Online dating profile icks (lightheartedish)

[FleetwoodCam]

After divorcing about 5 years ago, I've met a couple of guys through OLD but neither worked out for different reasons. Also had a few perfectly pleasant dates that went no further (my choice).
Having been back on the apps for a couple of weeks, I'm finding more and more reasons to swipe left instantly. I know I might be ruling out great guys but seriously, why can they not put together a decent profile?
My current list of instant left swipes is as below -

ENM
Fish pictures (becoming less common)
Posing by someone elses expensive car
Mentioning they are good with their hands, mouth whatever.
The "I love my little princess and she comes first" brigade.
Comments like "drama free and want to stay that way" reads like they won't be supportive for issues you face.
Topless pics out of context (Beach maybe okay, bedroom mirror selfie NO!)
No punctuation
Aggressive don't match if you.... a,b,c d comments
First pic a large group of bro's (he's the ugly one, always)
Bios starting with "never know what to write here"
Lying about age with the obligatory "actually 52 but can't change it" comment.
If I see one more profile stating they are the kind of guy who will hold the door for you, but slap you're ass as you walk through, I might vomit.

Anyway really just letting out frustrations! Tell me your profile icks so I can take them on as my own and give up the whole business 😂

"University of Life"

suggests either a chip on their shoulder about not having been to university

or

the opinion that their choice of not going was better that everyone else who did.

I don't know, it just seems a bit passive aggressive. And I say that as someone who didn't go to university.

@iamnotalemon a coma ? I’m speechless.

@MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast aside from that it’s also just so boring, cliched, lame, tired, old and unoriginal isn’t it? Also ‘school of hard knocks’ 🙈

Made me laugh, I knew I'd find something hilarious on this post. Going to show this to my lovely husband and talk about our online dating days.

Yeah, quite random 🤣🤣🤣

About me
I am single never married no kids. I am unemployed and don’t drive.
I am hoping to find a non judgmental shallow lady

I will spare you the rest of his sorry bio. I tried OLD for a couple of months earlier this year and was literally agog at some of things I saw eg
Selfie of very fat men taken lying down so they look like they been inflated
Topless pics inside the house
One guy had a series of pics obviously taken at the same time wearing a grubby shapeless vest top shorts and sliders

I could go on

Never saw a coma or anyone in a coffin although many of them looked like they had been dug up

Sorry it’s all coming back to me…

Nicely chatting to a guy who then sends me , clothed at least, dick pic totally randomly however on the plus side I learnt about open once on What’s app 😂

I've never joined online dating and never will. But I'm tempted to just to see what samples come up for a laugh.

I was in Scarborough recently. He was working with limited resources.

Obviously this is tongue in cheek there were beautiful bits too.

Wait last post
Men staring down into the phone from a height thereby giving themselves 8 chins

There was a man I matched with a few years ago who told me his wife had early onset dementia and was in a care home so I would have to understand he always spent Sundays visiting her but she’s told him she wanted him to move on after her death.
I did say that surely that meant after she died not while she’s alive and he replied ‘yeah but she doesn’t really know anymore so I reckon she’s ok with it’

I mean come on! He can’t even wait till his poor terminally ill wife has passed before trying to find a replacement

One guy i was chatting to randomly sent me a picture of him in his pants, with almost knee high socks and dad slippers on. Nothing else. Beautifully framed in the patio doors of the house he shares with his mum (no judgement on that unless she was taking the picture!).
Instantly unmatched.

Men who post photos of themselves on a motorbike in full leather gear and a crash helmet. So you literally can't see one square centimetre of them.

Anyone referring to "you lovely ladies" 🤮

This is one of my favourites from a while ago.
There were worse messages from other people but I thought the sense of angry injustice from this guy was hilarious:
(All grammatical mistakes are original)

”Well ive messaged you on here and on match, I have a great company, v driven, v funny, 44 chest 34 waist, footballers legs, i am very kind and go to Uganda looking after orphans, I think your gorgeous but you wont chatt”

To be fair people with dementia can live for many years.

This thread makes me really want to join a dating site 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

Better yet, I just want to 'moderate' @TwistedWonder exchanges - seems like Comedy Central 😃.

You really do seem to have a special ‘shit magnet’ quality! I think if all men were like your matches, the human race might have died out by now 😆

The first message they send is....nice tits 🤬 .... instant swipe for me

Honestly my mates have all had the same level of shitty experiences - you’d love our group chat 😂😂

Thats the level of 50+ men out there and why we’ve all decided to stay single now.

Yep - I’ve had the sort of message on more than one occasion.

Ate we supposed to go ‘oooh thank you wanna see them’

@TwistedWonder 😂😂😂 your response made me laugh.... thank you!! Online dating is definitely a minefield 💣💣💥💣🤯 🫂❤️

And therein lies the problem - a few rotten apples and the whole barrel is damned forever!

"My children are my world" 🤮
"Just dipping my toes back into dating again" - this is fine but normally translates as "I've been on Tinder for years"
Any mention of a crazy ex.
Relentless "Good morning"s, without any decent chat to go with it. Same for "how was your day?"

I'm probably too grumpy for online dating