Secret Telegram account

[tigerem]

I would like to start by thanking anyone who takes the time to read and respond.

Is anyone familiar with the Telegram app? I have had it for a long time but hardly use it. I run my own business so all social media apps are a must, I have many clients from different countries who don't favor whatsapp for example.

I had a notification last week to say my boyfriend had joined Telegram. Let me tell you we have been together for 9 years and live together. He is the most anti social person I have ever met. He hates gatherings and celebrations and has given up on his friends. He say he just doesn't have the heads pace for other people's dramas. He likes to so what he likes, when he likes without restrictions of times, plans etc..

Back to Telegram, when I saw him pop up I thought oh that's strange, he hardly talks to anyone (as above) and says the the only people he needs in his life is me, his mother, brother and his child (not mine) anyway I didnt react or ask him but the next day he had removed the visibility of his phone number so only a username appeared and 2 shirtless profile photos. Again I was like hmmm. Then on Friday afternoon when he got home from work the account had been deleted from my view. Alarms start going off.. call it gut instinct.

Now I would never normally do this but at the weekend I checked his phone, completely clean not even the app installed. So I thought just leave it. Maybe he too also joined out of curiosity.

On Monday morning I got a notification to say his mother had joined Telegram. I didnt open the notification until the night time and on opening its was his mother's phone number with his username and same shirtless profile pics.

That same moment I confronted him. He told me he had installed it to spy on his contacts and nothing more and forget it. I am not a dumbo and not about to forget it so told him unless he willing to sit down and tell me the truth there is nothing more to be said. Telegram doesn't force you to put a profile picture so if it was for spying why do that.

This evening he has told me that Telegram has a feature where you can search for people to chat to nearby and that what he has been doing. I said so you have been talking to women specifically? He said men and women which I don't believe for a second.

He went on to say I work too much and don't give him enough attention and we don't do enough things together. Let me say that in the past 3 months we have been to Paris, we often go to the cinema, beach walks, hiking, often eat out at nice restaurants, visit family, spend time with his boy, sex is regular and he has said in my face it's not enough that he has too much free time on his hands and needs to keep entertained. He starts work at 7am and finishes at 2pm where as I can sometimes work 15 18 hours a day. My business is only in the 2nd year and I am committed to making it successful.

He's crying and says he feels sick at what he has been doing.

I'm not even mad as something similar happened many moons ago, I'm just disappointed and completely out of steam.

Any advice welcome. :(

@JibbaJab sorry to hear that. Abuse takes place in all forms as it does from women to men not just men to women so I am glad you have also reached out.

How are you feeling now, I bet you can see clearer being out of it and able to make more sense?

He's never had compassion, not in the 9 years I've known him, there's been multiple spats between us over quite trivial things but he has very harsh and clear opinions where sometimes just bring gentle was required and he calls himself a realist and that I can not handle the truth. My father is very sick with COPD and when I first met my boyfriend my father was in hospital and I was very upset. He said that I shouldn't be upset, that my father was the one who chose to smoke and that's why he's in hospital its his own doing. I should of run away right then but instead I argued my case until I was blue in the face and it got swept under the rug.

@tigerem Better than I was, thank you. Quite honestly the hardest thing I've been through. Not out of it yet, that bond is weak now but I miss the children. Harder because I am self employed I worked from home around them I was a stay at home dad, raised them from new borns. In limbo can't move on.

Yes mine was like that no compassion, very blunt and 'realistic' but to the point of no empathy at all. What was shown I now see as surface level wasn't deep. Just could not understand own behavior how it hurt everyone else but on you like a ton of bricks, everything your fault.

Wasn't even anything wrong life wise just never content always chasing something impossible to reach, wanted it now.

Is yours the same you're trying to run your business but obstacle's are put in your way, doing everything but also dealing with nonsense rather than actually working?

Anyway, what I have come to learn is some people will not change or see it any other way. God I tried over a decade was futile. If you've already tried to the point you're banging head against a wall it will never happen, as hard as it is to think about but yourself comes first.

