No Contact

[AnotherOneBitesTheDust]

Going through a pretty rough time at the moment (in the grand scheme of world miseries not so rough, but it's all subjective).....was dumped after a huge row, currently 10 days no contact. Does anyone have any stories of the other person realising their life was miserable without you and coming back? I need some hope to fuel my fantasies!

@mjvb123 how long were you together? How and why did it end?

@lifegoes We were together a year.
It ended badly... we had an argument and despite my apologies, he ignored me and I guess 'ghosted' me. I didn't hound him, but any attempt from me was greeted by silence. I gave up, as I was so hurt by his behaviour. It didn't match the rest of the relationship at all, I don't get it. To this day, I do not get it.
I knew he wouldn't leave it though. So a couple of months ago he gave me a message through a mutual friend. I even did a thread on here asking how to respond!
To be honest, I think he knows how much he hurt me, but has so far been far too much of a coward to come directly to me and face this. I think he does regret his actions.
His mum was starting to get poorly again, towards the end of our relationship. We talked a lot about it.

I just read through this. There used to be a no contact thread a while ago... but we never started a new one. I think everyone got there.

So all I can say is, you'll get there. Each of you in this thread will find peace at some point. And I can't stress enough how much this thread will help each of you.

I started my no contact when I was about 4/5 months pregnant. It's hell. There will be days where you get to 34 days no contact and you break it and start again. But never give up. Because you know what's best for you.

I did a total of about 3 months no contact and finally pushed all the feelings away. It seems like the hardest thing in the world, but you will feel so much better when you come out the other side!

I'm so much happier, I don't sit and worry and think about what could be. (I mean so much has happened since then) but the NC helped me move on from it.

Sorry for the going on and on.

I hope you all get through it! ❤️

@mjvb123 honestly based on he acted he deserves NOTHING from you. You are looking (maybe subconsciously) to just reach out to him for contact.

I read something once about a break up abc it's true.

We don't want contact because we want them, we want contact to know they want us!!

And that actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it.

@lifegoeson that is so true that we don’t want contact because we want them we just want them to want us! I’ve read that before too and totally agree

@lifegoes I wouldn't say I was actively looking for an excuse to contact. I've gone 6 months without contacting him! He treated me awfully in the end.
And though I'm fully aware, that his birthday, his mum dying isn't any of my business anymore. But I know that there's a part of me that will always love him, and will always love what we had... so I guess it's that part of me that looks at things like this emotionally.
I have heard that somewhere too, and I think there is truth in it. We look for validation from them, that it wasn't all a waste of time, that it wasn't all a lie and that we did matter. Breakups really do make you vulnerable.

@mjvb123 that's why I said subconsciously you look for it. I remember after my ex (who was a full Narcissist) I heard something about him and health and wanted to reach out. I thought it was a nice thing to do. My therapist asked why he deserved my "niceness" when we got to the bottom of it. It was just to have some form of contact with him. You think you want what you had, but the way he acted at the end proves what you meant to him. (I'm only doing tough love here).

You are worth so much more, you didn't deserve the way he treated you. You didn't deserve to feel the way he made you feel at the end. He doesn't deserve your care or niceness anymore. 😘

@Lau247 It's so true, I remember reading it thinking I get that, I really get that.

When you don't get the closure it really lingers on the mind

@Lau247 I live up north and saw rain on the forecast for the weekend so was pretty happy with that, the bitter child inside me would prefer for him to have a weekend full of rain and wind than sun Haha. I thought that too that maybe he is relieved and happy that I've finally gone. We shouldn't feel like that really, it just goes to show how it affects your confidence doesnt it, we should be thinking we are amazing, you should be devastated that you lost someone that put up with all your crap. Oh no did you say something bad? Maybe men do speak to each other, they are apparantly human after all. I used to think that too, if a man wants something he does what he can to get it. But everyone has limits dont they and you could have messaged him too but you haven't and you have still missed him. So whatever you are thinking about him, he could be thinking the same.

