Secret Telegram account

[tigerem]

I would like to start by thanking anyone who takes the time to read and respond.

Is anyone familiar with the Telegram app? I have had it for a long time but hardly use it. I run my own business so all social media apps are a must, I have many clients from different countries who don't favor whatsapp for example.

I had a notification last week to say my boyfriend had joined Telegram. Let me tell you we have been together for 9 years and live together. He is the most anti social person I have ever met. He hates gatherings and celebrations and has given up on his friends. He say he just doesn't have the heads pace for other people's dramas. He likes to so what he likes, when he likes without restrictions of times, plans etc..

Back to Telegram, when I saw him pop up I thought oh that's strange, he hardly talks to anyone (as above) and says the the only people he needs in his life is me, his mother, brother and his child (not mine) anyway I didnt react or ask him but the next day he had removed the visibility of his phone number so only a username appeared and 2 shirtless profile photos. Again I was like hmmm. Then on Friday afternoon when he got home from work the account had been deleted from my view. Alarms start going off.. call it gut instinct.

Now I would never normally do this but at the weekend I checked his phone, completely clean not even the app installed. So I thought just leave it. Maybe he too also joined out of curiosity.

On Monday morning I got a notification to say his mother had joined Telegram. I didnt open the notification until the night time and on opening its was his mother's phone number with his username and same shirtless profile pics.

That same moment I confronted him. He told me he had installed it to spy on his contacts and nothing more and forget it. I am not a dumbo and not about to forget it so told him unless he willing to sit down and tell me the truth there is nothing more to be said. Telegram doesn't force you to put a profile picture so if it was for spying why do that.

This evening he has told me that Telegram has a feature where you can search for people to chat to nearby and that what he has been doing. I said so you have been talking to women specifically? He said men and women which I don't believe for a second.

He went on to say I work too much and don't give him enough attention and we don't do enough things together. Let me say that in the past 3 months we have been to Paris, we often go to the cinema, beach walks, hiking, often eat out at nice restaurants, visit family, spend time with his boy, sex is regular and he has said in my face it's not enough that he has too much free time on his hands and needs to keep entertained. He starts work at 7am and finishes at 2pm where as I can sometimes work 15 18 hours a day. My business is only in the 2nd year and I am committed to making it successful.

He's crying and says he feels sick at what he has been doing.

I'm not even mad as something similar happened many moons ago, I'm just disappointed and completely out of steam.

Any advice welcome. :(

@WatieKatie Thank you, it makes it worst that he is trying to make this my fault. I know in my guy he has been using it to get cheap frills, that also explains him being extra horny also which makes me feel sick.

I am back to the UK next week to see my family for a few days so will get a break. I told him to go and stay at his mother's this weekend but he hasn't he's home from work now and has said he hasn't gone to his mother's I would think he was up to no good again so he is proving it by staying home this weekend.

To be honest i couldn't give a flying fuck where he is right now.

@tigerem I think the lack of friends thing is a big part of this- many men who don't have local friends seem to need you to be 'everything' and all the time. I'm married to one too- he does have lots of friends but none are local. It seems in some ways more normal I think for them to try and befriend women (even if it's just flattery and flirting) than find blokes to be friends with - if you genuinely have lots of time with him and it's not enough I think sadly this will happen over and over - although he will hide it better now.

@Crikeyalmighty he's a fit guy, toned and tanned (spanish). He had lots of friends at one point all to do with his sporting activities but year by year his circle got smaller because he was sick of their nonsense and he always had to arrange the meet up. Also if anyone was late or took too long putting the climbing equipment together or someone had a drama and who wants to sit round drinking beer and talking shit for an hour after the activity finishes (not him!)

I think we spend enough time together yes, we live together and dinner together every evening and when I can be free we hike, bike, practice golf, go to the cinema, beach, lakes, rivers etc some weekends we do our own thing which I thought was fine. He didn't want to come to the UK with me next week as its a family visit and he wants to do activities not sit round chatting and drinking tea which I have been fine about.

