Can't stand my husband touching me

[sleepyawake]

Married nearly 10 years, together 17. For the last while every time he comes near me I flinch and when he touches me I literally get shivers, and not in a good way. He'll try to kiss me occasionally and I give him my cheek. I can't even stand to peck him on the lips. Earlier he ran his hand round my waist and I froze, I could feel his touch there for ages afterwards, felt like it started aching where he touched me which sounds crazy but it's horrible. I just can't stand it. Any ideas, anyone else gone through this and come out the other side? Have 2 children and generally a happy life apart from anything remotely intimate. Help!

[Gardai]

I do think once your partner physically disgusts you it’s pretty much the end. It’s a horrible realisation.
Yes you can drag it out or some women here put up with it ‘for the sake of the children’. But maybe this will affect the children in the long term anyway. Will they not notice the lack of affection between the parents ? Will this make their expectations as adults in relationships a bit odd ?
Just saying that there is always a price to pay for deception no matter how virtuous your reasoning.

[MegaBat]

@TortoiseLettuce it's just a shame that your husband doesn't appear to have any input into what he might like for his own life

[justasking111]

I remember a thread where the wife had suggested her OH used prostitutes for his needs because she did not want to break up the family. I was a bit . But I guess it worked for them. I wonder if she preferred a prostitute to a colleague in the office say because there would be no emotional attachment though.


OP how would you feel if he found someone else who did like him?

[Jaspermcsween]

tortoiselettuce I totally get what you are saying.

Does your husband know you feel this way ?

[Hopoindown31]

@tortoiselettuce

It’s not because I don’t want to give up the financial benefits of the marriage. I’m concerned about my DC, not myself. I won’t make DC give up a nice home in a decent area, a mother who only needs to work part time, access to a car, money for extra curricular activities and easy access to both parents. Just so I can shag around with someone I fancy more than their Dad. Maybe I’ll leave in 18 years time

Nice house, car, money and only having to work part-time. Of course it is just for the DC and it only happens to be a cushy number for you by coincidence. Especially if you can lead on your DH just enough so that he sticks around while you don't have sex with him, then you are getting all the benefits without having to do anything.

Maybe he'll leave you for a younger model well before your 18 year sentence is completed.

[ConfCall]

Maybe it's time to cut him loose OP

• he deserves more I'm sure - as do you.

[TortoiseLettuce]

He knows I’m not particularly interested in sex or kissing etc. He can leave if he wants, so he does have some input into what happens in his life. Imo he puts up with it for the same reason as me - because it’s better for our family.

My point is simply that OP may have bigger ties that just whether she fancies her husband or not. Many people can’t afford to get divorced just so they can get their selfish kicks with someone else. They have commitments to DC, or elderly parents or grandparents, which are best served by a marriage that shares the burden.

[MistressDeeCee]

Many people can’t afford to get divorced just so they can get their selfish kicks with someone else

Since when do you have to be with someone else upon divorce? It's not a requirement, is it?

Being ruthless can have it's come-uppance. Best laid plans n all that. You can never choose someone's reaction and say they'll be a part of your little plan for as long as you think they will.

Justasking re that post the OP came back and updated the H didn't want to go along with the prostitutes suggestion. He found himself a FWB they eventually fell in love and he went off with her. OP was asking how she could get him back. She missed the company I think.

[TortoiseLettuce]

Hopoindown31 there are lots of marriages that stay together for DC. DH’s grandparents stayed together for 40 years because of disabled DC that would be too much of a burden for one parent to care for on their own. My own parents separated shortly after I left for uni and DM moved into a one bed apartment that she couldn’t have lived in if I was still at home. She stayed for me, and for DF’s mother because she had terminal cancer and DM knew she wouldn’t be able to visit her home to care for her if she divorced her son.

[TortoiseLettuce]

Since when do you have to be with someone else upon divorce?

If you don’t intend to be with someone else then why get divorced? You might as well stay put and have the other benefits of marriage.

[snoutandab0ut]

tortoise what a bizarre attitude. Get divorced because you’re unhappy in your marriage! Being with someone else doesn’t even come into it. If you can’t afford to divorce perhaps you should have made better financial plans for yourself earlier in life rather than living off your husband’s dollar. I feel sorry for him, what a miserable situation.

[justasking111]

DeeCee, thanks for that I did think that might happen. A person in a loveless relationship does drift away I guess.

