Secret Telegram account

[tigerem]

I would like to start by thanking anyone who takes the time to read and respond.

Is anyone familiar with the Telegram app? I have had it for a long time but hardly use it. I run my own business so all social media apps are a must, I have many clients from different countries who don't favor whatsapp for example.

I had a notification last week to say my boyfriend had joined Telegram. Let me tell you we have been together for 9 years and live together. He is the most anti social person I have ever met. He hates gatherings and celebrations and has given up on his friends. He say he just doesn't have the heads pace for other people's dramas. He likes to so what he likes, when he likes without restrictions of times, plans etc..

Back to Telegram, when I saw him pop up I thought oh that's strange, he hardly talks to anyone (as above) and says the the only people he needs in his life is me, his mother, brother and his child (not mine) anyway I didnt react or ask him but the next day he had removed the visibility of his phone number so only a username appeared and 2 shirtless profile photos. Again I was like hmmm. Then on Friday afternoon when he got home from work the account had been deleted from my view. Alarms start going off.. call it gut instinct.

Now I would never normally do this but at the weekend I checked his phone, completely clean not even the app installed. So I thought just leave it. Maybe he too also joined out of curiosity.

On Monday morning I got a notification to say his mother had joined Telegram. I didnt open the notification until the night time and on opening its was his mother's phone number with his username and same shirtless profile pics.

That same moment I confronted him. He told me he had installed it to spy on his contacts and nothing more and forget it. I am not a dumbo and not about to forget it so told him unless he willing to sit down and tell me the truth there is nothing more to be said. Telegram doesn't force you to put a profile picture so if it was for spying why do that.

This evening he has told me that Telegram has a feature where you can search for people to chat to nearby and that what he has been doing. I said so you have been talking to women specifically? He said men and women which I don't believe for a second.

He went on to say I work too much and don't give him enough attention and we don't do enough things together. Let me say that in the past 3 months we have been to Paris, we often go to the cinema, beach walks, hiking, often eat out at nice restaurants, visit family, spend time with his boy, sex is regular and he has said in my face it's not enough that he has too much free time on his hands and needs to keep entertained. He starts work at 7am and finishes at 2pm where as I can sometimes work 15 18 hours a day. My business is only in the 2nd year and I am committed to making it successful.

He's crying and says he feels sick at what he has been doing.

I'm not even mad as something similar happened many moons ago, I'm just disappointed and completely out of steam.

Any advice welcome. :(

He really does think you exist only to serve him in any way he wants, doesn't he.

Just nope. You, re literally doing everything for him. He sounds like a sex pest.

Has he even apologised or just blaming you for his actions? I’m sometimes not busy at work but I don’t download apps to cheat on my husband so that’s not even an excuse op. Don’t stay with someone who has so little respect for you

His apology so far has been "so sorry for this" but then in the next breath he's saying what jas he actually done that's "hurt" me.

I think he may have a problem if I'm honest. Sometimes we pass a woman in the street and I feel like he's never seen a woman before, he will definitely glance and I just feel it, it gives me an uncomfortable feeling.

We do live quite independent lives but it's always been that way, we accepted that he doesn't like somethings I do and vica versa, I think that's quote normal. He goes and stays up at his mums (2 hour drive away) twice a month to spend time with his son, sometimes I go sometimes I don't and have the weekend to myself.

I dont know what more I am supposed to be doing for him. We have done lots of activities this past few months.

You are doing far, far too much for him. The more you do, the more he expects. Why are you acting as his servant with sex on demand thrown in?

He has no respect for you as person whatsoever.

I'm sorry but how can he not see that downloading a messaging app, putting a shirtless pic as your profile picture and then chatting to people is wrong?! How would he feel if you had an app with a nude profile picture and were "just chatting" to locals. It's weird...and it's a lie. There's no way he's just having chats about the weather on there with random people nearby. When I was single & on dating apps...so many sleezy men would try and get the convo moved to telegram or Snapchat - I always suspected they were the taken ones. Unmatched them straight away lol. I imagine there's been lots of sexting... otherwise why delete the account? To prove his innocence he could've showed you the conversations before deleting. It would make me wonder what he gets up to on these trips alone he goes on, but that's just me.

