Found out husband has cheated, we go on holiday tomorrow!

[Unknownn5]

I’ve today found out my husband has cheated with a girl from work. We’ve been together 12 years and have 2 children. He has said in the past he felt like something was missing between us, and I tried really hard to make him happy, I always felt that I tried harder to help our relationship and my efforts were knocked back a lot of the time. But, that said, the good outweighed the bad, and we get on great and our great parents to our two children. We were happy. Today I found out he cheated a couple of weeks ago, I seen a message on his lock screen when I moved his phone, it made me go funny and I asked him outright if he was cheating to which he said yes. Then he asked me what he wanted him to say. I said you could have started with sorry. I don’t even think he is sorry though. We’re meant to be going on holiday in the morning, we have two kids super excited and are totally packed and ready to go. I just don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk too, I’m not ready to admit this to anyone who knows us.

[blackandwhite2020]

OP bless your soul, how awful! I'm sure you've thought long and hard since finding this out and posting on here. I hope you're okay!
Honestly, if it were me I think I'd be in such shock I'd be on autopilot and prob still go on holiday as normal, not sure if that's right, I just know me and I'd be carrying on trying to get through the day

Keep us posted, rooting for ya x

[sooveritalready]

From this point onwards do what YOU want.

I personally would take the children on my own and tell them this is how it's going to from now on.

But if you want do something else, you do that. He's been awful to you, sorry to say doesn't sound like he cares much.

You can still both be great parents to your children but you don't need to feel this way.

Sorry OP, hope you're ok after such a horrible shock.

[SlightlyJaded]

What do you want to do OP?
What is your heart/head/gut saying?

Do that.

If you feel like you want to be home alone, thinking and processing - or perhaps getting your shit together (and his OUT), then do that.

If you want to go away with the kids, do that.

If you want to go away and fake it with him for a week, do that.

My only word of advice would be don't let him rush you into any decisions if you are away together. Being on holiday isn't the real world. Wait till you are home and give yourself time to think. Also if there is ANY chance that he would see a week of you and the kids away as an opportunity to engage in a shagaton with the OW, then I'd think twice about that option.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

[TheCatsLastRevenge]

I think it’s wrong of you to be questioning posters like this. Have you been through every situation you have offered advice to someone on MN? Obviously we are just trying to advise OP (it’s pretty shit of OPs hubby) there’s not a lot OP can do or that posters can suggest.

Tbf, I don't offer 'advice' on here. I share my experiences generally in case the OP can take something from that to help themselves.

I haven't questioned other people's 'advice', per se. I have reflected on my own similar experience and how I felt. And shared how i would handle this situation based upon that.

No one is required to take any notice of it but sometimes that is easier to process than a lot of people imagining how they would react telling you what to do when they dont know the OP.

People telling her to put the children first and talk of seeing time spent with them as a punishment is unfair.

[PoodlesOnPatrol]

I am so sorry OP it must be heart breaking and I do sympathies with what you are going through. It’s easy to say but do you think you could forgive him? Do you want to forgive him? Also do you think you could use the holiday together to talk? Kids in the kids clubs and you get a few hours with no interruptions to just get everything out in the open.
Honestly I would not feel comfortable going on holidays with the kids thinking the whole time I’d be there if they were shagging in my bed.
But you need to do what’s best for you that’s the most important bit.
Good luck!

[Gingaaarghpussy]

We even had a buffer of friends, who were like grandparents to me.
It was like: mother and lady partner at the bottom of the garden in a tent, the substitute grandparents in a tent, further up and the rest of us in the house.
The atmosphere was horrible, nobody enjoyed that holiday.
The "kids" were 16, 17, 18 and 19 at the time.

[essexmum777]

'It’s easy to say but do you think you could forgive him? Do you want to forgive him?' he hasn't asked for forgiveness and isn't sorry though.

[Unknownn5]

Thankyou everyone for your replies. The children are 9 and 6, and were off to Cornwall so it’s easier that it’s in this country. I’m still undecided what to do regarding the holiday, as I can see the benefits of me not going while they do, but then I don’t see why I should miss out on A holiday because of his actions and choices. I’ve (like everyone) have been stuck at home since March so was so looking forward to time away and I don’t see why I should miss out on special times with my children. It’s just such a mess, this years been bad enough already and I was so looking forward to the holiday and then getting back to normal in September with going back to work (I work as support staff in a school) and the kids back to school. Thanks again everyone xx

[Chucklecheeks01]

Those telling the OP to go on holiday... have you been through this yourself? I could hardly function. I managed to hold the basics together for the children. That was with support from family and friends. I could think of nothing worse than it to have happened when I was away from my home and support network.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

I wouldn’t leave him home alone. I’d be too worried about what I’d come home to. If he’d had her there the whole time I was away. A change of locks. All my stuff bagged up.
You need to stay at home to maintain some control over the situation. Think about what you want to do next. Don’t give him the time and opportunity to make that decision for you.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Sounds nuts but if you go, the least bad option is for him to go too.

