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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out husband has cheated, we go on holiday tomorrow!

131 replies

Unknownn5 · 15/08/2020 19:09

I’ve today found out my husband has cheated with a girl from work. We’ve been together 12 years and have 2 children. He has said in the past he felt like something was missing between us, and I tried really hard to make him happy, I always felt that I tried harder to help our relationship and my efforts were knocked back a lot of the time. But, that said, the good outweighed the bad, and we get on great and our great parents to our two children. We were happy. Today I found out he cheated a couple of weeks ago, I seen a message on his lock screen when I moved his phone, it made me go funny and I asked him outright if he was cheating to which he said yes. Then he asked me what he wanted him to say. I said you could have started with sorry. I don’t even think he is sorry though. We’re meant to be going on holiday in the morning, we have two kids super excited and are totally packed and ready to go. I just don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk too, I’m not ready to admit this to anyone who knows us.

OP posts:
Immigrantsong · 15/08/2020 20:29

OP I am so sorry this happened to you.

Could you take the kids and a friend or family member joins you?

This way you could talk and process what happened. Or he takes the kids and you speak to someone and make a decision whilst he is gone.

I am so sorry again and I wish you all the best.

Dontbeme · 15/08/2020 20:31

Send him with the DC, if you go you will be in mum mode running about after them all (including him) and will have no time to yourself to think.

Use his time away to sort legal advice, financial advice and counseling for yourself. You may never have to use that information but better ready and informed.

He is already miles ahead of you with this, you don't need to let him get further ahead. Be honest OP if you went with the DC would you be able to relax, or would you be thinking he is seeing this woman, maybe even having her in your home?

AmandaHoldensLips · 15/08/2020 20:32

Send HIM and the kids on holiday.
That'll give him a dose of what it will be like when he has them EOW.
You need time to think.

ClamDango · 15/08/2020 20:32

You could go on holiday yourself with the dc, how old are they? but while you're away he could well see OW. My ex did this and gave her a front door key!
Or you pack his bags, tell him to go tonight, tell him to explain to the children that the holiday has been ruined because he has upset mummy.
If he fucks off tonight and you decide you would still like to go away then have you got family who could move into your house for a few days to keep an eye on the place.

Trustarch · 15/08/2020 20:34

He has rubbish timing OP. You must be all over the place. What do you WANT to do?

cheerup · 15/08/2020 20:40

This happened to me last year a week before a holiday abroad. I took the kids. He didn't come. Please don't keep this to yourself. Tell at least one friend so that you have some support. It is not your fault, there is no shame on you and he needs to live with the consequences of his actions. I would almost guarantee that if you brush this under the carpet, he will do it again.

slatternissima · 15/08/2020 21:00

Completely disagree with those saying 'tell him to take the kids'. Why would you want to be without your children, just because your husband has done something shitty? I'd be the one taking the children away, and telling the husband he was no longer welcome to come. I'd tell the children that Daddy isn't well so can't come with us (I'm assuming your DC are under 12, OP, as that's how long you have been married - but may of course be wrong).

Failing that, I'd still go with him, but only as a charade. I'd make it clear to him that this is what it was, and that you are merely postponing the fallout for another week.

Hell would have frozen over before I let a week go by without my children, when they were younger.

So many people on MN say "see - it'll show the bastard how awful it will be for him when he has the DC EOW". But as I am sure you know, OP, the only thing that matters is your children. It's weird, thinking that any parent would regard being with their own children as a punishment.

I didn't leave my bastard XH sooner because I didn't want to be handing the DC over to him EOW. That wouldn't have been in their interests. His interests and concerns were completely irrelevant to me. Your husband needs to become an irrelevance to you, OP. He has not merited being anything other than that.

Gingaaarghpussy · 15/08/2020 21:08

I went on holiday with my parents after my mother dropped the "im leaving you" bomb to my dad. It was hell, so much bitterness and arguments that I heard. Horrible experience. I had never heard them arguing until then.
When I tried to escape the atmosphere by going for a walk my mother went apeshit because I didn't tell her. I couldn't get lost and we weren't in a place that had dangers lurking round every corner.
That is one holiday I will never forget and it was over 30 years ago.

Newbiehere123 · 15/08/2020 21:08

First of all big hugs to you and I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you. It's not your fault. Secondly, let him take the kids and you stay only because if you go, he will use this opportunity to get together with the ow, so just stay. Call someone you trust, if you can please get some legal advice and use this time alone to gather more information about the next steps. Cry, let your hair down when his gone with the kids and use this time to decide what you want to do. You are not in the right state of mind to go on holiday right now and you can ruin it for the kids. Just let him take the kids and you sleep on it to decide what you want.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/08/2020 21:08

I think it's probably best the holiday is off. Unless you DO want to send him with the children to keep him occupied while you think of what to do and clear the house of all valuables get your ducks in a row. But I don't think you should go without him. How on earth can you have an ok time thinking of whether he's with her, planning, getting HIS financials tied up while you're away, even bringing her back to yours?!

You can't go I think.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2020 21:11

I would not be holidaying with him.

I would not be leaving my home with him behind, wondering if he was bringing her to my bed .

That leaves him taking the children on holiday without you. Least worst choice rather than best; but the only one I could stomach.

