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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband a selfish twat

108 replies

dellacucina · 30/08/2018 23:09

Sorry, but it's true.

He is basically really, really selfish and I am really tired of it. Has anyone here found a way to come to terms with an essentially selfish man?

His main flaws are that he insists on having his way and he is quite grumpy and critical. We have a DD2 together.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 30/08/2018 23:16

I came to terms with an essentially selfish man by divorcing him, but I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear!

What sort of shit does yours pull? I think we need some illustrations of his MO. With mine, just one example, but he never took DS so I could have a lie-in on a weekend, even though I was the sole breadwinner, EBFing and I let him have a lie-in every day through the week (I work from home). Every couple of months I would insist, whereupon he would either allow DS to disturb me or have an argument ready for me as soon as I came downstairs, which I am certain was a negative reinforcement technique. So, actually maybe not selfish so much as cunty.

StormcloakNord · 30/08/2018 23:23

You could come to terms with it by not settling for a selfish prick????

Honestly fucking hell 🙄

Twillow · 30/08/2018 23:26

Only by leaving him ]grin]

benjaminbuttonschild · 30/08/2018 23:27

You could start by telling him you won't put up with his shit.

chipsandgin · 30/08/2018 23:30

Another vote for coming to terms with it by divorcing him!

Obviously tell him first, let him know how you feel, possibly in a letter so it doesn’t decend into an argument, tell him how his (specific) behaviour makes you feel, see if he wants to change or if he understands or cares about the impact on you?

But, honestly, selfishness is such a part of personality that unless you can suddenly make him see the light then why waste the rest of your life settling for it, or worse still teaching your daughter that this is how men are?

Original poster
dellacucina · 30/08/2018 23:33

Sounds like he is less selfish than your one.

He insists on making all of our big life decisions and pushes relentlessly until I give in. Example: we bought a house on the edge of our budget, which I wasn't happy with, and now he constantly badgers me about money.

He will promise to do something to get me to go along with what he wants and then just not follow through. Sometimes he also does this when he is trying to be nice - so I get what I want but not the help I then need from him. Example: he actually looked after DD quite a lot while her nursery was closed for summer holidays recently, and I had some social events that unfortunately popped up during the same period (I normally have basically no social life) and he has complained a lot and held it against me. What he has done is basically on par with what I normally do for him.

He shows some glimmers of understanding - for example after berating him for like an hour today (plus additional arguments earlier this week), he seemed almost to understand that he was treating me badly in contrast to how I treated him in the exact same situation - but it's always really hard to get through to him and he always seems to forget his insight the next time he can score points by reminding me of his view of whatever situation.

I actually posted a lengthy thread about this recently, but still trying to cope with the same or similar crap

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 30/08/2018 23:37

I possibly should also mention that I have been openly saying we should separate. It's bad news all around really.

OP posts:
broccolicheesebake · 30/08/2018 23:39

Exdh was selfish beyond belief. I divorced him last year. It is awful living with someone like that and I'd never settle for it ever again.

Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 08:50

What sorts of things did he do?

OP posts:
broccolicheesebake · 31/08/2018 09:40

In my case...

-'suggest' I go and sleep downstairs on sofa when I had a cough /cold and was keeping him awake

-frequently prioritised his own hobbies /interests above doing things as a family. I did all the trips out by myself.

-made lots of career /job decisions completely independently without considering impact on family. (I'd be left picking up pieces of finding childcare to work around his change of days and hours etc that he hadnt discussed beforehand)

I could go on...

TeeBee · 31/08/2018 09:44

Why would you want to come to terms with it? You don't have to. Just get rid.

TeeBee · 31/08/2018 09:48

Divorce isn't all bad news if you are happier at the end of it. I've never been happier since I got divorced.

Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 10:03

TeeBee we have a DD together and the UK only allows me to stay here due to my spousal visa

I also really would prefer to avoid going through a divorce. But I am really unhappy as it stands.

OP posts:
Dljlr · 31/08/2018 10:09

He shows some glimmers of understanding - for example after berating him for like an hour today (plus additional arguments earlier this week), he seemed almost to understand that he was treating me badly in contrast to how I treated him in the exact same situation - but it's always really hard to get through to him and he always seems to forget his insight the next time he can score points by reminding me of his view of whatever situation.

I have one exactly like this. It takes forever (sometimes days!) to get him to shut up, stop interrupting me, stop being defensive and wrongly anticipating what I'm going to say next, so that he can actually comprehend what I'm upset about and why and how on this occasion he has been a wanker. Finally, finally, it might sink in. And then something else happens and it's like, poof! That previous 'discussion' never happened; he learned nothing; and we're back to our circular misery of him refusing to engage beyond telling me what an arsehole I am.

