I’ve just upset my mum, am I wrong?

[Alwaysupsettingsomeone]

So I’ve just been speaking to my neighbours, telling them about a difficult situation I’m in. They were just interested and I’m not embarrassed talking about it.

I’ve come into my mums house next door and she has said what are you telling them about your problems, you shouldn’t let people know your business.

My mum is the sort of person who tells know one nothing, she has no friends. I said I don’t have have a problem talking to people. She said as long as you are happy with them knowing everything about you (I haven’t told them everything) I said that I am happy otherwise I wouldn’t have spoken to them. I told her I’m not like her, I don’t sit on my own in my house by myself all day complaining about everyone in the street. I talk to people and my neighbours, your never know sometimes people can help you or visa versa.

Was I rude? I’m annoyed as she made me feel like I’d done something wrong and now she isnt speaking to me. I’m 35 by the way.

You did nothing wrong. It's up to you what you share.

Your mum is 100% wrong for trying to control what you share and 100% wrong for feeling that it affects her reputation somehow.

Reminds me of my own mum though

My mother is the same. She sees everything I do as a reflection of her ability to parent, and not that I am a grown woman who makes my own life choices. She also doesn't like it when I share anything which could be perceived as negative.

You've done nothing wrong!

Struggling to see what your mother has to be ashamed of.

If you don’t talk to people then how do you find anything out.

I have had problems and often when I have told someone they have helped or knew someone who could or knew the general direction to go in.

I know one family who are incredibly secretive and don’t like telling people anything. This led to the mother not telling someone their father had died because it was a secret. Adult child didn’t know about the death until a few days after the funeral.

Very few things are secret and most people if they care to look close enough can usually work things out without any input

@Alwaysupsettingsomeone

I think I got triggered because my husband also didn’t like me talking to anyone. I think my husband and my mum are the same. I was always an open and honest person, the black sheep in my family, the overly sensitive one. But I’m starting to think it was them who had the distrustful issues.

Yes, when the dust has settled you may well see more parallels.

My mother denied me the right to my own reality. Hers was and is correct, and if I disagree, I was/am silly or emotional or sensitive or...
My x was the same.

Also my mum always kept thing on a superficial level.
My x did the same.

Also, my mum deep down wanted the best for me, but primarily because that reflected well onher.
My x was the same.

My mum only allowed happy emotions. Positivity. Optimism. Gratitute.

My x was exactly the same.

Astonishing how i never saw it until after i left my x
My x was worse and no mistake. But the relationship with my mother was what made the dynamic with my x resonate so strongly.

Take it easy though. Figure things out a bit at a time.

@Alwaysupsettingsomeone

She said are you happy with them all talking about you and laughing. They were being kind and offering solutions, not everyone is horrible.

People can be kind and helpful and still talk about you amongst themselves and to others with the story changing over time.

Of course everyone has to vent sometimes and ask advice but it is best to choose people who are well away from the situation and neutral.

You have to be careful in whom you confide. I've learned that from experience!

Your mother went too far in what she said to you, it's not her business really, but she had your interests at heart. It might have been better had you not told her you'd confided in neighbours but what's done is done.

This really isn't worth falling out over.

Mine has the same views about telling people your business, but I think she has a point when I see how other people gossip about people they don't know that well. If it's very personal stuff, it's best kept to a minimum of very close people you trust to keep it to themselves.

You didn't do anything wrong in talking to people you know, this is your life and you can choose how you live it.

As a few PP's have said, it may well be that your relationship with your Mother made the way you were treated by your X feel normal, at least to start with. It is very common for someone with a Narcissistic parent to end up marrying another Narc simply because you have been trained to put them first.

It is also very common for the parent and partner to dislike each other simply because they want to be the one in control of you.

Ignore your M sulking she is probably wanting you to apologise and tell her that she was right.

I think I got triggered because my husband also didn’t like me talking to anyone. I think my husband and my mum are the same.

Nasty people don't like you talking to others in case you say something about their behaviours. They don't like the possibility that their own shortcomings might become wider knowledge.

Well done you for finding a way to help you cope. You know your mum's not going to offer you any support herself. You've known your neighbours for a long time and you trust them. You've done nothing wrong, so let your mother stew in her own juice.

It’s your mother who’s being unreasonable.

Well done on leaving your husband, and I wish you all the very best for the future.

When I ended my marriage to my abusive ex, I was open about it which was good for me in finding my own voice and using it. I also found a lot of emotional and practical support by talking to people.

You weren't rude.

Ignore your mother. Sometimes it is helpful telling some people something particularly people much older than you.

I can understand exactly how that must have made you feel, OP.

My own Mum’s wider family could be like this. As a child she was told; “Don’t tell anyone this and that” for no good reason. It was all about being seen as respectable. We were both discussing this the other day, and concluded that neither of us gave a fek about being seen as bloody respectable.

Well done for leaving an abusive relationship. Well done for asserting your right to decide who you talk to and trust.

