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Original poster

Ex has suddenly removed me from social media, why?

108 replies

CanWeGoOutsideYet · 28/05/2020 23:52

We've known each other since we were practically kids. There was a brief engagement in our early 20s that I called off but we agreed to stay friends which worked well as we have alot of mutual friends between us. One of my closest friends is also one of his. No problems.

I'm settled down with somebody now and have children but we'd catch up on social media when he'd get in touch which he often did.

He has recently got engaged which I thought was wonderful, I sent my congratulations and said I was genuinely pleased for him (and meant it!)

He thanked me, asked how I was, we exchanged pleasantries and that was that. There was no negative interaction whatsoever.

Now I've just realised tonight that he has deleted me from social media as he came up in my suggested friends.

I've no plans to contact him and ask what that's about but I am a bit baffled and disheartened because I thought he saw me as a friend, I did him.

Am I a bad memory? Is it disrespectful to a new partner to keep exes as friends to some people? (DH doesn't think so)

OP posts:
Bottomplasters · 28/05/2020 23:56

People are weird who knows.

Sittingontheveranda · 28/05/2020 23:56

His new partner doesn’t like him being friends with you. I’d have thought it was pretty obvious. She may have had bad past experiences with exes. Who knows.

I wouldn’t take it personally at all. I imagine, in time, he will reconnect if he misses you.

Greendayz · 28/05/2020 23:57

Are you sure he's deleted you and not had his account cloned? Seems a bit thick of FB algorithms to be suggesting someone as a friend who has recently de-friended you. I've had friend requests from people I'm already friends with via cloned accounts though.

If not, I'd guess the new fiancee is uncomfortable about you being friends, which is a bit sad

MrFaceyRomford · 28/05/2020 23:57

Few new partners like their DPs staying in contact (however innocent) with their exes.

KitchenConfidential · 28/05/2020 23:59

Who knows, but far more importantly, who cares?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2020 00:00

Perhaps he views you as the past and wants to focus on the future. Whatever the case, leave it alone and move on.

Original poster
CanWeGoOutsideYet · 29/05/2020 00:07

He has definitely deleted me as I clicked on the profile and it showed that he was no longer on my friends list, with an option to add him.

I certainly won't be reaching out as it's very clear he doesn't wish to remain in contact, I'm just a bit disheartened because we've known each other a very long time and I haven't said anything to provoke this out of the blue?

I did wonder whether it was because his fiance didn't want him keeping in touch but then I don't see how she could know about me or feel threatened. They've only been together about six months and he doesn't live in the same city as me and our close mutual friend, our friend hasn't met her so unless he has chosen to mention me himself I fail to see how that could be the issue.

I'm thinking it's along the lines of "forget the past and focus on the future" but I wasn't aware he was harbouring any negative feelings toward me.

OP posts:
lilacbeloved · 29/05/2020 00:09

I think you've reached out and congratulated him and the new partner probably didn't like it, and as you're in his past, he has no issue removing you.

It's quite common.

Destroyedpeople · 29/05/2020 00:10

It's probably his new gf tbh.

Why are you so invested in it...?

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 29/05/2020 00:10

It could be his fiance doesn't want him in contact with exes - or it could be that he's had a Facebook cull. Some people only stay friends with people they actually spend time with, so their posts aren't going out to everyone they worked with 10 years ago.

Sittingontheveranda · 29/05/2020 00:13

He thanked me, asked how I was, we exchanged pleasantries and that was that.

We exchanged pleasantries Maybe he is having a clear out of old friends he doesn’t keep in touch with regularly. I deleted quite a few FB ‘friends’ that I don’t have anything in common with anymore and I rarely use FB anymore either. I kept the type of friends who I would send a Christmas card to only.
It doesn’t mean he had negative feelings towards you. It is more likely that he has no feelings towards you at all.

That sounds hurtful and I have tried to rephrase it in a kinder way.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2020 00:15

You called of your engagement. There might not be any hatred, but of course there will be some hard feelings involved. You rejected him. The pain of that never completely goes away.

Mnthrowaway20202 · 29/05/2020 00:15

He might see you as just an Ex, rather than an old friend like you see him.

