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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finding my partner's affection with our daughter, uncomfortable.

102 replies

no675 · 15/02/2021 20:48

Hello,

Basicially, my issues is. And I believe it is 'my issue'. My wonderful partner and dad to our daughter who is six years old is affectionate with her. No more or no less than any other healthy, loving father.

He kisses her, tickles her and holds her.

However, I find this extremely uncortable to warch and every fibre in my body is wanting to say 'stop'.

I feel it is wrong, but my logical brain knows it is not.

I was wondering if anyone could relate or had any advice?

P.S I am more than hundred percent sure there is nothing untoward going on. It is purely me overreacting. He is like I said. Wonderful and he just loves his daughter. However, I have problem with the way he shows it, I feel he shoudlnt kiss, cuddle and tickle. I am wondering why I have such issues, whether others have and what I can I do about them.

Thank you,

N

OP posts:
QueenOfPain · 15/02/2021 20:50

I think you need some therapy to explore this further.

It’s perfectly normal and healthy for a father to show physical affection for their children. It would be far more damaging if he never did so, particularly to appease you.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 15/02/2021 20:52

What was your childhood like and the relationship with your father/father figure? You might find the answer there potentially.

Lollypop4 · 15/02/2021 20:53

Do you kiss, cuddle and tickle your DD?

SorryStateOfAffairs · 15/02/2021 20:53

That's quite an extreme reaction you're having. Is there anything in your past that might explain it?

Christmasfairy2020 · 15/02/2021 20:54

Err??? Its normal. You either have issues with jealousy? Or you was abused? Therapy will help you explore your feelings zx

Ohalrightthen · 15/02/2021 20:54

Were you abused as a child? Were the father/child relationships you were exposed to in your early years maladaptive? I really think you should get some extra help in dealing with this.

LST · 15/02/2021 20:55

You need to speak to someone about this OP. Dies your dp know you feel like this?

RedGoldAndGreene · 15/02/2021 20:58

I assume that this is linked to your relationship with your father, uncle or another male adult.

Dads who don't do what he does are considered unloving, cold and distant by their kids later on. I assume that you're aware that his behaviour is normal which is you posted but I'd definitely look into this with a therapist.

sadpapercourtesan · 15/02/2021 21:00

Not knowing you or your dp, I can see two likely explanations:

  1. you have a skewed perspective on father/daughter relationships because of your own past, either abuse or a very hand-off relationship with your father

  2. your instincts are telling you something about your dp

Only you know which it is, really.

Tangledtresses · 15/02/2021 21:06

If you feel uncomfortable it's because it is uncomfortable..., do not ignore how you feel!

Yes there maybe something me be what ever past trauma... I didn't have any ignored it and he turned out to be... I can't even write it down it disturbs me to this day that I didn't listen to my gut instinct

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/02/2021 21:07

I’d agree you’d def benefit from doing some thinking into this

I had a very close and affectionate relationship with my dad , always

To be loved is a wonderful thing

I really wish you well , it’s a horrible thought burden to have

And , agree with
sadpapercourtesan

Haggisfish · 15/02/2021 21:08

It’s very normal to tickle hug and kiss dd as long as he listens to her if she says that’s enough. Is he dd biological dad?

Italiangreyhound · 15/02/2021 21:11

OP please get some help with your feelings. I just don't know what the situation in your family is and what your own early life experiences were.

I was not abused as a child.

I do remember one situation with s family unit and the dad just kept hugging and being affectionate to the daughter (older than 6) in public and it just felt too much. Not abusive just OTT.

So sometimes even non-abusive situations can feel too much.

I think the idea you are jealous is a bit if a stretch but still worth thinking of. I've never met s woman jealous of her own child so that doesn't seem likely.

Anyway, well done for recognising this as an issue for you and wanting to understand what is happening/what this means.

Flowers
Porridgeoat · 15/02/2021 21:15

What makes you feel weird? Is it the fact he does it or the way he does it?

