Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Attending funeral

103 replies

Frankie81a · 13/09/2022 08:50

BIL had died funeral is at 10am I live 160 miles away and have to drive on two notorious traffic motorways M1 M25 It is not really feasible to have to leave about 5 am on the morning to get there which then means travelling the day before.
After the funeral there is the wake which if having a few drinks means another stop over.
Would it be awful if I did not go and watched the video link instead I do not want to let my sister down. But feel two days out for a funeral and my other half having to take time off work is making me have doubts about going. All the rest of the family live local to the funeral. Feel a bit miffed that it was booked so early in the morning knowing I was the only one needing to make the long journey. What would you do ??

OP posts:
Flyingf1edgelings · 13/09/2022 11:30

Just wow 😯
how selfish they are not to plan a funeral around you.
seriously you sound very cold self absorbed and lacking in empathy. If my sister thought like this i would go no contact.

Colinthedaxi · 13/09/2022 11:30

My brother flew from Australia, we are not even that close. Love to know the backstory to this one!

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 13/09/2022 11:36

Feel a bit miffed that it was booked so early in the morning knowing I was the only one needing to make the long journey. What would you do ??

And rightly so OP! What could your sister have possibly been thinking about, as she was arranging the funeral of her husband, that she did not consider your needs.

Jules198 · 13/09/2022 11:40

You sound very selfish. Id leave at 4am to avoid traffic if i had to so i could be there to show my respects and support family. You don't have to drink alcohol at the wake. How would you feel if this was your husband who died?

SVRT19674 · 13/09/2022 11:43

I travelled from Spain to England to my mum´s first cousin´s funeral. I also travelled for two hours to my uncle´s funeral leaving my 3 year old daughter at nursery at 7.30 am. Because that is what you do, but perhaps you don´t think much of your sister and her husband...

Tdcp · 13/09/2022 11:43

I'm not really in contact with my brother but if his wife died I'd definitely be at the funeral. I live 250 miles away. Stay the night or leave at 5am.

Kashmirsilver · 13/09/2022 11:44

Frankie81a · 13/09/2022 08:50

BIL had died funeral is at 10am I live 160 miles away and have to drive on two notorious traffic motorways M1 M25 It is not really feasible to have to leave about 5 am on the morning to get there which then means travelling the day before.
After the funeral there is the wake which if having a few drinks means another stop over.
Would it be awful if I did not go and watched the video link instead I do not want to let my sister down. But feel two days out for a funeral and my other half having to take time off work is making me have doubts about going. All the rest of the family live local to the funeral. Feel a bit miffed that it was booked so early in the morning knowing I was the only one needing to make the long journey. What would you do ??

Stop over the night before somewhere close. 160 miles isn't that far if there are no problems. If there are it could turn into a mare.

Frlrlrubert · 13/09/2022 11:44

Got to be a reverse.

My friend mums funeral I went the night before, didn't drink at the wake and drove back the same day. I couldn't stay 2 nights because I didn't have the childcare - I would have done anything possible to be there for them, including getting up at 5 am if I'd had to.

Own sisters husband - possibly even more important.

The only time I've missed being at a funeral where someone wanted me there was when I was 8.5 months pregnant, sick as a dog, and not up to the driving the 4 hour round trip. Again, that was a friend and not family, and I still wish I could have made it.

Unfortunately, when you move away from family and old friends (as I have) these things involve you doing the journey.

notangelinajolie · 13/09/2022 11:44

I would get up early and save the alcohol until I get home.

Hoppinggreen · 13/09/2022 11:45

In your shoes I would try to get my head around the fact that your sisters husbands funeral is actually not all about you

littlemousebigcheese · 13/09/2022 11:47

nothing would keep me away, but my sister is my best friend. go the night before, don't drink at the wake so you can drive back afterwards. it's not hard?

Toddlerteaplease · 13/09/2022 11:52

passport123 · 13/09/2022 08:54

I would move hell and high water to go to my sibling's spouse's funeral.

Absolutely this! I can't imagine not being there. I'd want to support my sister. So what if it means staying for two nights elsewhere. My sister and I are close but if I didn't go, i don't think she'd ever forgive me.

Toddlerteaplease · 13/09/2022 11:53

It's not compulsory to drink alcohol.

rnsaslkih · 13/09/2022 11:56

I would leave at 5am on the day. Roads nice and clear. What exactly is worrying you about this option (which seems the best)?

AuntieDolly · 13/09/2022 12:14

160 miles takes 5 hours? Average speed 32 mph?

Iamacatslave · 13/09/2022 12:17

You don’t have to drink alcohol at the wake.

INeedNewShoes · 13/09/2022 12:18

I drive on those motorways regularly. The vast majority of the time they are ok actually, even if a bit slow at times, and when there are holdups the police/highways agency are very quick to resolve issues.

160 miles really isn't far. I regularly drive 270 miles (including the entire length of the M1) and do it within 5 hours.

I'd think your excuse pretty poor if you didn't show up to a family funeral.

NeverTooLateToSing · 13/09/2022 12:31

Why can't you leave at 5am? Sound perfectly do-able to me, and nice light traffic too. Attend funeral, support sister, go to wake and have soft drinks, then go home. What's so hard?

LadyLapsang · 13/09/2022 12:37

Surely the option to watch online is for those on the other side of the world, those too infirm to travel or for other essential reasons cannot travel. I think you need to make an effort to attend in person. Don’t drink alcohol at the wake and drive home in the afternoon / evening.

roarfeckingroarr · 13/09/2022 12:57

I would go the night before then not drink so I could get home. Or I would do the 5am start as a one off and stay the night to support my sibling.

I certainly wouldn't make it about me by being annoyed the arrangements haven't been made around my travel.

Sparkletastic · 13/09/2022 13:27

I'd stay the night before and not drink at the wake.

baileys6904 · 13/09/2022 13:34

160 miles and it involves a motorway, but will still take you 5 hours??? Think I got stuck behind u this weekend. Bet you stay in the middle lane at all times n all...

Insideallday · 13/09/2022 13:38

Wow….yes it would be unreasonable to watch it via video link. You should be there for your sister.

you haven’t mentioned anyone else only your own inconvenience.

I hope your sister doesn’t see this thread.

You’d actually want to take a look at yourself.

Insideallday · 13/09/2022 13:39

And to add I hope your OH doesn’t pass away and your sister was thinking along the same lines as you.

Notaboutthebass · 13/09/2022 13:40

Leave early and drive back or stay the previous night and drive back.