@mjvb123 I personally wouldnt use his birthday as an excuse to reach out (lol who am I kidding, I'd use him getting a good deal on his weekly shop as an excuse to get in touch if I could). Maybe he has been holding out for his birthday thinking you may reach out? Dont do his work for him, you've come really far so it would be a shame for it to all unravel now and you will have the old anxious feelings of wondering if you'll get a reply and then you may get a reply and realise the build up was for nothing because hes an idiot anyway. I'd just think of it like this, if he ever does decide to get to make that effort and get in touch and apologise, at that point you can ask him about his mum, ask him how his birthday was, ask anything you want, but I think you'll just be disappointed if you contact him before then at this stage. If you send a message and you get a short reply acknowledging it and then nothing more, you will feel worse for not having received the apology you want and deserve. You are obviously a lot kinder person he is to be even thinking about getting getting touch and still caring and he lost the right to have you care about him when he treat you how he did, so I would just keep reminding yourself of that!

@lifegoes I think deleting his number will be my next step. I dont even know what I'm worried about....I'm blocked so could get in touch anyway. Maybe it's because it feels like he is further and further away each day so that just confirms it more. It's different when you delete a number in anger isnt it, its fuelled by feelings, but deleting it because you've just given up and are drained by it all is quite sad.

@GinIsHappiness that is lovely thank you and I'm glad you are a lot happier. It is quite surprising how much talking to people you've never met and probably never would without this thread helps 😊 its nice that we are all in it together eventhough we are miserable Haha

@lifegoes Sorry if I came across snappy, I didn't mean to.
It's just these past 6 months have been the hardest of my life, I've tried so hard to put myself and my own well-being at the forefront of my actions.
I've really battled with trying to process the end of my relationship. How his actions just didn't seem to match up to everything that lead to it.
I've had to keep bringing my thoughts back to this place, when I get wistful.
I know that in the end, he didn't treat me with the love, care and respect he should have.
It has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to accept; that I allowed myself to be vulnerable and love someone, who clearly didn't think very much of me in the end.
Thank you for your advice

@anotheronebitesthedust haha it’s raining all weekend here too but my ex works weekends anyway literally the guys life is work lol another major issue we had as he basically had no time for me. Yeah we should be thinking that they should be the ones wondering what we are doing and worrying but apparently break ups hit women hard straight away and we feel the loss and deal with it where as with men it takes a while and at first they are happy then they come crashing down and that’s why they usually reach out a lot longer down the line when the woman has already moved on. Well I told him I was going on a date with someone much better than him who actually cared about me 🙈 total lie Lool very immature of me I know and he didn’t even react. Yeah that’s true they could be stopping themselves from messaging us as well when we have been NC beflre when we’ve got back in touch he’s said he thought about me every day and had to stop himself messaging me as he thought I didn’t want him too.. that could be complete bshit though and that was only a week long

@mjvb123 you didn't come across snappy. I think I really related to your pain as I felt I could see me in there. I was exactly like you, it's so hard to understand why it ended the way it did, why didn't he try, why were you suddenly not good enough, how he could say all those things. It's so hard and they creep back up and it hurts, and pulls you back to day 1.

But remember one thing, YOU were too good for him. That was the problem, you refused to be a doormat and run back to him when he treated you badly. He expected you to go back, as that's how much he respected you. He didn't expect you to be so strong.

So I applaud you, for your strength, your self worth and refusing to let him see how much he's hurt you. (Men like that, love seeing a woman crawl back)

You deserve a man who would NEVER leave you feeling like that, you deserve the best. You are the prize and if he couldn't see that. Then he wasn't worth you.

@lifegoes am I a prize too? 😂 constellation prize probably Haha.

@Lau247 the time thing is annoying isnt it, I had that too. Ohhh that rings a bell, I remember seeing a meme a while back that has the man loving life and the woman crying in the first week and then the last week has the woman happy and moved on (I recall the pic was more graphic than that but we will call it 'moved on' haha) and the man devastated. I cant wait till the day he is devastated. I wish you could buy a break up calendar like an advent calendar, that day would actually feel like Christmas haha noooooooooooo you didnt say that did you! He might think you are seeing someone then? And maybe he hasnt been on WhatsApp because he just deleted the app because he didnt want to torture himself with it either? He has probably been crying into newspapers each day looking our for your engagement announcement Haha. Even some of the ways you've said he has acted though, he has been awful to you so he deserves it.

