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Original poster

Attending funeral

103 replies

Frankie81a · 13/09/2022 08:50

BIL had died funeral is at 10am I live 160 miles away and have to drive on two notorious traffic motorways M1 M25 It is not really feasible to have to leave about 5 am on the morning to get there which then means travelling the day before.
After the funeral there is the wake which if having a few drinks means another stop over.
Would it be awful if I did not go and watched the video link instead I do not want to let my sister down. But feel two days out for a funeral and my other half having to take time off work is making me have doubts about going. All the rest of the family live local to the funeral. Feel a bit miffed that it was booked so early in the morning knowing I was the only one needing to make the long journey. What would you do ??

OP posts:
GraveAndQuietAtTheMouthOfHell · 13/09/2022 13:43

Go the night before. Go alone. Leave the wake promptly. Support the family.

TolkiensFallow · 13/09/2022 14:24

Is this a reverse?

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 13/09/2022 15:14

passport123 · 13/09/2022 08:54

I would move hell and high water to go to my sibling's spouse's funeral.

As is often the case on MN, the first post sums it up!

I would imagine that your sister is more "miffed" that her husband died, than you are about a 10am funeral. 🙄

FunsizedandFabulous · 13/09/2022 15:59

You sister needs you. Just go.

My uncle died a few years ago and my other uncle and aunt drove 200 miles to attend.

Darbs76 · 13/09/2022 16:30

It’s driveable in a day, but no reason you have to drink. Of course you should be there

Branleuse · 13/09/2022 16:33

Id go and stop over. Maybe dont drink at the wake if you dont want to spend an extra night, but id try and go

BeaLola · 13/09/2022 16:42
  • passport123 I would move hell and high water to go to my sibling's spouse's funeral.

As is often the case on MN, the first post sums it up!

I would imagine that your sister is more "miffed" that her husband died, than you are about a 10am funeral. 🙄*

This , exactly this

mdh2020 · 13/09/2022 17:05

BiLs funeral took place while we were on holiday in Wales. we interrupted our holiday and spent three days driving to his funeral, including two nights in a hotel. There was no question in my mind that we wouldn’t attend.

DahliasLove · 13/09/2022 17:09

Actually struggling to figure out if this post is serious?

Is it honestly that crazy they didn’t think of you personally whilst arranging a funeral.

Go. Obviously. And I really hope this post isn’t a reflection of the support you will be offering to your sister.

Loachworks · 13/09/2022 17:11

Imagine being mildly inconvenienced in order to attend and support your sibling at her spouse's funeral. How unreasonable! Fucking hell OP I seriously hope this isn't real. I drove further than that (both ways in a day) to attend a cousin's funeral. This is your BIL.

EndTheMonacyNow · 13/09/2022 17:12

Isn't there public transport?

In our family it would be perfectly ok not to attend but it depends on what your sister thinks?

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/09/2022 17:14

Did you not like him? Don’t you like your sister?

Don't go if you’re going to resent the Herculean effort you feel it’ll take but do realise what it’ll look like.

maeveiscurious · 13/09/2022 17:14

Be sure that you be hardly noticed for being there, but you will be missed if you are not

Onceuponaheartache · 13/09/2022 17:17

I think a lot depends on the relationship with your sister.

I an NC with mine but if something happened to her dh I would be there in a shot to support where I could.

It isn't unreasonable to do the round trip in a day. I often do for longer. I live on the M1 corridor in the Midlands and regularly do the run to Gatwick and back in a day. Its tiring but perfectly doable.

Leave early to avoid traffic and take breaks.

I think you are looking for excuses. Sorry.

allboysherebutme · 13/09/2022 23:38

Go up the day before and stay the night after the funeral, i am not sure id forgive my sister if she didn't support me. X

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 13/09/2022 23:52

Funeral slots are really difficult to get hold of at the moment as all the services are short staffed. Your sister's family will have been offered a choice of this unpopular early morning slot or a later slot 2 weeks later and it's not unreasonable that this seemed to them the best option.

You could certainly either leave at 5am or remain sober at the wake in order to cut one overnight very easily. It would be feasible to do both. Or you may be able to just drive to a relatively nearby mainline train station and get train&taxi for the rest of the journey- then you can drink at the wake but sober up on the train home sufficiently to be able to drive back home from the station.

Each person in your life only has one funeral. When the time comes if they were important to you (or if they were very important to someone very important to you) then nothing stops you from going.

Kite22 · 14/09/2022 00:01

Seriously ?

Without a big backstory, I can't believe you are talking about not being there to support your sister as she buries or cremates her husband.
How selfish are you ? Hmm

Why can't you drive down in the evening before and kip down at someone's house (as you say you are the only one who needs to travel, there must be options), and then drive home on the evening (you don't need to drink alcohol) if you really need to be back at that time.

But I can't imagine dh not wanting to come to my sister's dh's funeral.
We would make it work so we could both get there.

GentlemanJay · 14/09/2022 00:20

balzamico · 13/09/2022 08:54

I'd get up early and not drink then drive home.
Or stay over.
I'd basically do whatever it took to be there, I'm amazed that you're not thinking the same

This.

Musti · 14/09/2022 00:50

I’d want to be there for my sister. Wake up early and don’t drink - simples

BecauseICan22 · 14/09/2022 00:54

Frankie81a · 13/09/2022 08:50

BIL had died funeral is at 10am I live 160 miles away and have to drive on two notorious traffic motorways M1 M25 It is not really feasible to have to leave about 5 am on the morning to get there which then means travelling the day before.
After the funeral there is the wake which if having a few drinks means another stop over.
Would it be awful if I did not go and watched the video link instead I do not want to let my sister down. But feel two days out for a funeral and my other half having to take time off work is making me have doubts about going. All the rest of the family live local to the funeral. Feel a bit miffed that it was booked so early in the morning knowing I was the only one needing to make the long journey. What would you do ??

Are you actually annoyed that your sister didn't book her husbands funeral at a time that works for you?

Yes, definitely don't attend. Video attendance is better in this instance. I wouldn't want such an uncaring sister to attend if it was for me and my husband.

Strokethefurrywall · 14/09/2022 01:06

Jesus, I live 5000 miles away and would be on the first plane home if my BiL died.

My sister would need me, my niece would need me, my parents would need me. My BIL has been a part of our family for 25 years.

I'm assuming from your blasé attitude to his death and your family, that you're not particularly close to them, you're horrendously selfish or there is some massive backstory to the general relationship - either that or this is a shitty reverse.

NoDairyNoProblem · 14/09/2022 01:12

Kite22 · 14/09/2022 00:01

Seriously ?

Without a big backstory, I can't believe you are talking about not being there to support your sister as she buries or cremates her husband.
How selfish are you ? Hmm

Why can't you drive down in the evening before and kip down at someone's house (as you say you are the only one who needs to travel, there must be options), and then drive home on the evening (you don't need to drink alcohol) if you really need to be back at that time.

But I can't imagine dh not wanting to come to my sister's dh's funeral.
We would make it work so we could both get there.

100% this!

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2022 07:30

You know some people get up at 5 every morning to go to work right?

Bretonbear · 14/09/2022 07:33

Yes, OP, it would be awful if you did not go.

ExtraOnions · 14/09/2022 07:41

Opening Post, written by a journalist, who will now make a story of it in the paper …

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