AIBU to be annoyed at OH for going away at Christmas?

[Doyoulikebrocoli]

My partner and I have a DS together and he has two DC from a previous relationship. All of his family live at the opposite end of the country to us so for Christmas he is going to take his DC on holiday to visit them but as me and my DS can't also fit in the car we are being left behind. He will be gone for the week leading up to the 25th, back on Chistmas Day.

I'm starting to feel quite upset about this as I have very little family of my own, my dad has just died and my mum works over Christmas and keeps to herself mostly so I will be on my own with DS all week leading up until Christmas. DS is 2 and has suspected ASD so is quite challenging in his behaviour also, so it's going to be a tough week for me.

AIBU to be upset by this or should I just let it go? I don't want to ruin it for his DC as I know they will enjoy seeing their family, I'm just disappointed that we will be left out of the celebrations and spending the time alone.

I've spoken to OH about how I feel and he's said he doesn't have any other choice as it's too expensive to exchange presents by post and he needs something to do with the DC over the holidays. Don't know whether it's worth bringing it up again or just letting it go.

[Iamdanish]

I am with cuttingthegrass. Spend the week being cosy, baking etc. making your own traditions. Much better than the stress of traveling. Yes it may be hurtful your dp has made the plans, but get the best out of it. Probably much better for your DC as well. I wish you a nice and cosy week 😀

[swingofthings]

I think you're being unfair. He's clearly made arrangements so he could be with you for Xmas day and the days afterwards, taking the week before when nothing much happens to see his other children.

What have you suggested that would suit you whilst not preventing hin from spending time with his other children?

[Doyoulikebrocoli]

Thank you Iamdanish, it's helped to give me a positive outlook on it. I think my feelings just got a bit hurt but overall I know it's not worth making a big fuss and spoiling Christmas for the DC. I will try to make it as festive for me and DS as I can and hopefully it'll help me enjoy it.
Thank you, I wish you a merry Christmas too.

[Doyoulikebrocoli]

Swingofthings

I wouldn't prevent him from spending time with his other children. I would have just suggested we all stay here together.

[NoSquirrels]

It sounds as if you acknowledge that taking DS all the way, at his age/stage would be difficult, so different transport options wouldn’t help.

So then it would be a case of the other DC and DH not being able to see family at all. Which obviously would be unfair?

So I think maybe acknowledge that it hurt your feelings but it’s not really about that, and make a plan fir next year/time - a roof box, a stop on the way making it a bigger ‘holiday’, the hope that next year a 3 year-old will be a bit more manageable than a 2 year-old etc.

And then make this week nice with things you’ve planned that your DS will enjoy and that you can suck out if with no pressure if not!

[Villagelifer]

I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your DS either way.
Like you I would be hurt. Christmas is about family not presents. I would really struggle if my partner was to choose to spend the holidays away from me and our son. It doesn't make sense. If you don't have enough money in the summer is he going to go abroad with his DC and leave you 2 behind?
If you can't afford to do something as a family you wait until you can do it as a family.

[Mrspotter12]

Why not suggest he takes DA with him and you stay home and relax?

[Mrspotter12]

DS sorry.

[Iamdanish]

I know it is hard work being on your own with DC, but trust me if you are able to make it " bonding" time, I am sure you and DC will love it and would want to do it again. I have been alone with my dcs a lot, due to dh work travel and I wouldn't be without the bond and traditions that created. Best of luck.

[Rainydays84]

In the lead up to Christmas most people may find their DP is working anyways, so the week before wouldn't be an issue for me. This gives you time to get sorted, and have some quality time with your DC.
However DP not being there on Christmas morning to see DC opening his presents, or Christmas Eve would be the sticking point. Could you compromise and say your happy for him to go, providing he is back on Christmas Eve at the latest, and also make sure he keeps an eye on the weather for travelling back on Christmas Day.
Then you can all enjoy Christmas Day together and the days after Christmas, as a family.

[Emma765]

Is he driving 500 miles one way with his kids on Xmas day?!

[Doyoulikebrocoli]

He drives through the night and gets back early hours of the morning.

