Found out husband has cheated, we go on holiday tomorrow!

[Unknownn5]

I’ve today found out my husband has cheated with a girl from work. We’ve been together 12 years and have 2 children. He has said in the past he felt like something was missing between us, and I tried really hard to make him happy, I always felt that I tried harder to help our relationship and my efforts were knocked back a lot of the time. But, that said, the good outweighed the bad, and we get on great and our great parents to our two children. We were happy. Today I found out he cheated a couple of weeks ago, I seen a message on his lock screen when I moved his phone, it made me go funny and I asked him outright if he was cheating to which he said yes. Then he asked me what he wanted him to say. I said you could have started with sorry. I don’t even think he is sorry though. We’re meant to be going on holiday in the morning, we have two kids super excited and are totally packed and ready to go. I just don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk too, I’m not ready to admit this to anyone who knows us.

[Alwaysinpain]

Leave him at home! He can sit on the naughty step and contemplate his actions. You get a lovely holiday with your kids (take his credit card perhaps?!)

Sod him! His actions, his consequences

[PicsInRed]

@ComeOnBridgett

Why does everyone always say leave / get divorced / get your ducks in row!!!

Ffs!!!!!

Cheating doesn't always mean the end.

It's the end. The only question is whether you'll continue to live together and put on a good front. You may even be able to forge some sort of new, aftertimes, relationship.

But what came before it is definitely over. It ended with betrayal.

[Justaboy]

Maybe you ought to go on holliday and with him and in a different setting on nutrual ground talk to each other and ask him if he wants to try to work though it, are there any changes you can make, can you salvage it?, is it worth salvaging?.

Was this a one off affair with a young woman from work or is there more to to it than that?.

Then decide what you both want to do for better or for divorce!.

Such a pity for the poor children involved:(

[Smallsteps88]

Cheating doesn't always mean the end.

Only a cheat would say that.

[tarasmalatarocks]

Cheating may not always mean the end but it’s often the end of a relationship in a100% ‘in ‘ kind of way. There’s always that jiggle about them in the back of your brain

[RustyLeesBogBrush]

I am sorry you have found yourself in this awful situation OP. You have done nothing wrong, this is all him. Don’t let him gaslight you or tell you there has always been something missing. Don’t let him blame your marriage problems. Maybe you are both responsible for those problems but he is 100% responsible for making the choice to cheat.

I agree with others you should not go on your holiday. You do deserve your holiday but I suspect it will be fraught with tension a good portion of the time. You don’t need that right now - you need support. Do you have any friends or family you can turn to? He will be banking on you not telling anyone.

I would not leave him in the house as he will see the OW. Do not make the mistake of doing the ‘pick me’ dance. You are better than that, you have repeatedly tried to fix issues in your marriage and he has thrown that back in your face.

Spend your time getting support for what you need to do going forwards, but sort out your financial situation. Get everything together and put all your paperwork in a safe place or with a friend.

If you decide to go on your holiday and want to work through this, then tell him he needs to go no contact immediately with the other woman. Obviously work will be an issue but he needs to send a message now to her saying it is over for good then give you full access to his phone, computer - passwords etc. If he is unwilling to do any of that then you will know he has no remorse and is not worth fighting for.

[justilou1]

I would let him take the kids and I would spend the week collating copies of all the important paperwork like bank statements, phone statements (both names) mortgage or rent documents, car payment details, business details, tax statements, passwords to all computers (to look for hidden bank accounts) email addresses, screen shots of messages, all valuables, original birth and marriage certificates as well as passports I would take out of the house in a great big file and store somewhere he wouldn’t suspect (Even if you pay for secure storage.) Just in case you decide you want to divorce him. Also let’s him know that he doesn’t have the power. I am not the forgiving sort.

[CJsGoldfish]

I'd either take the kids and go on holiday or send him with the children. Going together really just says you're willing to compromise or look past it in some form.
I also don't get the "don't leave him at home" school of thought. At this point, now that it's out in the open, it's up to him to show the OP which direction he wants to go. If he continues to see the OW of his own free will now that he knows his secret is out and his wife is devastated, then he's not sorry and he's not going to stop regardless.
Why should the OP be the one who has to put the work in to 'keep' him? It is HIS decisions now that will set the course for the future.

[Harriedharriet]

@Unknownn5

Thankyou everyone for your replies. The children are 9 and 6, and were off to Cornwall so it’s easier that it’s in this country. I’m still undecided what to do regarding the holiday, as I can see the benefits of me not going while they do, but then I don’t see why I should miss out on A holiday because of his actions and choices. I’ve (like everyone) have been stuck at home since March so was so looking forward to time away and I don’t see why I should miss out on special times with my children. It’s just such a mess, this years been bad enough already and I was so looking forward to the holiday and then getting back to normal in September with going back to work (I work as support staff in a school) and the kids back to school. Thanks again everyone xx

He is so callous to you OP. You have experienced cruelty.

