AIBU to be annoyed at OH for going away at Christmas?

[Doyoulikebrocoli]

My partner and I have a DS together and he has two DC from a previous relationship. All of his family live at the opposite end of the country to us so for Christmas he is going to take his DC on holiday to visit them but as me and my DS can't also fit in the car we are being left behind. He will be gone for the week leading up to the 25th, back on Chistmas Day.

I'm starting to feel quite upset about this as I have very little family of my own, my dad has just died and my mum works over Christmas and keeps to herself mostly so I will be on my own with DS all week leading up until Christmas. DS is 2 and has suspected ASD so is quite challenging in his behaviour also, so it's going to be a tough week for me.

AIBU to be upset by this or should I just let it go? I don't want to ruin it for his DC as I know they will enjoy seeing their family, I'm just disappointed that we will be left out of the celebrations and spending the time alone.

I've spoken to OH about how I feel and he's said he doesn't have any other choice as it's too expensive to exchange presents by post and he needs something to do with the DC over the holidays. Don't know whether it's worth bringing it up again or just letting it go.

[bethy15]

DP knew there was a chance DS would need to go to hospital but set off on the journey anyway as he didn't want to cancel

Well, nobody wants to cancel their plans, but when a baby is desperately ill and needs to be hospitalised, things shift.

Hell, I've cancelled planned and paid for things because my dog was very ill because I knew where I had to be!

He seems to have little to no regard for the both of you.

When he goes other times in the year, does he go alone, or take his other DC with him?

If you was going to go last year, you couldn't have had a larger car and now have a smaller one (that wouldn't make sense, surely) so how would you have fit? If you do fit, why is it an issue now? It seems somewhat of a cop out that there's no room this year.

[BumbleBeee69]

OP you sound like a single parent my lovely, honest

[SleepingStandingUp]

am nervous about how difficult it will be on my own but that's something I have to get used to as DS is the way he is
You're with the child's father, you shouldn't HAVE to do it on your own. He can't check out of parenting because DS didn't come out the way the baby advert promised

[Doyoulikebrocoli]

DP visits probably 2-3 times a year and they come down once or twice.
Yes last year was a big issue for me. The trip had already been planned, but DS got ill a few days before we were due to go so I said I would stay with him. DP knew there was a chance DS would need to go to hospital but set off on the journey anyway as he didn't want to cancel, same day DS ended up in hospital but DP was already half way through the journey. Luckily DS was out by Christmas Eve.

My DM has been split from my dad for many years and had no contact with him for this time so she is not upset by it. She chooses to keep to herself mostly and works a lot. I have invited her to spend Christmas with us but depending what shifts she gets she may be working the whole day.

This year I will just focus on making it special for myself and DS during the time we have together, I am nervous about how difficult it will be on my own but that's something I have to get used to as DS is the way he is. But next year there definitely needs to be a different compromise, perhaps the family coming down to stay with us if we cannot go up there.

I know DP misses his family terribly, which is why I don't want to kick up too much of a fuss as I feel bad for begrudging him spending time with them. It's a tricky situation.

[Floralhousecoat]

I'm sorry about your loss op.

I can't get over him going away for his annual jolly to see his family when his baby was hospitalized last year. I can't get over him going away so soon after your father's death.
Ok you need to realise that this is not normal or acceptable in relationships. It seems he has made no adjustment to his life to accommodate you and your ds.

[BumbleBeee69]

OP you know he's not going to buy a larger car, he enjoys this week away with his other kids, and it's now become a tradition you and his other DS are not part of. I'll put money on next year being exactly the same. I don't think the Grandparents are ever going to meet your DS, because his Father has engineered it this way.

He sounds very calculating and a total Dick tbh.

[GloomyMonday]

How often does he get to go up and see them all op? He must miss them terribly.

[LannieDuck]

I've spoken to OH about how I feel and he's said he doesn't have any other choice as it's too expensive to exchange presents by post and he needs something to do with the DC over the holidays.

This is a very odd rationale. I expected you to say that he wanted to take the children to see his parents... but thinking it would be less expensive than posting gifts is ridiculous. And if he wants something to do with the DC over the holidays, you do something with all DC, not an activity that excludes one.

I'm not quite clear about your family structure since you say you were only in touch with your DF again quite recently... but will your DM need any extra support this year that she may not be voicing very well?

[MulticolourMophead]

What bethy15 said. He's being selfish, and doesn't really care that much for you and DS.

[bethy15]

So this year you've just lost your father a week ago and he's telling you he's going away for the week before Christmas and leaving you and your DS behind.

Last year your DS was hospitalised and he didn't stay and help you take care of him, he left and went over 500 miles away for the week to enjoy himself.

I'm sorry, this man is extremely uncaring towards you both and the least he is is very selfish. There must be other behaviour throughout the year in which he exhibits the same behaviour as you seem to take it as a given he will do this kind of thing.

[Glasshalffull99]

The fact your dad recently passed away is even more selfish on his part. He should be making these holidays as easy on you as possible. Either plan lots of stops on the way and allow one of the kids to sit in the front so you can be in the back with DS or ask him to get the train with one of the kids. Plan a shorter stay. Few nights maybe? There is ways of going around it. Stop making excuses for his selfish behaviour.

[Glasshalffull99]

I'd be cheesed off tbh. This should have been sorted long ago so you could all go. I understand him wanting to spend time.with his older children and his family. But at the expense of you and his DS is selfish. Why can't him and one of his older children get the train? It's just weird if you ask me. Plus I think it's fair to ask him to get back on the 23rd. It's really unfair that his son won't see him Christmas eve. That's all part of the excitement.

[FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine]

Oh my god, a week ago? I’m so sorry. That’s so recent. That makes it even worse your DP is still planning to skip off for a week when it’ll have been what, a month since your father died? That’s really crap of him, but I get the sense from your posts you’re trying to let it go and move forward?

[Doyoulikebrocoli]

Yes my dad died one week ago. We had only recently got back in touch this last year but its still hit me quite hard.
I suppose the reason we find it "normal" is because I have gotten used to DS being fairly difficult in social situations and have grown to accept that there are often things we can't do with him as much as we'd like.

Having said that it makes even more sense for me not to go with DS this time as he would not do well on the journey and unfortunately he probably wouldn't do well in a room packed with family. I guess I was just wishing OH wouldn't go this time so we didn't have to stay by ourselves.

[FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine]

The thing that sticks out to me here that nobody else has picked up on is that you seem to be recently bereaved, is that right OP? Were you close to your dad? When did he die? I’m so sorry.

If you’re responding to this loss like most people (and not an outlier where there’s a backstory where you weren’t close and are fine with the loss) I’d be seriously upset if an OH chose to leave me for a whole week in the run up to xmas to do something he could do any other time of the year. Grief is HARD as hell. My own mum died the day before xmas eve and my partner at the time, a boyfriend of a couple of months not a cohabiting coparent partner like yours, wouldn’t have left my side come hell or high water. Neither would I if a partner or hell, even a close friend whose parent died was going to be struggling on the run up to xmas.

It was the hardest time of the year for a few years afterwards for me to deal with. You’re going to be wrestling a difficult toddler at the same time. I’m shocked he would be so willing to go away for such a long time without you when you’re bereaved. Is there a reason he and you think this is okay behaviour or normal for you two?

500 miles can be done in a day, there’s no reason he can’t drive up on one day, stay a full day and drive back the following day if he absolutely felt he had to go but didn’t want to leave you for too long. Or be actively problem solving to find a way for you to go too (there’s always a way, if he’d rather spend money on gifts then hire a car so you can all go as a family that’s good info to have too).

[SleepingStandingUp]

OP I think you sound great and understanding. Possibly more so than I would be(!) having had a little one I nando ut of hospital if DH had buggered off 500 miles away he'd have come back to packed bags.

Try and get out to every festive market, Activity etc your son can cope with this year and then stick to your guns for next year.

Perhaps your DH needs to talk to someone about accepting DS for who he is. I'm assuming he a has a good bond with his other kids, so it's the ASD that's the barrier. It will always be one so long as your DH cowers behind it. He needs to be making more effort to bond with his child and I think that's a conversation for new year

X

[crumble82]

It’s good that you’ve talked about it and your DH is coming back a day early, it shows that he has actually listened to you. Next year why don’t you see if you can invite his family over for Christmas? That saves the travel problems and none of the DC are left out.

[Doyoulikebrocoli]

I get on well with his parents when I do see them, we talk over messenger and text quite often, but due to us living so far away I haven't spent a lot of time with them. OH and his ex (mother of DC) lived up near parents in the past so they spent a lot more time with them in the past so I have always got the impression they were closer to her than to me - which would be the case as they have never had the chance to spend a lot of time with me.
OH struggles with DS due to the way DS is. DS spends the majority of the time with me so ends up always crying to go back to me when OH tries to spend time with him at home or when out etc and I think he struggles with bonding with him.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

I'm glad you've got a compromise for this year; but at a time when things aren't so fraught and painful, you need to have a proper conversation about why he does not treat you and DS as equal to his other DC.

It will only get more apparent as your DS gets older; and that's not fair on him. It's also quite strange that he doesn't want you both there to see his parents; it doesn't sound like they see either of you a lot.

Do you get on with his parents? How does he get on with your DS? It feels strongly that there's something not quite right here.

[Doyoulikebrocoli]

DS's social interaction isn't typical for his age, hence possible ASD so they play in the ways they can with him but it's quite limited in terms of how much he will interact. Their ages are 7,6 and 2. Christmas with their mum is hit and miss, I don't want to get too much into it on here but she often favours spending Christmas with whatever boyfriend she has at the time over with her own children, so sometimes they go back to hers Christmas afternoon/evening, sometimes Boxing Day.

[lifebegins50]

Does your ds and step children get on? What ages? I also think they are missing out on their time with a sibling.
When do they spend xmas with their mum?

[bethy15]

It's not your OH's fault you don't have a born to family, but it's his fault he excludes you from your new family and your sons family.

Honestly, he seems to have zero thought for you two.

Why did he leave him last year in hospital?

[Mumshappy]

Start looking online for things for you and ds to that week. Theres usually lots of free xmas themed things going on libraries and childrens centre. Im so sorry about your dad op it must be v hard.

[Doyoulikebrocoli]

Yes I agree that it is not too unreasonable given our situation. I know broken families are often complicated and do consist of compromise. I think I just get quite down about it at this time of year as I have so little family of my own and given that my dad has also just passed away I'm feeling that even more so. And the same goes for me DS, he only has me and my mum down here and as she will be working pretty much the whole time it just seems a shame that DS and I will be on our own while OH and DC will be celebrating and surrounded by people. But unfortunately that's the way it is and I suppose it's not my OHs fault that I have no family.

[Mumshappy]

Yes exactly his annual leave should be spent with all DCs not just two.DS is who he is and difficult or not he deserves time with his daddy too. I hope you have a lovely xmas Op. Do some special things with DS whilst they are away and i hope next year things can be sorted to suit everyone