AIBU to be annoyed at OH for going away at Christmas?

[Doyoulikebrocoli]

My partner and I have a DS together and he has two DC from a previous relationship. All of his family live at the opposite end of the country to us so for Christmas he is going to take his DC on holiday to visit them but as me and my DS can't also fit in the car we are being left behind. He will be gone for the week leading up to the 25th, back on Chistmas Day.

I'm starting to feel quite upset about this as I have very little family of my own, my dad has just died and my mum works over Christmas and keeps to herself mostly so I will be on my own with DS all week leading up until Christmas. DS is 2 and has suspected ASD so is quite challenging in his behaviour also, so it's going to be a tough week for me.

AIBU to be upset by this or should I just let it go? I don't want to ruin it for his DC as I know they will enjoy seeing their family, I'm just disappointed that we will be left out of the celebrations and spending the time alone.

I've spoken to OH about how I feel and he's said he doesn't have any other choice as it's too expensive to exchange presents by post and he needs something to do with the DC over the holidays. Don't know whether it's worth bringing it up again or just letting it go.

[cheesydoesit]

OP's step children do not live on the other side of the country. OP's in laws do. Her husband is taking his children from his previous marriage/relationship up to see the in laws with the excuse that there is no room in the car for his wife and youngest child. I can't believe all the soft arse s on the first page thinking this is ok. Especially with the update that this is the second year it has happened, last year he fucked off when his one year old was in hospital. Hope he sees sense when you talk to him OP.

[GenericHamster]

I’d also be upset that your inlaws are happy not seeing the little one

[Desmondo2016]

So many things wrong with this set up. Don't accept it as normal. And do your step kids REALLY want to be travelling through the most exciting night of the year and missing out on hanging stockings up etc?!

[NoSquirrels]

Gosh. I’d assumed this was the first year it had come up as an issue since having your DS. Leaving an ill baby is not great.

Do make sure this doesn’t become a yearly thing.

Whatever traditions existed prior to your DS bring born now need to adapt to include him. That’s it. Your DH needs to find a way to make it work with ALL his DC to see his family in Scotland.

I think I’d also insist they were all home for Christmas Eve this year, too. That’s a small compromise but a significant one, imo.

[Itsmegarry]

Ehhh what? He’s leaving his partner and 2 year old son to take his 2 older children to visit their grandparents for A WEEK just before Xmas?? I think this is shocking. Why can’t his parents come to you?

I appreciate he wants to see/spend time with other family members during the festive period but he can’t just give up the responsibility of his son for a week to do so! Sounds like ones of those guys with the “oh I don’t need to do it as she’s there to do it anyway” attitude. He should be including you and your DS in his visit and if that’s not convenient then he shouldn’t be going at all. Or if he’s he’ll bent on going he should be compromising at a weekend, not a bloody week!

How would he feel if you just up and left him with DS and fucked off to visit family for a week?

[giftsonthebrain]

honestly how invested is he in the relationship?

[MrWolfknowsthetime]

He’s not going away at Christmas though, it’s the week before Christmas and he’s getting home in the early hours of Christmas Day. The week before Christmas is a normal working week in my world. He has to take his other kids to his family at some point, this seems like a reasonable compromise if it is not practical for everyone to go. Is he supposed to never see his family?

[StillMe1]

This man has 3 children. By taking to travelling with 2 of those children to a place 500 miles away he is emphasising the differences between children 1 and 2, and child 3. As he is the common parent to all 3 he should always deal with family matters as 3 children.
How old are children 1 and 2?
I think him deserting you, the current partner is not acceptable.
It is complicated when there are children in the family when they are not in old style family situations (mum and dad and children who belong to both adults) but it has to be handled.
He also needs to have a suitable car to transport all the children when they are all his.
It is complicated but he is not taking responsibility for all his children

[Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee]

I think I’d be ok with this. I wouldn’t want to go and I wouldn’t want to take your son even if you fit in the car.
It’s understandable he wants to spend time with his other kids and with his family. 500 miles is a long drive so it’s understandable he doesn’t want to go for a couple of nights.
I’d still expect him to be very grateful though!

[Doyoulikebrocoli]

I talked to OH about it in the evening, told him again how I feel but said I can see why he's doing it. He's going to come back on Christmas Eve ready for the next day, but he doesn't see the big issue in him going as he won't be missing actual Christmas. I told him the issue is DS is missing out and that ok maybe this year the journey with DS wouldn't have been doable but next year we all need to be included, either travelling up or family travelling down.
Thanks for your responses. I can see both sides to this and can appreciate it will be nice for him and DC to spend time together, hence not wanting to ruin it.
Still, I don't think that should come at the expense of DS missing out on seeing family on a special occasion, but we will work on it not being like this next year.

