No Contact

[AnotherOneBitesTheDust]

Going through a pretty rough time at the moment (in the grand scheme of world miseries not so rough, but it's all subjective).....was dumped after a huge row, currently 10 days no contact. Does anyone have any stories of the other person realising their life was miserable without you and coming back? I need some hope to fuel my fantasies!

Day 14 no contact. For me today. I know he removed my number from his contact list before when we argued so I'm assuming he did it this time too. In which case he's leaving the ball in my court. I know he would reply if i text but whats the point. It ended because of how little effort he put in in comparison to how much he expected me to put in so that says it all really. He was flakey and unreliable and i deserve better. Yes i miss him. Yes i loved him but ill be damned if i want to be with him again, making me feel like im just not important.
The thing is I realised that if I went nc it had to be to give me the time to get over him. Not just another tactic for me to use to try and get him to see my worth. He won't change. People who deserve 2nd chances don't actually need them. So nc is easy as syn once you've accepted it's over. Rather rhan using it as a waiting game, thinking right I'll show him.
If he didn't care when you were together why would he now.
I accepted my rship was over, nc was part of that. So knowing he would've deleted my number and would be expecting me to make the move I thought fuck it. I deleted everything. His number our messages, absolutely everything with his number attached. I then came off of wa for a week. I deleted messenger and deactivated my fb account. We met online so I deleted my whole pof (has obvs been dormant our whole rship) account too knowing that was another possible avenue of contact. Basically I can't contact him and he could only contact me if he had my number. End of. It's emotional freedom on a whole new level and you know what fuck him. If he can't treat me right I'll show him how a queen moves on, with style and grace.

@Lau247 we argue a lot and to be honest the relationship is bordering on emotionally abusive, maybe that's why I'm thinking how I am now, I'm kind of conditioned to think a certain way and be worried about certain things. It's the typical when it was bad it was bad, but then there were the good times. Last month we had just short of a week not speaking and he made contact. This time feels different too. He feels like a stranger sometimes, maybe that's just when I'm feeling numb but they are the scariest moments because if I feel like that then he is bound too as well. I'm the same, up until recently I have always been in touch first. Even this time after we argued i tried for a good week to talk and at least have it end amicably but no. It's either a form of 'punishment' which I know is wrong anyway or he has just gone, probably both. Honorary member of the #stalker club here too! Lol. A spare sim card may or may not have inserted itself in my phone the other day, created a WhatsApp account and checked his online status because I am blocked on his usual account and I had convinced myself he had died in a week and that's why he hadn't messaged (obviously the only reason someone wouldn't message me is because of death?!) Haha. Thank God for the anonymity of mumsnet! I'm mentally not very stable at the moment! Hes never had form for turning up and I dont think he would. Deep down I know he doesnt care and I know all the hope I'm giving myself is silly. You just feel pathetic dont you? I'm a grown woman, act professional at work, put on a front but underneath I'm a crazy person lol. Wow the letters/photos etc are intense! It's weird how he can be that full on and then it go to nothing. And that is my reasoning for keeping going. I want to settle down and have a family and time is ticking so I cant afford to waste anymore time on someone who makes it clearer every day where i stand in their life!

@GreyCloud81 day 11 today for me too.....how are you feeling? Where has he gone for 11 days without any belongings?! I've been in that situation with the same person too. We used to live together and I put everything of his in another room to try to mentally distance myself from it. It didn't work though because I knew what was behind the door when I walked past and it was almost worse in a way. Have you told him to come and collect his things? Your situation is worse than mine because at some point you are going to have to have contact to sort that out and sometimes having no contact and being in a little bubble oblivious to what they are up to/feeling/thinking helps to get through each day.