You'll drive yourself mad wondering what he's up to if you don't, you'll be fuming all week waiting to have it out with him, and there's always the risk he'll get one step ahead with bailing out while you're gone - worst case scenario.

[Bananabread8]

@TheCatsLastRevenge My main point was people are just trying to help OP. We don’t have much info. But to be honest if you re read OPs post again the husbands response was pretty bleak.... everyone is assuming does she want to make it work. From my understanding it’s OP that’s needs to ask him that!! “What do you want me to say”.

There’s not a lot of options here weather you have actually experienced this or not and a lot of us have been cheated on just because it may not have been the exact example OP stated.

[BeaUnder]

So sorry OP. What a tosser. If it only happened a few weeks ago, is it still on going ?

[HollowTalk]

Something similar happened to me, though I found out when we were on holiday. OP, I would go on holiday with the children but tell him he couldn't come with us. I'd get all my documents and anything that's personally valuable and leave it with a friend before going.

I'm really sorry for you - it's such a shit situation.

[PicsInRed]

This guy obviously doesn't give a fuck anymore - he's as checked out as a man can be. He also wanted to get caught. The worst case scenario here isn't that he sees the OW whilst OP is gone or even that he has the OW in their marital bed - the worst case scenario is that he moves the OW into the family home and changes the locks.

This is why she needs to stay home.

[MadameMeursault]

@FizzyGreenWater

Sounds nuts but if you go, the least bad option is for him to go too.

You'll drive yourself mad wondering what he's up to if you don't, you'll be fuming all week waiting to have it out with him, and there's always the risk he'll get one step ahead with bailing out while you're gone - worst case scenario.

I agree with this.

You shouldn’t miss out on your holiday and quality time with your kids OP, but I wouldn’t trust him at home. If you can find a way of it working, maybe all of you still go on holiday?

So sorry this has happened to you

[Gingaaarghpussy]

Whatever you decide do what you want. Ignore him and enjoy your holiday.

[lborgia]

How long is the holiday? Send him with the kids, and then get the train down there / hire a car and tag team, with him coming home again. That will give you a week perhaps to get your game face on.

You must be in shock, Idon’t think you’re going to enjoy this holiday much if you go.

[caringcarer]

What @picsinred said. Use the time he takes kids on holidays to get ducks in a row. Grab best solicitor. Sort your head out and seek support from friends and family. You have done nothing wrong. Work out how much you would have to live on without him. It's hard but it is what I did. I kicked out cheating ex and best thing I ever did as later I met current DH who makes me much happier than ex ever did and is romantic and loving always spoiling me. I shudder when I think I almost relented and took him back.

[Everyonetakeiteasy]

With the shock of it all don't think you should go on hols. Stay home. Have late mornings with croissants and coffee. Treat yourself while planning your next move. Order takeaways and have TV on with the holiday/travel channel while you get yourself together. You can always join them a few days later if you need to. He'll do the work, you'll have your own time. Be kind to yourself. And get angry putting everything in order

[granadagirl]

Can you actually look at him? Talk to him?
Then what do you think it would be like around him 24/7 could you do it? Play happy families?

Can you drive yourself there? If so
Go with the kids, space away from him
But take what personal documents you need
Tell him he’s not staying in the house, and get his keys

[CoronaIsShit]

Wow this is so tough OP. I can see the merits of you staying at home but I really wouldn’t want the H alone with the DC at this point. He could invite the OW to join them if it’s only Cornwall! At the very least he could try to manipulate the DC to being on his side so I think you should go.

You could cry off any activities if you’re not up to it by telling the DC you’re ill and letting the H take them. Use that time to cry and rage .At least while you’re there with them you have some control over what’s going on. Sleep with the DC, be cool and calm, ignore the cunt as much as possible. Whatever needs to be done to salvage the holiday for the DC. Then deal with him when you get back.

No way would I tell him not to come. Leaving him at home to enjoy his family free time with OW and get himself sorted while you’re all away would be a mistake (fucking another woman is not a ‘mistake’). As a PP said, no way would I give him the opportunity to have her in my home!

Make an appointment with a solicitor for when you get back. Make a plan for getting your ducks in a row while DC are in bed and hit the ground running when you get back.

[granadagirl]

If you can’t drive, send him with the kids
And you get your thoughts together and some thinking time

[Smallsteps88]

Personally I would tell him to take the Dc on holiday. You won’t enjoy it at all if you take them. You’ll be exhausted from the mental energy processing this takes. I think you should stay home, get lots of rest for dealing with this when he gets back, talk to whoever your support people are (mum/sister/friend) try and work out what you want to happen- divorce/work through it/ temporary separation and then get your practical ducks in a row - solicitor, finances, important documents etc.

[ComeOnBridgett]

Why does everyone always say leave / get divorced / get your ducks in row!!!

Ffs!!!!!

Cheating doesn't always mean the end.