Whilst he's away with his children, I'd be telling friends and family and getting support from them. Use the time he's not in your face to think about how you want your future to be. Talk it through with friends you trust to tell you the truth and not just what they think you want to hear. Assemble any paperwork you might need if you decide to divorce him.

I'm so sorry Sad.

SoulofanAggron · 15/08/2020 21:12

It's weird, thinking that any parent would regard being with their own children as a punishment.

I don't have kids but I imagine being with kids mightn't be a punishment, but it is often a kind of work.

In OP's shoes I wouldn't want to be doing that on top of all she's thinking and feeling right now, but it depends what she prefers the sound of I suppose.

BBCONEANDTWO · 15/08/2020 21:12

You can't go - and I would probably get him to go away with the kids so you can get time to sort things out - this Is absolutely terrible. Plus (and this is vindictive of me) I wouldn't leave him home alone so he can go and shag his new girlfriend.

So sorry you're going through this my heart bleeds for you - this is absolutely awful.

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 15/08/2020 21:18

I had a friend who had this. She got her best friend to go with her and left him at home. It wasn't the best idea. She often looks back and wishes she had got the house valued, solicitor etc.

However, I would send him and the children and I would get my ducks sorted and lined up.
Wanker.

TheCatsLastRevenge · 15/08/2020 21:20

I'd also be sending him with the children. OP, I'd take that time for myself to process and do all the things others have suggested.

Going away with the children is not a 'punishment' no, but a chance for you to have solo space and a break while he takes on the 'wifework' for a week.

I wouldn't be leaving him at home to do whatever he fancies.

GameSetMatch · 15/08/2020 21:30

Go on holiday without him, I wouldn’t let him go, you’ll end up sitting at home wallowing and feeling sad. The kids are what matter now, make sure they have a great holiday.

BlogTheBlogger · 15/08/2020 21:34

Why should you miss out on a holiday because he made one mistake?

OP hasnt said it was a "mistake", and her H hasnt said sorry, so HE obviously doesnt think it is a mistake. So why are you calling an affair a mistake? A mistake is calling someone the wrong name/putting sugar in coffee when someone does want it etc etc

I think it is just a tad more serious than a "mistake" fgs

TheCatsLastRevenge · 15/08/2020 21:45

Tbh, I'd be too distracted to enjoy the holiday and, having been through this, I know that it was difficult enough just functioning in those early days.

Being 'trapped' away from home without the headspace to process, knowing that he could have been doing anything at home (including removing things from the house), whilst having the added pressure of making sure the children still enjoyed themselves, would have sent me over the edge.

Obviously, people respond differently to these situations but I wonder how many people suggesting she takes the children away and enjoys the holiday have experienced this?

Staffy1 · 15/08/2020 21:45

@GameSetMatch

Go on holiday without him, I wouldn’t let him go, you’ll end up sitting at home wallowing and feeling sad. The kids are what matter now, make sure they have a great holiday.
I agree. Concentrate on your happiness above what would be worse for him. People saying don't leave him at home to do as he wants - stuff what he wants or doesn't want at the moment, don't waste your energy caring one way or another, rather think what you want and what's best for you and your children. Don't lose out on anything because of him.
BrimfulOfBaba · 15/08/2020 21:51

Sending you love, OP. I agree with PP it might be best for him to take the kids while you regroup. But whatever you decide, I'm just sorry you are going through this. What an absolute bastard. You deserve much more than this. Flowers

VinylDetective · 15/08/2020 22:02

@Iooselipssinkships

It's easy for us all to say go alone or send him with the children but if you are going to continue as planned use it as middle ground to talk about what happened and decide on what it is you want to do going forward. Have him take off with the kids while you get plenty of me time and space to think.
Most sensible post on the thread. Do you want to end your marriage, OP? Whatever course of action you take depends on the answer to that question.
Tistheseason17 · 15/08/2020 22:10

Sorry, OP. I really feel for you Flowers

billy1966 · 15/08/2020 22:15

No holiday.

Can you send himon holiday with the children while you regroup.

I would not give him a holiday from family life which is exactly what he'd love....twat.

Bananabread8 · 15/08/2020 22:20

@TheCatsLastRevenge

Tbh, I'd be too distracted to enjoy the holiday and, having been through this, I know that it was difficult enough just functioning in those early days.

Being 'trapped' away from home without the headspace to process, knowing that he could have been doing anything at home (including removing things from the house), whilst having the added pressure of making sure the children still enjoyed themselves, would have sent me over the edge.

Obviously, people respond differently to these situations but I wonder how many people suggesting she takes the children away and enjoys the holiday have experienced this?

I think it’s wrong of you to be questioning posters like this. Have you been through every situation you have offered advice to someone on MN? Obviously we are just trying to advise OP (it’s pretty shit of OPs hubby) there’s not a lot OP can do or that posters can suggest.

I haven’t experienced this exactly but when I was heartbroken I booked a holiday for me and my toddler and it did me the world of good!

YourWinter · 15/08/2020 22:22

I wouldn't go on holiday and leave him with the house to himself - you wouldn't know if he's staying with her, or she's in your bed. If he takes the kids away on holiday, at least he won't be seeing her but will have plenty of opportunity for texting and calls once they're asleep. Do you want to save the marriage? Does he? Couples can get over adultery - although you can forgive, but you can never forget. And he'll do it again.

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