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust all of us are the prize. It annoys me slightly that we beat ourselves up over men and sit wondering what they are doing, feeling like shit as they didn't contact us.

When you meet the right one, you never feel like that

@anotheronebitesthedust haha yeah I have seen that exact meme lol I do think that is kind of true . Tbh the day he is devastated i bet you don’t give a shit anymore it always goes like that. Haha yeah the advent calendar is a good idea! Yes I did 🙈 not sure wether he believed it or not but he probably does think I’ve met someone else dunno if that’s a good thing or not I did regret it after I said it but we spoke for another 3 days after that. Mmm I did think maybe he deleted the app but he needs his phone for work and uses WhatsApp a lot for it so I’d be quite surprised if he deleted it on my account. Haha I wish lol some how I very much doubt it !

@anotheronebitesthedust haha yeah I have seen that exact meme lol I do think that is kind of true . Tbh the day he is devastated i bet you don’t give a shit anymore it always goes like that. Haha yeah the advent calendar is a good idea! Yes I did 🙈 not sure wether he believed it or not but he probably does think I’ve met someone else dunno if that’s a good thing or not I did regret it after I said it but we spoke for another 3 days after that. Mmm I did think maybe he deleted the app but he needs his phone for work and uses WhatsApp a lot for it so I’d be quite surprised if he deleted it on my account. Haha I wish lol some how I very much doubt it !

@anotheronebitesthedust haha yeah I have seen that exact meme lol I do think that is kind of true . Tbh the day he is devastated i bet you don’t give a shit anymore it always goes like that. Haha yeah the advent calendar is a good idea! Yes I did 🙈 not sure wether he believed it or not but he probably does think I’ve met someone else dunno if that’s a good thing or not I did regret it after I said it but we spoke for another 3 days after that. Mmm I did think maybe he deleted the app but he needs his phone for work and uses WhatsApp a lot for it so I’d be quite surprised if he deleted it on my account. Haha I wish lol some how I very much doubt it !

@lifegoes we do seem to put our lives on hold and waste a lot of time over them. They really dont deserve it. Have you met anyone since your ex?

@Lau247 I cant wait for the day he messages and I reply 'new phone who dis?' Haha. It's got to the stage now where if he did message I would probably just stare at my phone for ages in disbelief ha. I dont think I'd be overly happy, it would be more shock and then I wouldnt really know what to do because I'm in this mindset now of just powering through and finding things to focus on each day to get through it so it would throw me a bit off balance. Would you be like that? What was the conversation like for the three days after you said it, was it ok or pretty strained? I cant imagine it was too cheerful haha that's even stranger that he uses WhatsApp for work yet hes not been on it much. You know his friend though don't you so if anything major had happened surely he would let you know? I started writing a letter a week or so ago. I was thinking about sending one anyway, I dont know if I still will or not but it's been really therapeutic. It wasnt ever a 'I miss you I love you so much let's sort it' kind of letter, it was just honest, said things hed done , I apologised for some things and then it ended basically accepting it all, but I've noticed each time I change it it sounds less victimy (really doubt that's a word ha) and more confident. I wish I had saved the first ever version to compare them now, but I would definitely recommend it to someone starting no contact now. Someone at work said they have written a letter in the past to a member of their family about a disagreement and didnt actually sent it in the end just burnt it when they were ready and that was like closure. I'm not at that stage yet, I'm more at the I would rather burn his house down than put a match to a scrap of paper, but hopefully one day I'll be there Haha.