No advice op, because I don't know what to do either, but buckets of empathy. (Should add though that mine isn't selfish, just twunty in other ways)

Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 10:13

Broccolicheesebake: he definitely asks me to move (or sometimes moves himself) in the case of illness. He also slept in the spare room through my mat leave - which I kind of get but think is selfish.

Dljlr: are you going to just live with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 10:15

We also have barely had sex in years (a big problem for me), and when I bring this up (to be fair, probably in an accusatory manner), he basically says it is my fault for acting like a b*tch. When I point out that I have acted this way because I am upset about a behaviour of his that he has acknowledged was inappropriate, he says it is a vicious circle.

So basically he mistreats me and then blames me when I am upset about it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2018 10:23

"TeeBee we have a DD together and the UK only allows me to stay here due to my spousal visa.

I also really would prefer to avoid going through a divorce. But I am really unhappy as it stands"

Both your DD and your spousal visa are no reasons at all to stay with this man now. Have you looked into the possibility with an immigration lawyer of being able to stay in the UK without him?. Staying with your H for the child also is an extremely bad idea because it also teaches her that your relationship was based on a lie and its a very heavy burden to place upon the child.

Do you really want to teach your DD that this is at all acceptable to you because that is really what she is seeing currently.

Womens Aid would also be worth talking to in your particular circumstances.

I would hope that Dljlr chooses not to just live with this either.

tonyroy · 31/08/2018 10:35

It’s easy to get into a pattern of disliking each other, have you tried couples counselling?
I’ve never been happier since divorce and still good friends with my ex.
Have you threatened to leave?

Cambionome · 31/08/2018 10:38

I remember your last thread about him, op.

Honestly, he just sounds unremittingly awful. I appreciate your concerns about your visa, but I think you said that you will be allowed to stay anyway after another year or so? If so, I can only suggest ignoring him as much as possible until you have your new visa sorted.

One thing's for sure - you won't change him. Grey rock until you can leave him.

Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 10:40

I have threatened to leave a lot, which I realise is stupid since I have not followed through and I don't have a concrete plan for doing so.

I insisted on doing couples counseling from about a year ago. I wanted to start when he was doing shared parental leave (while DD was in nursery!) But he refused at that time because he wanted to make full use of his free holiday. He said we could do it after the Christmas holidays even though I told him this is when everyone does it.

The result has been that we just now have a counselling slot but it no longer works with my schedule.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 10:43

Cambionome: thanks, I am sure this is all true and a good idea. I need to find a way to grey rock and get through this. I am still hopeful that this can work somehow and he will see the light.

He obviously isn't awful in all ways at all times. But no one is

OP posts:
MarieG10 · 31/08/2018 10:44

You need to prioritise the counselling which can help you decide what to do. Many have seen counselling as just helping to make the divorce more amicable. Your situation is complex though as if you only have a spousal visa then in theory you may end up having to return home, but potentially also with the children. I don't know anything re immigration rules but sounds like you need to be clued up. Long term the relationship won't work given how you feel....and a lack of sex nearly always means a relationship won't work longer term

Dljlr · 31/08/2018 10:49

Dljlr: are you going to just live with it?

No, I can't. I would, tbh, for that age-old 'but I love him and he's lovely in other ways' bollocks (I do, he is) but I have a son and so I can't. I've started seeing a secret counselor, and that's helping get my self esteem up a bit more. I've told my partner I have no confidence in us having any long-term future because he behaves like this. He recently acknowledged the issues that are down to him and we've not fought since: I sincerely believe the next time we argue though it'll be exactly as you've described, nothing will change. He's a 40 year old man, he's very unlikely to change even if he really wanted to. I'm enjoying the goodness of when it's good and preparing for the moment it turns sour when I'll end it.

Sorry for long hijack. Can you make a firm exit plan? Consult a solicitor and so on? You don't need to tell him you're doing so, but if you have the knowledge you need to be able to go once you reach your limit it will be so much easier to go through with.

RabbitsAreTasty · 31/08/2018 10:50

Counselling was never going to work anyway because he's not keen because he's not bothered. Current arrangements are OK for him.

What is the immigration situation? Do you want to stay in the UK? What do you have to do to stay in the UK upon divorce?

If it is a matter of waiting a year then go grey rock, get your ducks in a row ready to separate quickly as soon as you can. His selfishness might be easier to tolerate when you know there is an end in sight. You can put your angry energy into preparing your new life instead of into trying to change his personality.

tonyroy · 31/08/2018 10:51

So you’re critical of him (not surprising) and then you both don’t have sex. You both feel crap and the circle repeats.
Have you tried go away together for a break without the kids?