I told her I’m not like her, I don’t sit on my own in my house by myself all day complaining about everyone in the street In this you told your Mum how you see her. She is understandably hurt.

What you have done wasn't inherently wrong. It's your business and your choice to whom you talk about it.

Your mother's response to you talking about it to your neighbours was wrong. It might suit her to be that insular, but not you - and she can't control you like that any more.

Were you rude/harsh? No, not really. She's expecting you to just do what you're told, and you're a grown woman who can make your own decisions. If she chooses to be upset by that, then that is, in all honesty, her look out and her problem, not yours.

I don't think either of you were wrong. You just have different personalities.
Ironically you can see how her attitude made you feel bad about yourself but you can't see how you have just turned that judgement back on to her to try to make her feel bad for who she is.
Your mum is helping you to leave an abusive relationship so it seems unfair to compare her to your abusive husband. He is the person who deserves your anger. It may be natural to lash out at the people who are close and trying to help but it isn't fair on them.

As an adult, one of the things that you have to decide is what to tell others about yourself & to whom you tell what.

I should think that most people are on a middle ground with the majority, with close friends/partners being told more & strangers/people you don't like/trust being told next to nothing.

@Alwaysupsettingsomeone

So I’ve just been speaking to my neighbours, telling them about a difficult situation I’m in. They were just interested and I’m not embarrassed talking about it.

I’ve come into my mums house next door and she has said what are you telling them about your problems, you shouldn’t let people know your business.

My mum is the sort of person who tells know one nothing, she has no friends. I said I don’t have have a problem talking to people. She said as long as you are happy with them knowing everything about you (I haven’t told them everything) I said that I am happy otherwise I wouldn’t have spoken to them. I told her I’m not like her, I don’t sit on my own in my house by myself all day complaining about everyone in the street. I talk to people and my neighbours, your never know sometimes people can help you or visa versa.

Was I rude? I’m annoyed as she made me feel like I’d done something wrong and now she isnt speaking to me. I’m 35 by the way.

TBH, she's offended, not hurt.

She sounds as though she's the type of person that never says anything to anybody else because she thinks they'll behave how she does. She's more worried about what other people say or think than the actual real problems - because she's exactly the person others should be worried about.

That's exactly the attitude that ends up in people being hurt and abuse going unchallenged, because 'WHAT WOULD THE NEIGHBOURS THINK?'.

There is obviously a difference between talking to people and being the local disaster zone/source of car crash entertainment, but it's not sounding like you've done that.

So tough luck to her.

@grumpyhoonmain has a point

My mum was like yours and I used to think she was crazy. Now I'm older, I tend to agree and I keep my private business to myself. There's a couple of old friends I'll share with - but neighbours, casual friends, acquaintances at work don't need to know.

Why are you bothering in the slightest what your mum thinks?
Why has she any say in what you discuss with the neighbours?
Do you live next door did you say? And she has no friends? And sulks if you don't behave how she wants?
Yikes, this isn't going to get any better as she gets older and would worry me. You need to separate your lives. Move away.

What had happened is my child was playing with their granddaughter and had ran into their house. So they you can come in also. So I went in and they said how is it all going with your ex. They knew a little, I said he still hasn’t bothered to see his child for many months now. They said I hope he is paying? I said not really. They said well your child is very lovely you have done a good job. The wife is a social worker. They said that they knew people that could help me with repairs in the family home if I go back. Really wasn’t any gossip going on.

I know a couple of people who tell everyone their business, literally everything and I honestly cringe as I am more like your mum. I like the quote “a wise man once said nothing at all”

But it is your business and free to tell whoever you want and it’s nothing to do with your mum unless it involves her in any way.

Yanbu at all and your mother sounds like a right piece of work.

My mum is always so worried about what other people think. To such an extent that she has no friends at all. I spoke to my auntie about it and she said she was like it as a child also, very socially awkward. Growing up I lived her way of life but I’m actually a very talkative person. I have been socially isolated for a long time so I feel the need speak to people but obviously not random strangers.

What @Feedingthebirds1 said. Nasty people (narcissists and similar) worry that you will relay their shittiness to others.

They also dont want you to have any emotional support. And therefore (plus the fact that they project their own shitty character) tell you that other people think and speak badly of you.

She is a horrible, bitter person and you were perfectly in the right to call her out on the bs. But in the longterm, I'd try to distance from her. Especially if you have kids. Because they'll be target 2. The stately homes thread on here might be worth a read to you.

I probably shouldn’t have snapped and told her she has no friends, I do feel bad now. But I was annoyed that she was putting her outlook of life onto me. Who I talk to is my business. I came in to speak to her happy because next door was nice and she destroyed the mood.....again.

My mum was like yours and I used to think she was crazy. Now I'm older, I tend to agree and I keep my private business to myself. There's a couple of old friends I'll share with - but neighbours, casual friends, acquaintances at work don't need to know

Totally agree. Experience has taught me that over-sharing can sometimes come back and bite you on the bum.