@ALittleBitConfused1 I love your post, you sound like you have your shit together! I cant wait until I'm in that place. I'm trying to accept it at the moment, I dont want to cling on to hope and have the torment of technically going through two breakups when reality properly kicks in that it's over. The effort thing was the same with me. There were obstacles, but even when we were in contact recently and in a 'good place' I still felt deflated and like I was putting in more. Well done on deleting everything! I'm pretty much there too, any little reminders have been put in a bag in a cupboard, but I find myself noticing the spaces where they used to be more than I noticed the actual things when they were there. I love the last sentence of your post, I will be repeating that to myself every day now! I acted a bit pathetic at first and let my emotions get the better of me and as hard as it is getting through the days, it's now (pretty much) 11 days where I haven't played into his hands and given him the satisfaction of hearing me crying. I wasnt perfect at all and there were things he put up with too, but what I keep telling myself as well is that I'm glad in a way that I'm hurting right now. At least hurting shows that I did genuinely have the feelings i said i had. So if he can walk away from this what have I lost? I've lost nothing. But he's lost someone who genuinely loved him so more fool him.

@anotheronebitesthedust yeah we argued a lot too almost daily just before we went NC. I would say same for me that there has been good times obviously but i fell pregnant last summer not planned and he completely turned he didn’t want anything to do with it said he would suppprt me either way but actions showed other wise he didn’t contact me and wouldn’t respond to me I had to tell his family to get him to contact me and I made the very hard decision to terminate because I don’t think I could have done it alone my family don’t live local and I have a mortgage that I would struggle to afford alone whilst on mat leave he didn’t come with me to the termination and we went NC for a month after I heard nothing from him and I was the one to break it even then. Stupidly we got back together and he has never been the same since I told him I was pregnant that day. I held a lot of resentment towards him and he wasn’t even trying to be a better man.

I think it may be a good thing he has blocked you tbh that way even if you message it won’t go through and you won’t be breaking the NC I have asked mine to block me numerous times and he won’t.

I also thought the death thing because beflre we went NC he was crying down the phone to me telling me he was severely depressed so I started to think the worst.

How long were you together and how old is he? Does he still live with parents ?

I’m close to my work colleagues so they know what I’m going through so at work sometimes I do have a rant about him lol but I still feel a bit pathetic cos he’s done so much and I shouldn’t even care where he is or what he’s doing.

As for not being mentally stable I feel the same I suffer from anxiety anyway but my mental health has taken a nose dive since the pregnancy and he has massively contributed to it I’ve had conselling and I’m on the waiting list for CBT. He knew all of this and how it was effecting me and pretended to care but carried on doing the same things. If someone is effecting your mental health then they really are not good for you but sometimes you just kinda get stuck.

Yep he was quite intense this was all before the pregnancy really after that he stopped doing all those things he completely changed he would just do them to get me back anyway but he wouldn’t change his ways .

@Lau247 oh I'm so sorry you had to go through that on your own. That just shows the type of man he is and you are so much better off without him! Did he go to the termination with you?

I'm just into my 30s and hes late 30s. We used to live together but live separately now. How he acts and the games he plays though you would think he was a lot younger. To be fair how I am acting now I feel a lot younger, I feel like I should have a bit of life experience behind me now and be able to handle these situations, but apparantly not.

I am the same with work colleagues which is good I guess, I find I get so many differing opinions from people though and it's just a bit self indulgent and encourages me to wallow and analyse! Some people think hes met someone else and that I should be dating.....i couldn't think of anything worse right now. He might deal with it that way and if he does so be it, but it will just end up making me feel worse in the long run!

I suffer with anxiety too, I've never been to see anyone about it though. I should probably use this time to work on myself so mistakes I made dont repeat themselves when I eventually meet someone new. The thought of the bank holiday weekend coming up now isnt helping either. It seems like an endless amount of hours to get through, mind being in overdrive. Some people would kill for a few days to themselves wouldn't they? But having every weekend is just torture right now.

Oh my goodness ladies, I also thought the death thing! He told me he was depressed, suicidal and then no contact! I assumed the worst! I wonder if this is a ploy of toxic men to keep us tethered to them?

