounds like your body was in a state of constant crisis due to the stress and trauma that you were under. I'm glad that you're doing things like therapy, and journalling - it's good that they're helping.

It's also good that your husband is working on changing and taking responsibility for his own actions, although I have to wonder if he understands the gravity of his actions, and the wrongness of his beliefs around sex. Personally, I think that him just 'trying it on' is verging on abusive in itself, especially with your relationship history, but it is a (rather sad) positive development that he at least listens when you say no, now.

I do hope that this means that you never have sex that you don't 100% enthusiastically want, and that he doesn't try to emotionally punish you for not having sex.

I have to admit, I don't think he's a good man and I don't think the relationship is a healthy one, but it's really good and positive to see you taking charge of your life, making healthy decisions, looking after yourself, and putting yourself first at least some of the time. That's really amazing, and you should be proud of yourself ❤

I hope that you can maintain this positive direction over time, and build your strength and confidence, so that if your husband shows signs of sliding back to his old habits you can make sure that doesn't happen, one way or another.

I'm so glad to hear that you're doing okay 💕 Best of luck, Poet - and you'll always have a listening ear here on Mumsnet if you need it.

I’m sorry you’ve been having a rough time with your mental health. It is not surprising to hear it, as you have gone through quite a few cycles of ‘everything is great’ followed by ‘bad mental health’ since you started posting earlier this year.

Your health issues almost certainly stem from living with him like this, but I imagine the trauma bond grows stronger still. A good example is how he’s now helping you when you have a panic attack. A bit like punching you in the face then offering to kiss it better I guess.

If you’ve been reading here you will see it’s not so much that people expected you to leave, more that you’ve never really come to terms with the reality of the situation and nothing anyone here says has changed that (a few steps before, and not necessarily leading to, leaving). You’ve come back to tell us that alongside your anxiety and panic attacks, your abuser hasn’t SA you, is being more open, and is working on his own issues in therapy. I think you still can’t see him as an abuser, who has controlled you since you were 18, can you? To you he’s the loving husband who you adore, but who has some flaws you hope he can work through.

Your final point Poet about giving your children the mum they deserve. It’s not possible to be the woman you want to be for them, while you live in this state of stress with your abuser. I hope one day soon you see how impossible this situation is. You’re now medicated to stop the anxiety that you have from living with your husband. There’s a better life for you and your children. I wish you’d believe us and have some faith in yourself. Please reengage with Woman’s Aid.