Secret Telegram account

[tigerem]

I would like to start by thanking anyone who takes the time to read and respond.

Is anyone familiar with the Telegram app? I have had it for a long time but hardly use it. I run my own business so all social media apps are a must, I have many clients from different countries who don't favor whatsapp for example.

I had a notification last week to say my boyfriend had joined Telegram. Let me tell you we have been together for 9 years and live together. He is the most anti social person I have ever met. He hates gatherings and celebrations and has given up on his friends. He say he just doesn't have the heads pace for other people's dramas. He likes to so what he likes, when he likes without restrictions of times, plans etc..

Back to Telegram, when I saw him pop up I thought oh that's strange, he hardly talks to anyone (as above) and says the the only people he needs in his life is me, his mother, brother and his child (not mine) anyway I didnt react or ask him but the next day he had removed the visibility of his phone number so only a username appeared and 2 shirtless profile photos. Again I was like hmmm. Then on Friday afternoon when he got home from work the account had been deleted from my view. Alarms start going off.. call it gut instinct.

Now I would never normally do this but at the weekend I checked his phone, completely clean not even the app installed. So I thought just leave it. Maybe he too also joined out of curiosity.

On Monday morning I got a notification to say his mother had joined Telegram. I didnt open the notification until the night time and on opening its was his mother's phone number with his username and same shirtless profile pics.

That same moment I confronted him. He told me he had installed it to spy on his contacts and nothing more and forget it. I am not a dumbo and not about to forget it so told him unless he willing to sit down and tell me the truth there is nothing more to be said. Telegram doesn't force you to put a profile picture so if it was for spying why do that.

This evening he has told me that Telegram has a feature where you can search for people to chat to nearby and that what he has been doing. I said so you have been talking to women specifically? He said men and women which I don't believe for a second.

He went on to say I work too much and don't give him enough attention and we don't do enough things together. Let me say that in the past 3 months we have been to Paris, we often go to the cinema, beach walks, hiking, often eat out at nice restaurants, visit family, spend time with his boy, sex is regular and he has said in my face it's not enough that he has too much free time on his hands and needs to keep entertained. He starts work at 7am and finishes at 2pm where as I can sometimes work 15 18 hours a day. My business is only in the 2nd year and I am committed to making it successful.

He's crying and says he feels sick at what he has been doing.

I'm not even mad as something similar happened many moons ago, I'm just disappointed and completely out of steam.

Any advice welcome. :(

Sorry you are going through this OP.
First of all I think you need to decide if you want this relationship anymore, he’s been very disrespectful to you.
Second, does he deserve your forgiveness. Is he sorry? You mention something about this happening many moons ago, was this with him?
For me personally, I would walk away. I think you deserve better, but I think ultimately only you can make the decision for yourself.

Thank you, yes it was with him in our early says the first 2 years. He had a secret Facebook account that I was first told he had set up to spy on his tenants as they were a group of young lads and he didn't trust them at his house later to fond out he was messaging a woman whilst I was in hospital having a ectopic pregnancy :(

I love him so very much, after all we have been through in 9 years I thought we were solid but seems like he has an ongoing problem.

He asks me to do activities with him, he is an adrenaline junky and sometimes I just can't because of work or client commitments but now it's turned on me and this is almost my fault. Like yesterday he wanted to go to the pool (we live in Spain) and I said no as I was flooded with emails and he said tonight that was like a kick in the balls to him.

He certainly looks and is acting sorry.

I have telegram (for a specific language support group). From looking around the app when I first got it, there is an awful lot of porn, prostitutes and drugselling on there. The local chat groups are absolute filth and I can’t imagine anyone nearby and available just wanting a chat. Sorry OP.

I have telegram for work. I work with countries that use it instead of WhatsApp. That being said, you could replace any app in your post but the response and discussion you have had is disrespectful and red flag central.

Yea I just took a further look into the "contacts nearby" feature and found a lot of groups that seem legit and when you click into them it's full of porn. I know he watches porn, I have always been cool about that but this feel like next level. Like @SmallTreeDeepRoots just said can't imagine messaging strangers for a "chat"

We have a great sex life or so I thought. Even my gut told me something the past couple of weeks that he has been over horny and constantly wanting it. We are an affectionate couple quite often sit snug on the sofa together. I don't get ir. Cheap frills?! He has also said if I love him I should support him through this.

Atelast he has been honest?

What a prince he is. The shirtless profile pics say everything you need to know. You just need to decide if you want to stay with a cruising cheat. Love is very often not enough.