@anotheronebitesthedust yeah I know it does and you would have thought I would have left him then even I thought I would have at the time but clearly not.. no he didn’t come I went with my friend to all the appointments his excuse was he felt I didn’t want him there and pushed him out .. and he was right I didn’t want him there cos of how he was acting which I feel was the plan all long so he could completely distance himself from it all.

Oh okay he’s a bit older than mine then he is 32 but yes same acts much younger does yours have kids with anyone else ? I’m 29 and feel the same like why am I even bothered by this loser but I can’t help it and I’m not having a great day today tbh.

My friends tell me to date aswell and I have guys I talk to that are friends but interested and I’m not interested tbh.. I joined tinder but I have no interest to even chat to anyone. I have a feeling he is dating someone else but I thought that when I was pregnant and he wasn’t but I have my suspicions too.

Tbh my ex was busy a lot he worked 7 days a week so the bank holiday doesn’t bother me too much as one of our big issues was that he never made enough time for me so even if we were together I garuntee I would have been left till last. That being said because I’m not with him I feel I need a plan for the whole weekend as sitting around thinking about this situation makes it worse I was the same over the Easter bank hol too I always feel like I need to have plans when me and him Aren’t in contact which isn’t always easy when your friends have young children so I understand where you are coming from totally. Yep my friends always say they wish they had some me time.

@whatisgoingonwithmylife I think it may be just that ! Mine didn’t say he was suicidal but he kinda did without saying it. It’s also an excuse to justify their behaviour... saying they don’t know who they are anymore they don’t like themselves etc I’ve heard it all

@anotheronebitesthedust
To the outside world I'm calm, in reality I'm drowning, angry, hurt and upset and just want to scream at him. He had a OW lined up, so he went to hers. I understand he can easily replace clothes etc... but how he is going to replace all his and the DSC personal documents, memories, photographs, business accounts and paperwork, is beyond me. Hence why I am waiting for the NC to be broken at some stage, but the waiting is driving me insane. Along with the fact their belongings are still here, even though most are shut away, like you said they are still there. I've told him to come and collect, but I don't think he has got any of the messages. I can't send a letter, as I don't know where he is living. I can't even said an email, as I solely managed his email accounts!!

I'm early 30's too, and still lacking life experience to deal with these men, or spot them in the first place, so don't worry. Every always seems to have a different opinion on the matter, and leaves you analysing everything you said and did. I too dreading the weekend.. alone, should have been doing something with the Exp and the DSC.

@Lau247 Sorry you had to got through that on your own. Sometimes you do just need to rant and get it our your system. My MH and anxiety has took a plunge too.

@Lau247 I'm glad you had friends around you to help you through, that must have been awful. Yes he does have kids with someone else, that caused problems to an extent because due to work commitments he could only see his kids at the weekend so he had them every weekend which meant no couple time. I felt I was fighting for his time too, I would have always wanted his kids to come first, but it was crap feeling us drift apart and knowing that there just wasnt the time and knowing that our relationship would have never been a priority. Bank holiday has the same effect for me really, I'm not sure if I'd have been seeing him, but it's more just having empty days knowing that if there is nothing planned it's harder to get through. How are you feeling tonight? Have you been keeping busy? I've been to see a friend which was nice, felt positive for a couple of hours and could actually see a light at the end of the tunnel and then I got in the car to drive home and just started crying ha.

@GreyCloud81 I can't even begin to imagine how you're coping with that. You're a much stronger person than I am. Breakups are hard enough as it is but knowing someone else is involved is awful. I sit imagining it and it could be true who knows, but ignorance is bliss. He sounds really quite sadistic to be honest, does he enjoy torturing you by leaving you in limbo not knowing when he will be in touch? Or is he just a coward and ashamed of how hes acted pulling the disappearing act? He doesnt sound as though he is someone who cares at all how he has made you feel. Do you get on well with his children?

