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Original poster

Attending funeral

103 replies

Frankie81a · 13/09/2022 08:50

BIL had died funeral is at 10am I live 160 miles away and have to drive on two notorious traffic motorways M1 M25 It is not really feasible to have to leave about 5 am on the morning to get there which then means travelling the day before.
After the funeral there is the wake which if having a few drinks means another stop over.
Would it be awful if I did not go and watched the video link instead I do not want to let my sister down. But feel two days out for a funeral and my other half having to take time off work is making me have doubts about going. All the rest of the family live local to the funeral. Feel a bit miffed that it was booked so early in the morning knowing I was the only one needing to make the long journey. What would you do ??

OP posts:

balzamico · 13/09/2022 08:54

I'd get up early and not drink then drive home.
Or stay over.
I'd basically do whatever it took to be there, I'm amazed that you're not thinking the same

passport123 · 13/09/2022 08:54

I would move hell and high water to go to my sibling's spouse's funeral.

titchy · 13/09/2022 08:55

Why can't you leave at 5am and not have anything alcoholic at the wake? You don't have to stay even one night. That's an excuse.

TheFlis12345 · 13/09/2022 08:55

What @passport123 said. Wild horses wouldn’t stop me being there to support my sister.

Figgygal · 13/09/2022 08:56

What would the fall out be if you didn't make the effort? Do you not have a relationship with him or your siblings?
I barely talk to my sibling, he's on the other side of country he's a shit to my parents and his wife is a cheat but if my sil died of curse I'd be there regardless of the upheaval

bloodywhitecat · 13/09/2022 08:57

I would either leave early and stop over afterwards or stay the night before and have non alcoholic drinks at the wake. Having recently lost my husband the support of my adult kids at the funeral meant the world to me.

RailwaySleeper · 13/09/2022 08:58

You don't have to have a drink at the wake. I'd drive there the night before, then leave after the funeral tea. One day off, for your sister.

BonesOfWhatYouBelieve · 13/09/2022 08:58

Surely it's not difficult to just not drink at a wake. I would stay either the night before, or the night after, whichever was easiest.

Feel a bit miffed that it was booked so early in the morning knowing I was the only one needing to make the long journey.

It's almost as if, when arranging her husband's funeral, your convenience wasn't top of her agenda.

NerrSnerr · 13/09/2022 08:59

Why couldn't you leave at 5am and come back after the wake?

Does your other half need to take time off work for childcare or to come too?

If one of his family members died would you take time off to support him? I would in my family.

The motorway isn't an issue. Just a road.

RailwaySleeper · 13/09/2022 09:00

If it's really the motorways you're worried about, driving there late evening/early morning would mean significantly less traffic.

Roselilly36 · 13/09/2022 09:00

Could anyone else drive you OP? If you are concerned about the motorway driving. Could you stay with your sister. Funerals aren’t easy to arrange, you often have to take a less popular time. Be there for your sister if you can,
I think it will affect your relationship otherwise. Try to reverse the situation, how would you feel if you sister wasn’t there for you?

ArthurScargillsgingerpube · 13/09/2022 09:00

"Feel a bit miffed that it was booked so early in the morning knowing I was the only one needing to make the long journey. What would you do ??"

Seriously ?

NerrSnerr · 13/09/2022 09:00

Feel a bit miffed that it was booked so early in the morning knowing I was the only one needing to make the long journey.

What a bitch, arranging her husband's funeral at a time convenient for her (and only mildly inconvenient for you- getting up at 5am on one occasion surely it's a huge thing?)

BluebellsareBlue · 13/09/2022 09:01

I'm an only child so the closest thing I have to sisters are my friends. I would do everything in my power to be there for them at this time. If the funeral is in the morning the wake will be straight after. Surely you can spend the morning and maybe early afternoon not drinking alcohol 🙄

Fupoffyagrasshole · 13/09/2022 09:01

Are you honestly saying they should have thought about you when booking the funeral and whether it would suit you or not 🙄 ffs 🤦‍♀️

Neilsfavouritechilli · 13/09/2022 09:01

I'm calling reverse on this one.

Goldunicorn · 13/09/2022 09:03

Funerals are rarely easy, or scheduled / arranged to suit everyone else’s time, and by nature will be fairly short-notice, so there’s a degree of “inconvenience” for everyone. Only you know whether this is going beyond inconvenience to downright not possible for you and husband to attend. Personally, I’d be exhausting all options, however inconvenient before staying home & watching on video link.
Personally, I don’t consider what you’ve written to justify staying home (assuming time off work is granted), but your decision.

essex956 · 13/09/2022 09:03

Feel a bit miffed that it was booked so early in the morning knowing I was the only one needing to make the long journey.

So you've said yourself you're the only one having to travel yet you expect the whole funeral to revolve around the deceased persons sister in law?

Clymene · 13/09/2022 09:03

Just tell your sister you can't be bothered to go. It's the truth after all.

BarkylLoner · 13/09/2022 09:04

Travelling 160 miles for a family funeral is nothing. People come from overseas to attend family funerals.

Sorry OP but you'll look like you couldn't be bothered to make a effort to be there to pay your respects and support your relatives.

Most wakes I've been to recently have hardly anyone drinking alcohol as most driving home. Plenty of tea/coffee so just have that and drive home.

inkworks273 · 13/09/2022 09:04

If you're really worried about driving could you get the train instead?

You certainly don't need to have a drink at the wake so that's not really a problem.

You should do your very best to be there for your sister.

sunglassesonthetable · 13/09/2022 09:07

Someone's funeral only ever happens ONCE. A once only event.

You miss it , you can never undo it. I would put that front and centre of your mind.

If you really want to support your sister, you would go.

titchy · 13/09/2022 09:11

Neilsfavouritechilli · 13/09/2022 09:01

I'm calling reverse on this one.

Good call

sunglassesonthetable · 13/09/2022 09:11

And I would totally swallow that "miffed feeling" that it's not been arranged in a way that s convenient to you.

I arranged my OHs funeral last year and believe me it was just all about arranging the FUNERAL. I didn't factor in anyones travel tbh.

My brother came from the States.

watcherintherye · 13/09/2022 09:15

I would travel the night before, as I can completely understand not wanting to risk busy motorways and not getting there on time, and a 5 a.m. start wouldn’t appeal, tbh. I then wouldn’t drink at the wake (it’s not compulsory!) and would drive home afterwards. I wouldn’t dream of not going, though.

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