Ex has suddenly removed me from social media, why?

[CanWeGoOutsideYet]

We've known each other since we were practically kids. There was a brief engagement in our early 20s that I called off but we agreed to stay friends which worked well as we have alot of mutual friends between us. One of my closest friends is also one of his. No problems.

I'm settled down with somebody now and have children but we'd catch up on social media when he'd get in touch which he often did.

He has recently got engaged which I thought was wonderful, I sent my congratulations and said I was genuinely pleased for him (and meant it!)

He thanked me, asked how I was, we exchanged pleasantries and that was that. There was no negative interaction whatsoever.

Now I've just realised tonight that he has deleted me from social media as he came up in my suggested friends.

I've no plans to contact him and ask what that's about but I am a bit baffled and disheartened because I thought he saw me as a friend, I did him.

Am I a bad memory? Is it disrespectful to a new partner to keep exes as friends to some people? (DH doesn't think so)

I appreciate what you're saying, but I am being completely genuine in saying I'm confused.

It made no sense that he'd suddenly want to end the friendship despite being friends for years and being on good terms the last time we spoke. It was the fact it was out of the blue that baffled me. There were no crossed words or awkwardness.

Anyway I'm leaving it well alone and have no hard feelings. He doesn't want to remain in contact and that's fine.

It’s disingenuous to say you have no idea why you’ve been removed, then go on to list a long history of emotional intertwine meme to & both being emotional support to one another, how much you’ve enjoyed him helping you when you needed him in tough situations... You know why you’ve been deleted - he is moving on & you should support that. Facebook “friends” are not an indication you were not important to each other & that he feels ill will towards you. He just needs to focus on his future & you are the past.

Would you honestly want your partner’s ex fiancée to be around in the same way you are, in the background? Many would not. It may be him who deleted you, or his fiancée who has asked but it does not sound unreasonable given what you describe.

It’s great you’ve managed to remain friendly after an engagement split. If he saw you in public it sounds like he would say hello but is trying to create distance between you.

Focus on your partner & let this go, it’s obvious why it must be put to rest now. Being deleted is always a bruise to the ego & hurtful, but making a whole thread pondering the why’s seems over the top when it’s obvious after you describe the “support” you’ve been giving each other. Too close for comfort, move on babe xo

Intertwinement - not intertwine meme !

The same happened to me. My first love, we stayed friends, albeit from a geographical distance. Over 20 years we'd chat via social media occasionally, sometimes meet for a coffee if he was back home, both of us married with kids. Then he divorced, remarried and deleted me from everything.
I assumed his new wife didn't like it and that was that. Made me sad, but our interactions were sporadic and never more than chit chat, so I'm not missing out on much. I wish he'd told me before deleting though.

If it was that distant a relationship, I think you would have just shown congratulations by “liking” the engagement announcement post or writing “congrats” on the post.

It was taking it to private messages to personally congratulate him then exchanging of pleasantries that got you deleted I would predict. If you were just peripheral in each other’s lives and true “Facebook friends” and distant mates I don’t think you’d have bothered with the personal message.

You called off the engagement - is there a part of you that perhaps enjoyed having him still be there for you ? Knowing someone was still keen on you is good for the ego!

I don’t see how the new fiancé would be controlling to ask if you be removed (if that was the case at all) because you seem to feel like you have a certain special role in each other’s lives. That kind of intimacy from an ex fiancée would not sit well for many people.

It's not a case of you are a long ago ex though, there have been several cases of the two of you being in each other's lives since the split. I bet his fiance doesn't like this, it sounds like you are 'his one that got away' so I don't blame the fiance for not wanting this friendship to continue.

My DP has a 'one that got away.' She also broke off their engagement and he was heartbroken for years. They also got back together for a few months further down the line. She is now married and he feels very deeply for me. They aren't in touch often but honestly, I don't like the thought of them being in touch. I wouldn't tell him to delete her as it's not my place, but my feelings are valid in that I don't like an old love of his life hanging about in the background.

You are giving this a lot of headspace. Your posts are lengthy and you've discussed it with your DH. This has bothered you far more than you're admitting. He isn't there for you anymore, and I see no reason why he should be.

I'm taking the replies on board thank you.

Yes it may well have been me reaching out via PM to congratulate that lead to the block, but it didn't feel unusual to do as that's what he'd always do if I made any public announcements such as the birth of my children etc.

I did enjoy having him in my life at a distance yes. I value people who have been in my life for such a long time. At no point after calling off the engagement did I want him back, but I definitely wanted to have him in my life as a friend because he's a great person. Him remaining in touch throughout the years and 9/10 times being the one to initiate contact had me believe he valued me in that way too.

Since meeting his fiance something in his mind changed the way he felt about keeping me a friend and that's ok, no harm done and there's no animosity from me.

Maybe until his fiance came along he was always secretly hoping that if he stayed in your life there was hope that something might still bring you together. Maybe he took your 'congratulations' as the end of the line for you? You have probably done yourselves a favour, OP.