I don't get it you say he's anti social yet can't do anything alone?

Doesn't like 'drama' but has shirtless profile pictures?

And if you aren't there being his personal performing obident seal then you, whilst not being there, make him, FORCE him into some badly explained, shirtless photo, communication app, because he needs attention?

And they say women are the weaker sex.

Do the men he ""talks" like his shirtless look?

I would lose all respect, trust and attraction to this kind of behaviour.

You could say "I don't believe you. Show me your messages now or I am going to think you are after some sleazy local hook up because erm dumb fuck why would I think anything else. If I am wrong then fine, but it's a chance I am prepared to take. Show me the messages now or I will become crazy and paranoid and I am not going to let you do this to me AGAIN"

If you are prepared to take this gamble that the relationship might be over at this point.

@omgsally yep I know its more than chatting from those profile pics and the alarm bells went off even more when I saw he had joined using his mums phone number. He told me this was because he had deleted his profile so many times he got blocked from signing in again so he was that desperate to get back on he used his mums numbe!? I'm embarrassed for him and I feel sad and sorry.

@frozendaisy He has already deleted his "new account" and as I understand when you delete telegram you also delete all the history.

He does quite a but alone but frequently tells me he likes the solitude. He will go camping in the mountains alone, hiking, biking and will always invite me but sometimes I just can't commit to being offline in the mountains. I recently tore my meniscus in my knee so also not been able to do much sport or walking.

My trust is on the floor right now and just feel sick. He is not physically cheating but looking for cheap frills. He has a cushty life with me, I am the bread winner, I pay 80% of the rent, recently paid for his son to go to disney with us. Often pay the bill at the restaurant.

I'm sorry OP, but your partner sounds like a man-child who has spat his dummy out! I say this because of what you quoted in one of your posts about what he said "He has also said if I love him I should support him through this".

So what exactly does he do to support you with your newish venture? What are you there for-an entertainment value?

He sounds incredibly selfish & I have never said this on MN, but I would strongly suggest that you LTB, as this seems like the tip of the iceberg of what you really know about him and his shenanigans.

I am sorry that you find yourself in this position.

@Spin66 thank you, I also finds his reactions and comments unfeasible and insulting. Like you said what's he doing to support me. I cook, clean, wash clothes and take care of us plus running the business.

Please may I ask what is LTB?

Ltb = Leave the bastard. As in for fuck's sake, just leave the bastard.
Why are you accepting such low standards and such high disrespect?

Sorry OP, it's an acronym on MN that means "leave the bastard".

I would obviously suggest that in your situation, you get him to leave!

if your not ready to do that yet (early days and all that) then at least withdraw the emotional and physical stuff that you are doing for him, as otherwise, how will you have enough mental energy to decide what to do if you keep your lives so entangled? Detachment gradually, may make you see clearer.

He is far from being your friend, let alone a partner.

LTB - leave the bastard

This is just the tip of the lying iceberg. If you forgive this after he did it before he will find new ways to do it, he knows you will forgive him. Imagine using your mum's number in this way, gross.

Thanks for explaining the LTB lol, love it. Sorry not used to the terms. I came here for some advice I think as don't want to talk to friends and family after last time.

I will withdraw for now, I don't have the headspace or energy to be throwing him out or having arguments. I slept an hour last night and have a full day of clients tomorrow. So need to have my happy face on.

This is a huge blow for me, I'm not going to accept it no. Maybe if it was the first instance yes but not this time. I just need time to process it all again.

I think that's a wise choice OP. Lots of people on here will say LTB NOW, but life is rarely like that.

You need to do what is best for you. Having said that I will caveat that advice by saying, don't let it slide, as in don't let be put on the back burner that never gets resolved/talked about, as inevitably, he will say "but that was ages ago, & I've changed".

He won't change, he'll just push boundaries, more and more, until you end up a shell of a person.

Good luck

@Spin66 and everyone who has taken the time to comment thank you from the bottom of my heart. I remember years ago my reaction was very bad, screaming, shouting, smashing things and I got anger management as I didn't know myself. He made me feel like I was going mad for months. Here we are again. I won't got into it but there has been other things over the years and we have split up around 4 times over his selfishness or non willingness to compromise.

I won't be putting this one on the shelf and it's highly likely this relationship will end soon, I can't condone this behaviour towards me. I have more self respect. Tonight I am worried but calm, no anger sometimes you just end up feeling empty.

