Finding my partner's affection with our daughter, uncomfortable.

[no675]

Hello,

Basicially, my issues is. And I believe it is 'my issue'. My wonderful partner and dad to our daughter who is six years old is affectionate with her. No more or no less than any other healthy, loving father.

He kisses her, tickles her and holds her.

However, I find this extremely uncortable to warch and every fibre in my body is wanting to say 'stop'.

I feel it is wrong, but my logical brain knows it is not.

I was wondering if anyone could relate or had any advice?

P.S I am more than hundred percent sure there is nothing untoward going on. It is purely me overreacting. He is like I said. Wonderful and he just loves his daughter. However, I have problem with the way he shows it, I feel he shoudlnt kiss, cuddle and tickle. I am wondering why I have such issues, whether others have and what I can I do about them.

Thank you,

N

@DancesWithCatsnDogs What is so yuck about kissing your kids? No matter how old they are, it’s completely normal. You had to fight your young DC for a cuddle? That’s really sad. My kids are 8, 11 and 13 and I get a cuddle and kiss from every one of them every morning when they wake up and every night before they go to bed. We often cuddle on the sofa when watching a movie. When they are sad, they get a kiss and a cuddle. When they are hurt, same thing. When they’ve achieved something, more kisses and cuddles! I couldn’t imagine going a single day without showing my kids physical affection. There is absolutely nothing weird about it. They are my children. It’s pretty well documented that a lack of physical affection can be damaging. Calling it yuck is so strange. Your poor DC.

havent read comments yet-pretty sure will suggest you have some sorta trigger/reaised demonss.
as a mum. Go with your gut. 100% ,logical head ,-are means shit if youve got alarm bells. or physical fear reaction its for a reason.

My son still likes being tickles and play fighting I think he finds it easier than regular hugs. As long as tickling is wanted and is appropriate it is fine. IMHO.

I can understand why you feel like this. I get like this with my DD around her grandfather (DH’s dad). I have my reasons and I feel a really horrible feeling in my stomach that I can’t explain. All I can suggest is to just generally have a conversation with your kids - I have a book from Amazon which is aimed for 4/5+ year olds to explain what private body areas are etc. my daughter responds really well to the book and it’s not too scary, they even learn about private bubble and what to do when people make them uncomfortable in their PSHE lessons.

I’m always reminding her of the book and what she should do if anyone makes her uncomfortable and that secrets are different from surprises (it’s a concept in book very well explained). I obviously don’t make it obvious that I’m worried about the grandfather but I make her aware that no one should touch her or make her uncomfortable.

"I do agree with the therapist suggestion not because it's your problem but because it sounds like you need help understanding and putting it into context, and you are unable to get that from your partner."

Yes I agree too. I was not thinking counsellor because I think you are wrong to be worried, I just do not know!! How can we know over a thread what is happening! But a skilled professional should be able to get to this.

Trust your instincts & keep a very close eye on things.

Hugs yes, tickling no. Tickling is fun for the tickler and horrible for the ticklee.

Christ, my kids love being ticked, they pester me for it all the time.

Some consider it abuse.

I'm sure the OP knows some people are fuckwits.

What is so yuck about kissing your kids? No matter how old they are, it’s completely normal.

This is MN. There are some people with very odd views on here, which would be fine were it not for the fact that the same people are often very sure they are right and any other approach to life is wrong.

I think it depends on how much and what sort of hugging, kissing and tickling there is. I personally find it very odd indeed that people kiss children on the mouth - I know plenty do - but it just seems wrong to me. I remember my dad and I had some sort of occasional tickling regime when I was wrapped in a towel after a bath which when I type it sounds quite weird. But I was maybe three rather than six and it was totally innocent. My dad didn't go round hugging, kissing and tickling me as a six year old but maybe we were just repressed. I never doubted that I was loved though. My father was the cautious sort though and when as young girl I said I really didn't like staying with my uncle he tactfully questioned me quite closely about the reasons for the dislike (which was absolutely nothing to do with inappropriate behaviour). On the other hand, I had a school friend whose father was prone to walking in when she was in the bath and she was thirteen! She didn't like it much and eventually told him to stop it. As far as I know she had an otherwise fine relationship with her father. But I would be horrified if my husband did this.

@changingmine

Hugs yes, tickling no. Tickling is fun for the tickler and horrible for the ticklee. Some consider it abuse.

Everyone on here says that. My dc beg to play tickles. One more time mummy/daddy! I’m not violating their boundaries.

I think it would be helpful for you to talk about this with someone professional.

Sometimes tickling can be abusive. Ex p knew I hated it but would pin me down & tickle me until I was hysterical. It's totally fine if the person being tickled likes it and wants it - and the person tickling stops the minute they're asked to.