I've experienced this. Ive had male friends and one or two ex's that we've decided to stay friends, no bad feelings so no reason not to. That have then removed me or stopped contact once they meet someone. What I've found is that women deal with this situation better than men do. I'm happy to stay friends if it's just one of those situations that doesnt work out. But I've found that men, once they meet new partners tend to just block or remove you. I dont know why. If I started a relationship and that person asked me to stop having any interaction with a friend (even if it is just via SM) on the basis that I had previously had a relationship with them or that they were Male, well let's just say I wouldnt be pleased and would go on to explain about the importance of trust and boundaries in relationships.
Neither would I make those demands on a partner either. If it was clear that the relationship and any related feelings were in the past, and the level and type of contact was appropriate then I wouldnt see an issue.
However, as I said before, I've been 'discarded' by a few men I classed as friends. I just think clearly they obviously didnt class me as a friend irrespective of what they said. I'm a good friend so no skin of my nose it's not my loss.
What I do find amusing is when you then get a friend request a couple of years later when they're single again.

Oh I know how you are feeling. I knew my ex since 14, brief engagement at 26, I broke it off. We were really close friends for decades despite what relationships came along for both of us. Then “the new wife” came along. I was instantly blocked from everything, no chats, birthday or Christmas cards, nothing. I was deeply hurt for ages. Fast forward to 5 years after the wife came along. She leaves him suddenly, my exes mother contacts me to help him get through this terrible time. His mum connects us again after 5 years and I help him through the traumatic divorce she subjected him to. He said that his wife was so jealous of everything she told him to not be in contact with me again or any other female. The man complied. He was deeply sorry. That was 10 years ago now and we are back to a fabulous friendship again and his long standing girlfriend he met after his divorce and I are really great friends going to gigs together and having lunch. So, my guess is it’s the fiancé has asked him to stop all communication. Don’t worry if she is controlling him already it won’t last so you will have your friendship back again one day.

I did exactly the same to a few of my exes on New Years Eve. Plus a few 'friends' that were annoying me. No fall outs no negative feelings, I just want to move on and those people were no longer relevant to the life I want now. I dont want to be reminded of what could have been or wound up by political views polar to mine or someone giving me a day by day account of how hard teaching is when I did it for 15 years and just got on with it His prerogative I'm afraid!!

The thing about social media though is that you could probably reconnect at some point in the future unless you've been blocked?

Sorry to hear others can relate but it's nice to know that some of you became friends again later on.

I would have appreciated a brief message just letting me know he feels he has to cut contact for whatever reason, because my automatic assumption when I realised he had deleted me was that I had upset him in some way and I don't think it's very kind to have somebody wondering what they've done wrong.

Hence me posting here.

Taking the sexual relationship out of the equation (because it only counted for a small part of the very long time I knew him and we were friends) I do think it would have been polite to send a quick message along the lines of

"Hi, just to let you know I'm going to remove you from social media. You haven't upset me but (insert whatever the reason) all the best. Bye"

I think it's just the decent thing to do isn't it? I wouldn't suddenly remove any of my female friends with whom I'd been close to for such a duration without letting them know why.

It's a bit crap that just because a very long time ago we were intimate that means he doesn't need to end the friendship on a polite note.

Of course people are allowed to cut anybody off at any time for any reason, but unless they are problematic or nasty then generally the done thing to let them know why and then be done with it.

Why do you care?

@CanWeGoOutsideYet that sounds like far too neat a wrap up for most. I would agree with you but that's just not how most men operate, is it?

Why do you care?

Because we've been friends for years. We were friends for much longer than we were intimate. Because people generally care about their friends?

Fair point NewModel

I do think it would have been polite to send a quick message along the lines of

"Hi, just to let you know I'm going to remove you from social media. You haven't upset me but (insert whatever the reason) all the best. Bye"

Who does that?

Honestly, he’s loved up, and probably realised that he doesn’t want an ex (or exes) on his social media anymore, and doesn’t know (or care) that you’d be that bothered.

So just try to forget about him and enjoy your life. I know that doesn't give you closure but you never know, somewhere down the line he may pop back into your life!

Who does that?

That's the advice I see given on MN all of the time when somebody wants to cut contact with a friend, it's also what I would do myself.

Anyway it's done now nevermind

I think it is strange Facebook showed someone who unfriended you in suggested friends.
Perhaps he closed his old account because it was hacked or he was fed up with it and has opened a new one.

It's weird he could have just let things drift and stopped initiating contact.

At least you know you won't be getting a wedding invite...

You do realise that removing you from Facebook does not mean you’re not still considered an old mate right ? You’re unrealistic to say he should have messaged to advise you he was removing you from his Facebook friends list. I’d say all of us here have deleted people & been deleted and not given or received a message to notify.

It’s called a Facebook cull !

Definitely don't see a wedding invite for us coming in the post

Anyway it is what it is. I'm sure our paths will cross at some point and there's no bad feeling as far as I'm aware.

I'm alot less bothered than I was when I posted. It has been a crap week and I was already feeling a bit fed up in general so I probably took it to heart more than I should have.

It is always the OW being moody about it. Same with my ex, ghosted me after OW kicked up a fuss.