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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't stand my husband touching me

80 replies

sleepyawake · 16/02/2019 23:30

Married nearly 10 years, together 17. For the last while every time he comes near me I flinch and when he touches me I literally get shivers, and not in a good way. He'll try to kiss me occasionally and I give him my cheek. I can't even stand to peck him on the lips. Earlier he ran his hand round my waist and I froze, I could feel his touch there for ages afterwards, felt like it started aching where he touched me which sounds crazy but it's horrible. I just can't stand it. Any ideas, anyone else gone through this and come out the other side? Have 2 children and generally a happy life apart from anything remotely intimate. Help!

OP posts:
DBML · 16/02/2019 23:47

This doesn’t sound good...
Has he done something to bother you? Has he given you reason to be disgusted by him?

If not, then how would you feel if you were to separate? Do you love him and want to be with him? Or have you fallen out of love?

Finally, has someone turned your head?

I think you really need to explore what is causing this. Good luck.

Original poster
sleepyawake · 17/02/2019 00:02

Thanks DBML. He's not done anything specific and I'm really not sure if I love him now, I guess not if I have to ask myself. I have no desire for him whatsoever and look forward to the times he works away from home. He frustrates me with loads of little things, they all build up. They really are little things but there's so many and I don't know if I'm overreacting. He's changed physically since we married, weight etc and so have I. He's always telling me I'm beautiful etc but I don't find him attractive physically at all. When I see him naked walking out the shower or something I turn away, can't stand to see that much. He's quite (very) hairy and refuses to do anything about it and they touch of his skin is always so clammy that makes my skin feel wet if he touches me.

My head has been turned by other men so I know I can still be physically attracted to others. Not done anything but had the opportunity. We don't really talk much, I don't laugh like we used to, there's no fun.

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 17/02/2019 00:06

It sounds as if your marriage is over.
You don't like him, he repulses you and you look forward to him leaving.

Why have you not divorced him yet? Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Give yourself and him the opportunity to find other people enjoy life with.

You deserve a man you love to be around and he deserves a woman who loves to be around him.

Original poster
sleepyawake · 17/02/2019 00:20

I suppose I'm scared, very scared of what would happen. Two young boys and we're all happy where we are, school, area, home, jobs etc. I'm scared to uproot them all and don't know how I'd cope alone. I was away for a few days last week and when I got back he was saying how pleased he was I'd come back as he was so exhausted from looking after the boys full time and he missed me so much, he said things just aren't the same when I'm not around and he doesn't know how he'd cope if I ever left. He says stuff like that quite a lot and I've started making jokes about not coming back or asking for divorce. A while back I told him I wasn't happy and he said he was really happy and didn't know what else he could do. He really tries hard to make life great for us all and he does but I just don't have the same feelings. I don't want to upset him and I'm not 100% I wouldn't regret it. Is there any way to get feelings back or if they're this long gone do you think there's no hope?

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 17/02/2019 00:32

Read your own post back. You’re done.

Aridane · 17/02/2019 00:34

He deserves better. The marriage is over

Mrskeats · 17/02/2019 00:38

Game over surely?
You can’t do this for the rest of your life.

Scott72 · 17/02/2019 00:57

"Read your own post back. You’re done."

It does look that way. This is common. He's done nothing particularly wrong, its just she's fallen out of love. Lost the spark. And without that spark of attraction, she can't stand any kind of sexualized touching. Its not either of their fault. Its very hard to turn this around, and the odds aren't good. It would be easier to just split up.

Devendra · 17/02/2019 07:15

How old are you? I'm 47 and in full blown Peri menopause. The feelings of repulsion related to intimacy are common I've read. I feel dead from the waist down most days and sex or intimacy are a chore wheras a few years ago I loved it. I've recently started on hrt which seems to be helping a tiny bit.

Ellapaella · 17/02/2019 07:27

OP says she finds other men attractive though so I doubt it's hormonal.
I think this level of physical repulsion towards him means it's really over OP. Poor guy, imagine if he read your post and how that would make him feel.
You both deserve better, the kids will be ok eventually.

TortoiseLettuce · 17/02/2019 08:11

I’m in a similar situation. DH has a good income so I chose to stay in order that DC can grow up in a nice middle class area with a mother who doesn’t have to work all the time. I don’t earn enough to offer that as a single parent. Plus I’d have to split custody with DH at least every other weekend, possibly 50% of the time, whereas at present I have DC pretty much all the time because he works a lot. And because he works a lot I imagine quite a bit of “his” custody would involve DC just being dumped on his mother, who is an utter nightmare and would model unacceptable behaviour that would get brought home with DC.