[Rainydays84]

I understand the driving through the night, as the motorways up and down the country can be a nightmare. But I would try and compromise with him over the day and time he returns. Maybe set off just after tea on the 23rd, so hes back at a reasonable hour, and able to get up with you all on Christmas Morning.

[bethy15]

It's quite odd as I thought at first he was your ex, not your current partner and father of your 2 year old.

It seems very strange, if he can't take you and the son, it seems wildly unfair to leave you out like that. Also there's the possibility he could be quite late back home. What if they get sick? What if the other DC get up late, the grandparents don't want them to leave early, you might not even see each other on Christmas day and he'll miss it with your son.

Are there other problems? It just seems to desert you like this and not even think of ways you could go seems strange.

It's your sons family too, why does he miss out? Also, is this always going to be the way, they all go and leave you and your DS home alone on holidays?

He seems really inconsiderate of you two, especially as you've just lost your father and the holidays are hard when you've lost someone close.

[Iamdanish]

Try and keep it positive 😊. He is a good father for trying to see all dcs at Christmas. He did not include you this time (and that is bad), but next time you know you will have to discuss your options. And still it could be better for your dc without the stress this year.

[percheron67]

Nothing people do would surprise me now. My husband left me and our 2 year old daughter alone for Christmas and he travelled to spend the time with ex-wife, her new partner and his four (much) older children.

The following summer, I took our daughter away for five days and guess who turned up unexpectedly for three days!

[cheesydoesit]

Sorry, no I wouldn't like this. Unless there is some earth shattering backstory like you were the OW who 'stole' him from his wife and children then I don't see any reason for you and your son together to be excluded from this gathering. Even if you were the OW I still wouldn't accept this. I understand the practicalities but I think it's really hurtful of him to do this. Why can't he skip the trip this year and you can all make it next year? I am right in assuming his two DC's also live near you and it's his family (mother, father, siblings etc) that live away?

[SingingTunelessly]

This is madness. Why are you standing for it?

[BumbleBeee69]

I agree with the Posters questioning his exclusion of you and DS OP

[LizzieBennettDarcy]

I am going to be a bit brutal here and say he's clearly not taking you as your DS is hard to manage. It's nice for his DC that he's doing so and can give them the attention they will need but it's pretty miserable for you to be left for a week too. Do you get a week to yourself in exchange too?

[Dirtybadger]

I guess this is a mixed bag but I don't think this is odd.

It sounds like your DS wouldn't like travelling there. But if the other DC want to go then I think it's fair they go (and they have to have a parent with them). If he did it every year then that wouldn't be on...But if it's every few years then I don't think that's unreasonable. Xmas day and boxing day are the "main" days anyway so you have them back then. I do think travelling back on 23rd would be better though as they'll all be shattered on 25th and he will be more use to you if he hasn't been driving all night! Otherwise it'll all be down to you on the way.

Take the opportunity to have a lot of quieter fun with DS

[BBCONEANDTWO]

Can't he take DS and you can have the week prior to prepare for Christmas on your own and get a break?

[Workreturner]

Can't he take DS and you can have the week prior to prepare for Christmas on your own and get a break?

That would be awful.
Who would actively choose to be apart from their children in week before Christmas??

[Cawfee]

I’m 50/50 on this one 🤔 he’ll be back Christmas Day so that’s fine but I’d be a bit cheesed off that nothing was being done to accommodate the 2 year old. Although I’ve done those type of journeys with a 2 year old and it is an absolute nightmare. It’s a tricky one. I’d be tempted to let it go but make a compromise. I’d say I’ll be non argumentative about it if he finds and pays for a babysitter one afternoon so I could do some childfree shopping and a movie. If it was me I’d be using the situation to my advantage. I’d also be buying in loads of ready meals to make my life super easy while he’s away. Netflix and chill week

[Cawfee]

Workreturner I would! Especially at aged 2! I wouldn’t now they’re older and “get” Christmas but at 2 they’re just difficult and don’t have a clue. Week off? Absolutely yes!! Best xmas present ever. There are like a tonne of other days in the year and not everyone gives a fig about xmas.