As for kissing kids over six being 'yuck' - FFS, I kiss & hug my parents and I'm 52 this year.

Women have instincts for a reason, and we need to damn well trust them.

Sorry, no. This idea that instincts are always some mystical insight into the truth is a nonsense. Time after time after time we come across people - not least on the relationships boards here - who blindly follow their instincts into disaster. Too often it's an excuse for not bothering to apply basic logic.

I base my comments about how women should trust their instincts on my experience working in a safeguarding role in schools, not from reading the relationship board on here!

Female intuition is a real evolutionary trait.

I did actually say it was ok to kiss a child and I DID ask if it was more of a peck that was the problem. OP hasn't answered that. I stick by feeling uncomfortable with anything more than a peck in an older child. I'm sure we've all buried our faces in our babies and given them hundreds of little butterfly kisses. What the OP is implying is that what's she's seeing is something she's comfortable with.
For context, my DS has ASD. Physical contact was/has always been an issue and our way around it is to 'play'. For example, I may say 'can I have a kiss?' He'll then laugh and move away and I'll chase him - he is in fits of giggles and it's an absolute joy to see. I'm was never offended. I've seen his barriers come down over the years and he now see's a quick peck on the cheek as something entirely normal.

I used to struggle with seeing my DH being affectionate with our adopted DDs (now 11 and 8). It was because I was triggered as a result of being an SA survivor, along with my DSis, and the perpetrator was out F. So in our case, there was nothing untoward at all.

It isn't possible for us to tell you on a thread over the internet whether you have good reason for your anxiety. As others have said, sometimes our instincts are right and there is something wrong. (If only my DM had had such instincts. She had no idea what was happening under her nose. )

But it could also be that there's nothing untoward going on and your partner is just being a loving father.

Either way, you would benefit from processing this with a therapist. The way you are is no way for you to live.

Re tickling, I always hated it as a child and never felt able to ask for it not to happen. But it was part of an abusive relationship, with my F and other adults involved. In a heathy relationship between child and parent, there is no issue with tickling. My DD2 in particular loves it.

@changingmine

Hugs yes, tickling no. Tickling is fun for the tickler and horrible for the ticklee. Some consider it abuse.

This is very over oversimplified thinking. Tickling is only abusive if it's done against child's will and despite child asking to stop. My son loves tickling and he often ask me to do it but I'm very gentle and stop before he even has to ask me to stop. People's behaviours are much more nuanced and are not black and white.

From your other thread OP your DP repulses you and so you find him being affectionate towards your DD repulsive as well.

We have no idea though if it’s instincts or irrational anxiety.

The OP may not even know.

@changingmine

Hugs yes, tickling no. Tickling is fun for the tickler and horrible for the ticklee. Some consider it abuse.

I agree with that, could never bear being tickled but was otherwise affectionate,

The little girl will stop of her own free will as she gets older. As it is it is quite normal.

I feel that although this may not be the same thing at all, I should mention that I used to ask not to be taken to a relatives house because he used to hold me down and tickle me every time I was there. He was only a couple of years older than I was, and I was the only girl. Everyone dismissed this and said he did it because he liked me so much. When I was fourteen, he and his friends drugged me at a party and violently raped me. There was no point reporting this to family members because it would never have been believed of the golden child.

@DancesWithCatsnDogs

Over a certain age, I'm uncomfortable seeing it too OP. I'd say 6 is still ok. The cuddling and tickling is fine if it's not too OTT but kissing - yuck - but I'm assuming it's not a quick peck 'hello' etc. Around that age I' had to fight my DS for a cuddle (playfully - huge game for him which he enjoyed immensely) but I figure it was him finding his own self, his own boundaries, which is healthy. As a parent, you know when to stop treating them like babies. The fact you are concerned is all that matters, you are the one who is better placed to judge whether it's OTT.

This is incredibly sad. My children still love hugs and a game of chase and they're older than 6!

Is he kissing her on the mouth? If so I can understand why you'd be uncomfortable with that.

I think if you’re not feeling anything else untoward with their relationship then you have either had I very cold relationship with your own father or have suffered some abuse as a child. It is very normal for A little girl’s father to dote on her. If you are absolutely certain there is nothing else going on and your other half‘s intentions are innocent then I would recommend getting some therapy as unfortunately and I hate to say this but these feelings aren’t normal. Is this her biological father if not I can understand that could beSome concern

I am exactly like this with my son. He is almost 5, but still the cuddliest, ticklish-est, most affectionate little sunbeam and I cherish every moment we have, just cuddling, kisses and playing. Because it doesn't last forever.

I would definitely question why you are disturbed by this OP. Also, well done for reaching out and asking. You do need to get to the bottom of it.