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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finding my partner's affection with our daughter, uncomfortable.

102 replies

no675 · 15/02/2021 20:48

Hello,

Basicially, my issues is. And I believe it is 'my issue'. My wonderful partner and dad to our daughter who is six years old is affectionate with her. No more or no less than any other healthy, loving father.

He kisses her, tickles her and holds her.

However, I find this extremely uncortable to warch and every fibre in my body is wanting to say 'stop'.

I feel it is wrong, but my logical brain knows it is not.

I was wondering if anyone could relate or had any advice?

P.S I am more than hundred percent sure there is nothing untoward going on. It is purely me overreacting. He is like I said. Wonderful and he just loves his daughter. However, I have problem with the way he shows it, I feel he shoudlnt kiss, cuddle and tickle. I am wondering why I have such issues, whether others have and what I can I do about them.

Thank you,

N

OP posts:
Thomasina2021 · 15/02/2021 21:53

@TriflePudding

I agree with sadpapercourtesan as well.

And those of you who are jumping in to tell OP how she immediately needs to seek therapy need to have a word with themselves. Women have instincts for a reason, and we need to damn well trust them.

Agree with this - trust your maternal instincts
johnd2 · 15/02/2021 21:53

It's hard to tell from what you mention here but i do think you have done the right thing sharing it. You are allowed to have feelings and there's no such thing as a wrong feeling.
It sounds like you are trying to keep it to yourself because you think it's a wrong feeling but suppressed feelings just bubble up and make you anxious and cause further problems.
I do agree with the therapist suggestion not because it's your problem but because it sounds like you need help understanding and putting it into context, and you are unable to get that from your partner.
The therapy will help with that and then you will have a better idea of whether you need to take it further, and you may feel comfortable discussing with your partner

WannabemoreWeaver · 15/02/2021 21:55

@Quit4me

Honestly OP I do know what you mean. I have felt it too slightly in exactly the same circumstances. I know in my head nothing is wrong. But I still get this slightly panicky feeling and I don’t know why. All I can think is because we read and hear about so many horrible stories all around us all the time. It’s in the news and I also watch real life crime on Netflix and you tube a fair bit and so have heard many cases. I think I’m just hyper aware and my protective feelings are overwhelming me. I just tell myself not to be stupid and how lovely it is to have a loving dad.
This.
crumptrump · 15/02/2021 21:56

Our girls beg DH to have tickle fights with them. They love being tickled. Obviously he stops when they ask him to but to state that tickling isn’t appropriate is just overreacting.

SocialDistanced · 15/02/2021 21:57

Hello OP

It’s worth reflecting on why this makes you feel uncomfortable. We all have different boundaries.

My DH does the same to our DC and I am happy and very comfortable for him to do so. Are you affectionate towards your child?

KatySun · 15/02/2021 21:58

Difficult one.
At that age, I would have hugged both my DC, kissed them on the head/hair and tickled them if they wanted me to. My DS is very huggy, he comes seeking out hugs; my DD less so, but still asks for hugs now and then. I guess with both DC, the physical contact is led by them. I think that is important. My ex (DS’s dad) was always very much that he wanted hugs from the DC, regardless of whether they were wanting a hug at that point or not. I was not comfortable with that; and he generally had a lack of boundaries (one reason he is an ex). I don’t think children should ever have to hug or kiss adults (or each other for that matter). So to me, part of it is about respecting a child’s boundaries and responding to their need for hugs and that will be different depending on the child.

Beyond that, I don’t really want to speculate about what is going on here but I agree with previous posters that you should pay attention to this feeling and try to get to the bottom of why you feel like you do.

Verite1 · 15/02/2021 21:59

There seems to be some recent weird narrative that tickling is abusive. Both of my kids love to be tickled and beg me to do it. As it happens, I hated being ticked as a child, but clearly some kids love it!

Oly4 · 15/02/2021 22:04

My DH is like this with all our kids, it’s wonderful... I see it as a sign of a loving parent.

Ploughingthrough · 15/02/2021 22:04

I think this must have something to do with your own relationships. My DH and I are both affectionate with both our DD and our DS and hug and kiss them whenever they want. My DS hates to be tickled so obviously we dont. But DD thinks it's hilarious and likes to be chased and tickled by DH (and for her to do it to him!). I think affection where it is wanted makes for secure and happy children who feel loved. My DM was affectionate with all of us and always said she loved us. It meant a lot to me and made me feel very loved. My dad was also good for a hug or a cuddle.

HowWonderful · 15/02/2021 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FlamingGalar · 15/02/2021 22:25

I’ve felt like this with my DH in the past, OP. I was abused by a family member who everyone trusted implicitly. I also had a very difficult relationship with my father who was abusive in a different way.

My DH had a wonderful upbringing with supportive, loving, affectionate parents and no history of abuse, so cuddling and playful (boundaried) tickling was the norm (it was in my family too with my mum but not with any of the men. I feared and hated men for a long long time as a child). I had to do a lot of work in therapy around this and it really helped. I never entirely lost those feeling of anxiety around any family member showing affection to my kids, but I could manage those feeling better. My DDs are now teens and they have a wonderful relationship with their dad. I was so careful about not scuppering the father daughter bond with my own insecurities.

I will add that much of the therapy was around discussion of my DHs behaviour with the girls and whether there were any real red flags that did need to be addressed. In our case it was all my own trauma coming to the fore, but it was just as important for my own recovery (and goes without saying, the safely of our girls) to explore the possibility of any inappropriate behaviours. It wasn’t easy and I really felt like I was letting my husband down with my mistrust of him, but it was well worth it.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 15/02/2021 22:29

Do you have difficulty in giving or receiving physical affection?

