Can't stand my husband touching me

[sleepyawake]

Married nearly 10 years, together 17. For the last while every time he comes near me I flinch and when he touches me I literally get shivers, and not in a good way. He'll try to kiss me occasionally and I give him my cheek. I can't even stand to peck him on the lips. Earlier he ran his hand round my waist and I froze, I could feel his touch there for ages afterwards, felt like it started aching where he touched me which sounds crazy but it's horrible. I just can't stand it. Any ideas, anyone else gone through this and come out the other side? Have 2 children and generally a happy life apart from anything remotely intimate. Help!

[deadsexy]

It's difficult he can't fix what bothers me about our relationship, because it's him. We are a unit, we work but guess over the years I've just become very independent and he's become more dependent.

He adores me, the kids adore him, I love him, I love our family. I couldn't break that for my selfishness.

I just love my own company, time with my children and not having to justify my opinions to him or try reason with his.

[TishTish]

Some of you are very judgmental, she’s he only one living her life. Why be negative?

[ittakes2]

I'm sorry I feel really sorry for your husband. You are coming across that you can't stand him but you are staying as you don't want to affect your lifestyle. He deserves better than that. You both do. Get some marriage counselling to see if things can be resolved and if not than you both can have a chance at happiness.

[Shoxfordian]

It seems like you've got the ick
It wouldn't be possible for me to stay married to someone if I couldn't stand them touching me

[Tinkerbell456]

My take on this. If this is a recent thing, is it actually your husband or something else that is the problem? My husband has changed over the near thirty years we’ve been together. Neither of us is love’s young dream. However, I still love being touched by him. Very much so. To be honest, I see the grey hair and pot belly etc. but it’s my D and I damn well love him. It just doesn’t bother me. It does sound as though you and your hubby might be through.

[Robin233]

@Tinkerbell456
I'm with you on that one.
Love dh more than ever - 26 years.
Find his tummy very sexy and his gray hair suits him.

[TeawithCakes]

Hi,
I’m in the same situation and have been for many years. We’ve been married almost 22 years and my husband is 10 years older. Intimacy and sex was always very poor and he lacks drive in all other areas of his life, which drives me mad. I have always been the leader and provider.
I stayed for the children. I was able to go, financially, as I have a good career and I’m senior level in my job. He has always taken advantage of this!! I am now working away from home a lot which I enjoy to be away from him, but not the children. My children are older now (16 and 12).
I entered peri menopause at 45. My periods stopped suddenly. Regular as clockwork and then nothing on month 2 years ago. I became extremely horny!! I still couldn’t go near my husband and my head was turned to other men so I knew I wasn’t off sex (I’m a very good looking and passionate woman). I’ve settled a lot hormone wise (I’m now approaching 48) and realised it was menopause when I started getting other symptoms. However, it has hit me like a brick that I have been deprived of a passionate/intimate relationship. I still want that but can’t with him! Like you, I cringe when he touched me. The age gap doesn’t help. He’s 58. He lacked passion etc. We were not compatible and I’ve realised that!
We are now mortgage free and I’m waiting for my eldest to do his exams this summer but I plan on filing for divorce. He’s a nice man, but just nothing there for me and it has affected my mental health this last couple of years and I have realised how unhappy I am. I haven’t had sex with him in 10 years!!!

Don’t stay with him! Your marriage is over. It’s not fair on either of you to stay together. I’ve realised that now with us.

[Greydove28]

No sex for 10years? Bloody hell Teawithcakes. You need to get your life back.

[Moser85]

A while back I told him I wasn't happy and he said he was really happy and didn't know what else he could do. He really tries hard to make life great for us all and he does but I just don't have the same feelings. I don't want to upset him and I'm not 100% I wouldn't regret it

He will be upset anyway the longer this goes on.

[Moser85]

@Scott72

Yes sleepyawake other women have been in your situation. There's a 2005 book called "Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo" by Michelle Langley. You haven't cheated on your husband, but parts of it would still be relevant. In a review of it I found this quote which seems to mirror what you are experiencing:

The author is clear that her interviewees were not being abused or mistreated in any way. Nevertheless, in some cases “the women claimed that when their husbands touched them, they felt violated; they said their bodies would freeze up and they would feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach.”

Nobody really knows whats going on here, but it seems to be a real neurological process. It seems that humans may not be meant to mate for life.

Disagree that it seems that humans may not be meant to mate for life.