I know you were looking forward to a break. However, it is worth considering not going but sending him. If he does not go you will know that he is out messing around, may have women back to your home, will indulge in the "single" life, and then will be nice and contrite by the time you come home. He will whisper his deep love and groveling apologies ....until the next time.
If you have a break from all of the demands of young children you will have a shot of thinking through what YOU want. Without any of the fractured thinking or mind clutter that a lot of us women have while managing wants and needs of others.
Good luck op.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'd send him off with the kids. I know lockdown has been rough, but I wouldn't have a good time on holiday having to see his lying, cheating face and having to play 'happy families' in order to to keep the kids in the dark.

I'd rather come up with an excuse for the kids and stay home where it will be quiet and calm. Where I can be alone to think, really think. And I can call friends and family and talk freely without being overheard. And get my ducks in a row and hopefully see a solicitor. I'd want to get myself educated as to what divorce might mean to me.

[ChumpsUnite06]

I'm confused as in Jan of this year you were engaged, then in May he was just your partner and you had 3 kids, and now you're married with 2 kids?

[Porkchops22]

@Justaboy

Maybe you ought to go on holliday and with him and in a different setting on nutrual ground talk to each other and ask him if he wants to try to work though it, are there any changes you can make, can you salvage it?, is it worth salvaging?.

Was this a one off affair with a young woman from work or is there more to to it than that?.

Then decide what you both want to do for better or for divorce!.

Such a pity for the poor children involved:(

Any changes you can make???

[ItsLateHumpty]

talk to each other and ask him if he wants to try to work though it
I rather think ‘D’H should have done the talking, before he did the shagging. OP has already tried, not realising it was a ‘competition’, and I rather think it’s her choice if she wants to work through it.

are there any changes you can make
I’m assuming you mis-typed here and meant to ask what changes he could make if OP wants to stay with him.

Was this a one off affair with a young woman from work or is there more to to it than that?
Irrelevant really isn’t it? And do you really think this accomplished liar is going to fess up now?

Then decide what you both want to do for better or for divorce!
Again, he’s made his decision, while balls deep in a.n.other. OPs field now.

Such a pity for the poor children involved
Yes, it’s bloody awful and a pity their shitty father didn’t consider any of his family, or the consequences of his amoral behavior.

No marriage has to last forever, people fall out of love, but a principled person who at least respected their spouse and cared about their children wouldn't be so duplicitous, and would end the primary relationship before embarking on another.

OP - I’m sorry your husband has put you in this situation. Try and make time and space to breath and think.

[Daph73]

Seems pretty silly to be going on holiday during a pandemic. Beggars belief. Think you are headed for a divorce. You’ll be better off without a cheat in your life.

[MsDogLady]

OP, you have invested so much energy into your relationship while your H’s focus has been elsewhere.

Is this the same female colleague you wrote about several months ago? During lockdown they were constantly messaging, but he told you she was just a friend. He spent more time texting her than he did speaking to you.

Whether this is the same or a new OW, it sounds like he has been acting like a single man for quite a while and is unremorseful for his infidelity and disloyalty. You and the children deserve better than this faithless man who is willing to shatter his family.

[Dontletitbeyou]

I’m so sorry OP . I can’t imagine how you are feeling right now .
I think the fact that the message came up on his lock screen means one thing , he definitely wanted you to see it If he was trying to keep it a secret he would have all notifications turned off ( as is often seen here).
He’s trying to make you see for yourself what’s going on , most likely kick him out , so he can play the victim , and move onto OW.
You deserve so much better as do your children .
You want to get away , you’ve been looking forward to it , if I was you I’d lay it out for him. You and the kids go , he stays home . If he refuses I’d tell him, in no uncertain terms , you are going to tell everyone what’s been going on , family , friends , his workplace ( often relationships within the workplace aren’t encouraged), everyone . Let everyone know what a cheating piece of shit he is .
Go and enjoy your holiday as much as you can , when you get back decide what you want to do

[kateemo]

I wish you the best. You are in a trying moment. Be kind to yourself. You are the most important consideration right now.

[IveGotFrills]

Do what's right for you OP. Being on holiday might give you both time to talk, more so than if you were at home perhaps.

[SoulofanAggron]

Seems pretty silly to be going on holiday during a pandemic. Beggars belief.

We are allowed to travel now, I know of others who have been on holiday to Cornwall. It's not unusual, let alone 'beggars belief.'

It's actually assisting with what we're supposed to be doing now, helping to boost the economy and the hospitality industry.

We're allowed to have some fun now.

And what a strange thing to do, to have a go and pick at the OP for something unrelated, which you are wrong about anyway.

[VinylDetective]

@Smallsteps88

Cheating doesn't always mean the end.

Only a cheat would say that.

No they wouldn’t. I’ve never cheated but it’s not a deal breaker for me.

[Smallsteps88]

That’s sad. You should value yourself more.

[VinylDetective]

@Smallsteps88

That’s sad. You should value yourself more.

If that was to me, it’s not sad and I value myself plenty. I grew up in a culture where sexual fidelity wasn’t of great significance, there are far worse things my bloke could do than fuck someone else. I realise people much younger than me don’t see it the same way 🤷‍♀️

[Smallsteps88]

Ooh a condescending age dig.

[Smallsteps88]

there are far worse things my bloke could do than fuck someone else.

Oh that’s alright then. As long as he doesn’t do the really bad thing, anything else is fine.

[VinylDetective]

@Smallsteps88

Ooh a condescending age dig.

It’s condescending to be old? Seriously?