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Relationships

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Online dating profile icks (lightheartedish)

309 replies

FleetwoodCam · 06/08/2025 08:47

After divorcing about 5 years ago, I've met a couple of guys through OLD but neither worked out for different reasons. Also had a few perfectly pleasant dates that went no further (my choice).
Having been back on the apps for a couple of weeks, I'm finding more and more reasons to swipe left instantly. I know I might be ruling out great guys but seriously, why can they not put together a decent profile?
My current list of instant left swipes is as below -

ENM
Fish pictures (becoming less common)
Posing by someone elses expensive car
Mentioning they are good with their hands, mouth whatever.
The "I love my little princess and she comes first" brigade.
Comments like "drama free and want to stay that way" reads like they won't be supportive for issues you face.
Topless pics out of context (Beach maybe okay, bedroom mirror selfie NO!)
No punctuation
Aggressive don't match if you.... a,b,c d comments
First pic a large group of bro's (he's the ugly one, always)
Bios starting with "never know what to write here"
Lying about age with the obligatory "actually 52 but can't change it" comment.
If I see one more profile stating they are the kind of guy who will hold the door for you, but slap you're ass as you walk through, I might vomit.

Anyway really just letting out frustrations! Tell me your profile icks so I can take them on as my own and give up the whole business 😂

OP posts:
Thatsthebottomline · 25/08/2025 11:11

HelpMeUnpickThis · 25/08/2025 10:58

@Thatsthebottomline

It’s not about me being right.

I commented that the language that you used was crass. Because it was - and I was not alone in commenting on it.

I am not marking your icks. Why would
I?

I have never commented about migrants - ever - on this site.

Your comments to me seem like you are unhinged.

Edited

I had no idea thats MN was a paragon of virtue and that on here is filled with a majority of anglic nuns who never use and disparaging language in relation to the other sex.

Naturally i can only apologise for my short comings, your honour. Please put the cap away as my neck does not like rope.

MyDadWasAnArse · 25/08/2025 11:32

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 18/08/2025 20:45

Which is why the workplace is usually where I find my crushes.

Totally organic, crossing each others paths for days and weeks and months with a legit reason to talk and then it gradually dawns on you that this guy is hot....

...and unavailable. 😂

Yes my co-worker is hot, married and a father of two small boys more's the pity. He's my best mate at work though that'll do.

excelledyourself · 28/08/2025 18:04

Had one message me today, with words along the close lines of:

“Nice smile. Open to a casual but intimate relationship? Please note that age is only a number”.

He was 36, I’m 42. I don’t know how I was meant to take it.

Littleredgoat · 28/08/2025 18:10

excelledyourself · 28/08/2025 18:04

Had one message me today, with words along the close lines of:

“Nice smile. Open to a casual but intimate relationship? Please note that age is only a number”.

He was 36, I’m 42. I don’t know how I was meant to take it.

🚨 Take it as a warning and give this one a swerve.

Bittenonce · 28/08/2025 21:04

excelledyourself · 28/08/2025 18:04

Had one message me today, with words along the close lines of:

“Nice smile. Open to a casual but intimate relationship? Please note that age is only a number”.

He was 36, I’m 42. I don’t know how I was meant to take it.

Translate as ‘I’m just after a shag - I’m a bit younger than you, so you should be grateful, I’m doing you a favour’.

TwistedWonder · 28/08/2025 21:59

Bittenonce · 28/08/2025 21:04

Translate as ‘I’m just after a shag - I’m a bit younger than you, so you should be grateful, I’m doing you a favour’.

Nails it!

Age is only a number - that’s exactly what 79 year old Barry said to me when I politely turned him down, just before he called me a fucking ageist bitch and that he hoped I stay single forever.

Tbh Barry if you’re what’s on offer then single it is 😂

Nosdacariad · 28/08/2025 22:13

Bittenonce · 28/08/2025 21:04

Translate as ‘I’m just after a shag - I’m a bit younger than you, so you should be grateful, I’m doing you a favour’.

Yep

Nosdacariad · 28/08/2025 22:14

TwistedWonder · 28/08/2025 21:59

Nails it!

Age is only a number - that’s exactly what 79 year old Barry said to me when I politely turned him down, just before he called me a fucking ageist bitch and that he hoped I stay single forever.

Tbh Barry if you’re what’s on offer then single it is 😂

Edited

Barry is still inhabiting the 70s

Bittenonce · 28/08/2025 23:01

TwistedWonder · 28/08/2025 21:59

Nails it!

Age is only a number - that’s exactly what 79 year old Barry said to me when I politely turned him down, just before he called me a fucking ageist bitch and that he hoped I stay single forever.

Tbh Barry if you’re what’s on offer then single it is 😂

Edited

I wish there was a PMSL emoji - you really do seem to attract the best ones!

TwistedWonder · 28/08/2025 23:45

Bittenonce · 28/08/2025 23:01

I wish there was a PMSL emoji - you really do seem to attract the best ones!

Honestly you have no idea - I was a wrongun magnet on OLD. If there was a desperate loony tune on an app, they swiped for me 😂

I did get some decent matches in between the dross and met some nice guys just no attraction. But yes Idefinitely attracted some erm interesting characters

FleetwoodCam · 01/02/2026 07:37

New ick -
Occupation - don't be so nosy/yes I have one/ none of your business.