@anotheronebitesthedust haha he would be shocked ! I would be exactly like that too I was talking to my friend about it earlier saying if he did msg me I actually wouldn’t even know what to say and it’s best he didn’t cos it took me a while to get in this mindset and now like you said I’m just in the getting through this state of mind all it would take is one msg to start the cycle offf again and although I miss him I am sooo much more calm and less stressed without his shit and have been happier not worrying about him messing up etc. I worried about my future when with him especially as how he reacted with the pregnancy and I want kids very soon so this was a big thing and other things and I would think about it almost daily when with him things like god I’m 30 this year and I’m in such a horrible Rship with no future and now I feel even tho I think what if in regards to me and him I feel more free and open to meet someone I can have a future with.

The 3 days after I was trying to be nice as the day after the date convo he broke down crying saying he was depressed etc so I tried to help him and was sending him information on therapy etc conselling then we started arguing again and that’s when I stopped replying. It is very strange he’s hardly been on there as before hand he was one of those constant online ppl in several groups etc.. yeah If something serious happened I know his friend who’s stalking all my stories lol and his mum has my number so I’m sure if anything had happaned I would know and I have seen him online occasionally so he is alive lol.

The letter is a good idea I have heard of that too about burning it I wrote a letter to a previous ex and never sent it.. I used to write my essays out to the recent guy in my notes section on my phone and I read one the other day I forgot to delete and cringed lol I guess that shows we have made progress.. I don’t think you should send the letter.. or burn down his house haha

@lifegoes Thank you, that's very kind of you. The pain is still very much there, even after all this time.
I'm still grieving the loss I guess, and back then I imagined we'd still be together now and I'd be supporting through what's going on with his mum and celebrating his birthday.
It's very sad.

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust What you've said makes a lot of sense!
Maybe he is. He apparently said to a mutual friend, he didn't think I wanted to talk and was unsure if 'we could get it back'. Kind of shows me there is some regret, but he's not doing anything about it. When I think about it rationally, I ask myself do I want to go back to six months ago where my nerves were in shreds, never knowing if he was going to reply, what was he gonna say? I can actually picture his excuses for his treatment, he will say his classic line of 'I didn't know what to say' I don't actually expect to see or hear from him again.
I know he doesn't deserve anything from me. He doesn't deserve me caring, he doesn't deserve my love, but that doesn't stop me doing both. I think I always will

@Lau247 exactly, one message would undo it all and then there would be the wondering what to do and how to handle it. Makes me anxious thinking about it. At least this way it's not ideal for us is it, but we dont have a choice really. I sometimes think am I over it because of feeling like that, but then when i think how much damage one message would do i realise I'm far from over it. You just sort of put a wall up and get on with it dont you. I feel calmer with more distance and I feel happier and more relaxed too, I've started noticing that I laugh more. I always used to joke around a lot, just be an idiot really ha and I've noticed that coming back especially at work and talking to friends having jokes and things again which is nice. I miss him too, I wouldnt ever want to put myself in that situation with him again with everything that went on, but I do still love him and would have wanted things to be different, but then i think i want that when really I didnt do all that much wrong, and he was awful and still doesnt care enough to say anything or get in touch Haha. I used to feel like that too, I'm 31 and I really want a family and whilst I know realistically there is still time (even though I really dont want anyone else right now and can't be bothered with starting from scratch) if I had stayed in that situation it would have been so easy for a couple more years to go by , before i knew it i would have been 35 and either not had the family i wanted or had a family with him and things not have changed so be miserable anyway. Maybe he is just struggling with everything and has taken some time away from his phone or just using it when really necessary? I basically avoid everything, apps, any internet, TV it's only this week that I've had the radio on once driving back from work. The radio is on at work now, the pink what about us song. I want to smash it up Haha. I want him to listen to it and think 'wow pink, you have a point. I'll send her a message saying I cant live without her'. It's weird isnt it because you'll feel so strong and you will be ok and then the smallest thing knocks it. I've done the same reading back essays and cringing. About 90% of what I've said I cringe at Haha. In the moment when you are writing them though they seem such a good idea and like they will pull on some heartstrings dont they? You just keep looking for magic words and phrases and convince yourself each one will be the one that works. I read something the other day that I sent him last year when we still lived together and I had to stop reading half way through because it was so cringey and I just thought why the hell did you say all that feeding his ego, everyother sentence was how much I loved him, I'm pretty sure I called him my soulmate hahaha I'll pretend I was drunk. I was speaking to someone at work about this new and improved letter I'm still unsure of and they thought it was a bad idea and then I read them a couple of paragraphs from the letter (short novel) and they changed their mind. I dont want to give him any satisfaction because he will probably think 'oh look even after x amount of weeks she still popped up again' but its level headed and a different style completely to what I've said in the past and I would rather leave him with that impression and be like well yes you did this and that but I am the mature one who can rise above that, give the relationship some credit because it wasnt all bad and then walk away calmly rather than with the anger and hurtful things he said. I know the best way to rise above it is to just walk away and get a happier life, but I'm a bit torn. I'm going to keep it saved in my drafts, not look at it, and then read it again in a couple of weeks. I will probably have a different outlook again then.

