I’ve just upset my mum, am I wrong?

[Alwaysupsettingsomeone]

So I’ve just been speaking to my neighbours, telling them about a difficult situation I’m in. They were just interested and I’m not embarrassed talking about it.

I’ve come into my mums house next door and she has said what are you telling them about your problems, you shouldn’t let people know your business.

My mum is the sort of person who tells know one nothing, she has no friends. I said I don’t have have a problem talking to people. She said as long as you are happy with them knowing everything about you (I haven’t told them everything) I said that I am happy otherwise I wouldn’t have spoken to them. I told her I’m not like her, I don’t sit on my own in my house by myself all day complaining about everyone in the street. I talk to people and my neighbours, your never know sometimes people can help you or visa versa.

Was I rude? I’m annoyed as she made me feel like I’d done something wrong and now she isnt speaking to me. I’m 35 by the way.

How do you make friends and connections if you are emotionally disconnected. Without connections you are alone. If I was wrong then I will learn a lesson. But why did she assume that they would be laughing at me became I was sad that my child’s dad didn’t want to see her? Is that how she feels about me, I’ve done something that Is shameful?

They're her neighbours really, not yours. If she likes to have boundaries (and sometimes people do like to do that with their neighbours), I can see why she's feeling a bit exposed.

She's not responsible for the breakdown of your marriage. If you feel like that you shouldn't be living with her. What a horrible way for her to feel, having to support you but also be vilified.

You need to respect her space and get out on your own as soon as you can. Don't criticise how she lives while you're living with her and there is no need to do it afterwards in that way, either. Get some counselling.

I've got a mum like this. You can talk to who you want. Obviously don't tell them about your finances and things if you don't know them. But ofcourse you can talk about bits and bobs in your life.

I had a stranger's parcel through last week
Put it on FB to track down the address.

My mum messages saying don't tell anyone your address and demand proof of identity.

It turned out to be an elderly chap w fee doors up and her very greatful daughter thanked me for being honest. I assured my mum I hadn't given my address and I was sorting it.

I think sometimes they can't accept we are adults. My mum sees the world very differently to me. She also stays in the house moaning. She actually has nicknames for the people opposite and notices how much the women irons. I'm glad I have a tall hedge lol x

They said I hope he is paying? I said not really

That sounds like a very nosy question. They really want to know the ins and outs of it. Maybe your Mum knows something you don't.

Abuse victims, keeping secrets is how scumbags continue to abuse and get new victims.

I won’t speak to any of them again. It was just nice for someone to ask how I am as my own mum doesn’t offer any support, but she is allowing me to stay for a while. She believes that I made my own bed regarding my husband.
My mum speaks to no one in the street but she talks about them all.

I don’t think she likes these particular neighbours because they have a fire pit in the garden and the family sit and chat and laugh till maybe 11 at the latest and it annoys her. I think it sounds lovely.

It's totally up to you. It's your own decision, I'm a total over sharer but that's just me I'm honest and open and I wouldn't change that because someone else wanted me to. Don't worry yourself over it xx

My mum was like yours and I used to think she was crazy. Now I'm older, I tend to agree and I keep my private business to myself.

I agree. Some people will use your misery to laugh at and gossip behind your back. Too much of this happening on social media. Some things you should keep to yourself or tell only people you’re close to. So it depends how good friends you and the neighbours are or are they the type to ask questions and fake an interest for something to be gossiped about later on.

I spoke to my auntie about it and she said she was like it as a child also, very socially awkward

That actually makes me feel a bit sorry for your mum. Sounds like she has real life long social difficulties. Is there any chance she could have undiagnosed asperger's? I can completely see how someone who has never learnt how to develop good social relations would build up a psychological defence by becoming negative about other people.

It can't be easy for you, though, having a mum like this. My ex definitely has some sort of defect that means he can't understand or relate to people in the way other people can. I'd like to say I feel sorry for him, but it caused me so much pain, and still does as he is still my kids' dad, that I find it hard to feel sorry for him. I save my sympathy for myself. That's my psychological defence I guess.