@anotheronebitesthedust yeah it was an awful time tbh thank god I had my friends or I don’t know how I would have got through it. That must have been hard as like you said you wouldn’t want to seem like you trying to come beflre his kids.. so that’s a tough one but they will make time it they wanted too

Yeah definatly know what you mean about bank hol luckily I have plans for most of the weekend as it’s the weekends I struggle the most really as during the week I’m working.

Tonight and today hasn’t been so good I guess cos I’m approaching 3 weeks now and not heard a word it’s starting to feel more real and then the anger sets in and you start thinking I can’t believe he has the cheek to not even see how I am after what he’s doing etc etc Lool

It’s good you saw your friend and kept busy but bless you for crying on the way home you just have to try and remind yourself why your not together and imagine the time your wasting with this person when there is someone out there who will give you what u want .. easy for me to say can’t event take my own advice lol

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust
Hope your feeling better now.
I too went to see a friend tonight, felt strong, then cried all the way home, now I can’t sleep!!
That’s how I feel at the minute, like he is torturing me, punishing me when I’ve done nothing wrong. It’s horrible, as I hate the fact the DC have no belongings, and that they’ve lost their home, friends, family, because of his selfish attitude and cheating. I think he is a coward, no words could justify what he has done. But surely this has to come to a blow soon? I’m going to try and deliver a solicitors letter tomorrow to him, in reference to the business, and hopefully break the NC! As when all this is done, I can then go NC properly.
Yes I was really close with the DSC, prob too close. They called me their step mum, this was their home, I’m even a governor of their school, and did all the collections and drop offs.

@Lau247 Hope your feeling better? And the anger stage passes, to the no f**ks given stage soon!

@Lau247 lol I never take my own advice, it's so easy to see clearly with other people's situations isnt it, but when it's your own emotions cloud it all. Oh the anger stage is good!!!! Its bitter sweet though isnt it. I woke up this morning feeling happy. It was very surreal. I drove to work feeling happy, actually looking forward to the weekend which is a complete 360. I felt more relief I guess, maybe its acceptance to a degree. And then I thought can I really have moved on emotionally after 12 days?! Can he ?! Then I got to work, heard a song on the radio and felt sad again. God damn you Tom Walker.And then began the trip down memory lane and then the fear and panic that he has someone else to occupy him. It's a rollercoaster isnt it? If he doesnt get in touch do you think you will ever contact him again after some space? My relationship had been on the decline for a while, we argued that much that we only really saw each other once a month if that. So there are no new memories really to miss which is sad because that in turn means nothing to draw us back together really. We still kept in contact pretty much every day and had some good runs of a few weeks so there is that to miss, but it terrifies me because I'm starting to realise it was probably the best thing to happen and I feel 'free' to an extent, but on the flip side I do love him. And I dont think that puts me in any better position really. What are your plans for the weekend are you doing anything nice?

@GreyCloud81 Do you think it will work out with the OW? I really hope he comes crawling back at some stage and you're strong enough by that point to tell him where to go. Disgusting behaviour. Tearing apart his children's lives too, how and why did he think it was worth it?! Will you maintain a relationship with the SDC? I hope you're feeling positive today, the solicitors letter will give you back some control and not let him think he can dictate how it plays out by going into hiding. Have you managed to make some plans for the weekend?

@anotheronebitesthedust I don’t think many people do take their own advice lol but your right it’s so easy to give but not take it. I’ve had days like that where I wake up and feel happy don’t think of him as much and feel like I’m over it too then I have days like yesterday where I feel quite down about it.. it’s all part of the process in getting over someone but we are still at really early stages 12 days and 18 days compared to years with someone isn’t a lot of time really.

I have that fear and sometime random thoughts pop in my head of him with other women and wonder what he’s doing but I don’t think he’s anywhere near Ready for a serious Rship so it will be the same with whoever he’s with I think.

The mind frame I’m in now no I won’t contact him if he doesn’t me as it’s always been me breaking contact and I feel he is waiting for it. Will you ?