@mjvb123 I kind of get that he would be apprehensive about getting in touch and it does get harder the more time that passes, I get that, but he has no right to be nervous really. He chose to give up that right. You didnt hurt him and you didnt end the relationship. He made those decisions. He wasnt worried about hurting you, so hes an idiot to claim he is worried about contacting you. I worry about that too, that I will always love him. I said to my friend last night that some people just never get over who they love, so what if my life moves on, i eventually meet someone etc but I always love him? I will never ever really be happy because I'm always going to love that arsehole and you are not giving me much hope that months have passed and you love him still haha. I suppose it's a comfort that you really must love him to feel that way and is a credit to you as a person that you are capable of that kind of love, but then the reality is its crappy to deal with!

@AnotherOneBitesTheDust I do too, knowing him as I do, he does this all too often. Completely retracts, and doesn't let on how he really feels. (Though would accuse me of this )
But you're right, he didn't care to consider my feelings. Yet I had in the message from the friend that 'he never meant to hurt me'.
Ah I know, I'm sorry. I think some people do just get under your skin. There will always be a part of me that loves him, I can't let go of that.
That's a lovely thing for you to say; sometimes it frustrates me how 'good' I am sometimes! But that's the purity of my love for him, I guess. Apart from the obvious, he never treated me badly. He's not a bad person, he's just someone who's gone through life making some pretty stupid decisions. When I think about his life; it is pretty pathetic, all his own doing.
You're still in early days, I remember them painfully. It may be a bit of a bumpy ride to come, but you're doing the right thing!

@anotheronebitesthedust I think although NC is hard it can be done but the real test is if/ when they contact us and how we react and if we let them back in or it effect us that’s how you know your over it if you don’t really care.. I guess another sign of being over it is not even wanting them to reach out but I just think imagine if they had we wouldn’t have made it this far and would probably be back in the cycle again. It’s good you feel happy again and that just shows what he was doing to you and how he was bringing you down.. I feel the same I even feel I sleep better I’m on slimming world and I’ve lost nearly a stone now he did always support me if I was ona. Diet but it defiantly helps not having him in the house with his bad food lol that’s the thing we obsess over what if and what they were at the start but the reality is what they are now and that is not what we want.. if they were like this when we met them I’m sure we wouldn’t have even looked twice ! I know I wouldn’t. Yes the essays at the time you think this is great he’s going to feel so bad and change if i say this lol but I saw a meme that said something like don’t send the essay telling him how much hers hurt you because he absolutely knows he just doesn’t care and that is true. If they cared they would have been in touch my ex had no problems turning up here and contacting me off other numbers before so that’s how I know.. and he did always say to me when he didn’t care anymore I’d know cos I just wouldn’t ever hear from him again lol it’s weird cos 3 days before we went NC he sent food to my house randomly cos we had been arguing and he knows when we argue I get stressed and don’t eat then a few days later I don’t hear from him for a month lol! That is why I don’t want to contact him too I don’t want any satisfaction given to him when he sees my name pop up. The letter is it really for closure? Or is it to get a reaction ? Cos I’ve been there with another ex. I’ve even sent this one essays for ‘closure ‘ and asked him to come round lol but it’s never really been for closure. I think coming this far there is no point sending anything to him. Yesterday marked exactly one month since we last spoke !