Some people who are starved of it as children can't help but feel it's 'wrong' or 'weird' for a parent to want to touch a child.

CutePixie · 15/02/2021 22:30

If you think a dad hugging and tickling his DC is abusive then you need therapy. Yes there’s sick bastards out there, but most dads aren’t. Why is it okay for a mum to hug her 20 year old son but it’s not okay for a dad to hug his 6 year old daughter and kiss her on the top of her head?

Babymamamama · 15/02/2021 22:32

I am of the school of thought that tickling is abusive or at least it certainly can be on occasion. It starts with harmless intentions (mostly) but I particularly dislike fathers tickling their daughters in the longer term. And especially the more it goes on as they get older. It’s basically conditioning the female to say that an older male can put hands on her and it’s “fun” and “playful” when actually I see it as an abuse of power. And it does not set the female up to feel empowered to decline unwanted touch later on in life. I work with children many of whom have been abused and that’s my opinion. I’m also a feminist.

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2021 22:33

Gosh how sad would it be for her if he didn’t do this.

You need to seek some help. Is it a weird form of jealousy, or have you had abuse in your past. But it’s something you need help with.

DayBath · 15/02/2021 22:37

You describe him as a dad to your daughter - just to be clear is he her biological father? If not then how long as he known her? Because I think if he's not related then these answers would influence my feelings on the matter.

Biological father - normal behaviour
Step father who has been there since the early days - normal behaviour
Step father who has only been in her life a year - unusual.

That's a bit of a broad sweep but you get the idea.

Hesfamousforit · 15/02/2021 22:38

My dd 7 is all over her dad. I am quite often telling her to get off him. It is all innocent play but I think as adults we see touchy behaviour differently to children and it can be a bit uncomfortable to watch.

Mischance · 15/02/2021 22:39

Tickling beyond a certain limit can have abusive overtones - it is about power and control. But if it is within limits where it is still fun, then no problem.

OP has not told us the nature of the kissing, which Is very relevant.

Unless the OP has had some bad experiences that are influencing her feelings about this, then I do think that her instinct that something is amiss here should not be ignored.

My OH was physical with our DDs and they with him; but there was never anything that I felt uncomfortable about.

AIMD · 15/02/2021 22:42

@sadpapercourtesan

Not knowing you or your dp, I can see two likely explanations:

  1. you have a skewed perspective on father/daughter relationships because of your own past, either abuse or a very hand-off relationship with your father

  2. your instincts are telling you something about your dp

Only you know which it is, really.

This. What specifically does me do that you find uncomfortable? Any thing particular that makes you feel off?
RuledbyASD · 15/02/2021 22:53

@DancesWithCatsnDogs

Over a certain age, I'm uncomfortable seeing it too OP. I'd say 6 is still ok. The cuddling and tickling is fine if it's not too OTT but kissing - yuck - but I'm assuming it's not a quick peck 'hello' etc. Around that age I' had to fight my DS for a cuddle (playfully - huge game for him which he enjoyed immensely) but I figure it was him finding his own self, his own boundaries, which is healthy. As a parent, you know when to stop treating them like babies. The fact you are concerned is all that matters, you are the one who is better placed to judge whether it's OTT.
What on earth is wrong with kissing your 6yr old?!?!?!?!?!?!
Badoingbadoing · 15/02/2021 22:56

You know I do understand this a bit - although more mildly than you. My DH is the perfect affectionate parent. I think maybe it’s sometimes the fact that the phraseology he might use eg saying how beautiful and gorgeous she is (she is - she’s 2) doesn’t differ that much from what he might say to me (or some other past lover). And sometimes his mannerisms for those he loves are quite similar. And that combined with physical affection I find that a bit ick sometimes (plus generally the fact that he’s much more soppy/sentimental than me!)

Zero untoward going on, and I also don’t have any relevant past history that should make me particularly uncomfortable about this stuff. But I can’t help but feel it. Sometimes I do feel sadly it’s because we’ve been fed so much grim stuff by the media over the years.

The best I can do is not let on in any way that I have this emotional reaction.

Hope you find a way to deal with it too. x

OliviaPopeRules · 15/02/2021 22:58

@changingmine

Hugs yes, tickling no. Tickling is fun for the tickler and horrible for the ticklee. Some consider it abuse.
FFS get a grip. Mn gets more crazy every day. Some consider it abuse - yeah idiots!
VodselForDinner · 15/02/2021 22:59

As ever, previous threads can reveal a lot here.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3808500-Not-Sexually-Attracted

This is a man you find sexually repulsive, don’t want to be with, and have issues with his bisexuality and former use of prostitutes. You don’t think he’s wonderful.

Why are you with him?

Fo you think you could be projecting some of your feelings around him and sex into your daughter?

gluteustothemaximus · 15/02/2021 23:00

Not knowing you or your dp, I can see two likely explanations:

1) you have a skewed perspective on father/daughter relationships because of your own past, either abuse or a very hand-off relationship with your father

2) your instincts are telling you something about your dp

Only you know which it is, really.

THIS.

duckduckswan · 15/02/2021 23:02

I’ve a ds and dd. DH is loving to them both but I do find it’s in slightly different ways. He leans on dd and it annoys me, it’s a bit needy. I think I feel that way not because there is anything sinister in it but because in my head it reflects the emotional crutch that woman traditionally are supposed to offer plus from my own adult experience I want her to know that woman should feel in control of who touches them. I know I’ve got issues but mainly in that I feel uncomfortable explaining this to DH. Would you feel more comfortable if she initiated physical contact rather than him?