Ex has suddenly removed me from social media, why?

[CanWeGoOutsideYet]

We've known each other since we were practically kids. There was a brief engagement in our early 20s that I called off but we agreed to stay friends which worked well as we have alot of mutual friends between us. One of my closest friends is also one of his. No problems.

I'm settled down with somebody now and have children but we'd catch up on social media when he'd get in touch which he often did.

He has recently got engaged which I thought was wonderful, I sent my congratulations and said I was genuinely pleased for him (and meant it!)

He thanked me, asked how I was, we exchanged pleasantries and that was that. There was no negative interaction whatsoever.

Now I've just realised tonight that he has deleted me from social media as he came up in my suggested friends.

I've no plans to contact him and ask what that's about but I am a bit baffled and disheartened because I thought he saw me as a friend, I did him.

Am I a bad memory? Is it disrespectful to a new partner to keep exes as friends to some people? (DH doesn't think so)

"Few new partners like their DPs staying in contact (however innocent) with their exes"

Really?

ETA I have no idea why he stopped being friendly. Absolutely none. But it’s up to him. I certainly won’t lose sleep over it but I was hurt when the realisation dawned. I know why you feel hurt OP. Try to accept it and forget it.

I don’t mean this unkindly but it really comes across that you are over thinking the situation and placing a lot more importance on it than he is.
He probably hasn’t given it a second thought.
The fact is, he’s deleted you, you and god knows how many others, you may never know why, there may not be a particular reason.
It may not be permanent, you may reconnect in the future, who knows ?
But don’t stress over it, or give it too much thought, or take it so personally.

Yes it's much like you decribe sitting. Thank you.

There's definitely no ulterior motives from me. I'm not remotely interested in him on a romantic level, but I was glad of the friendship and did consider him to be a good friend.

I had a near death experience last year and developed PTSD, he provided alot of advice and support when I was in the midst of it because he had been through it himself and genuinely cared. As before, this was initiated by him.

He never forgot my birthday and would always send a card / wish us a happy Christmas / Easter.

He bought my DD a birthday present, I never asked nor expected him to do that.

If ever I was in need of support then he would be there to chat, and vice versa.

He would ask my advice on things and I would always have time for him.

One of our mutual friends passed away at the end of last year and we supported each other through that via WhatsApp, sharing fond memories of him and cheering one another up.

We've known one another for half of our lives, have a ton of memories stemming way back to being kids and I cared deeply about him as a friend which he most certainly reciprocated - until he met his partner.

I'm not some love sick ex hanging around in the background we were genuinely friends

DH knows all about him and has never had an issue with us remaining in touch. He is equally as baffled as I am about it.

As he's just got engaged, it probably came up that he had been engaged before. To you. The fiancée probably then asked him to cut contact.

I will be letting it go, I have no intention of dwelling on it I was just feeling disappointed and confused by the random nature of it.

This is so strange to read. I broke up with my ex about 5 years ago, he struggled with it but then we got on as friends. Really well actually, pub, fish and chips and we’d tell each other what was new, new partners, just genuine friends.

My DP knows all about him and was fine about it no reason to be worried and I was always upfront that we are friends and I value it. Then ex got a new gf and I discovered I’d been deleted off everything for no apparent reason. It hurt me because while I would rather he has no issues in his new relationship or her feeling insecure about me, I thought we were friends and valued each other in our lives regardless. I would have invited him to my wedding, we’d discussed it so I found that hard that he was so unbothered about erasing me.

Shortly after we broke up like you, something awful happened to me, and he was who I called when it happened and who I could talk to and he helped for a good amount of time, so I suppose I felt bonded in that way too.

My take home is, you can love someone or hold a place for them forever, as friends, so things like this are always going to hurt. But just like your DH is your priority, your ex has a woman that is his and unfortunately if she isn’t happy he will delete you however unfair it is. I think you just have to close the book on it, I know it’s hard when a traumatic part of your life coincided with them helping you out of it, but you have to try not to dwell and accept that chapter of friendship is over.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you

Losing a friendship is always sad I'm not surprised you are a bit hurt by it. I had this happen too with an ex I thought was a friend. No clear reason for it either. We had both moved on to new partners and been with them for years... then just out of the blue he cut contact. People are strange. Dont let ot get you down. X

You see him as a friend he sees you as an Ex. Not a close friend. Maybe. You don't know for sure and there's no point wondering. I have friends and exes I've deleted off FB as we either haven't spoken for ages or I'm just having a clear up of my page, or even I'm not fussed about maintaining contact with some people.

Life and people and situations change, sometimes people want a fresh start. I know I've felt like that.

If it makes you feel better he unfriended rather than blocked you which suggests moving on and starting afresh rather than disliking you and not wanting to be contacted.

Has he always contacted you via FB only, OP? Who's to say he has actually stopped all contact - maybe it's just FB that bothered his fiancee (as someone said here, you wre a fiance before her so she may not like the whole thing) - as it's more public and also she may not want it in her face (your messaging). Not reasonable maybe, but if that's hpw she feels, he's decided that's a priority.

But she may not be against an occasional email contact - or even if she's not keen, he still may be planning to email/phone.

I can understand why you'd feel a bit upset after considering him a valued friend for so long.

I think it probably came up that he'd been engaged before and his fiancé is paranoid he still harbours feelings for you (perhaps he's said nice things about you that suggest he has a high opinion of you) and has asked him to cut contact. She probably thinks he sees you as the one who got away even if that's not the case. I can understand why she'd feel insecure but if he really valued you as a friend I think he should have stood his ground.

