I’ve just upset my mum, am I wrong?

[Alwaysupsettingsomeone]

So I’ve just been speaking to my neighbours, telling them about a difficult situation I’m in. They were just interested and I’m not embarrassed talking about it.

I’ve come into my mums house next door and she has said what are you telling them about your problems, you shouldn’t let people know your business.

My mum is the sort of person who tells know one nothing, she has no friends. I said I don’t have have a problem talking to people. She said as long as you are happy with them knowing everything about you (I haven’t told them everything) I said that I am happy otherwise I wouldn’t have spoken to them. I told her I’m not like her, I don’t sit on my own in my house by myself all day complaining about everyone in the street. I talk to people and my neighbours, your never know sometimes people can help you or visa versa.

Was I rude? I’m annoyed as she made me feel like I’d done something wrong and now she isnt speaking to me. I’m 35 by the way.

How ''private'' WAS the stuff you were telling them?

We had an incorrigible cold gossip in our road years ago...A neighbour got taken away in an ambulance, and it was all up and down the street that ''neighbour had taken a drugs overdose''

Turned out to be nothing of the sort! A couple of us told her that she was a ''vindictive old woman'' but the gossip never ended til she passed away.

My mum speaks to no one in the street but she talks about them all

@Alwaysupsettingsomeone

HERE. /\
In a nutshell.

Your mum is an incorrigible old gossip herself.... That's why she is being so snarky.

You sound like you are ready and raring to get your new life started. Well done to you, don't let your mum put s shitter on it. Get sorted and out of there asap. Have you got a plan?

I don’t think its a good idea to let people know you’re vulnerable at the moment. And I think they sound a bit off asking you personal questions.

You haven’t done anything wrong, OP. You have said yourself that you have known the neighbours since childhood - hardly ‘washing your dirty linen in public’ (oh, how I loathe that Hyacinth Bucketian term).

I would be making plans to move out and be independent of your mother.

They are nice people next door. I grew up with their daughter, we were in and out of each other’s houses. They are more functional then my family, they are not gossips at all. They didn’t really ask questions more me talking. They were being kind, telling me to keep pushing as it will resolve itself in the end. I sound ungrateful but I’m happy my mum let me stay but she offers no emotional support. I don’t think she has the capability to. She will speak up though if I’ve put my daughters hair clips in wrong or dressed her wrong or I gave her 3 crackers and she only gives her 2.

Gosh OP, your situation reminds me of myself 10 years ago! I left my ex without telling him because I was frightened he would turn really nasty if I did. I had to go to my mum's. It was out of the frying pan into the fire. I think she was really ashamed of me and wanted to vent but it didn't go with her rigid, I'm so incredibly virtuous, persona (I think my mother is autistic). So instead she would goad me into losing my temper so that she would have an excuse to let rip about how selfish and ungrateful I was. Realistically, unless you are able to move out now you need to stay calm, be super nice to your mum (however unfair/insincere it feels) and concentrate on finding somewhere for you and your daughter. Hang on in there OP, things will be better when you get free of both your ex and your mother!

The other day she says I’ve wasted my degree and it’s too late for me to do anything about it now. I’m only 35, if not dead. I’ve been through hell alone and she has absolutely no idea.

OP - How long do you think you will have to stay with her? Your mum sounds like an energy drain. I see nothing wrong with talking to the neighbours who you have known for (is it) 30 years, they seem to have shown you genuine kindness which you really need at the moment.

You said she has no idea what you have been through, could you tell her or would you find that too painful/pointless because of her lack of empathy?

She won’t understand at all. I told her I was afraid he would come here and she said that she doesn’t want all this at her door what would people be saying.

She has said I’ve brought a world to her that she doesn’t have any experience in, her life has been perfect. Which it has been far from, my childhood was neglectful.

Who gives a shit what people think?!

Your Mum sounds complicated OP. It's like she hasn't accepted that you're a different person to her?

You sounds pretty confident in your decisions to me,good luck to you

Her marriage /lack of marriage = her problem
Your marriage/lack of marriage= your problem.

You are free to speak to whoever you want to about your own problems. Your mother's NDN sound like surrogate relatives and you are lucky to have them care about you.

OP the thing is I think you are mistaking her not giving a shit about your needs as her not understanding. She would understand fine. But she would only care about how it impacted her life.

Often if we've had nasty partners, it stems from having parents or others in our life of the same caliber.

The way she is treating you, is emotional abuse.
It may not be as bad as other abuse or abusers you've had or heard of but it is abuse.

She has to make you feel bad whenever you are happy/elated. She tells you you've wasted your degree. She has to turn everything into an argument or an excuse to tell you you are doing something wrong or not good enough. Please,please do not raise your child in this environment. My gran was like her and she did all she could to destroy my self esteem. Get out and get your kid out.

She doesn’t want people to see I’m a disappointment. On the outside we must pretend we are all ok. I lived my life like this pretending every was ok to keep up with pretence but underneath it wasn’t. I am not scared anymore to say I’m not ok. Not being ok is ok sometimes. What I want is my mum to tell me it will be ok but it’s not going to happen.

What happens next OP?
I understand you need to vent on here but my concern is that you are dwelling on your Mum's obvious flaws as a parent which is understandable but not healthy.
How soon can you move out?
Have you got any other good support you can turn to?
Have you been in contact with Women's Aid?

If she starts telling you again they'll be gossiping behind your back, you could remind her of her own opinion of you, and that it would be no different to what she's doing to your face.

Good for you. Because you see through all that ‘what others think’ guff, you have more freedom and independence of thought than your mother ever had or ever will. Who cares about what other people think? We’re all human and fallible. Haven’t we all had struggles in life, haven’t we all made mistakes? Haven’t we all had family members with problems?

Your Mum sounds like some uptight old maiden aunt from the 1930s.

When my dad was dying of cancer he was scared and angry at the world. My mum would constantly cry at how he was behaving because it was upsetting her. She was mean to him in response because he wasn’t being nice. I tried to tell her he was terrified he just wanted reassurance and you are being horrible. She couldn’t get it. When he died she was upset that her world was over, I tried to look after everything. Not once in two years since he has gone as she asked how I am. We just don’t seem to talk about anything, we have a strange bond. I used to think it was normal but now I have my daughter I know it wasn’t.

Well done for leaving controlling husband. Pity you have controlling Mother. Sounds like neighbours care about you. I can't imagine anyone laughing about s person having controlling partner.

Next door is a social worker for children so I really do doubt she would be laughing at me and my girl either.

All you did was respond to a bit of care and interest in your life, that you're not getting from you mother!

Tbh, I find "is he paying?" more of a nosy than a caring question.

If the mother prefers to keep herself to herself, it's not surprising that she doesn't want neighbours discussing her daughter. Because they will.

I told her I’m not like her, I don’t sit on my own in my house by myself all day complaining about everyone in the street

I think this is what's really upset the mother, and I can understand that.

Massive dripfeeds in updates. I withdraw my comments as they were made in response to the original post.