If your Christmas gifts from DH upset you, would you say something or not?

[Moreshowergel]

We opened the gifts in a big family group as we had lots of family over.
He got me 4 lots of shower gel. 2 were basically the same. One did come in a box with a tiny scented candle. It just felt like he went to the l'occitane shop, scooped some shower gel off the shelves and thought "job done". I do like their shower gel but I actually have several in the bathroom already.

I guess I took lots of time choosing his gifts and it's just made me feel a bit of an afterthought

We've been together 10 years. I know he was busy in the runup.

He's asked me why I am quiet and I feel like it's unfair and petty to say something but equally it has left me feeling a bit shit and maybe its better to say ?

Tell him! Your feelings matter, he hurt them. He needs to know and understand why.

Yes I would. Try and do it calmly and in private, explaining exactly why you are unhappy with them. Don't leave it too long otherwise he will think he's got away with it. Be interesting to hear his response!

Definitely tell him.

I'm pretty rubbish at buying presents so probably more similar to your DH, so DH agreed long ago that he would tell me things through the year and I keep a list! It saved years of resentment I’m sure!!

Maybe time for a list?

Yes you say something. I always used to ask my DH why he’d bought me random crap and ask for the receipts. They never learn unless you tell them. Shower gel is a particularly shit gift from a husband. He needs to do better.

Ugh, that sucks. I’d tell him. I had the same one year - I still tease him about ‘the year of the shower gels’. Since then, I’ve decided to take things into my own hands and just order stuff I want in the lead up to Christmas and put it in his wardrobe and tell him to wrap it. I do it over a few weeks and by the time christmas comes Ive actually forgotten half of what Ive bought (thanks perimenopause ☺️). I’m happy as I get stuff I want and he is happy that he has to put in minimal effort and I am happy. In a perfect world, he’d listen when I dropped subtle hints or buy me thoughtful gifts, but that’s not his strength - he has lots of others though so 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Sorry you’re feeling rubbish about it though - it does suck a bit…

(The first year after ‘the year of the shower gels’, I tried sending him links to things I liked, but they’d sold out by the time he went to buy them so I just decided to buy the stuff myself.)

It is quite funny though! Ask him if he thinks you smell!

at least my dad used to panic buy jewellery - although after a number of years my mum was fed up with it!!

DH had a list so I bought off it and then added some extra surprises I knew he would like.

I had a list but it's mainly books (because that's what I like) and he didn't buy any of them

100% i would and have.
We use a App called family gift saves all the stress of present buying and if you add a number of gifts throughout the year, you're still guaranteed a good surprise!

I might suggest we try that next year.

Yes I would say but phrase it carefully if you’re sure it’s not meant unkindly. Perhaps he just couldn’t think of anything? Maybe it’s time to agree to not do presents (we always have a short break instead of presents to each other) or agree to ask each other what you each want, at least for ideas or an area, e.g. jewellery or clothing. For his birthday, my husband once asked for pyjama bottoms but I chose them, so he got something he wanted/needed but something chosen by me iyswim?

This needs a further conversation then. He can explain to you his thought process why he decided to ignore the list. Did he leave it too late to order books? Are they particularly niche hard to get books? To me a book list is a wonderful easy one to get right so he will need a good reason why he went for shower gel instead!

Ok then he was super lazy and left it until the last minute and couldn’t be bothered to go to more than one shop

id almost be tempted to ask him if he’s trying to signal that you shouldn’t bother buying each other gifts (but I bet he was pleased with his…)

I too have bee the recipient of L'occatine this year and for many previous. I get either a clarins basket from the local pharmacy, a L'occatine gift box or rituals.

I have stockpiles of all and actually, I use simple vegetable soap in the shower as my skin is sensitive. He knows this, or should know this.

I asked for a bracelet and only a bracelet, this year. Sent the exact link. He bought a similar, but not the same one, by the same jeweller, but through amazon. It is being returned and I have already ordered the one I wanted. Using the link I provided.

I also buy myself a few things I want. I have no expectation of my husband and don't get upset anymore. I do wonder if his uselessness is deliberate sometimes but I don't actually care - I look after myself and he holds zero power in terms of disappointment on Christmas morning.

He is not a bad man, just lazy and thoughtless and despite us being through the mill this year relationship wise, he managed to forget it was my birthday (although he remembered later in the day and had bought presents etc) and mess up my Christmas present. I have adjusted my expectations and just don't let that stuff get to me anymore.

I'm sorry you were disappointed - it really isn't nice to feel like an afterthought. You should tell him and let him know he needs to do better.

I prefer no presents. Hubby out did himself this Xmas. A beautifully wrapped box- mop and bucket.

After 40 + years and in front of whole family.

i think you’re being childish and ridiculous and you need to stop sulking being quiet.

I would be pleased with anything from L’Occitane, personally.

Next year why not either do no presents at all or a joint present to yourselves that takes away all the stress and angst.

Saying something night come off as a bit ungrateful, it's L'Occitane after all, not Tesco's own.

Did he see what was in the bathroom as an indication that's what you like and bought you more of it?

I don't see it as a terrible gift but it would have been nice to have something off your list as well.

The issue here is that you have him a list and it was a pretty easy list - he could have just gone on Amazon and taken 5 mins. So it’s the lack of effort. In what world would someone be pleased with 4 shower gels?

as for pp with the mop and bucket - I hope family took the piss out of him!!

Oh wow. How did you and they react?

One shower gel in a collection of different gifts I would have liked. Multiple shower gels each individually wrapped as if they are different gifts, and as the only gifts, just felt really odd

This isn't AIBU.
I am asking whether or not /how to bring it up with my husband

Well I would definitely tell him you were disappointed

and I would take yourself to a lovely bookshop and buy those books you wanted!!

I would say something. It can be done in a calm way and doesn’t have to escalate. I didn’t speak up for a number of years as I tend to buy myself things that I like anyway and I knew dh had a lot on but I honestly wish I had. You gave him a list and made sure that he felt special and you deserve the same care and attention.

The words , weaponsised incompetence spring to mind. It's lazy and thoughtless, you say he was busy. We are all busy, Christmas doubt just jump out at you. I would be very disappointed with the lack of no shits being given.

He sounds like a horrible man.