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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

AIBU to be annoyed at OH for going away at Christmas?

120 replies

Doyoulikebrocoli · 06/12/2018 13:20

My partner and I have a DS together and he has two DC from a previous relationship. All of his family live at the opposite end of the country to us so for Christmas he is going to take his DC on holiday to visit them but as me and my DS can't also fit in the car we are being left behind. He will be gone for the week leading up to the 25th, back on Chistmas Day.

I'm starting to feel quite upset about this as I have very little family of my own, my dad has just died and my mum works over Christmas and keeps to herself mostly so I will be on my own with DS all week leading up until Christmas. DS is 2 and has suspected ASD so is quite challenging in his behaviour also, so it's going to be a tough week for me.

AIBU to be upset by this or should I just let it go? I don't want to ruin it for his DC as I know they will enjoy seeing their family, I'm just disappointed that we will be left out of the celebrations and spending the time alone.

I've spoken to OH about how I feel and he's said he doesn't have any other choice as it's too expensive to exchange presents by post and he needs something to do with the DC over the holidays. Don't know whether it's worth bringing it up again or just letting it go.

OP posts:

Report

Doyoulikebrocoli · 06/12/2018 17:32

No backstory like that, I'm not the OW, but I'm not very close with his family as we struggle to go up there often due to work and financial struggles and they rarely come down to us either, hence why I imagine they are not that bothered by my absence.
I do think this will end up being a yearly thing unless I tell OH we need to sort some way for me and DS to come along.
The same thing happened last year, DS didn't go as was hospitalised the day before Christmas Eve but OH still travelled up.
Like I said I appreciate his reason for going this year and it will be nice for his DC.
I wouldn't like for him to take my DS as then I would be here completely alone and that really would be miserable.
Thank you all for your replies, it has helped me to look at it a bit differently, I think I will let it go this year but just make sure with have a plan in place for next year so that we are all included.

OP posts:

giftsonthebrain · 06/12/2018 17:36

Your partner has other children, presumably you knew this. You will forever be sharing him, best to realize this now. There will be times when you and your child may not be welcome.
I don’t understand why your child is so “difficult”, does your child have SEN? I know you explained the finances but why is a train journey unsuitable? Much more freedom than in s car.

Doyoulikebrocoli · 06/12/2018 17:42

Giftsonthebrain

DS is on the waiting list for an ASD assessment, sees a SLT and behavioural specialist who both suspect ASD but of course we won't know until he is older and has the assessment.

OP posts:

Floralhousecoat · 06/12/2018 17:49

I find it shocking that last year your then one yr old was hospitalized and his father still went to visit family with his dc. That puts a whole different spin on it. Sadly it seems that you and your ds are not as important to him as his dc from his previous relationship.
Op it has become a yearly thing already. Why aren't you making a bigger fuss about it? Why does he need to go for a whole week? Are you sure he can't afford to rent a bigger car this year?

giftsonthebrain · 06/12/2018 17:54

Maybe your dp needs a break from your son.

bethy15 · 06/12/2018 18:00

OK, so he really doesn't care about you both then.

Was it planned you was left alone last year regardless? I presume so as you couldn't have had a larger car then, so he knew this was the problem.

And last year his one year old little boy was in hospital as he was so ill and he left you both and went to Scotland to celebrate Christmas with his parents and children.

I don't really know what to say about that. I thought he was inconsiderate before, now I just think he's horrible. How could he contemplate leaving him and you and having a nice time in Scotland? He could have stayed and still seen his other children.

At one, to be hospitalised is a big thing and a huge worry. I can't believe he did this.

And now it seems like a yearly thing to leave you both all alone, he had a year and could have put a few pounds away here and there to be able to rent a larger car.

I'm sorry OP.

bethy15 · 06/12/2018 18:05

There will be times when you and your child may not be welcome.

Giftsonthebrain, why would this time be at Christmas and with his parents, why would that exclude his parents other grandchild and his new wife?

Why would they not be welcome at family gatherings, they are his family. If he's taking the other two, his son should be equal and no less.

Cambionome · 06/12/2018 18:05

The thing is op - did he discuss this with you and take your feelings into account, or did he just present you with his plan and expect you to lump it?

