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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

CF Acquaintance turned up today despite refusing invite

910 replies

Grumpusaurus · 02/09/2022 01:04

We live in a popular tourist destination and after numerous people took advantage of us, we nip it in the bud now. Most seem to follow the same script by contacting us out of the blue and mentioning that it would be so lovely to see us. I now answer in a very friendly manner that it has been years since we last heard from them and it would indeed be lovely to catch up over coffee in a nearby spot when they are in the area. This does tend to put an end to most of those potential CFs, however, one acquaintance pushed back and asked to stay with us at the beginning of September. I told her that this would not be possible, especially as we have a very tight deadline and will be working flat out to finish a commission. DH and I are self-employed craftspeople and sometimes we do work all day and most of the night to finish pieces and the DC stay at their grandparents during that last push. Not heard back from the acquaintance since July even though she clearly read my WhatsApp message.

The doorbell went this evening, I ignored it as DH and I were in the middle of working on our commission but someone kept pushing the bell. Our property is an L-shape so you can see from our workshop who is at the front door. CF acquaintance was standing there with a suitcase! DH is more of a people pleaser and while really cheesed off was about to answer the door till I told him no bloody way! He redeemed himself by immediately agreeing. The bell went a few more times and then got a flurry of WhatsApp messages, which I ignored. She eventually left after half an hour. I am almost bemused by the cheek of it but there is no way I am going to let anyone railroad me into being their free accommodation and greatly inconveniencing us, especially while we literally get up to work all hours and fall into bed. DH is fretting about her coming back but I told that we will just continue to ignore the doorbell. We have a back gate to a dirt track we can stealth like leave the property if she is holding a siege at the front door 😎 There are plenty of hotels and B&Bs in the area, albeit quite dear. Who does that! A rhetorical question but am just shocked by the cheek of just turning up after saying emphatically No!

OP posts:
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Grumpusaurus · 15/09/2022 17:07

Just had a blinder of an idea! In order to save costs on the vat full of boiling oil, I could always go around the large number of restaurants in the area and offer to take their used cooking/fryer oil of their hands. I am also loving the idea of deep-frying while awaiting intruders...

OP posts:
Glittertwins · 15/09/2022 18:14

Waste oil recycling - love it!

Grumpusaurus · 15/09/2022 20:29

DH is now fully invested into the Visitor Deterrent designs. He mentionned that the area in front of the portcullis where the hot oil is poured, needs to have some sort of strong grid set flush in the ground through which the oil can flow through that can withstand the weight of big lorries driving across. Below the grid should be some holding tank to collect the poured oil to prevent it seeping into the ground but also to continually recycle the oil. However, his coup de grâce is to have a way that the oil underneath the grid can also be set alight at the right moment. I am swooning! He can be a right sexy devious old swine

OP posts:
Binglebong · 15/09/2022 20:37

Well the setting alight should be easy enough -all you need is a flint and steel arrangement that can be operated from the other side. I'm sure we could sort that out for you. I think the main difficulty will be draining the oil when your pit is full after defeating the rampaging hoards.

Surtsey · 15/09/2022 23:17

Why boiling oil? That's so last year. Go for something more chic and original - bouillabaisse maybe, or ganache?

Or simply seal up any CF intruder into one of your artistic creations...

BrightYellowDaffodil · 15/09/2022 23:59

@Grumpusaurus you mean like a cattle grid? I think that would work… 🤔

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 16/09/2022 02:26

Surtsey · 15/09/2022 23:17

Why boiling oil? That's so last year. Go for something more chic and original - bouillabaisse maybe, or ganache?

Or simply seal up any CF intruder into one of your artistic creations...

Nooooooooo! You can't waste delicious food on twat repellant!
recycled cooking oil is genius though 😁
Also, to get the oil back up from the pot to the pendulum cauldron (see what I did there? 😁) install a nifty stirrup pump arrangement powered by... Wait for it... The dogs! Install a run/giant wheel, dangle treats, and let them go for it.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 16/09/2022 02:27

Pit! Not pot! Another great line ruined 😐🤔😊

Mothership4two · 16/09/2022 03:07

This is what you need OP maybe inside a decoy porch?

Grumpusaurus · 16/09/2022 04:16

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 16/09/2022 02:26

Nooooooooo! You can't waste delicious food on twat repellant!
recycled cooking oil is genius though 😁
Also, to get the oil back up from the pot to the pendulum cauldron (see what I did there? 😁) install a nifty stirrup pump arrangement powered by... Wait for it... The dogs! Install a run/giant wheel, dangle treats, and let them go for it.

Think you must be DH's secret muse! 😄

He had a very similar idea. Very similar...

OP posts:
Grumpusaurus · 16/09/2022 04:18

Mothership4two · 16/09/2022 03:07

This is what you need OP maybe inside a decoy porch?

Ooooh now that is truly inspired set up! Loving the fact that the villain had a plate of seafood on the table.

OP posts:
Grumpusaurus · 16/09/2022 04:20

Must concur that I would hate to waste good food on CF intruders but using them as a nifty armature for a sculpture is a great idea! Off to google ultra fast setting ciment fondu...

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 16/09/2022 04:48

Mmm... standing atop the gatehouse, scoffing freshly fried doughnuts ...

I feel like the oil should be channelled through some sort of gargoyle, I know this isn't the traditional use for gargoyles, but I've always wanted a good use for them!

marcopront · 16/09/2022 05:03

Do you need to always keep a cauldron of oil boiling in case of invaders?

SpinCityBlues · 16/09/2022 05:08

In reality there was greater use of hot or boiling water or heated sand, when deterrant tactics were employed.

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/09/2022 05:12

I bet there was a more wide spread use of chamber pots and other noxious waste products than the history books mention... sand and hot water do seem a little more practical to keep on hand... but thats BORING. And you can't fry a doughnut in it.

SpinCityBlues · 16/09/2022 05:13

Imagine really hot sand wedged in your armour though

Handyweatherstation · 16/09/2022 06:42

you can't fry a doughnut in it.

True, but you could make pasta.

NanaNelly · 16/09/2022 06:50

Where I live there are very old Forts with still very obvious signs of boiled date juice running down the exterior walls from when it was used to repel attackers.

ArrrMeHearties · 16/09/2022 07:13

Bravo for ignoring the door. I hope she never darkens your door again

Glittertwins · 16/09/2022 08:21

From a purely selfish and entertainment point of view, it's a shame she probably won't. But for @Grumpusaurus and family, I hope she never goes anywhere close again.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 16/09/2022 08:54

Oooooh! I've never been a muse before <simpers modestly> I can tap Monsieur Grunpasaurus with my fan and say "oh la! Sir" if he likes? Anything to keep the inspiration flowing... 😁

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 16/09/2022 08:54

Ah but you don’t need to waste food if you pull the old Beatric Potter switcheroo! Remember the story of the naughty mice who went into the dolls house to rob it and they couldn’t wait to eat the food but when they bit into it, it was sawdust and paint? Just mock up some food on a plate for CFs to lure them to the right spot. 😁

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 16/09/2022 08:56

Beatrix arrgh. Beatric is obviously her medieval cousin from Burgundy.

AlbertaAnnie · 16/09/2022 09:04

such a nerve - well she certainly does have some bottle! 🤣🤣