[MistressDeeCee]

Fair enough tortoise but if you're naive enough to believe you'll have your cold marriage and no other woman will ever turn your husband's head then good luck with that.

You've said he can leave if he wants but no doubt you've not told him - so he must part of the comfort package you need in the home

[Mrskeats]

selfish kicks? Seriously?
I have remarried 12 years after divorce as has my ex. Both of us are happier. I don’t regard leaving an unhappy marriage as something I did for kicks. Ultimately kids are seeing an loveless marriage is miserable for the kids and they will move out and have their own life. Then what? Be miserable in retirement too? My kids often say that me and my ex are v different people that didn’t really fit. Staying together for the kids is not the unselfish thing you think.

[dilly123]

Been where you are OP.. final 2 years of my marriage were completely sexless & absolutely no affection or I love you's.. I wouldn't say I was repulsed by him but the thought of him being intimate with him repulsed me. Although he didn't want to separate & as heartbreaking & horrible that time in our lives was I felt like I was setting him free to find someone who could give him what I couldn't.. 10 years on he has & is happy. I don't quite know why my feelings towards him changed so dramatically during our marriage but that's life.. I think setting him free to find love again was as important as me gaining freedom from the feelings of dread at bedtime or when we were alone or the feelings of guilt every time he reached out & I turned away. I won't say life since has been plain sailing, money is tight, life as the resident lone parent can be tough & lonely, we are fairly amicable but now dd is 16 don't need to have an awful lot of contact but life is far too short to for anyone to be as unhappy as you sound

[Moominfan]

You've got the ick

[user1479305498]

I think dilly that's the right attitude, whilst it's sad if you no longer feel the same for whatever reason, it's unfair on the other person too longterm. I think a lot of women though are in the 'not quite sure' range, which doesn't help, they are not sure if it's temporary that they feel that way

[deadsexy]

@TortoiseLettuce I do like your arguments. They resonant quite abit with me. However to think that you would not leave a marriage if someone else was waiting in the sidelines is abit bloody weak.

No ducking chance for me. I would be leaving and never living with another man again.

I would date, go on holiday, has loadsa new sex, even have him stay at weekends but no never marry again.

I do love my husband, but he fucking bores me, he's quite good in bed but it's just he same and has been for 15 years. I miss lust and newness. The chase, the excitement.

At the moment he's a great great dad, a good husband, but I can't wait to be single again in about 13 years for me

[Bobbiepin]

What would our grandparents have done? How is it that they can move through bad patches but everyone from latter generations instantly runs to divorce?

[Hopoindown31]

I wonder how long any of your marriages would last if your husbands new how you all felt and how you have long term plans to leave them when the kids grow up. Seems like such a waste of life all round.

I was brought up in a miserable loveless marriage and I can attest it was miserable for me too as a child. I have a significant number of issues as a result of my shitty homelife and my only wish was that my parents would have moved on earlier and been happy. In the end during my late teens my parents had nothing but contempt for each other and it leaked out into everything.

[Moominfan]

Bobbiepin happiness looks different for everyone. They might have sucked up years of living with someone who repulses them. Not what I would want. I'll take the social stigma of divorce. Had a relationship with a wonderful man who sadly made my skin crawl. Best mate, good company but just had the ick.

[AnnaComnena]

in the 'wild' without modern homes, medicine, diet etc. life expectancy would be around 33.

Average life expectancy would be around 33. That doesn't mean people didn't expect to live beyond 33. The low average is caused by the large numbers of infants who died before their first birthdays. Exclude them, and the average goes up substantially.

[Wanderer1]

I don’t know of OP is coming back or is still reading but I think the opinion that the marriage is over is too cut and dry.
I think some sessions with a good marriage counsellor (just alone not as a couple at first) to explore if you believe your marriage is worth saving could work wonders. You can be honest with him about having some stuff that you don’t understand that you need to work out without holding the threat of game-over over his head. If it appears that you do then you could approach your DH and ask him to attend with you to work together to make any changes required.

[MissSmithToYou]

Jesus Christ @deadsexy - have you re read what you've written? So he's a good husband and a good father and you love him. But rather than tell him what bothers you about your relationship, you can't be arsed and you'll probably bin him in 13 years when he's totally outlived his usefulness

[ReaganSomerset]

@AnnaComnena

True, if you made it to 30 you could expect to make it to 50, but still, people didn't live as long in general.