CF Acquaintance turned up today despite refusing invite

[Grumpusaurus]

We live in a popular tourist destination and after numerous people took advantage of us, we nip it in the bud now. Most seem to follow the same script by contacting us out of the blue and mentioning that it would be so lovely to see us. I now answer in a very friendly manner that it has been years since we last heard from them and it would indeed be lovely to catch up over coffee in a nearby spot when they are in the area. This does tend to put an end to most of those potential CFs, however, one acquaintance pushed back and asked to stay with us at the beginning of September. I told her that this would not be possible, especially as we have a very tight deadline and will be working flat out to finish a commission. DH and I are self-employed craftspeople and sometimes we do work all day and most of the night to finish pieces and the DC stay at their grandparents during that last push. Not heard back from the acquaintance since July even though she clearly read my WhatsApp message.

The doorbell went this evening, I ignored it as DH and I were in the middle of working on our commission but someone kept pushing the bell. Our property is an L-shape so you can see from our workshop who is at the front door. CF acquaintance was standing there with a suitcase! DH is more of a people pleaser and while really cheesed off was about to answer the door till I told him no bloody way! He redeemed himself by immediately agreeing. The bell went a few more times and then got a flurry of WhatsApp messages, which I ignored. She eventually left after half an hour. I am almost bemused by the cheek of it but there is no way I am going to let anyone railroad me into being their free accommodation and greatly inconveniencing us, especially while we literally get up to work all hours and fall into bed. DH is fretting about her coming back but I told that we will just continue to ignore the doorbell. We have a back gate to a dirt track we can stealth like leave the property if she is holding a siege at the front door 😎 There are plenty of hotels and B&Bs in the area, albeit quite dear. Who does that! A rhetorical question but am just shocked by the cheek of just turning up after saying emphatically No!

Oh i see! That’s what rumbled you!!

good for you, you’ve played a blinder in all this.

your client happy with their commission?

Congratulations for coming on to a lighthearted thread with 22 pages of comedy gold and spoiling the tone. Sorry about your dog, but this could have happened with any breed, not just an abandoned greyhound from a rescue

So ask a person face to face and not the internet ? For answers you already know . Mountain out of molehill springs to mind . As I said if the poster calculated enough to withhold opening messages they know what they are doing without getting the opinions of a million Mums :/ really

@Sumthingsweet ·

So ask a person face to face and not the internet ? For answers you already know . Mountain out of molehill springs to mind . As I said if the poster calculated enough to withhold opening messages they know what they are doing without getting the opinions of a million Mums :/ really

I think you are taking this a tad more seriously than @Grumpusaurus intended and she did state in the OP that it was rhetorical. Personally I have enjoyed this thread.

Sorry to hear that @wentworthinmate . My NDN's cat was also killed by an ex racing greyhound that slipped its lead in our street. Apparently they are generally good interacting with humans but they have been trained to chase and kill furry things that run. I also wouldn't take on this type of rescue for this reason.

Fortunately MN is a democracy where you are allowed to say what you want within their guidelines

@Mothership4two : exactly, how else could I have remembered important historical artefacts such as an oubliette?!

@Glittertwins

I'm a bit confused

What you need @Grumpusaurus is a ha-ha at the boundary line.
when anyone approaches, shout "watch thou for the ha-ha" . Worthy people will stop immediately and be safe, and cf interlopers will drop right in

Oooooh a ha-ha. One day, in possibly another lifetime. I have a bit of a thing about ha-has, I really really really unreasonably stupidly want one. Im in a mid terrace, I've nowhere to put even a mini ha-ha... I wonder if an oubliette would interfere with the drains though...

studiously ignores the doom-monger who came just to say how horrid ALL sighthounds are based in the actions of ONE

That is because you haven’t been reading along with us, we are just having fun with a very entertaining op

I meant about @Mothership4two confusion

I have been @Glittertwins but it has been going on for 11 days now and quite a lot of other events have been happening since it started!

Weirdly I have just read a book which had an oubliette in it

It's been a highly entertaining read all the way through!