[alwayscrashinginthesamecar1]

I'd be massively hurt by this. Its like he doesn't see you as his real family.

[safetyfreak]

Honestly, my DD was an handful at age two too so it be my worst nightmare taking her on a long journey. She would have hated it. So I don't blame your oh for wanting to go without him.

When he is a bit older, it won't be an issue.

[GloomyMonday]

I'm surprised by the responses saying he is being unreasonable.

Of course he wants to see his family at Christmas.

If you can't all fit in the car, and your ds can't cope with public transport, and there isn't enough money to hire a larger vehicle, and all of his extended family don't want to do the 1000 mile round trip to you (or maybe can't get time off work, can't take kids out of school, can't afford hotels) then options are limited aren't they?

He's coming back on xmas eve so he will be with you for all of the important days, which sounds like a fair compromise to me.

I also think your ds will be quite happy on his own with you for a few days - you could really make that lovely and special.

[BeanBagLady]

A 500 mile car journey sounds as if it would be an ordeal for your DS, and I think your Stepkids should not miss out on a relationship with their grandparents because of this.

It is a shame they don’t come to you.

Tricky situation.

Have festive family time after Christmas when he gets back.

[bethy15]

He has to take his other kids to his family at some point

But he's never taking his 2 year old son to see his family. He's missing out.

OP, why did he go last year and leave his son in the hospital?

[crimsonlake]

Hard one to call and I can see both sides. However what I think is really odd is that he is bundling up the children and is prepared for them to miss all the fun of Christmas eve. They will not be tucked up in bed waiting for Father Christmas, but will be sitting in a car most of the night? They will be very out of sorts Christmas day and wont their mum be wanting to spend Christmas eve with them? Why can he not make the drive through the night the night before? I do get the feeling he is doing this and leaving your child behind as it will be seen as a break away from him. Yes, he can go with your blessing but has to come home earlier.

[Mumshappy]

Im glad you told OH how you feel. What was his view on next year? Im angry on your behalf

[Doyoulikebrocoli]

For next year he is looking into the possibility of a bigger car and we will see how DS is, hopefully in a year he may be better at travelling etc. But I've said if not and if DS couldn't travel for whatever reason perhaps OH could go on a weekend earlier in December so that it's not another week right before Christmas as that is where a lot of his annual leave is saved for so he doesn't get that length of time off anywhere else during the year. I know this makes it the ideal time for him to travel up there but if it becomes a yearly thing then we will also never get that time with him any of the year unless we go too or he stays down here with all of us.

[fredleighton]

I don't think this sounds unreasonable. He'll be back when your son wakes up on Xmas morning and with you for the rest of the holiday. You've said it isn't practical for you and your son to go along too and if his family are a long way away it's natural that he would want to see them. It sounds like he's tried to plan it so he spends time with everyone.

Why not plan a separate trip for you and your DH and DS to visit his parents in the new year?

[Mumshappy]

Yes exactly his annual leave should be spent with all DCs not just two.DS is who he is and difficult or not he deserves time with his daddy too. I hope you have a lovely xmas Op. Do some special things with DS whilst they are away and i hope next year things can be sorted to suit everyone

[Doyoulikebrocoli]

Yes I agree that it is not too unreasonable given our situation. I know broken families are often complicated and do consist of compromise. I think I just get quite down about it at this time of year as I have so little family of my own and given that my dad has also just passed away I'm feeling that even more so. And the same goes for me DS, he only has me and my mum down here and as she will be working pretty much the whole time it just seems a shame that DS and I will be on our own while OH and DC will be celebrating and surrounded by people. But unfortunately that's the way it is and I suppose it's not my OHs fault that I have no family.

[Mumshappy]

Start looking online for things for you and ds to that week. Theres usually lots of free xmas themed things going on libraries and childrens centre. Im so sorry about your dad op it must be v hard.

[bethy15]

It's not your OH's fault you don't have a born to family, but it's his fault he excludes you from your new family and your sons family.

Honestly, he seems to have zero thought for you two.

Why did he leave him last year in hospital?

[lifebegins50]

Does your ds and step children get on? What ages? I also think they are missing out on their time with a sibling.
When do they spend xmas with their mum?