He has a bottomless hole in him that neither you nor anyone will ever fill.

Its not you it’s him. He is needy. He needs praise and attention and it’s all ‘mememe’. But if you fanned him all day and fed him grapes and gave him bjs. It wouldn’t be enough, the fan wouldn’t be big enough, the grapes not sweet enough and he’s tire of the bjs.

You give him 80% of what he needs. He wants the other 20% and he thinks he DESERVES to have it. He doesn’t have the ability or the desire to realise it is HIM who has the problem.

So you will never fill the hole inside him. Move on and use it as an educational experience.

@JibbaJab Thanks for sharing, I can't put myself in your position as I don't have children but I can imagine that is incredibly hard and no mother should deny their kids a relationship with their father, if the kids and father want that. So sorry!

This is what I don't get either, life seemed fine to me. I am adult enough to recognise when somethings got to change and if I wasn't doing enough for/with him.

I also work from home so he comes in the door at 2pm after his 3 course menu provided for him by work and expects me to start talking to him, making weekend plans etc.. Many days I have stopped working at 3pm for example gone out with him and then had to go on the computer from 9pm when he's gone to bed to get my work done but he doesn't see any of does he! For all he cares I may as well get a 9-5 minimum wage job and not be building up a business. There is so much he could do to support me and he's just blind. I have even given him ways of earning extra money though the company so he doesn't end up feeling like my servant if I ask him to clean up, take the dogs out and cook whilst I'm closing deals.

He’s not blind - he just chooses not to see as it doesn’t serve him to see. Sorry op but you deserve better. And his attitude is showing you who he is. He won’t even be honest with what he has been doing.

@Monkeylimas You hit the nail on the head with that. Bottomless hole is correct. He needs action, thrills, plans and adventure continously, mundane life with me is not for him.

He has admitted he has a problem but only said he will punish himself and he will deal with it and I need no more be worried and in my final breath with him I mutter, until next time.

It's more of a joke that he thinks giving me access to all his devices is something that would please me, like I've got time or energy to be fucking checking his phone.

@Monkeylimas yes this has been my feeling for a long while, he only does things that serve him, I have many many examples of this.

The two shirtless photos are dodgy and means he's cheating....

@tigerem @Monkeylimas

I mean if like mine it is very much a case of a bottomless pit, and also totally void inside and compensating. Doesn't matter how much you throw in that pit, take and take and take until you are a husk. When you aren't throwing into that pit, they go hunting for other things to throw in there.

Yeah that sounds very familiar business wise. Don't you worry I've just spent the entire day doing everything from sourcing clients, negotiations, landing clients, doing the actual work and invoicing like a juggling act. I'm not mentally drained, I'll drop everything for you right now, even though I'm not finished and need to carry on later, after your long hard day of basically doing sod all.

I made mistake of putting them on the company at the start...gotta dissolve now and start over otherwise gets my income.

He admits he has a problem but it doesn’t serve him to fix it.

Saying he will Punish himself is all mememe. It’s about him. ‘Woe is me’. Poor old me. Not doing x is punishment for him.

Next time he talks see how much is about him. It’s about how you don’t make him happy. You don’t do enough for him. Time. Money. Entertainment. Sex. Mememe.

He has no patience or desire to understand YOU have needs, feelings, desires to. It’s about his need. You are exhausted, where’s the three course meal he cooks you. Or walks the dog or cleans the house. Listen and observe. You need the scales to fall from your eyes and when they do you can’t Unsee the selfishness. Then you’ll dump him.

@JibbaJab He has everything and I mean everything he needs to occupy himself, from a brand new camera as he took an interest in photography, an ebike, gaming laptop, climbing equipment, decent car, a son, a really nice home and I know its material things that's why I am feeling bad as he is crying out for more time with me but I feel like I give enough time buy its not enough for him.

Yes my business sounds very much like yours. I am spinning plates daily and if one falls they all do.

Well I hope for both of us we come out on top because we deserve it at least.