Alternatively his fiancé asked him to delete you

Redheadedninja · 29/05/2020 00:22

I agree with sittingontheveranda. I did a Facebook cull a couple of months ago too. Unfriended loads of people that I just didn’t see anymore. No ill feeling towards any of them at all. Just wanted to streamline my Facebook so it was more relevant to my current circle of Friends, that’s all. Don’t give it a second thought xxx

Mintychoc1 · 29/05/2020 00:25

My money’s on the fiancé not wanting him being friends with exes

Original poster
CanWeGoOutsideYet · 29/05/2020 00:25

I'm not overly invested in it and I'm certainly not going to dwell on it. I only discovered this tonight and he could have unfriended me weeks ago so it's not going to be a massive loss, I'm just a bit disappointed because it's clear that he didn't see me as a friend after all, as I did him.

OP posts:
Flittingabout · 29/05/2020 00:30

I think it could be he is getting married and your message reminded him of the past hurt. Or his new fiance and he talked about your friendship and message which would be normal to come up in chat and he or they decided that you are just acquaintances now so best to let the past be.

It is time to cut the cord I think.

Samtsirch · 29/05/2020 00:37

Agree with the Facebook cull theory.
It’s extremely common, every one does it now and again, otherwise the «friends « list gets clogged up with people who are no longer relevant or current in their lives, it just makes their social media so much easier to manage.

Original poster
CanWeGoOutsideYet · 29/05/2020 00:37

I'll be leaving it in the past yes. It'll be forgotten about in a couple of days, it just stings a bit losing what you thought was a friend and seemingly for no good reason.

Before he met his wife-to-be he would make contact regularly which only confirmed my feeling that we were friends, it has only been since meeting her that he has severed ties so to speak.

I didn't consider that he may have held onto hurt about me calling off the engagement years ago. It's possible that he did, and only now he has met somebody he wants to share his life with he wants to cut the cord which I could understand if that were the case.

It's a shame he doesn't want/feel able to remain in touch albeit infrequently but I respect his decision and wish him all the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
CanWeGoOutsideYet · 29/05/2020 00:39

If we didn't still have mutuals from school that he hasn't seen in years then I would fully believe it was as simple as a Facebook clear out.

Knowing him I do think it's personal, not necessarily in a hurtful way but an end to an era perhaps.

OP posts:
therearenosnakeshere · 29/05/2020 00:39

You think this is about his feelings towards you, it's not. His new partner saw the conversation, didn't like it, he deleted you.

Flittingabout · 29/05/2020 00:45

Your updates tell me he has done the right thing for his marriage. Never good to have a close ex waiting in the wings ready for when the marriage hits the deck in 15 years! Far better to just have friends with no history or no close contact. I think you were too close for (his) comfort.

Original poster
CanWeGoOutsideYet · 29/05/2020 00:53

I'm not sure I was too close for comfort because it was always him initiating contact. I certainly didn't pester him or make a nuisance of myself on his posts.

I sent congratulations because it felt like the kind thing to do, much like how he contacted me after the births of my children for example.

I don't see him in a romantic way and haven't for a very long time. I didn't consider it had anything to do with feelings until somebody suggested you never get past somebody rejecting you and another poster suggested me congratulating him may have reminded him of past hurt.

OP posts:
copperoliver · 29/05/2020 00:57

Maybe it's a new partner thing. X

Sittingontheveranda · 29/05/2020 00:59

Before he met his wife-to-be he would make contact regularly which only confirmed my feeling that we were friends, it has only been since meeting her that he has severed ties so to speak.

I wonder if this is common. I was very good friends with someone. We shared a flat for a few years. There was never anything romantic. We both moved away to different locations and stayed in touch by email. He got engaged and invited me to the wedding. He had a child and so did I and we had infrequent but in-depth online chats about work, kids, life.

About seven years ago, he stopped getting in contact. I didn’t take much notice until I sent him a mail and got a pretty short reply but figured it was a bad time. We had always exchanged Christmas cards and I sent it as I had always done. I received a very short email saying they weren’t sending cards that year. Again I didn’t think much of it until I met a mutual friend who told me casually he didn’t include his usual letter in her Christmas card. It was strange but I didn’t put too much thought into it until he was in the city I live and mailed me to see if I was free for a coffee which I wasn’t at such short notice.