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 15/02/2021 21:17

Over a certain age, I'm uncomfortable seeing it too OP. I'd say 6 is still ok. The cuddling and tickling is fine if it's not too OTT but kissing - yuck - but I'm assuming it's not a quick peck 'hello' etc. Around that age I' had to fight my DS for a cuddle (playfully - huge game for him which he enjoyed immensely) but I figure it was him finding his own self, his own boundaries, which is healthy. As a parent, you know when to stop treating them like babies.
The fact you are concerned is all that matters, you are the one who is better placed to judge whether it's OTT.

GranaryBread47 · 15/02/2021 21:30

As others have said I'd also suggest you look into this further with mental health support. Have you had a negative experience with a man that could have caused this reaction? I don't necessarily mean childhood abuse but witnessing or experiencing abuse or a negative situation could still be impacting you. Or do you think this is maybe because you know what 'untoward' things happen to children and you're just hyper aware of it?

I know when my first son was born I was very protective of him and I felt this terrible sadness and jealousy when anyone else held him or cared for him or even made him smile. I felt like it should've only been me looking after him. Could it be that you're for some reason jealous that your partner is making your daughter laugh instead of you?

I never had a good relationship with my father and when DH and I had children I really struggled to trust him with them and to know what to expect from him as a father (Despite knowing he is a wonderful man who loves his children). We had couples therapy to support us through it purely to make me trust him as a father.

Just throwing some ideas out there, I don't mean to pry or assume anything. Have you shared your thoughts with your partner, or would you consider it? If you approach it in a non-accusatory way he may be able to reassure you that it's okay and safe to trust him and that he and your daughter are safe and love each other healthily.

Quit4me · 15/02/2021 21:40

Honestly OP I do know what you mean. I have felt it too slightly in exactly the same circumstances. I know in my head nothing is wrong. But I still get this slightly panicky feeling and I don’t know why.
All I can think is because we read and hear about so many horrible stories all around us all the time. It’s in the news and I also watch real life crime on Netflix and you tube a fair bit and so have heard many cases. I think I’m just hyper aware and my protective feelings are overwhelming me.
I just tell myself not to be stupid and how lovely it is to have a loving dad.

changingmine · 15/02/2021 21:43

Hugs yes, tickling no. Tickling is fun for the tickler and horrible for the ticklee. Some consider it abuse.

Merename · 15/02/2021 21:44

@sadpapercourtesan

Not knowing you or your dp, I can see two likely explanations:

  1. you have a skewed perspective on father/daughter relationships because of your own past, either abuse or a very hand-off relationship with your father

  2. your instincts are telling you something about your dp

Only you know which it is, really.

I agree.
justilou1 · 15/02/2021 21:47

I would wonder if perhaps something happened to you with an older man as a child and you have been repressing it, perhaps? (Maybe you remember it and are trying desperately not to project this into your DH)
Perhaps your instincts are actually correct and you suspect your DH has nefarious grooming behaviours in mind, and you need to get onto this ASAP. Instincts exist for a reason and sometimes this behaviour is done in front of the mother to normalize what is to come later. (Not saying that this is definitely what is happening. I am not there and can’t see what you are seeing.)

rainbowninja · 15/02/2021 21:48

Interesting, I have a 6 yr old DD too and the way my husband is with her makes me sad that my Dad wasn't more loving and affectionate. I do hate it when he tickles her though, I physically tense up and can't watch. He doesn't do it excessively or anything but I guess it feels similar to what you are describing. Boundaries are important so I guess what matters is that your daughter can say when she doesn't like something and that your partner listens.

TriflePudding · 15/02/2021 21:48

I agree with sadpapercourtesan as well.

And those of you who are jumping in to tell OP how she immediately needs to seek therapy need to have a word with themselves. Women have instincts for a reason, and we need to damn well trust them.

truthisalie · 15/02/2021 21:51

Is it because you think your child may love him more?

Bingiswhiney · 15/02/2021 21:51

@changingmine My toddler Dd asks for us to tickle her? She loves it, but I do remember when I was young and it went on too long and I wanted it to stop sort of 🤷🏻‍♀️

thosetalesofunexpected · 15/02/2021 21:52

@changingmine

Wtf how on earth can tickling be thought of as abuse by some people???😕

There are some seriously weird/messed up people ou there,who think like that for heavens sake !!!