Husband went to brothel says he’s innocent

[Hesatwat]

Husband has admitted he went to a brothel while on a lads holiday and that he didn’t realise it was a brothel and he just sat on the slot machines gambling. Said brothel doesn’t advertise slot machines but after scouring comments online say there are a couple in there. He is outrightly denying doing anything. He’s never cheated before. Says him and his mate just went to gamble. Says there were no women in that room. I want to believe he’s telling the truth but honestly how dumb can I be to stay with him now? Just to add he didn’t tell me I found out he had taken a taxi to the exact location of brothels with nothing else in the vicinity. Anyone else dealt with similar? What would you do? He is quite convincingly denying everything

But once he got there it was obvious? They were pushing/ selling services’ on him? They wouldn’t let him just sit there even in slots

I wonder what happens if you don’t accept the task of explaining this away? What happens if you just say, flatly: this is unacceptable?

I don’t know the size but this is all helpful in helping me unpick it and he will start to trip over his lies

Yeah don’t believe a a word of it

I asked him why he was in the red light district and he said he was in a casino then screen shotted the brothel opposite (that looks like a casino) and said he was in there. When I googled the name of the place it was more brothel like than the one across the road!

@Surprisedmystified Maybe I'm being a bit too generous. I'm not saying it's acceptable per se, I'm just saying it does happen that they go there and don't do stuff. For three hours though?
Yeah, that's a bit off...

It's not just about the brothel trip is it? You have been tracking his movements, so presumably you already had reason to suspect he had been up to no good.

If you take what he says at face value. He went from the recommendation of unknown men in a cab to a place he knew nothing about with a fair bit of cash in his pocket.

That doesn’t seem like a normal thing to do.

Does he hide his gambling? Ie is lying something he is happy doing?

Swearing on the kids lives is daft as if you think it’s nonsense you would just swear anyway. But lie detectors are available, yet unpopular in the U.K. They aren’t 100% accurate but they are better than nothing. If my spouse asked me to do one to prove I hadn’t raped a trafficked woman I’d do one as I have nothing to hide and it’s an appalling thing to be accused of.

So it sounds like he would have had a really hard time avoiding the women to find the slot machines and then spent 3 hours continuing to avoid the women, because surely you would get repeatedly propositioned just like you would be offered a drink.

The best case scenario that makes any sense to me is that he knowingly went with his mate and played the slot machines while his friend was with a prostitute as a favour to his mate. But that means he never intended to tell you about it and is lying to you now. Even if he is convincing in any aspects of the story, if he sought to conceal the truth to you and is lying to you about some of the story, then you can't believe a word he is saying. He's lost credibility. So you're in a real pickle trying to figure out whether he has done something that is a deal breaker if you can't figure out which parts are true and which are lies.

This is what he is relying on, what they all rely on. That and the fact that it will be easier for you to brush it under the carpet and let him get away with it. He only told you about the brothel because you found out, not because he is an honest person with respect for you and your relationship. You know why he went to a brothel and you know he is never going to tell you the truth.

Did he go to the Red Light District in Amsterdam?

Hard to believe he did not notice he was in a brothel after purposely travelling to that particular part of the city.

Then de decides to stay there for 3 hours?

Your partner is either a cheat or has a gambling addiction.

Nothing about this is 'innocent.

If my DP was away and somehow went to a casino that turned out to be a brothel he would leave straight away.

Not only because he wouldn’t have sex with someone, but because he knows how exploitative and disgusting the sex trade is for many (most) women.

So even in the best case scenario, your husband’s behaviour is unacceptable to many. I also doubt a brothel would be happy with someone sitting there for 3 hours barely spending money.

I think you should always trust your gut

Do you have kids? What reasons does he normally give you for going on lads’ holidays- to catch up with old mates he rarely sees, to be able to drink and watch sport on TV till the small hours, to do a hobby like cycling?

What I am getting at is that if he just bills these trips as “my right to escape the old ball and chain at home” type thing then you’re already in a fairly grim situation marriage-wise so maybe time to cut your losses. Good husbands don’t see their wives as problem who stop them having fun.

Yes he’s been gambling and I’ve found out about multiple new debts he’s been getting out behind my back. A whole other issue both are bad but it all came out when he went away and he hadn’t been giving me regular money. I checked his emails and went through everything. Rightly or wrongly. I don’t trust him with regard to anything else these days but cheating has always been something I’ve never thought he would engage in.

Surely going to the brothel in the first place is the deal breaker?

There's no way he was in a brothel without knowing he was in a brothel. You don't mix up the 2, it would have been as clear as day the minute he walked in.
If he was looking for a casino there were plenty close by that didn't need a taxi ride.
He's lying, badly.

So he was away with one mate, and then met a larger group of strange men. They all got in taxis to a brothel. He didn't know it was a brothel because he's dopey. At which point in that decision making process did he realise he was going to play on slot machines, while they all paid women for sex?

He "didn't realise it was a brothel" (the signs will have been there, he cannot be that dopey) but sat in a room with his one mate and spent £400 cash on slot machines instead of turning round and getting a cab out of there when he realised? He waited til they all appeared one by one and shook their hands with these brand new best friends, and they all headed back to their respective hotels for a wholesome night's sleep?

I'm not one to jump to conclusions but I'm not buying a word of this OP.

He's really not very good at this is he?

What to do about it has to be your choice, but at the very least you need an STI check and to suggest he doesn't treat you like a complete fool - which in its way is almost worse

He’s been gambling and I’ve found out about multiple new debts he’s been getting out behind my back

Edited to add I posted before seeing this - bit of a waster all round really, isn't he?

Was it a brothel, or a strip club? Would that change how you feel about it?

As in are you most worried about him having sex with someone, or ogling / potential exploitation?

Strip clubs are more likely on a lads holiday. An outright brothel is very single purpose as a venue. What would 400 euros buy at that venue (they would need to have bought some drinks that aren't cheap - but local prices apply).

I'm half expecting you to answer strip club, in which case I think your husband could well have had a drink, looked at the girls, maybe a lap dance, gambled a bit but not had sex.

After your latest update, I’m not sure it matters whether he knew it was a brothel/used a sex worker.

He’s got a gambling addiction and is running up debts behind your back. So the trip away, plus at least £400 spent on gambling or sex is not something he should be spending.

You've got much wider issues than how he spent those 3 hours.

You are caught between a rock and a hard place, is cheating really worse for you than having a known gambling issue and giving you a story where he is still continuing with it?

Yes we have kids. He’s an absolute shit in most other aspect to be honest this will be what gives me the kick up the arse I’ve needed for years. We have kids. I didn’t want to put them through it. Better the devil you know etc etc but I think I know what I have to do now.

So he is a liar. I would look at the facts rather than listen to what he is saying. The facts are that he gambles money he doesn't have and he visited a brothel.

What do you want? Would you breath easier if you didn't have to worry about what he was doing all the time anymore?

Seriously?

I have went to a city in Europe, not Amsterdam, and we didn't know half the time what we were walking into. There were normal looking bars but there was strippers everywhere and poles on stage but nothing outside to say it. There was 100% more going on than stripping in a few. So I could get it if he says he didn't know after being there but why stay 3 hours?? And he could have been upfront about it. Is it advertised as a brothel??