I’ve been where you are @tigerem you end up so ground down, you get past the part of caring/anger, it just doesn’t matter anymore. If it’s anything like my ex, he will make lots of promises once you’ve had enough, try to guilt you into not throwing the nine years away. Unfortunately, they should try when in the relationship, not when it is over.
It’s hard when you are in it, but imagine you are one of your friends looking at it from the outside, you sound like such a catch and he seems like a low-life sponge, sucking all he can from you with no care or appreciation. You deserve better OP.

@Purpleboat thank you for sharing. It is difficult because for some reason I feel sorry for him and now feel guilty for working too much and not doing more with him. He did talk to me about this a few months ago and I had made a conscious effort not to work to late and not taking too many calls at weekends but it seems my small changes were still not enough:(

Another sleepless night and dreading today.

So while you were dealing with ectopic pregnancy he was attempting to cheat online. You forgave him and gave him a second chance, most wouldn't have, but now he is trying to cheat online again. You pay for 80 percent of everything which allows you both a good standard of living, because you work hard and long hours, but instead of supporting you he uses it as an excuse to try to cheat on you behind your back, even using his Mum's phone number to add to his shirtless photo. He sounds like scum you could well be rid of OP. You don't need this level of stress and disrespectful behaviour in your life. Bin him off and look for someone who will adore and support you not take every opportunity to try to cheat. If you have caught him twice, once early on and now recently, he's probably done it throughout your relationship. Because you forgave the first incident he now thinks he has a cheating licence. LTB

@caringcarer Yep, that 2nd chance didn't come easy and even I ended up in therapy. There has already been 3rd and 4th chances that were not related to "cheating" as such but situations where he was so stubborn on compromising on the situation I gave up. One of which was becoming an influencer and chatting to people all over the world (mostly other women influencers )on one of the social media apps. He always fails to see other people's point of view and finds it impossible to pur himself in other people's shoes.

My anxiety levels are through the roof today and my heart rapidly beating.

My head is fried, I honestly don't know what to do. I don't think I can stand being in the same house as him whilst I process this. Should I leave, should I make him leave? How do I even begin to process this. He tells me it's was just "chatting" but after looking into the "contacts nearby" feature and the type of groups that come up I highly doubt it and he has been extra horny the past couple of weeks.

My immediate reaction is that our relationship is over but my heart feels sorry for him and feel like taking the blame as I work to much and don't dedicate enough time to him.

Come on now. If he felt that your relationship was sliding, he could have talked to you or arranged things for you to do. Don't start blaming yourself. As for the chatting nonsense, if it walks like a duck..... Get yourself in hand. Clear head. Don't start begging him or doing the pick me dance. Your self esteem will thank you for that later, no matter what the outcome is.

Thanks @omgsally He did raise the issue a few months ago and I have made a conscious effort to turn off the laptop earlier and try not to take so many calls at weekends but I also made it clear I am running a business and summer is my most busiest time and maybe if he did some more things to help me then I would have more free time but nothing changed there and I have continued working. I took a week off last month and we took his child to Disney Paris and he wants to go away again next month but I just can't do it. I also have a sick father who sometimes I need to care for and take him to hospital appointments. It's all just too much.

The feelings I am going though at the moment minute by minute is ridiculous, anger, guilt, shame..

I got home from work and he asked if I wanted to talk, I said talk if you want I'm a bit numb. He start by asking me if he has done anything directly to hurt me, my answer was well yes this and he said I mean in our general day to day life, I said no I thought everything was fine with us. He said well let me deal with this, it hasn't "hurt" you. I said I have no idea who you have been chatting to or what about and you are not about to tell me either. I asked if it was a sexual thrill and he rolls his eyes and says ITS NOTHING.

Then he continues with the theme of we don't do enough things together, and is it really that bad for you that your partner is asking to do more things with you. I said I am at my limit, I do all that I can with and for you and I honestly am, I hardy ever have anytime for myself either, maybe one Sunday a month to have a face mask or do my feet.

It's just go go go with him, he has said it's like I am lazy and unwilling that all I want to do is work which is not the truth and all the things we done together in the past 3 months I reeled off and he said its not enough, he needs more action and adventure, more get up and go and he is saying I should view this as a good thing.

Then he bought up our sex life, I think we have regular sex, probably 2 or 3 times a week and when I have my period it's blow job week! Sorry that sounds terrible. Again he said its not enough .

I just said I am done talking to you leave me alone and he has stormed off with his bike.