@mjvb123 did you send him a happy birthday message today? I hope not!! I suppose that would make it harder if he wasnt necessarily a bad person overall because you wont have that many bad memories of him to fuel the anger and hate! Bad memories fade over time as it is dont they so if you didnt have many to fade to begin with, apart from how he acted at the end, there isnt much left to hate him with.

@Lau247 that's a really good point and confirms that I'm definitely not over him then ha. I wouldnt know what to do if I got a text, it would feel strange and I feel distant from him etc but it would still take some level of strength to not go straight back so that says it all really. The month mark is pretty huge, well done! How do you feel about it? Well done with losing weight too that's amazing. I bet it's such a confidence boost too and makes you feel more in control. I did a lot of running tha first two weeks to try take my mind off things and felt happy that at least I was working on myself but then the last two weeks have been very very bad. I ate an Easter egg as a snack the other day. The full egg. And the extra chocolate that came in the box Haha. I need to try and pull it together because I keep thinking even if I ended up speaking to him again, I wouldnt want to see him anyway. I did saw 'awwwww how sweet' out loud when you said he got food sent to you, I'm sideing with the enemy ha. He sounds a bit manipulative with how he was with NC in the past though, very full on, and that's just another example of it really isnt it. But it's a thoughtful way to be manipulative Haha. That's probably his goal though, because now hes not doing that it has you thinking even more and questioning why he isnt. I dont even know what the letter is for anymore. I've changed it that many times that I've even bored myself with it! It was for closure I think, but I would be lying if I said I wouldnt have wanted a reply so maybe my intentions aren't all that innocent. The weird thing is that he actually was the exact same when we met, he was really awful sometimes and i still stuck around Haha maybe hes brainwashed me. That's what I'm going to tell myself.

@anotheronebitesthedust yeah I feel really distant too and like I don’t really know who he is anymore.. I don’t like that feeling it does make me feel sad but I guess that will fade away. Thanks I feel proud I’ve come this far but I also feel god this is really it isn’t it ! I did think I’d hear from him before now but I guess not I’m surprised I even got this far myself. I was still on the diet when I was with him but the early stages so wouldn’t have been able to see a difference but when I’ve got to my target I hope I bump into him lol! Ohh don’t worry about the Easter egg lol I wish I could eat whatever I wanted.. I usually turn to the wine but I can’t even do that at the mo lol with this diet ! Prob good or I would be drunk texting. Yeah you wound think it’s sweet and most ppl would but to me it’s another one of the things he does to try and pacify me instead I would have liked him to take me out for dinner or come and cook with me these are the things he didn’t understand he couldn’t give me the one thing in life that doesn’t cost a thing and that is his time it was the one major factor that ruined us. We also booked a holiday around this time last year and we didn’t even go he lost all his money as he had to pay me back too.. because we argued but I just think he didn’t want to lose out on work he really didn’t like doing things and I’m not that type of person it was such a struggle to get him to do anything that wasn’t work involved. He doesn’t think he is manipulative but he is and the things he does are very confusing up until the days before NC he was still saying he loved me. If you send the letter it needs to be on the intention you don’t expect a reply or you may be very disappointed. Ohh was he ?? So what attracted you to him lol mine was lovely at the start I couldn’t believe it lol I actually thought I’d met the one he was so sweet he used to turn up with flowers before work etc but it lasted a few months and I stuck around two years lol gradually he got worse and worse. But I’m Ina dilemma cos there’s a guy from my work who I speak to a lot and we got close when me and my ex went through our rough off patches and we have slept together in the past before my ex.. for other reasons he isn’t someone I see a future with but we really get along as friends aswell an there is obviously an attraction but he’s asked me to go away abroad for a weekend he knows all about my ex and my situation.. I want to go but I’m worried in the time between now and the trip (July) my ex will try and reconcile 🙈 And also he is a man we’ve slept together before so he will want to again and this makes me feel a abit anxious.. but these are the things I’d have love my ex to suggest and he would have never.. he wants to book it ASAP I’m scared !