He's gaslighting you by saying what he does hasn't hurt you, he's invalidating your feelings and blaming you for something he has chosen to do.

If he has done this before, he has done it again and he will do it again in future. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him, waiting to find out next time he does it?

It's also a massive red flag that he can't be bothered to keep up relationships with anyone else- he also can't keep up yours, he'd rather have attention from other people.

You deserve better than this, you do not have to put up with this.

@tigerem I think this is more complex from what you say than 'sod off' - it probably involves changing your whole life and that's something only you can decide on but I think some space may be good for your head. You will certainly have given him a fright- and it's not you by the way- it's him and his inadequacies

Thank you again, we had issues last year when he decided to use his free time to become an influencer and spent most of his evenings upstairs in the office openly chatting to strangers on video for the world to watch (tiktok battles) most of these battles were with women and most provocatively dressed. I listened in on a few, all pretty harmless conversations but I was then left every evening to make dinner we would eat dinner and off he'd go again, leaving me alone. I put up with it for about 3 weeks before I said no more. The following 6 weeks were hell and he kicked and screamed that no one would ever tell him what he can and can't do and if I'm insecure that was my problem. After 6 weeks he moved out, before he did he told me he would stop if that's what it was going to take to save the relationship but I was too far gone and watched him walk out the door. 6 months later we reconciled with a set plan of acceptable and unacceptable things but yet again here we are again.

I think he has a problem, I just don't know what. It's like he always needs something exciting on gis agenda, the next thrill, a new plan and now yep he's gaslighting me.

@Crikeyalmighty he's had many frights and everytime comes back full of promises and apologies.

I am very stubborn, I know that but I literally can't make anymore adjustments to my life that I already have. My work is full on, I'm 40 and whilst the going is good I maybe able to retire comfortably by 50. I dedicate my all to my clients and that's why the business is successful.

@tigerem you go girl! Don't put up with a very very flakey attention seeking immature bloke- no matter if he is 'fit' and Spanish.

Oh OP I think I remember your previous thread about his influencer stuff 😞

Please don't waste another second of your time and energy on this absolutely drain of a man.

You have one, precious life. Stop giving it to someone who offers so little, takes so much and is frankly a fucking ungrateful arsehole.

Time to close the door on him now. Permanently. You do not exist to make a man's life easier / more comfortable.

Thanks @Crikeyalmighty and everyone else. I really appreciate your input, it's helped me a lot. I will stay silent until I go to the UK and make use of the break away.

Thanks again, sending love.

@monsteramunch yes I posted on here about that too last year. With the help of you guys I let him go but stupidly wallowed in my own self doubt and guilt and accepted him back after he had put some work in of course. Here we are again but this is worse and it will continue. If not in the near future maybe in some years, who knows I might loose a leg and not be able to walk, is this the man who's gonna help me though. Doubtfull!

Oh my, I remember the thread about "battles" as well. Seriously, dont waste any more time with this guy, or else you’ll be back on here in a year with another story. Get rid!!

Does this man realise that the price of his nice lifestyle is you working so very hard?

Now he's on danger of losing it so he's putting the blame and guilt on you because he's a man child who can't take any responsibility,

You say he's a father, does he do any parenting aside from Disney dadding?

@RosieCockle It's me again. funny not funny and trying to keep a light heart this time. I have run out of fucks to give. No anger, no tears just sitting up here in my room like Brandy.

I know you are right, I hope can manage to make the right decision and I won't be back here in 1 year.

Worst of all he's pretty much saying I should be thankful that he wants to do more and everything with me. It's just a bullshit excuse.

@ClaraBourne yes he does have a very nice lifestyle with me. I give away much more than I should as I take into consideration he's on a basic wage and has his boy to pay for but still not enough it seems. He see his boy twice a month due to distance, he's generally a good Dad I think but again with his son (14) it's all about "activities" and if your not knackered on a Sunday evening the weekend was basically shit.