I've just been cut off by a very valued male friend who has a girlfriend who doesn't like him speaking to women and I'm feeling very upset about it as I thought he would be a close friend and confidant for life

Given you broke off the engagement and you are already settled with children by the time he has his 1st subsequent engagement, I wonder if he hadn't got over you. Perhaps he remained friends hoping you'd change your mind. Your message may have reminded him of the hurt and loss.

I would give him the space he clearly needs to move on with his life.

Thanks for the replies

Breezy I'm really sorry this happened to you too. It sucks doesn't it. If his fiance is the reason he felt he had to delete me then I respect that as I would never want to cause an issue in his relationship, I'm just surprised that I ever would.

It's always Facebook we spoke on yes, we do have one another's numbers but always caught up on messenger. I'm not one for phone calls and never have been.

As mopey as I sound I thought we'd always be friends. Whatever was going on in one another's lives we'd always keep in touch. He's in the military and when he was deployed to somewhere dangerous he'd stay in touch sending me updates and I'd send him encouragement and support, likewise when I was in hospital he'd be checking in and willing me to get better.

I was in a violent relationship and he pretty much saved my life, travelling across the UK to pick me up with as much stuff as I could fit in the car and drove me 250 miles to safety.

He was a constant throughout the good times and the bad times and in my eyes one of my oldest friends. I'm going to miss him but wish him all the best for the future and certainly won't be contacting him just incase the reason is his fiances feelings.

Given you broke off the engagement and you are already settled with children by the time he has his 1st subsequent engagement

Yes that is the case, his fiance is the first serious relationship he's had since me whereas I've had another ex before my now DH.

I've just been cut off by a very valued male friend who has a girlfriend who doesn't like him speaking to women and I'm feeling very upset about it as I thought he would be a close friend and confidant for life

I'm so sorry DKanin. It hurts doesn't it. I have no issue with my DH being friends with women and have never had an issue with any other boyfriends having women as friends. Be it insecurity or territorial, I think some women are unfortunately just like that. Its shit.

From your update about how much he's done for you if he's told her some of those things I think she would have built up some jealousy towards you.

And tbh there is a chance she's caught him out regularly looking at your profile and through your pics.. and she's given him an ultimatum.

The new woman doesn’t like it
And so what ? Let it go

IMO a new partner making someone delete friends, even if they were ex’s in the long distant past, is a red flag.

The OP and this bloke have stayed friends. If he harboured some hurt/resentment towards her he could have binned her off a long time ago but he didn’t.

I wonder how many more of his friends she’s made him delete.

OP I wouldn’t say anything,but I would be there for him if/when it turns out he was in a potentially controlling/abusive relationship.

People's lives move on.

I know you won’t want to hear this - but sometimes people you don’t know can be a bit more brutally honest: It does come access that you enjoy having this chap come to your rescue when you need him to, and to be blunt I don’t blame him for cutting contact with you if he has met someone he can build a life with, let him be and stop over romanticising the ‘friendship’- he stuck around because he thought one day you might want more, now he’s moved on.

The more you post about the nature of your friendship it seems fairly obvious as to why you’ve been removed from friends list now that he’s engaged and moving on.

Considering you broke up an engagement I find it quite odd how much you continued to rely on him with your relationship / PTSD / life issues. It sounds too close of comfort than many others would be willing to tolerate from their partners.

Your post comes across as either oblivious or disingenuous. Most women would not want their man still emotionally tied to their ex fiancé in the way you describe. This was more than just an old friend on Facebook situation, it sounds like it’s for the best that this one is put to rest. Let him move on & stop dwelling on this, it’s not healthy.

Oh and if a woman posted here that her new BF was forcing her to delete friends, even if they were long-distanced ex’s the response would be that there were red flags waiving and for her to run.

Nobody would be saying he was justified in insisting she delete friends. And no, ex’s make no difference.

@Samtsirch

I don’t mean this unkindly but it really comes across that you are over thinking the situation and placing a lot more importance on it than he is. He probably hasn’t given it a second thought. The fact is, he’s deleted you, you and god knows how many others, you may never know why, there may not be a particular reason. It may not be permanent, you may reconnect in the future, who knows ? But don’t stress over it, or give it too much thought, or take it so personally.

Yes I agree. You seem to be very upset about it, starting this thread etc, most people wouldn't give it a second though if a friendly ex deleted them from social media. You need to move on.

I disagree that I'm disingenuous.

I posted about it because I'm disappointed in having lost a friend, I'm not sitting around crying. People post on MN about severed friendships all the time. It's not impacting my life to the extent where I'm not able to continue with my day, but it bothered me so I asked for input as to what the issue may be.

It wasn't a one sided thing where he always came to my rescue, I've provided alot of emotional support to him too when he has been going through XY&Z.

I don't think she'll have forced him to delete me as he's a headstrong person and thinks for himself, but perhaps he's done it with her in mind out of respect.

After I congratulated him and I said we were exchanging pleasantries, that included him telling me how excited his fiance was and joking that he was knee deep in wedding brochures. It was an upbeat conversation and not at all awkward.

Then last night I see he has removed me seemingly out of the blue, hence the confusion.

But that’s what we are saying OP- be brutally honest with yourself - you aren’t feeling confused at all, it’s that you’re pride has been wounded, you thought he would always be there ‘waiting in the wings’ and now he’s moved on, you feel weird because your feelings have been hurt. It’s ok to be sad this guy has removed you from his life, but don’t try to analyse it, just accept it.