Here's a joke for you, the mother of his child is a lesbian. He left her not long after she'd had the baby as at 24 he felt to young to be married with a child and a mortgage and he needed adventure. He stands firm that she wouldn't of found a man as good as him so that's why she turned to women. I say more like he turned her off men for life!

@Monkeylimas I can't thank you enough and everyone on this thread, helping me to see this clearly. I asked him what he meant by punish himself and he couldn't answer me, the only thing he can offer is full access to all his devices and its not enough, I have gone past caring.

Like you said he's blind to my needs, absolutely.

How does he afford all this expensive equipment?

Maybe he is like a child who appreciates nothing because he has everything. How hard did he work for it? If you scrimp and save for a camera it brings you joy and you don’t get bored so easy.

I haven’t rtft but he’s done this before
now he’s done it again
he’s lied to you, won’t give you the full story, minimised it and blamed you.
I don’t see how you can continue from there. There’s clearly no understanding, remorse or respect.

I wish you well op. You sound fun and loyal and dedicated and hard working. I bet you would slip away from your desk if he tempted you In the right way with a home cooked meal and walk along the beach (for example).

If you think you spent too much time working, learn from it and take that to a new future relationship. Then the time with this man had purpose and value. What can YOU learn from this experience. Maybe that’s a future thread for you? I think it’s a positive way to see a breakup. You may want to change and become a better partner - just not for this chap!

@Monkeylimas I have chipped into some of it but he manages his money well, I expect because I fund 80% of the rent, he gets free fuel and doesn't go out drinking and dining.

I think this "lad" needs a wake up call and this time it will be him that suffers not me. I felt very alone last time gloating on the fact he was moving back to his loving family and here I am alone in Spain. Well I'd rather be alone now than deal with this every few years.

@Pufflebow I can't, it's clear.

Yeah but there's give and take isn't there, you can't expect someone to be entertaining you constantly or as and when you demand, other things need doing and they also need their own space. Never worked the other way around either.

For me it I was the only one working and it's hard finding clients out of thin air and when you do get them, you need to secure them for the long term. Always had periods of no work at all it could be months at certain times of year so would plan for that financially to tide over and in those months had more time to do things together or as a family.

Nope wanted it all the time every day in the week, spend hours doing something, days out in the week and weekends, sometimes not even going out just had to be doing something even watch TV, if working I didn't care about them. Like, yeah fine I would love to rather than work but in order to pay for those, the house, food the children, I need to work. If I don't work we don't get paid, we go bankrupt and starve, and we can't go anywhere anyway, why don't you understand?!

Ha, that did make me laugh. Couldn't imagine that myself, not wanting to because need adventure what about the child you just made. Yeah or maybe it was a white lie to end it, may be she's not at all.

@tigerem @JibbaJab i think we have stuff in common it’s a shame we can’t meet for coffee 😂

I wish you both well and a happy future.

@Monkeylimas Thank you, yes it is a shame we can't, I think it would be a very long coffee lol. If your ever in southern Spain, look me up. I would happily meet.

This thread has been so useful to me in the past days, I don't think I could of coped without it so I really do thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your honesty, support and listening to me. Xx

He's crying and says he feels sick at what he has been doing.

Oh I bet he does 😂OP you are clearly giving more than what’s being returned, already he feels you’re not f**king him enough, dump that chump, you’re way too good for this pathetic little rat (and he knows it).

Also that was based just on your first post OP, I’m reading more and oh lordy, where did you find this creature?

@NoWayNarc lol it is a long thread! The more I read it back the more I also wonder where I found him. Online is the answer. Well they do say you loose them where you meet them and that has happened!!

I met mine online too and got love bombed into the depths of the abyss lol.

@JibbaJab no more online dating for us! I'll stay single with the fantasy of meeting "the one" in the supermarket aisle lol.

@tigerem I had to go back to your first post to double check you aren't my friend in southern Spain-who has a rather on and off relationship- but unless you've changed a few details then you aren't as she's only been with a Spanish guyv3 to 4 years !!