Most of the time when this happens it seems to be because resentments build up and aren't fixable, this tends to lead to less enjoyable sex, intimacy etc, tension over the lack of sex and also the pressure to have sex........and then intimacy is lost.

Or what happens is perhaps there wasn't really any resentments but the couple still stops having that much sex for various life reasons, then the lower libido partner tries to avoid intimacy in case it leads to sex etc...and they lose that connection. When it's due to other reasons other than resentment then it's possible that it might not reach the stage where it's gone forever but it all depends on how the tension is dealt with during that period.

I do think there is often a neurological process that happens once someone stops having sex with someone who they are extremely close to and live with etc....which means that the woman can't see him in a sexual light at all anymore.

But it doesn't just come about because we're not meant to mate for life, the sex and intimacy tends to stop or lessen for other reasons, and that triggers the neurological process, not the other way around.

[Moser85]

@deadsexy

It's difficult he can't fix what bothers me about our relationship, because it's him. We are a unit, we work but guess over the years I've just become very independent and he's become more dependent.

He adores me, the kids adore him, I love him, I love our family. I couldn't break that for my selfishness.

I just love my own company, time with my children and not having to justify my opinions to him or try reason with his.

Surely it's just as selfish to stay when you already know you want to be single "in about 13 years".

Are you going to give him the heads up at any point so he can plan for his own future?

[ofwarren]

ZOMBIE THREAD

[Moser85]

Wow no idea how I was the one who resurrected this thread??

It came up on the first page relationships or on trending, because I never look for posts and I only ever look on those parts!

Confused!!

[Jjnbftgkhfrvjudv]

Have you considered asking him for an open relationship? That way it wouldn’t affect the DC and home/job etc wouldn’t have to change.

[mackthepony]

Zombie

[ItWillBeOkHonestly]

Did this all start when he gained weight and stop taking care of himself? Have you ever really fancied him?

If you did fancy him before and this has become a thing since his physical appearance changed, then you should discuss that with him. If you have an otherwise solid relationship but there's just zero attraction due to his physical changes, physical changes can be altered!

[Julie77k]

Poor husband. You're married and have a child together and can't give him the respect he deserves by talking to him or trying counselling. You're going to throw away your marriage without even trying.

I had issues with loss of affection around menopause but I stuck with it and never been happier now. Good luck

[Sallypally0]

The grass is not always greener even if it might be less hairy.

[princessperky]

I'm much older than you lot but I'm in the same situation. I can't stand my partner of 12 years (we didn't marry) but we are tied financially with my house. Also he has had heart problems and if I told him how I felt, there could be health repercussions and I would feel forever guilty. As it is, I succumb to sex as little as I can although he is still quite active. He repulses me and I'm not sure how I ever fancied him but suppose I must have done early on. We both have grown up children and grandchildren from our marriages. It would also mean breaking up those relationships which are quite close. I have a lover who I met at work but he has really nothing to do with this as he is married and wouldn't leave. It's just a diversion for us both. Wish I knew what to do.

[Porcupineintherough]

@TortoiseLettuce

It is really unfair to force someone else to live in an affection; intimacy and sex free marriage because you don't want to give up the financial benefits of the marriage

It’s not because I don’t want to give up the financial benefits of the marriage. I’m concerned about my DC, not myself. I won’t make DC give up a nice home in a decent area, a mother who only needs to work part time, access to a car, money for extra curricular activities and easy access to both parents. Just so I can shag around with someone I fancy more than their Dad. Maybe I’ll leave in 18 years time.

And your dh is OK with this right? Because you've been open and honest with him about how you see your relationship developing going forward?

[ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus]

he said things just aren't the same when I'm not around and he doesn't know how he'd cope if I ever left. He says stuff like that quite a lot and I've started making jokes about not coming back or asking for divorce.

Joking about something that obviously distresses him? Not really a joke, is it. You really don't seem to like him.

[Mybabeshail]

Hi!! I know this is an old post, but I am in the exact same situation. How did this turn out?

[Nowhereelsetogo90]

@TortoiseLettuce taking feminism back about 150 years there 🙈 as a previous poster said, if you wanted a nice middle class life you maybe should have ensured you could provide one. Poor man.

[Anniepannie1972]

How did this turn out? In same position.

[justasking111]

@Anniepannie1972

How did this turn out? In same position.

If you ask @sleepyawake you may get a reply it's a zombie lthread though