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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve just upset my mum, am I wrong?

108 replies

Alwaysupsettingsomeone · 05/08/2020 13:02

So I’ve just been speaking to my neighbours, telling them about a difficult situation I’m in. They were just interested and I’m not embarrassed talking about it.

I’ve come into my mums house next door and she has said what are you telling them about your problems, you shouldn’t let people know your business.

My mum is the sort of person who tells know one nothing, she has no friends. I said I don’t have have a problem talking to people. She said as long as you are happy with them knowing everything about you (I haven’t told them everything) I said that I am happy otherwise I wouldn’t have spoken to them. I told her I’m not like her, I don’t sit on my own in my house by myself all day complaining about everyone in the street. I talk to people and my neighbours, your never know sometimes people can help you or visa versa.

Was I rude? I’m annoyed as she made me feel like I’d done something wrong and now she isnt speaking to me. I’m 35 by the way.

OP posts:
Fedup25 · 05/08/2020 13:03

Does the situation involve her? If its your business then it's up to you who you share it with.

IWantT0BreakFree · 05/08/2020 13:06

I guess you were a little harsh but it's not surprising that you snapped. Sounds a bit like my mum tbh. She has very strong views on things (she also thinks you should keep everything private and she's also very negative - maybe we are sisters 😂) and thinks she has the right to voice her disapproval when her children make perfectly normal and acceptable choices that just don't align with her very specific ways of doing things. I can imagine myself snapping at my mum too, and have done so on many occasions. Any rudeness on your behalf pales into insignificance in comparison to her rudeness in judging you and trying to control your behaviour.

bedjolly · 05/08/2020 13:13

I can understand that she's most likely trying to protect you seeing as she's is your mum. However, your business is your business and you can tell whoever you like as long as they're not just nosey neighbours wanting to gossip. It is quite childish that she isn't talking to you because of what you said though. If she doesn't want to speak to people that's fine but she can't tell other people what to do. Hope this all gets sorted out for you.

Original poster
Alwaysupsettingsomeone · 05/08/2020 13:21

My mum taught me never to tell anyone anything even when I was struggling I kept it too myself. It’s her terrible mothering that’s caused my current problem. (Leaving my husband). She lacks empathy, she picks on everything you do wrong, I’m not allowed to do wrong things. But I’m human I make mistakes. I think she is embarrassed that I told her neighbours something. Embarrassed that I’m a walking mistake, so I snapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysupsettingsomeone · 05/08/2020 13:22

She said are you happy with them all talking about you and laughing. They were being kind and offering solutions, not everyone is horrible.

OP posts:
Couchbettato · 05/08/2020 13:31

Pffft. I'd tell her to mind her own biz, and leave her to sulk it off.

RainbowFlowers · 05/08/2020 13:34

Well done for fighting your corner. Its really bad for anyones mental health to keep everything inside particularly when you are struggling with something.
Probably the reason she is so negative is because she let's things fester inside and then has to get out her unpleasant mood somewhere so complains about silly details.

It sounds like you held your boundaries by explaining to her why its OK for you to share with your neighbours. I also think you are entitles to snap at her as you were annoyed.

Mangofandangoo · 05/08/2020 13:37

Sorry OP but it does sounds like you were a little harsh, regardless of the situation

Original poster
Alwaysupsettingsomeone · 05/08/2020 13:39

I’ve know these neighbours since I was 5 years old so they know me and I’m pretty sure were genuinely concerned. I’ve left my aggressive husband, it’s took a lot of strength and I just wanted to speak to someone as I can’t speak to my mum. I think she is ashamed of me.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/08/2020 13:42

Well done OP!

Nest step is to move away from toxic Mum Flowers

FingersCrossedForAllOfUs · 05/08/2020 13:43

I can understand your frustration OP and I can relate to how you are feeling from personal experience.
If you are happy to share things that are personal to you that is your choice.

Why does your Mum assume they will be talking about you and laughing? She is most likely projecting her negative life experiences and opinions onto you.
I think you were right to say something to her, I would have too.
And you are not a 'walking mistake' don't let her put you down. Call her out on it each and every time.

Original poster
Alwaysupsettingsomeone · 05/08/2020 13:45

I think I got triggered because my husband also didn’t like me talking to anyone. I think my husband and my mum are the same. I was always an open and honest person, the black sheep in my family, the overly sensitive one. But I’m starting to think it was them who had the distrustful issues.