I dont know what more I am supposed to be doing for him

What is he doing for you, except giving you stress and lies?

Oh OP, it's all your fault. Of course it is. You're one of those wives who 'dont understand' poor old hubby, snivel. Trust your gut OP, he's lying, he's done it before unknown to you and will do it again. Men and their dangly bits; they 'cant help themselves' you know. Good luck with this one, wish you well.

I dont think I'm sorry is going to cut it this time, he is underplaying it and turning it back on me. I know that and I am not going to accept it. Now its oh your so unapproachable, I can't talk to you about anything drivel and the latest one we only do things together when I want not when he suggests it which is bullshit.

Last weekend we went to the beach, it was so windy and the wave were crashing, I am not too keen on water so I stood by the shore for a while whilst he went in, he's continously shouting come on come on, it took me about an hour to pluck up the courage and I'm glad I went in, it was fun. I felt proud of myself but he wasn't proud of me. To him i was just being "boring" not wanting to do it in the first place.

Honestly he can go fuck himself right now for all I care. 2 sleepless nights so I am hoping for a decent sleep tonight. He can go back to his mother box room with no window and talk to all the women he wants.

His latest is that if I choose to continue with the relationship I can have full control of him. No lock on his phone etc... He's a dick as I knew his pin anyway.

Who wants to live like that!

Does not matter if you were the shittest girlfriend ever , no excuse for cheating behind your back. Not happy with you ? On yer bike. Seems he has an awful lot of time on his hands because you are the one doing all the WORK . He is a proven liar , cheat , jealous of your work ethic and sounds like a whiny brat .
I know it is hard when you are 9 years in and can't imagine him not being there. But you are young , hard working woman and deserve some one worthy of you that will treat you with the respect you deserve.
Please , don't sound one more day necessary with this loser, he will never change .

This!! 💯

I read until you said you’re the breadwinner and support the household with 80% of your warnings while being a business owner who is trying to establish themselves. Your partner is a fucking loser!! You would be so much better off without him.

What does he actually bring to your life? Are you afraid of being alone? This man is doing stuff behind your back!! You just saw it by chance that he joined telegram but those “solitude days” in the mountains where he clearly didn’t want to be alone but asked you to join him (!!) well, I wouldn’t be surprised if he took someone else when you couldn’t make it. No phone signal, how handy! Win win.

i’n sorry but I think what happened 9 years ago never went away - you just haven’t seen it. He has a problem: he is a disrespectful cunt towards you!!

Picture yourself in 2 years
5 years

Do you want what you have now?

Seriously, get rid. You have a whole wonderful life ahead of you, without this millstone

Your relationship should be a team. Both contributing the same to the relationship ( I don’t mean financially necessarily, although the divide in yours 80/20 seems steep considering he’s not a ‘house husband’ or primary caregiver for children.
I mean he should be supporting you, building you up, showing an interest in your passions, making you feel better to be with him than without and supporting you to be the best version of yourself. It sounds like you are doing this for him OP, what is he doing for you.

Here we go his latest attempt to sort it out, The blame is fully on me...

You have no idea what you are saying, you are just speculating and imagining. You can try to understand the situation and why, or you can continue to be on your own planet and then our relationship will be very unsatisfactory for me since we have NOT been doing things together as it should be. You always have the last word and you decide when it is YES. I just want to live life with you and enjoy it with you, and it's not being like that, everyone on their planet. And I'm not going to say I'm sorry one more time because this is a consequence of what you don't want to know or don't want to understand. And if you are going to continue in that same attitude, better not answer them and do not continue insulting me.