Doghorsechicken · 06/12/2018 18:11

Maybe as he lives with you & DS he feels like he should spend quality time with his other DC.
Could he take all the children in the car with luggage & you catch a train to meet them the other end? Not ideal but it’s a solution.

giftsonthebrain · 06/12/2018 18:30

Maybe as he lives with you & DS he feels like he should spend quality time with his other DC.
this

Dahlietta · 06/12/2018 18:37

Maybe your dp needs a break from your son.

It's not her son; it's their son.

giftsonthebrain · 06/12/2018 18:43

yes their son, still doesn't stop him from needing respite.

Marble2017 · 06/12/2018 18:48

Sorry but I would be well and truly pissed off!! If he wants to see his family can't he go in between Christmas and New Year!! Your his family too!!

timeisnotaline · 06/12/2018 18:50

For those who aren’t reading the thread, the other dc would be there no matter what. He isn’t travelling to see his dc, he is taking his older dc and travelling to see his family. Who are also his younger ds’s family. I think I’d be ok with this AS A ONE OFF. As an every year arrangement it’s not ‘im not sure’ or ‘he should be understanding of how you feel’ ,’it’s actually he could just fuck off. I wouldn’t stand for deserting us to take his other dc to see his own family. Next year everyone goes or nobody goes or he leaves.

bethy15 · 06/12/2018 19:01

yes their son, still doesn't stop him from needing respite.

What kind of a person takes respite from their own child while they've been hospitalised and are only a year old?

At that age things can turn nasty quickly, he took himself off to have a nice time in Scotland.

And I agree with the previous poster, your wording was awful, it's his son too, although he doesn't seem to be treating him as such. If it's a family gathering, he and the OP are his family.

OP has said she is upset at being left alone, her father has just dies. This man shows no compassion or thought for the OP and her son at all.

BumbleBeee69 · 06/12/2018 20:13

The same thing happened last year, DS didn't go as was hospitalised the day before Christmas Eve but OH still travelled up

this SCREAMS, I don't give a fuck

Mumshappy · 06/12/2018 20:31

I would be friggin furious if this was my OH. Why are his other DCs priority with his family and not DS? Im sorry but I think hes very selfish. Does a pecking order exist on a daily basis or does he just do this on special occasions and holidays. I really feel for you OP

Doghorsechicken · 06/12/2018 20:56

What about his other children though? Their dad has his own little family now so they should be excluded? They can bugger off because he has to spend Christmas with the woman & child he lives with 24 hours 7 days per week? Broken families are difficult but it must be hard enough that they don’t get to live with their dad anymore. They may already feel replaced by a new family. I think it’s nice that they get quality time together too. No doubt they see their half brother all yeah EOW.

Mumshappy · 06/12/2018 21:09

Its DS being excluded from seeing dads family. OPs are not being excluded from anything

Mumshappy · 06/12/2018 21:12

Sorry meant OPs Skids not being excluded from anything

bethy15 · 06/12/2018 21:19

What about his other children though? Their dad has his own little family now so they should be excluded? They can bugger off because he has to spend Christmas with the woman & child he lives with 24 hours 7 days per week? Broken families are difficult but it must be hard enough that they don’t get to live with their dad anymore. They may already feel replaced by a new family. I think it’s nice that they get quality time together too. No doubt they see their half brother all yeah EOW.

But they could ALL be together, either in OP's house with their father or all travel up to Scotland. It doesn't have to exclude ANYONE and it shouldn't. The OP's DS sounds like a second class citizen, he never gets to see his grandparents.

GenericHamster · 06/12/2018 21:21

He should come back Christmas Eve if he does this. Long journey on Christmas Day? Screams delays and you being alone for Christmas to me :(

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Mumshappy · 06/12/2018 21:35

You could and should all be together on christmas morning. This would be a deal breaker for me im afraid

SuperSuperSuper · 06/12/2018 22:03

I think that he finds your DS difficult, and perhaps his older children and parents do too, hence his decision not to do whatever is necessary to get DS and you there.

Christmas aside, it sets a worrying precedent.

I can kind of see his reasoning if someone at the destination is very ill (for example) and would find DS' behaviour intolerable, but in that case I probably wouldn't go for the full week. What he's doing smacks of escapism.

Ethel80 · 06/12/2018 22:14

It sounds quite shit for you OP. If it's arranged for this year then maybe let it go but insist that by next Christmas you will have a car large enough to accommodate the whole family for trips to see his family or go away on holiday.

I think I'd also ask that he comes back on 24th so he's there Xmas eve.

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