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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at OH for going away at Christmas?

120 replies

Doyoulikebrocoli · 06/12/2018 13:20

My partner and I have a DS together and he has two DC from a previous relationship. All of his family live at the opposite end of the country to us so for Christmas he is going to take his DC on holiday to visit them but as me and my DS can't also fit in the car we are being left behind. He will be gone for the week leading up to the 25th, back on Chistmas Day.

I'm starting to feel quite upset about this as I have very little family of my own, my dad has just died and my mum works over Christmas and keeps to herself mostly so I will be on my own with DS all week leading up until Christmas. DS is 2 and has suspected ASD so is quite challenging in his behaviour also, so it's going to be a tough week for me.

AIBU to be upset by this or should I just let it go? I don't want to ruin it for his DC as I know they will enjoy seeing their family, I'm just disappointed that we will be left out of the celebrations and spending the time alone.

I've spoken to OH about how I feel and he's said he doesn't have any other choice as it's too expensive to exchange presents by post and he needs something to do with the DC over the holidays. Don't know whether it's worth bringing it up again or just letting it go.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 06/12/2018 13:21

Can you hire a car or get a train to go over with him?

PinkHeart5914 · 06/12/2018 13:23

Weird! Why can’t 5 people fit in the car?

Could you not hire a bigger car?

He can’t take 2 dc to visit family and leave his partner and other child ALONE Shock

OoohAyyye · 06/12/2018 13:24

Can you afford to hire a 7 seater car so you can all go together?

MyKingdomForBrie · 06/12/2018 13:24

He needs to work with you to find a solution I.e. how to transport all of you there! He's being silly.

Original poster
Doyoulikebrocoli · 06/12/2018 13:25

I did mention looking into hiring a car but as we are tight on finances at the minute it's a no. DS would not manage on a train journey of that length either. It just feels like he's made no effort to include us in his plan, He's just decided the easiest and cheapest option is to go without us and that's quite hurtful I think.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 06/12/2018 13:25

I'd let it go. You'll see him Christmas Day and after that I presume? Arrange to see your mum when she's not working.

Or could you afford the train to his family?

Sirzy · 06/12/2018 13:27

Can they travel back on Christmas Eve so you can all have at least part of Christmas Day together (assuming his other children will be going back to their mum later in the day)

Ellisandra · 06/12/2018 13:50

Why do 5 people not fit in the car?

Doesn’t sound like a space issue. It’s OK for families the break some things up - but sounds like there’s bigger issues here.

Sirzy · 06/12/2018 13:52

That depends on the size of the car. I know mine wouldn’t be comfy for 5 people for more than a short trip and wouldn’t fit 3 car seats in either

SilverLining10 · 06/12/2018 14:06

It seems as though hes stuck in the middle. Given that you cant afford to hire something bigger then it comes down to trying to please both sets of children which he seems to be doing by coming back on xmas day.

What would you suggest as the solution op?

HollowTalk · 06/12/2018 14:13

That's really unfair and showing you and your son that you're not considered to be his family.

Why can't he return before Christmas Day? I'd be pissed off if he thought he was going to rock up and have his dinner cooked for him!

Floralhousecoat · 06/12/2018 14:16

Yes he does have a choice op. He doesn't HAVE to exchange gifts. He doesn't HAVE to take dc to see family if it means leaving you and 2 yr old for a whole WEEK. He should put you and ALL your family first. That means not going away for a week.

1busybee · 06/12/2018 14:20

Could he take one of his dc on the train and you drive with other and your ds or you take one of his dc on the train and he drives with ds. If not at least he ll be back for Christmas Day.

Original poster
Doyoulikebrocoli · 06/12/2018 14:23

I do see both sides as I understand and appreciate that he wants to visit his family at Christmas and for his DC to see them also. If he were to not go and to stay here it would be a quieter Christmas for everyone and all of our DC together tend to be quite a handful so I think he is most likely drawn to the idea of having the family support around him with his DC. But at the same time it does feel very unfair on me that he is just choosing to do this without making any real effort to try to take us with him.

With regards to the car, it really isn't big enough for all 5 of us to travel 500 miles one way with 3 car seats and luggage included. Also with our DS having possible ASD he doesn't travel particularly well so it would be a difficult journey with all of us.

I guess I was just posting to have a bit of a moan as I'm feeling down about Christmas, but really there is not much of an alternative as if I was to tell him not to go and cause an argument then it would probably spoil Christmas for the DC.

OP posts:
Floralhousecoat · 06/12/2018 14:24

This should be a case of you all go or no-one goes. It's a time for family. You and ALL dc are now his family. When else would you all get to spend a whole week together? Work and school would never allow that. This time should be spent as a family.

cherrysfortea · 06/12/2018 14:27

All or nothing

Posting presents will cost less than 500 miles of petrol....

I would be very hurt indeed. Tell him if he insists on going he can go from fri-mon before Christmas and come back on 23rd. It is odd that he would leave you behind happily

Workreturner · 06/12/2018 14:30

It is concerning that he is happy to do this.

It’s a bit off too that his family are ok with it.

I’d be saying “as much as i want to see you , I don’t want you leaving doyoulike on her own with GC

SillySallySingsSongs · 06/12/2018 14:30

This should be a case of you all go or no-one goes. It's a time for family. You and ALL dc are now his family

As long as OP and DH never goes anywhere without other DH DC in holidays, after all it works both ways.

Sirzy · 06/12/2018 14:31

Would it actually be in your sons best interest to go?

It sounds like although unconventional at the moment it may be the best way for the children involved

Original poster
Doyoulikebrocoli · 06/12/2018 14:33

It is odd. I know that our DS is a handful, in fact he is very difficult but it's not his fault and we do our best to manage it, but it feels like a massive rejection of both me and of DS as I feel like he doesn't particularly want to take DS because of the difficulties it would pose. I think this is my underlying issue with the situation and perhaps the topic I need to broach with OH.

OP posts:
Cuttingthegrass · 06/12/2018 14:34

I’d let him go it’ll be lovely for his DC and you say they’re a handful when all together. You may find it beneficial for your DS to be able to create a calm atmosphere in the lead up to Christmas Day. And then the excitement of them retuning. Life is about compromise

Original poster
Doyoulikebrocoli · 06/12/2018 14:35

Thanks Cuttingthegrass. That's put things into a good perspective for me.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2018 14:47

As long as OP and DH never goes anywhere without other DH DC in holidays, after all it works both ways.

Well no, because his DC have their Dad, OP and their own mother. OP's DS only has OP and his Dad. Not the same thing at all.

SallyWD · 06/12/2018 14:52

I think the week between Christmas and New year is the most festive time when most people are with their family. It sounds like he'll be with you then. I can see why he's arranged it this way even though it's not ideal. You yourself think it wouldn't be a good idea to take your son. I don't think he should cancel the trip because I'm sure he really wants to see his family and they want to see him. This seems like a reasonable solution. If you're very unhappy about it you could ask him to go for 5 days or something so he's back well in time for Christmas day.

AmbeRiddle · 06/12/2018 14:56

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