OP is not listening. She is just venting and will no doubt carry on as usual with this selfish twat of a man.

@tigerem that may be the case- but it still doesn't get round the fact he has been indulging secretively in unsavoury and disloyal behaviour rather than talk to you about it to see if any changes could be made. An absolute coward who is now trying to deflect from his shitty behaviour

He sounds very immature OP.

Have you actually seen any of these Telegram messages that he’s sent to understand the tone and topic areas?

I can understand belonging to groups where you share an interest, for example some of my hobby groups have forums in Discord, all above board. What would concern me is that his user photo is of him shirtless. Hardly screams looking for like minded people to discuss French cuisine, modern art and politics.

Thank you everyone. I am listening, I promise I just need somewhere to vent it all really as its all in my head write now. I find reading over the thread over and over helps me in low moments.

@WatieKatie no he deleted the app on Friday afternoon, was home for the weekend and then reinstalled it when he got to work Monday morning with his mother's number as his number had been blocked. When I confronted him the app was not on his phone so he must delete it before he leaves work. As far as I know when you delete the app you delete the history too.

I have asked him several times who and what he was chatting to and about and he avoids the subject. He says all I need to know is he's done nothing to hurt me, he's good to me in day to day life and he will now give me access to all his devices and let's move forward. He is continuing with the line of this is the consequence of us not doing enough together which is absolute bull. We do many things together and rarely have me time. If I'm not working, I'm doing something with him. It just doesn't make sense, I said I'm obviously not good enough for you and he said I am wrong that I am good enough for him he just wants to do more things together.

Head fried.

@tigerem what rubbish he is spouting- he clearly just wants the buzz of variety- it may be he's not after sex or relationships but wants the buzz of flattery and flirting- some women are like this too. They often do love their partners - just want 'extra' attention from elsewhere to give life a bit more buzz. It's sad I know but very common

@Crikeyalmighty he spoke to me a few months ago about me working too much. I took on an admin person part time and have made a conscious effort not to work too late every day of the week and most weekends I try not to work unless I have to prepare things for a Monday client.

I have reeled off all the things we have done together in the past 3 months and they are not small things 2 holidays for example. 2 weeks ago he took his boy to Benidorm for 2 days mid week. I couldn't go my father had hospital appointments and I can't just drop everything 3 days before booking it. We do many things together and I can't do anymore which I have told him and he said he accepts it and will deal with it but in the next breath after I reel off everything we have done together he says ITS NOT ENOUGH also sex, twice or three times a week is now not enough.

I must sound like a stupid little wilted daisy :(

From what you say about his historical behaviour and now this telegram business, personally I’d be drawing a line under this relationship. He doesn’t sound at all trustworthy and I’m sure if you had seen the Telegram messages they would have been flirtatious at best. Why else use a shirtless profile picture?!

I feel for you OP. This just be hell. Can you get away for a few days to have some space?

@Crikeyalmighty yea I get it. He's been seeking flattery elsewhere. I can't condone it though as he gets it from me but it's obviously not enough. He is a sporty guy and not into socialising so we rarely get dressed up and go out and he has no friends now, not that he sees anyway. He flatters me as much as I do him and we are a very loving couple. I like to get dressed up and go out for dinners sometimes but he never comes as its not his thing or he is busy doing his hobbies, it's like me going online because he won't do those things with me and looking for someone who will.

@tigerem he's talking rubbish and I think you know it too. No healthy relationship involves all your spare time having to 'do stuff' with your partner- clearly this bloke wants a co dependent partner for whatever reason hanging on his every movement. None of this though gets around the fact he was up to no good behind your back- he is just trying desparately to make you think he had 'good cause' - he really didn't. also shirtless pics? Is he incredibly fit and gym trained or could he be gay?

For god's sake op every time you post he gets worse and worse. He's a vile little toad! Get some self respect and leave him, this isn't a relationship it's a joke!