Looking at ha has, they might make it difficult for any haulier companies to pick up stuff from the workshop. Seriously, loving the portcullis idea and an oubliette!

Yeah the ha-ha is really meant to give one an uninterrupted view of one's parkland and estate (well the pretty bits) whilst preventing the deer and park cattle from getting onto the lawn... less good for keeping out the riff-raff.

Bonus of the portcullis is the supporting building gives you a vantage point for the tipping of boiling oil.. so its a two-for- one deal there and should you have visiting archers... they can stand on top and let fly the flaming arrows too (keep the flaming arrows away from the boiling oil... there isn't a wet teatowel big enough for a medieval style chip pan fire!)

I have questions about the portcullis and its building. Are there any historical user manuals available? Do you boil the oil and then take it to the top of the building (surely a health and safety nightmare) or light a fire under a large pot up there and carry up cold oil for boiling. Is there a protocol for carrying the oil? I mean those stone stairs are tricky at best IME, if someone accidentally spills a large jug of oil they're going to be virtually impassable, unless there are large sacks of sand available to cover the spill.

What's the system for manoeuvring (so hard to spell that) the pot of boiling oil? I wouldn't fancy trying it with just a pair of oven gloves. Maybe some sort of frame with chains to hold the pot above the fire, but then how would you tip it to pour on the cheeky fuckers looking for a free holiday?

Does the portcullis itself have a counter weight or something to help raise it without causing a hernia? When they need to lower it in a hurry they often cut the rope with a sword in the movies, wouldn't you need quite a few stand by ropes in that case or risk being trapped inside forever?

Lastly, do you think the neighbours would object to my planning application to install a portcullis in the driveway of my house (small cul de sac)?

Well I'd personally haul the pot up on the outside using a pulley system. It would attach to a pole at the top of the portcullis / building locale, and could then run along a track to be positioned over a fire, suspended by a tripod. I'd use animal fat as it would be solid at room temp, so you just carry up blocks of the stuff. Also is a high temp oil so won't smoke until really hot, and will smell delicious. (Sorry vegans and vegetarians, although if your CF's are vegan / veggie the smell will be a bonus.) Don't drop it on the stairs or that'll be a major health and safety issue. Heat up the lard in the cauldron, when hot and CF's arrive, manoeuvre the boiling oil back along the track and tip it over the edge. You could push the cauldron along with pokers. Just don't let it swing too much. That's how I envisage it anyway

I hadn't thought of animal fat - genius. I was imagining olive oil (or a cheaper substitute).

I'm not sure on the lard, have you seen the cost of supermarket shops these days? Perhaps go for the option the medieval fighters wish they had - couple of jerry cans of petrol and a flame thrower. There's probably an option involving lighter than air flammable gases underground but then no portcullis. Less likely to be defensible in court as a pivot into performance art installations with regrettable and entirely unforeseen consequences.

Most of medieval warfare was about channelling your enemy into the best location for you to unleash bloody hell on them, hence the moats and portcullises. At least the lovely home in tourist destination does that job.

For the lard I think Grumpusaurus would only have to make one initial purchase, then she could render down the fat of the cheeky fuckers for future use.

Loving the meticulous attention to elf & safety matters and the commendable make do and mend attitude! Am loathed to use use precious cooking fat and lard isn't cheap here but could stretch to large budget vegetable oil containers. Of course, there is also other organic matter in the form of several chamber pots stored up.

This is hilarious 🤣🤣🤣

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

You need a proper gate house, then you position your vat of boiling oil over the archway with - and this bit is important else you're going to burn your feet - a hole through which to pour the boiling oil onto unwelcome CFs/people trying to sell you pegs while casing the joint/door to door religion salesmen.

You'll need the vat on some sort of pivot so you get the oil nice and hot then tip it over to pour through the hole. As a bonus, you can deep fry stuff while you're waiting which doubles as an economy due to the price of oil these days.

See also: tarring and feathering.

I very much like this idea. Just imagine watching CF smugly settle herself in thinking she's pulled a blinder, and all the while you have your hand on the trigger just waiting for the right moment...