Exactly the same for me were saw each other very little towards the end due to the arguing I haven’t actually seen him for a month nearly now but we would still be in contact daily . It’s sad really but even if your in contact just to argue it feels better than no contact at all sometimes cos it feels like well at least he cares.

I feel the same as you kinda feel free and see it as a positive at least I’m not stuck in this and I can go and meet someone better but then on the other hand you think ahh well I know him inside out I’m comfortable around him and it’s shit that I’ve gotta start all that again.

I’m going out tomorrow night to an actual club lol haven’t been to one In a while mainly
Just bars and on Sunday I’m going for dinner with some friends. What about you ?

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust
I don’t know if it will work out with the OW. I hope it doesn’t. After all the lies he told the pair of us, I’m shocked she took him back, but that’s her life and mistake. I would love for him to come crawling back, so I could give him the middle finger though.

Today I’m okay. Nervous about going to drop this letter off... it’s only a piece of paper though!! I’ve already taken 3 calls this morning for his business, constantly feel like I’m organizing his life! And having to repeat myself saying we are no longer together, and don’t have any contact. However as our jobs are connected, I know this isn’t going to be the end.

I want to maintain a relationship with the DSC, however under the circumstances I don’t see that happening

I agree The anger stage is good, I still think I’m in that stage, and shock. The upset is to come. Understand what you mean about Tom Walker, Lewis Capaldi, Ed Sherran, them songs just open up wounds. But your beginning to feel free, hopefully that will last, and you can build yourself up. Of course you will still hold some “love” feelings, he was part of your life, and that doesn’t just go away.

I’ve not really got any plans for the weekend yet.

@Lau247 I suppose a couple of weeks is nothing really is it when you put it like that. It seems a lot worse than it is though because of the complete radio silence. Quite a lot can change in a couple of weeks can't it so I wonder how his life has changed. I hope it's for the worse lol. Knowing my luck he has probably won the lottery and is on a yacht somewhere all over a playboy model. Brilliant. I'm not sure if I will contact him. Maybe at the month/6 week mark I might send something. But I might not have anything I want to say at that stage. If I did say anything it would be more of an acceptance really and a way for me to get final closure and completely draw a line. I feel the exact same about the arguing. Sometimes I would push and push knowing it would create more arguing but I would rather us be in contact arguing than nothing at all. Seems silly now I've gained some perspective but I guess that's all part and parcel of a toxic relationship. Oh I definitely cannot be bothered with starting over...going through all the 'firsts' again, learning to trust, being disappointed. I hate dating with a passion, much prefer to fast forward to about 6 months into a relationship in the comfortable happy stage. I'm jealous, clubbing will be fun! But no drunk texting!! Are you likely to bump into him when you are out?

@GreyCloud81 the calls sound tough, they are constant reminders when you are trying to push thoughts of him away! Has the letter now been dropped off? That's such a shame with the SDC. Hopefully when things settle you will be able to have some sort of contact with them, how old are they? The feeling ok stage has passed for me now, I have spent the last hour trying to find distractions (eventhough I'm at work which should be distraction enough!) and have even been googling puppies contemplating getting one as a new focus. Come Monday I will be like melissa McCarthy in bridesmaids owning all of the puppies ha. This is slightly morbid but sometimes I wish i could just fall unconscious for a couple of weeks to skip all this out. Wake up refreshed with some missed calls and messages saying what a mistake he has made and life would be all good again.

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust
They are... its like I just want to move on with my life, and tried and get over the hurt. But every day there is a constant reminder of him. Just been to drop the letter off. He looked like he seen better days, black eyes, tired, general mess. At first he seemed willing / open to discuss matters, then he just got spiteful, rude and obnoxious. Great qualities!
The DSC are 4 and 6. How he was today, I don't see us having contact. He left is as I would hear from him later, and that i need to watch it. Very doubtful that he will contact.
Hope you've managed to distract yourself at work, I also googled puppys don't think I will get one though. You going to? Bridesmaids is a great film, if you need cheering up.
Agree with the whole starting again thing, the whole rifling through the single men again, fills me with dread. If you find a time machine to get us through the next 6 months, and then fast forward again in to 6 months of a relationship... it would be great.