Op I say this not lightly but you really need to get rid of him ASAP.

He's taking the absolute piss. You can't trust him and will never trust him again.

End it on your terms while u can otherwise the trauma/anxiety can make you end up clinging to him and he'll end up leaving you which is much worse.

He has completely disengaged emotionally from you to be doing this...

For anxiety you can get propranolol and there are some antihistamines that will give you some decent sleep.

If you go on like this you'll get ill. Tell some friends in real life and get the fucker gone.

I hope you aren't married.

You're only 40, still young. Your business sounds amazing too. You absolutely don't need this cheeky twat dragging you down.

@Morewineplease10 agreed, I already feel on the verge of "ill" lacking sleep for 3 nights, full on days with clients and not eating much apart from fruit. In Spain you can buy antidepressants also used for anxiety over the counter, I think I still have some in the cupboard from when I was put on them during my therapy for my anger caused by his lack of compassion. I'll dig them out.

I suppose I haven't chosen to tell real life friends as they have heard it before and I am scared because in the back of my mind this is all a dream and he will come good and if they know this they will loose respect for me. Its like if I tell them the decision is already made to end it with him as you rightly say it should be.

I am not scared to be alone, I like my own company and when we split up last time although I wallowed in self pity I enjoyed the freedom. No men, just me and my puppies but the thought of him leaving again does fill me with dread. Even the thought of meeting someone new in the future gives me the ick, all that new bonding, getting to know you stuff.

I just don't know, well I bloody do know but... sighhhh

Where's your self respect OP? You're bending over backwards trying to convince yourself this manipulating loser will change.

Just came across this and my God he sounds infuriatingly selfish.

From the way you describe him, he's coming off a bit like my wife, although mine was a lot worse and abusive but it was the same in how it was in general.

You are not to blame, your opinions and feelings are valid, he just doesn't want to see, own up to it or change. He wants to do whatever he wants for himself and the only reason he makes false promises is because it's going to be detrimental to his image and current lifestyle. They don't change they get worse.

I'm out but like you I'm looking ahead and thinking oh, meeting new people starting over again all that from scratch...but then what if it's normal and healthy relationship. Can you imagine that, it would be worth it then.

Keep your head up and stay strong. Also good luck on your business, I have my own too and it's harder than most think!

@ScottishIceCream appears like I don't have much self respect doesn't it. I like to believe people can change but in this case it's one to many chances and excuse after excuse. I just don't want to believe it.

@JibbaJab Thank you very much for your insight, sorry you have also been through something similar. I am thankful my relationship is not abusive as such. He is a gentle giant at heart, very loving towards me, never gets angry and lives a calm and peaceful life but he does have this problem. Its a shame, I will miss him in general but its time to get out.

Did you end things may I ask?

He sounds pitiful, whining that you don't do enough together.

So you medicated yourself so as not to be legitimately angry?

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain I have wracked my brain and made a list of things we have done together this past 3 months, it's long and extensive. I may turn him down once in a while to go camping or down to the pool or ask him to walk the dogs if I have a heavy work load. Not enough he tells me and this is the guy who swears by his alone time and not living in each others pockets. Its all bull to cover up what's gone on.

@tigerem Glad you are okay otherwise in the relationship but still don't get into a position where it's heavily one sided and you're not seen or run down. By similar I mean it's coming across his image is more important perhaps and underneath maybe not so quiet life which would explain the thrill seeking, telegram and the broadcasting. That's the opposite of that kind of character to me.

I didn't, no. I was knee deep and lost in it to the point of sickness it was bad. Didn't really understand abuse and being a guy, you know. Then I got discarded and forced out, taken everything and the children not had contact in months now.

Everything was a lie the whole time basically they weren't who they made themselves out to be.

@Soggycushion Not yet not but my anxiety is getting the better of me. Anger can't enter my life right now as I go on full destruction mode and I just can't put myself through that again.