You don't have to have this info on your profile!

OP posts:
SparklyGlitterballs · 01/02/2026 08:34

SonofDeva · 18/08/2025 10:03

You know what you should do and a possible money spinner, on the side, is collate the cheesiest bios you can find, and either a book, or a blog. It would be quite interesting what the fall out would be!

There's a FB page I follow called "Dating profiles that make you cringe" (there are most likely others too). It's predominantly US content, but some UK stuff gets posted. The profiles listed are horrendous. Fat bikers with long wiry beards who want an 8+ woman. Some profiles are illegible due to lack of punctuation, bad SPAG, emojis and gangsta talk. Lots just talk about what they can do with their tongue or their (supposed) big dick. Here are two recent ones...

Online dating profile icks (lightheartedish)
Online dating profile icks (lightheartedish)
Nosdacariad · 01/02/2026 09:42

No proofreading. Dated joke. "I won't..." means "I definitely will" and photos with no teeth showing = doesn't own a full set.
Photos with offspring without their knowledge or consent (worse but not by much if under 18s).

Online dating profile icks (lightheartedish)
TwistedWonder · 01/02/2026 09:48

Wearing a Spurs shirt in the photo - instant swipe left 😂😂

SonofDeva · 01/02/2026 13:51

Nosdacariad · 01/02/2026 09:42

No proofreading. Dated joke. "I won't..." means "I definitely will" and photos with no teeth showing = doesn't own a full set.
Photos with offspring without their knowledge or consent (worse but not by much if under 18s).

In defending the indefensible. One, like me, he is a man. Two, he is recovering from illness, so proof reading doesn't apply. Three, he's a dad and like dads like me we are put on this earth to embarrass their children. Intentialy and non Intentialy.

Other than that, I can't believe people wtite such twaddle. Definitely a Spurs supporter.

Nosdacariad · 01/02/2026 13:56

SonofDeva · 01/02/2026 13:51

In defending the indefensible. One, like me, he is a man. Two, he is recovering from illness, so proof reading doesn't apply. Three, he's a dad and like dads like me we are put on this earth to embarrass their children. Intentialy and non Intentialy.

Other than that, I can't believe people wtite such twaddle. Definitely a Spurs supporter.

Recovered. And not a Spurs fan!

Disturbia81 · 01/02/2026 14:38

Oh god the fish photos! Bare chest, cars… they are so funny. Why do they think we would like that.

legolegoeverywhereandnotadroptodrink · 01/02/2026 15:26

I always used to hate group pics. How is one supposed to know which one he is?

Im looking for one man, not a pack!

RachelGreep87 · 01/02/2026 17:15

Horse people

Nosdacariad · 01/02/2026 17:28

RachelGreep87 · 01/02/2026 17:15

Horse people

Haha that's me 🐎

Ilovelurchers · 01/02/2026 17:38

What puzzles me is how literally every dating profile I ever looked through included at least one picture of the guy up a substantial looking (from what you can tell on the pic) mountain. In full mountaineering kit, as far as I can tell. (I am no expert)

Do all guys like mountains?

If there is asingle guy out the who doesn't, I would (if I find myself on the apps again) swipe right on him just for the novelty value.

I also used to find these pictures of loads of blokes a bit frustrating. You are there thinking, which one is mine?

Also when he has pictures with attractive women his age. Are they his exes? His friends or his sisters? Why are they there? So many questions.

And ones with dogs, but when you ask the dog isn't even his.

Also guys who post pictures with motorbikes that aren't theirs. I have a good reason for objecting to this. I am a keen pillion rider, so I would genuinely be influenced to swipe right on a guy with his own bike.

Yet it so rarely IS his own bike....

SonofDeva · 01/02/2026 17:46

Nosdacariad · 01/02/2026 13:56

Recovered. And not a Spurs fan!

I hope you aren't a Wrexham fan!!

Nosdacariad · 01/02/2026 18:28

SonofDeva · 01/02/2026 17:46

I hope you aren't a Wrexham fan!!

Afraid not any kind of footie fan 😁

SonofDeva · 02/02/2026 17:01

TwistedWonder · 28/08/2025 21:59

Nails it!

Age is only a number - that’s exactly what 79 year old Barry said to me when I politely turned him down, just before he called me a fucking ageist bitch and that he hoped I stay single forever.

Tbh Barry if you’re what’s on offer then single it is 😂

Edited

Charming. I think the likes of George Clooney can sleep easier tonight.

Hang on, he isn't D Trump, looking gor another potential bride?!?!

SonofDeva · 14/02/2026 00:18

SparklyGlitterballs · 01/02/2026 08:34

There's a FB page I follow called "Dating profiles that make you cringe" (there are most likely others too). It's predominantly US content, but some UK stuff gets posted. The profiles listed are horrendous. Fat bikers with long wiry beards who want an 8+ woman. Some profiles are illegible due to lack of punctuation, bad SPAG, emojis and gangsta talk. Lots just talk about what they can do with their tongue or their (supposed) big dick. Here are two recent ones...

Good God I've just turned 57 and there is no way on earth I have a my picture taken on a beach wearing socks!!!