OP posts:
FingersCrossedForAllOfUs · 05/08/2020 13:47

I also just wanted to say I'm so glad you left your abusive husband, it shows how much strength and courage you have to do this. Keep your head held high and keep moving forward positively. As a PP said try and distance yourself from your Mum. You don't need the constant negativity around you.
Flowers

Original poster
Alwaysupsettingsomeone · 05/08/2020 13:48

I don’t have a dad either so it was nice to speak to a “dad” next door. He said he could make a few phone calls if I need help with my husband, as a joke but meaning it also. I was feeling a bit scared in case my husband comes for me here. I came in and told my mum as a joke that he “knew” people to deal with my husband and then she started!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2020 13:50

Its not you, its your mother. Her attitudes and general demeanor towards you likely played a large part in you being with your abusive H in the first place. Am therefore glad he got his marching orders.

Would suggest you now put more mental and physical distance now between you and she. You may find reading and or posting on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread helpful to you also.

sunshinesheila · 05/08/2020 13:50

Well done for leaving your husband and a unpleasant situation. Do not be embarrassed. You should be proud of that, it can be very hard.

You talk to the neighbours and anyone else you want. It wouldn't even occur to me that someone would be laughing at you for that!? Not everyone is horrible. Yes sure some people are, but you have known them all your life, you would surely have noticed by then if they were cruel and bitchy. After all you have noticed this in your mother!!

RedNun · 05/08/2020 13:51

No, you were absolutely right, OP. There's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in leaving an abusive or unhappy relationship. My mother would agree with yours, and be of the opinion that you don't speak about your own affairs in public, but then my mother has never had a proper friendship in her life, and has never figured out that this is because she only chooses to be around people she perceives as vulnerable/ill/ unlucky etc because she thinks they 'need' her, and just nods along to their tales of woe without putting anything of herself out there at all. As a result, people tend to think of her as an invisible care provider, which makes her very bitter, because she thinks they 'owe' her something.

sadpapercourtesan · 05/08/2020 13:52

No, you're not in the wrong. You stood up for yourself. It's not "harsh" to push back against someone who is trying to keep you in a box and impose their dysfunctional inhibited world view on you.

You've ditched the crap husband, now you're working on getting out from under the toxic mum (which is a lot harder IME). Good on you! Flowers

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/08/2020 13:53

Are these people your mum’s neighbours? It sounds like they are - so I would probably believe her. Unfortunately a grown child coming back to their parents’ home from an abusive relationship is classed as juicy gossip in a lot of places. Wouldn’t be surprised if your problems have spread across the entire neighbourhood.

DontBeShelfish · 05/08/2020 13:57

@Alwaysupsettingsomeone

She said are you happy with them all talking about you and laughing. They were being kind and offering solutions, not everyone is horrible.
Christ, this is exactly the same sort of comment my mother has made to me in the past. No wonder I'm so bloody paranoid half the time. 😂 FWIW OP I don't think you were in the wrong.
DontBeShelfish · 05/08/2020 13:58

@GrumpyHoonMain

Are these people your mum’s neighbours? It sounds like they are - so I would probably believe her. Unfortunately a grown child coming back to their parents’ home from an abusive relationship is classed as juicy gossip in a lot of places. Wouldn’t be surprised if your problems have spread across the entire neighbourhood.
Hold up, OP's Mum's arrived. 🙄
SnuggyBuggy · 05/08/2020 14:01

It sounds like your mum has issues. It's perfectly normal and healthy to talk about problems with people you trust.

sadpapercourtesan · 05/08/2020 14:01

@GrumpyHoonMain if that's the case; who gives a hoot?! Honestly, do people really tie themselves up in knots worrying that bored strangers are gossiping about them? Hmm

sunshinesheila · 05/08/2020 14:02

Also, what is juicy gossip really. Its not like you have done anything to be ashamed of. Yes people will talk to others about things you say. I left my husband and didn't particularly tell more than one or two neighbours back at my mums.
.......
Within a few days a lady up the rd knocked on and said she was having a whole new kitchen and had a washer dryer, fridge, freezer microwave the lot for me.
She had heard I was starting again and wanted to help.
.......
So we're they gossiping??
Or just nice neighbours that hear someone's having a shit time and want to help out and for them to be ok?

Cornishclio · 05/08/2020 14:03

I don't think you were wrong. If you are friendly with your neighbours and what you were discussing did not involve breaking anyone elses confidence then it is nothing to do with your mum. Lots of people do seem very closed in though and look on everyone else outside family as people they should hold at arms length and your mum sounds like that. I think this is sad though.