It sounds like a nightmare staying there with her negativity. Hope you get your housing situation sorted very soon and some space to breath and start recovering from your marriage.

I always wondered if she had some undiagnosed condition. She has terrible dyslexia also. The only trouble is she is very forceful of her own view of the world. For example as a child if you were 5 mins late for dinner it would be in the toilet. In this example today I told her that it’s ok for me not to agree with her opinion and that if I didn’t want to talk to the neighbour I wouldn’t had. She can’t expect that.

*accept

She gets offended really easily also. She takes everything so personally. She wants you to ask how she is, she won’t ask how someone else is. She worries about everything and everything is worst case scenario. It must be difficult for her.

You haven't done anything shameful but it is unwise to share your business with too many people and, if they were your mother's neighbours, not fair on her.

Why do you feel it necessary to talk about personal business with people you hardly know anyway, especially if they are by your mum?

If someone asks how you are, just say, "Not too bad thanks. How about you?".

You obviously have history with your mother, fair enough, but in this instance I feel she was right if a bit forceful in how she expressed her feelings.

Learn to be discreet.

Some people are private, others are open, some people are a bit of both and reach out sometimes. It's not for your mum to police.
She sounds very similar to mine. It's an inner nastiness that is projected onto others. Honestly it's just projection. The constant suspicion of others and questioning what people think just shows how she judges people. It's a lack of insight that not everyone else is like them.
Before I deleted Facebook, I'd get phone calls about status or photos I'd put up. Mum would be fretting about what people would think and that I was attention seeking or looked silly and should take things down (I was just using it normally and infrequently, nothing personal or odd was ever posted!). That's because she's one of those FB users who scrolls and sneers, constantly putting everyone down and zooming in on photos for faults.

The thing is she didn’t say I don’t think you should tell things to my neighbours (they were my neighbours for 2 decades also). She said are you happy with telling them your stuff and having them talking about you. Surely that is up to me. It feels like she was trying to enforce her view onto me. Maybe if my mum talked to me about things other then the weather I wouldn’t need to speak to the neighbour. But then that’s something I’ve dealt with my whole life. I probably should have chosen someone more supportive like a counsellor to talk to.

I can’t live my life without connection anymore, my husband and my mum, no emotion at all. I find it hard conforming to their world. I can’t wait to be able to live on my own.

I'm not great at confiding to people and it's caused so much crap in my life.

It's good to talk to people. As long as you're careful about how much you say and to whom, I've found that dialogue opens up new opportunities / avenues for information.

Anyone ''who isn't talking'' is seriously childish..Can't bear that sort of selfish sulky behaviour..OP you are not at fault.

There’s is no way I would tell my mum’s neighbours my private business, no way.
You obviously know these neighbours but I would caution you to be more careful who you confide in.

@Alwaysupsettingsomeone
My mum {stepmum} was like this... NEVER wanted to discuss anything.
She will never change.
If I tried, it was ''Lovely day, isn't it?'' or ''Would anyone like a cup of tea?''....Some people just don't like other's ''problems''.
Her mother was a just the same...Hopeless at talking about problems/worries.
I sympathise

Your mum was quite right, if you tell strangers your business you never know who they might tell.

Oh goodness, please don't cut off these nice neighbour people just because your mum has got the hump!

I can imagine that it was just really nice for someone to ask you how you are and how things are going, as it sounds like {to quote) your mum has the "emotional range of a teaspoon". All you did was respond to a bit of care and interest in your life, that you're not getting from you mother!

And the reason she thinks they'll all laugh and gossip about you is because that's exactly what she does, and she can't imagine anyone doing anything differently from how she would.

You can't be expected to keep your mouth shut because she keeps herself to herself.

You said she doesn't have any friends!
So she's probably coming across unfriendly if she doesn't talk to anybody about anything.
You have enough on your plate, do what works for you.