@GreyCloud81 how did you feel seeing him? Nice that he didnt look his best, at least he isnt having the best time. The weird thing when not speaking to someone is you tend to romanticise things dont you? And then when you see them you almost feel a bit deflated that it wasnt like what you built it up to be. He said you need to watch it?! Wow. He really is awful isnt he. I'd love a puppy at some point and although it would be a great distraction right now it wouldn't be fair on the dog because I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. I need some sort of focus though, just feel a bit lost. I got home from work, ate more chocolate than I care to admit and then decided enough was enough and I went for a run. If by some miracle I do see him again I dont want to look like I fell apart and comfort ate the whole time even thought that's all I feel like doing. A time machine would be an absolute life saver right now. I'll keep a look out lol .

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust
I had felt sick and anxious all last night and today, up until the point I saw him. Worse bit is I looked at him, thought you look 'beat up' which I assume he has got himself in to a fight, or the OW kicked him into touch, but I knew when i looked at him that I still loved him, despite what he did. But I would never go back to him. As the person I loved, isn't the person he is and I need to understand that.
Yep he said I need to watch it, he is coming for me. Think its just scare tactics, but has left me slightly on edge. I would have said a few weeks ago that he isn't at all that type of person, but I would have also said that he isn't a cheat.
I feel lost too.. do you work the standard 9-5 (ish hours) and have the evenings and weekends to dwell too? Run would probably help clear your head, and see if more as re-building your life and self esteem for when you meet someone new, not for if your run into the ex. Do you live close to each other?

@anotheronebitesthedust no a couple of weeks isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of things and men have a tendency to even pop back up after 6 months / year even longer. A lot can change in a few weeks yeah and that does have me wondering but radio silence is for the best it’s the only way really and I do feel a lot more less anxious and more peaceful not having huge arguments every day. Lol at the playboy model.

If you get to 6 weeks not speaking and he hasn’t spoke to you then I wouldn’t even bother messaging him he may ignore it and you would have come so far and have to start over again.

I wound also push and push and once the arguments started I would be so angry
I wouldn’t know how to stop it was really a toxic Rship towards the end and I admit I said a lot of horrible things but it was mainly because I couldn’t forgive all the things he had done.

I know getting to know someone all over again can be exciting but also scary as well. I just can’t be bothered but then I feel I should be single for a bit but then I feel pressured because of my age I need to meet someone.

Should be fun but will be the first time I’ve gotten drunk since not speaking to him so my friends have given me strict Instructions to Delete his number lol but I really feel no urge or want to talk to him right now.

No chance I’ll see him we do live local about 15 mins from each other but we live in London and the place I’m going is in a different part plus he rarely goes out he works all the time and in the evenings he does very little apart from meet his friends and chill round there’s really.

Does your ex live local to you ?

@anotheronebitesthedust also read what you’ve been saying about the puppy.. my advice don’t do it !! I got a puppy about a year ago and I could not handle it I ended up having to give it back to the breeder. It was a lotttt of work I was still with my ex then but he didn’t live here so I was very much doing it on my own and I’ve never had dogs growing up. I knew this when I got her but it is like having a baby it would cry even if I went into another room and I have a one bed flat so wasn’t like she couldn’t hear me. I always wanted a puppy and was never allowed one when I was young lol I’d love to have one but getting one alone was very very hard especially if you work 9-5.. I kinda make my decision on a whim to get one and I did lose money and mess the puppy around by giving it back and I didn’t think it though.

@Lau247 @GreyCloud81 how are you both doing? How was your night out @Lau247 ?! No he doesnt live local, when we both moved out of the house we shared he moved about an hour away. I suppose that has its positives, not much chance of bumping into him.

I think I will hold off on the puppy for now!!! I've been trying to keep busy all weekend, but nothing has really helped that much. Hope you're both ok