Leaving means I could gain a romantic relationship with another man but in the process would lose most of my time with my DC, whose life would become much worse. I won’t do that, it’s selfish and my first priority is DC not romance. There’s no guarantee I’d even meet another suitable man anyway. Why would I ruin my DC’s life just for the chance that I might fall in love?

Bess78 · 17/02/2019 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notgettinganyyounger23 · 17/02/2019 09:06

You need to leave. It's not fair on either of you but particularly him. Having been in a relationship with no intimacy it is soul destroying for the person on the other end of it.

Scott72 · 17/02/2019 09:20

Yes sleepyawake other women have been in your situation. There's a 2005 book called "Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo" by Michelle Langley. You haven't cheated on your husband, but parts of it would still be relevant. In a review of it I found this quote which seems to mirror what you are experiencing:

The author is clear that her interviewees were not being abused or mistreated in any way. Nevertheless, in some cases “the women claimed that when their husbands touched them, they felt violated; they said their bodies would freeze up and they would feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach.”

Nobody really knows whats going on here, but it seems to be a real neurological process. It seems that humans may not be meant to mate for life.

user1479305498 · 17/02/2019 11:10

You sound like me, I have never been that bothered sexually and I was the same in my first marriage too, but this time I found about an old emotional affair and far too much secretive poem and it’s totally zapped the physical attraction. The big problem is I like ‘him’ and we work together, I almost wish I didn’t like /hated him .

user1479305498 · 17/02/2019 11:10

Porn not poem!!

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/02/2019 12:05

I would stop joking about leaving and divorce for a start, as you may need to go down that road...

I have definitely been repulsed by other people's behaviour before and gone off them sexually as a result.

Has he done anything behaviour wise to turn you off or is it purely the way he looks? Have you actually kindly and directly said to him regarding the hair and weight or has it been hints and jokes?

I don't think you're in love with him anymore and its both very unfair and unkind to carry this on. He will learn how to cope with the dc alone no problem if you did separate, people just naturally adjust.

MistressDeeCee · 17/02/2019 12:21

OP you've said so many things about him physically. His size, hair, figure. If a man posted as you have on here, he'd get a roasting.

I'm not sure you'll end your marriage and deal with the upheaval, and stuff to actually work out. Maybe you want a way for him to agree to a sexless, intimacy-free marriage.

Or as an acquaintance of mine does, stay as they've a nice house, a car each, holidays etc and she thinks she'll suffer without his full income in the pot.

He's now having an affair (after years of this) & she turns a blind eye. As long as her life's not disrupted and she doesn't have to sleep with him, she doesn't care.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if he falls in love then ups and leaves. Maybe you'll end up in similar fashion.

Fairest thing for you to do would be to end this marriage but life's often not fair I suppose

SpamChaudFroid · 17/02/2019 12:22

OP can you see yourself living like this for the rest of your life? I've been where you are and it's awful - I used to wear a long sleeved t-shirt and jogging bottoms tucked into my socks to bed because I couldn't bear his skin brushing against my skin. One of my few regrets in life is wasting a good chunk of my 20s and 30s celibate and lonely.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 17/02/2019 12:46

You need to leave him. He is making those comments about you leaving, because he's picking up on how you feel. If you stay like this, you will destroy every vestige of confidence and self-belief that he has. He deserves better. And you deserve to find some happiness somewhere.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 17/02/2019 12:50

I get like this when I’m pissed off woth DH. Have you spoken to him about the way you feel? Maybe if he chanted his behaviour you might thaw a bit.

greendale17 · 17/02/2019 12:55

OP you've said so many things about him physically. His size, hair, figure. If a man posted as you have on here, he'd get a roasting.

^This. OP do your husband and leave him. He deserves better than you

MancaroniCheese · 17/02/2019 13:00

This is such a sad read and Tortoise's post too.

It is really unfair to force someone else to live in an affection; intimacy and sex free marriage because you don't want to give up the financial benefits of the marriage.

I have seen this happen so many times before - often it ends in an affair which ends the relationship anyway.

TortoiseLettuce · 17/02/2019 14:16

It is really unfair to force someone else to live in an affection; intimacy and sex free marriage because you don't want to give up the financial benefits of the marriage

It’s not because I don’t want to give up the financial benefits of the marriage. I’m concerned about my DC, not myself. I won’t make DC give up a nice home in a decent area, a mother who only needs to work part time, access to a car, money for extra curricular activities and easy access to both parents. Just so I can shag around with someone I fancy more than their Dad. Maybe I’ll leave in 18 years time.

ReaganSomerset · 17/02/2019 14:25

Nobody really knows whats going on here, but it seems to be a real neurological process. It seems that humans may not be meant to mate for life.

I think they may well be, but remember that in the 'wild' without modern homes, medicine, diet etc. life expectancy would be around 33. We may have been meant to mate for life, but a much shorter life than we typically enjoy today.

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