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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out husband has cheated, we go on holiday tomorrow!

131 replies

Unknownn5 · 15/08/2020 19:09

I’ve today found out my husband has cheated with a girl from work. We’ve been together 12 years and have 2 children. He has said in the past he felt like something was missing between us, and I tried really hard to make him happy, I always felt that I tried harder to help our relationship and my efforts were knocked back a lot of the time. But, that said, the good outweighed the bad, and we get on great and our great parents to our two children. We were happy. Today I found out he cheated a couple of weeks ago, I seen a message on his lock screen when I moved his phone, it made me go funny and I asked him outright if he was cheating to which he said yes. Then he asked me what he wanted him to say. I said you could have started with sorry. I don’t even think he is sorry though. We’re meant to be going on holiday in the morning, we have two kids super excited and are totally packed and ready to go. I just don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk too, I’m not ready to admit this to anyone who knows us.

OP posts:
andweallsingalong · 15/08/2020 19:12

Can you ask him not to go or tell him to take the kids, but you're not going. Whichever you would prefer.

empiricallyyours · 15/08/2020 19:14

I agree, one of you take the children, don't go on holiday with him.

LouHotel · 15/08/2020 19:16

Can you go with the kids and relative/friend?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2020 19:16

What they both said. I’m sorry, what a shitter. Is he planning on leaving you for her? Do you want to end the marriage either way?

Whether you go and take the DC or he does you’ll have a few days to sort your head out.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/08/2020 19:19

One of you stay home, blame a sickness/ covid etc....also you can 100% tell someone in real life, you’ve done nothing wrong and deserve support Flowers

Gazelda · 15/08/2020 19:19

Don't go with him. Give yourself some space and time to think about what you want.

ClamDango · 15/08/2020 19:20

Where are you planning to go on holiday, do you have family or a friend to go with instead.

bubblebubblebubbletrouble · 15/08/2020 19:22

Can you just take the children alone??
Don't let his actions ruin yours & the children's holiday if you can help it.

Anordinarymum · 15/08/2020 19:23

@Unknownn5

I’ve today found out my husband has cheated with a girl from work. We’ve been together 12 years and have 2 children. He has said in the past he felt like something was missing between us, and I tried really hard to make him happy, I always felt that I tried harder to help our relationship and my efforts were knocked back a lot of the time. But, that said, the good outweighed the bad, and we get on great and our great parents to our two children. We were happy. Today I found out he cheated a couple of weeks ago, I seen a message on his lock screen when I moved his phone, it made me go funny and I asked him outright if he was cheating to which he said yes. Then he asked me what he wanted him to say. I said you could have started with sorry. I don’t even think he is sorry though. We’re meant to be going on holiday in the morning, we have two kids super excited and are totally packed and ready to go. I just don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk too, I’m not ready to admit this to anyone who knows us.
Well he's forfeited the right to go on holiday with you for starters..

Have your holiday and enjoy yourself and have time to think.

PicsInRed · 15/08/2020 19:23

I would send him with the kids and use the time to gather the paperwork to get a good idea of finances (if he exclusively runs this) and put your ducks in a row for leaving. See a good family solicitor during this time and potentially file for divorce and an occupation order on the house before he returns.

If you dont have you own bank accounts, open one. Do you have credit cards, mobile, and utilities in your own name? Do you have good credit? Do you work? Is your salary multipled by approximately 4.45 enough to remortgage the house? These will all be financial considerations over the coming months.

If you struggle to eat and sleep at this time, you may find a visit to the dr helpful - they can prescribe mild sedatives or antidepressants to get you through the worst. Of course, this is a personal choice - I personally found my feet faster with a full stomach and a good nights sleep each day. You'll need strength for the next part.

💐

thatplaceinjordan · 15/08/2020 19:28

💐
I'm sorry
Been there
You need some space so either he takes the kids or you do but you don't go together.
I'd let him take the kids so you can grieve without them being 'aware', get paperwork together and get some space.

Take care of you.

Dennysheart · 15/08/2020 19:30

I’d personally send him and the kids.

The fact he doesn’t seem sorry when you’ve found out says a lot. And the fact he’s been too lazy to put any effort in when he’s felt “something is missing” which sounds like a huge cop out.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 15/08/2020 19:31

He would be taking the kids.

Dontknowwhyidoit · 15/08/2020 19:32

I would make him take the kids on his own so that you can have time alone to process this information and go through your emotions without having to put a brave face on for the kids. As the other poster said, have a look at your financial situation so that you can make a plan for the future and feel more secure about what you are going to do.

FairiesWillFly · 15/08/2020 19:32

If it's a UK holiday I would probably go for the sake of the children. Keep it together. You can do it for the kids and LTB properly when you return. How long is the hol? You can tag team looking after the kids but he needs a separate bed.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 15/08/2020 19:34

Then, when he got back, his bags would be packed and he could go crash at his side chick's.

Bananabread8 · 15/08/2020 19:36

I would go and holiday with the kids. Tell him to stay at home. Then talk when you get back. It’s rather blunt the way he just admitted it straight out. If he was not happy he could have said so?

wobblywinelover · 15/08/2020 19:37

I think you should go with the kids and tell him he's not entitled to come on family time away as he's not loyal or trustworthy. Perhaps try to get a friend to join you in a day or so if they can't come there and then. Men get away with cheating because women don't want to rock the boat for family reasons. Rock his boat, in fact tip it right over, what an asshole so sorry OP

SqidgeBum · 15/08/2020 19:37

I agree with PPs. Let him take the kids and you have some headspace and time to secure some information on finances, legal advice etc. It may not come to separation but you need to protect yourself and your children if it does come to that. I certainly wouldnt be taking them myself and letting him continue his affair free as a bird while you are away.

Can I also add that your husband is a p*k

refusetobeasheep · 15/08/2020 19:39

Completely agree - day you are in no fit state to go on the holiday so he needs to take them in his own. then get a friend round, see a solicitor and get paperwork. His reaction suggests he's ready to walk.

TryAnotherNickname · 15/08/2020 19:40

I found out on the plane on the way to a surprise holiday I'd booked / paid for as a birthday present (with apologies to the people in the seats in front). In your shoes, I'd say send him wtih the kids and use the time to think /plan/ prepare. Feel free to PM me if you wish. Big hug

refusetobeasheep · 15/08/2020 19:42

and i'm so so sorry, you deserve so much better than this

MaudebeGonne · 15/08/2020 19:42

Send him and the children, tell him you need some time alone to get your head round things. I would not be fit to take the children by myself in this situation as I would be so upset, and would imagine that he would be happily spending his time with the girlfriend. Let him get used to minding the children without you there.

Sorry, he is an absolute dick.

RoadworksAgain · 15/08/2020 19:43

I would tell him he's going on holiday with the kids while you stay at home to work out how you want this to proceed.

How old are they?

Pr1mr0se · 15/08/2020 19:56

I am saddened by the number of people on here saying 'stay at home'. Why should you miss out on a holiday because he made one mistake? Go on holiday and make it clear you need to talk about it sensibly. Don't run for the hills without at least talking it through calmly.